Chapter 35 Connor
CONNOR
It’s late and I’m lost. Lost without Cateline, but I’ve already been driving for two hours and there’s no going back. Finally, I see a small sign that says Sanctuaire des loups and pull down a long, winding road.
When I started donating funds to protect wolves, my focus was on the United States, but over time I expanded and have now helped establish sanctuaries in fourteen countries—my goal is twenty-four, which is my jersey number.
The whole giving back thing wasn’t my original idea.
It was Rylen’s doing, mostly. He’s our running back and was the first to break from the pack and get married.
Should’ve seen the writing on the wall. Mr. Murphy, Rylen’s dad, taught him and his brothers the importance of giving time, money, and any other resources available to someone or something in need.
I chose wolves.
It’s late, but I called on my way over, and as the most generous donor, the custodian was all too willing to meet me. I enter an enclosed area where visitors can observe and, if they’re lucky, see a white, gray, or reddish wolf—the rarest.
I sit here for ages, thinking, not thinking. Wondering. Pondering.
A wolf howls in the near distance. It’s haunting and reminds me of how empty I feel. I shiver because even though I’m enclosed, it’s a wild sound and I’d be a fool not to be on my guard.
But I don’t move. I don’t know where to go or what to do.
At last, I’ve lost. This is what losing feels like. A grave emptiness.
Eventually, my hands fold together in prayer.
It surprises me, but I go with it. What’s the risk?
God being mad at me for staying away? For questioning?
For my distance? For being afraid that if I gave myself to faith, I’d lose something—myself?
Nothing could be worse than this cold loneliness of being separate. Apart from Cateline, from my Creator.
Instead, as I pray, warmth fills me as I thank God for bringing me to this moment. To Him. I express gratitude that Cateline came through surgery. That her heart healed. I pray that He helps me put mine back together.
My thoughts float to the past, to my brother and parents. As I remain in prayer, an overwhelming sense of certainty settles over me—that my parents are at peace and that there has been another Father at work in my life all along.
In the distance, a wolf howls as if in confirmation.
But I still have a question. Why do I want to win?
When I get back in the car, I check the time. It’s an ugly hour, but back home with the time difference, it’s still early. Declan, Chase, and Grey are out with their coaches, the same as me. I try Rylen, hoping he’s back from his honeymoon.
He answers on the third ring and tells me he’s eating pancakes with syrup between workouts—one of our traditions. We rib each other as per custom, then he says, “Soon you’ll be back and we’ll be throwing a ball around.”
“Yeah, can’t wait.” My tone is as flat as, well, a pancake.
“Bro, you sound low,” he says around a mouthful.
“You’re not wrong. I’ve been catnipped.”
“I think the connection is bad. You’ve been catnapped?”
“Catnipped,” I correct.
“I thought you were getting schooled overseas.”
“Yeah, I got catnipped,” I repeat because all I can think about is the woman with dark eyes, a willowy figure, and lips that own me.
“Someone stole your cat? I’m surprised you have a cat. You seem more like a dog dude, what with being Connor Wolfe and all.”
“No, c-a-t-n-i-p-p-e-d,” I spell out. “Cat, Cate, Cateline. She’s my coach. The woman is a Crock-Pot, meanwhile, I’ve been cooking with a microwave.”
“Whoa, whoa, bro. Slow down. Are you okay? I’m now a happily married man, but I don’t think you have any business calling a woman a Crock-Pot. That’s not friendly, no matter what language she speaks.”
I give him an abbreviated lowdown of the last few weeks.
“If you were here or I was there, I’d take you in a team tackle.”
“You could never.”
“The guys would back me up. You realize that you’re being an idiot.”
“Because I broke my rules. The team rules.”
“You mean the playbook? Declan mentioned it. But do you want to know when I knew I was in love with Rachel?”
“Not particularly.”
He lets out a low chuckle. “I knew I was in love when I’d do anything for her. I’d dress up like Santa. I’d admit I was wrong. I’d move mountains. I’d make sacrifices. I’d do anything to see where that feeling for her might take me, even if I was scared. Even if it meant she didn’t love me back.”
“You, scared?” I sink into the seat because the notion hits close to my chest. “I don’t believe it.”
“Yeah. We dudes don’t like to admit that love can be scary. Not like seeing four of the biggest players in the league coming at you when you’re running down the field with the ball scary, and not like getting an eyeful of the backsides of four grown men scary.” He laughs.
I crack a smile, opening the floodgates as I give him a little more background on the last four weeks.
But I skip the part about how the kiss with Cateline, the first one especially, blew my world apart.
Her lips took every lie I told myself about the meaning of love, blasted them to bits, and revealed the truth.
I’m not who I thought I was, the guy who’s the first to walk away, a perpetual bachelor, and afraid of commitment.
I want to be with Cateline and if I can’t, I’ll do anything for her, which is why I start driving back the way I came.
“I think you’re in love, man. I guess the best way to understand it is that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you’d do anything to win her heart, even if it means losing something you thought was important. Even when it means that you might not get what you want,” Rylen says.
The connection crackles. My heart bounces over a beat. At last, I know the answer to Cateline’s question.
“Yeah, I’ve been an idiot.”
“That’s music to my ears,” Rylen says, then we drop the call as I speed through the woods and back to my woman.
I’m the defense. The tackler. No one gets by me. Except Cat slid past, along with love. I love Cateline Berghier and will make sure she gets the future she wants, even if I’m not part of it.
Well, much.
I speed along the unfamiliar streets as the Loire Valley breaks with a lavender dawn that gives way to a soft peach sunrise.
It’s too early to go back to her family’s house.
I may be an idiot, but I won’t be rude, so I check into a hotel, shower, and lounge on the bed, setting my alarm.
I should probably get a few hours of shut-eye.
But as I drift, I no longer feel adrift.
Even though there’s no shore in sight, Cateline is my beacon, my lighthouse.
I’ve burned the boats. There is no going back. However, I’m not my father or my brother. I’m not the lone wolf in the woods either. Not anymore.