Chapter 43
SPENCE
I’m trying not to look at the way her hair is fanned out around her like a fucking halo, the way her eyes are filled with need, the curve of her hip just above her underwear.
I take another step back, heart slamming against my ribcage.
She sits up, pulling her shirt down.
‘I can’t be your backup plan.’
She frowns. ‘You’re not… you’re…’
‘I’m what?’
She reaches out to take my hand, but I pull away, even though I want nothing more than to take it, to take back the words and let her see, see how good we could be together.
Her mouth lifts with a small shrug. ‘You’re Spence.’
My throat closes. The way she sees me is so stark: friend. Shoulder. Contingency plan.
‘That’s not an answer.’
‘What do you want me to say?’ Her voice is quiet. The beginning of a frown forms, like she’s trying to find the right answer. It tells me all I need to know. She hasn’t found it yet. She never will. Not if I stay.
She looks away, and in that one movement, I know. I know what I’m going to do.
I just need to say the words. Out loud. If I don’t, I’m afraid one more look at her face will undo everything.
‘We’re moving, Al.’
She looks up, confused.
‘To Scotland. With Heather.’
She snorts as though I’ve just made a joke. Then she takes in my expression.
‘You can’t be serious? You can’t move to the other side of the country on a promise from the woman who abandoned you. Left you both.’
‘She’s different now. And… George, she… she deserves a shot at a life with two parents.’
I fold my arms, aware that I’m still shirtless. I bend down and pull on my top.
Alice stands, her eyes avoiding mine. Her hands shaking as she fumbles with her buttons.
‘That’s why they’re in Scotland.’ She closes her eyes, rubs between her eyebrows.
I nod. ‘Heather is taking Georgia to look around, to see if she likes it there,’ I explain, hating the tears that are forming in her eyes as she looks back up. ‘I know it’s sudden—’
She rounds on me then. ‘Sudden? Sudden doesn’t even come close! Georgia will be wowed—’ she makes manic jazz hands ‘—by the excitement of it all. And you… you barely know Heather. You barely knew her then!’ My stomach drops as I take in her expression.
‘I… It’s complicated.’
‘So uncomplicate it for me!’
‘I can’t keep putting my life on hold. Georgia deserves a shot at a normal life, with a normal family.’
‘Normal? I was there for you both when she was growing up. I was there. Not Heather. Me.’ She beats a hand to her chest.
I nod. ‘I know. But I have to put us first. I can’t keep putting my life on hold to be your safety net.’
‘You’re not. You’re more than that—’
‘Am I?’
‘I don’t know how I feel right now! This is all sudden. I didn’t come in here intending to…’ She shakes her head.
I want to say that it’s not sudden. Not for me. I gesture to the bed, hating the truth, but saying it anyway. ‘This only happens when you’re lost.’
‘That’s not fair, Spence.’ Her voice is shaking, anger and hurt all there.
‘Isn’t it? I’m not the one who slept with me and couldn’t get away quick enough.’ My words land into the room.
‘We both agreed that was a mistake.’
‘Did we? Or did you?’
She swallows, shaking her head. ‘Spence…’ She takes a step forward.
I move back. ‘I think you should go.’
‘But…’
‘Al, please.’ My words catch, broken. ‘Just go.’
I turn my back, the door closing sharply.
A dull ache crawls through me. I try not to wince.
But I do.