CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE #2
Ellery drops the book she’s holding with a loud thud and scoots across the floor on her butt to hug me again. “Not terrible at all. Plenty of people are perfectly happy being single. Take me, for example.”
I snort. “You are pretty much perfect.”
She lets me go and sits back. “It’s just that you seemed different with Deacon.
Lighter. Quicker to laugh. Maybe romance is something that brightens your life.
That doesn’t mean who you are without it isn’t amazingly awesome, but why not have what you want?
” She studies my face. “And I think, when you’re honest with yourself, you really do want a happily ever after. ”
My stupid eyes burn like I’m going to cry. A-fucking-gain. “Maybe.”
She rubs my back. So wonderfully comforting. “It doesn’t make you weaker to admit that. Anymore than it makes you weak to admit that as much as you want it, you’re afraid of it.”
I nod, feeling uncomfortably bare. I wouldn’t admit this to anyone but my best friend and soulmate. “Bryson shattered my heart when he left. And what I’m feeling now with Deacon, it’s worse. I don’t want to go through this again.”
“Was the time you had with Bryson worth the heartbreak?”
I stare at my best friend, gobsmacked. I’ve never thought of it that way before. “He was my best friend, and we had so much fun together before things went bad. And we got Harper out of it, so… I guess…”
“If you could erase that heartbreak and keep Harper, but you also had to forget every good moment you had with Bryson, would you do it?”
I don’t even have to think about that answer. “No.”
Ellery nods. She’s so damn wise. “So maybe another love affair is also worth the risk.”
My world feels turned on its edge, off-kilter, like I’m looking at it through a new lens. “How’d you get so smart?”
Ellery picks up a book and puts it on the romance pile. “Extensive reading.”
We spend the rest of the morning organizing her shelves, laughing, and chatting. We end up stopping to discuss so many of the books that it feels more like a fun book club meeting than work.
“Okay,” Ellery says, when we’re about two-thirds of the way finished. “I’m starving. Time for lunch.”
“Can I meet you there? I want to stop by the house and make sure Harper didn’t shut Marmalade in her room when she and Bryson left for the day.”
Ellery, who never seems anything but sure and confident, goes oddly pale. “I’m sure he’s fine. We can check on him after lunch.”
She’s definitely up to something. “I’m not going to be able to eat as long as I’m worried about him. Where do you want to have lunch?”
“I’ll drive you over,” Ellery says. “That way I won’t get to the restaurant before you and be halfway through my meal before you get there.”
“It’s not going to take me that long.”
But Ellery’s already on her feet, grabbing her purse and keys and heading for the door.
I follow her. “What’s going on, Ell? You know I hate surprises.”
“Just feeling lightheaded from hunger.” Her eyes are on her phone as she taps away at it and hurries across the lawn, the bell of her dress swaying around her ankles. She’s the only person I know who chooses to wear a dress just about every day.
“So lightheaded you’ve forgotten your shoes?”
She stops, looks down at her feet, and turns around. She hurries back to the house, still tapping at her phone, slips on shoes, and races back out to her car.
I lock her door for her with the spare key she gave me not long after she moved in and hurry after her. I’m not at all sure she won’t drive off without me if I give her the chance.
“Ellery,” I say, as she backs out of her driveway and onto the street.
She lives in a neighborhood with houses a bit bigger than mine, but her house is modest. A brick ranch-style home she bought when her dream house, a craftsman-style home in a mountain neighborhood, failed to go on sale after years of waiting.
And I mean since she was sixteen years of waiting.
I don’t know how she would have bought that house at sixteen, but I don’t doubt she would have figured it out.
“What is going on?” I ask.
“Nothing. You know, why don’t I go inside and check on Marmalade? You can wait in the car and relax. It’s the least I owe you for all your help this morning.”
“What happened?” I ask. “What did Bryson do to my house?”
I am going to kill him if he set something on fire or let Harper play with glitter.
“Nothing.” Ellery’s smile is similar to that of a Jack-o'-lantern as she smiles over at me. “I’m just trying to be nice.”
Ellery barely has the car in park before she’s leaping out and running toward my house.
Nope, I’m not having that.
I jump out of the car and race after her, catching up to her as she lands on my front stoop. I use my whole body to press her against my house as I dig out my key and unlock my front door.
“Melly,” Ellery says, fighting to get free. “What are you doing? Let me go.”
“Nope. I’m not letting you cover for Bryson. I’m going to find out exactly what he did.”
I let go of her to hurry into my house, so she’s right on my heels when I smack into a very firm chest and fall backwards onto Ellery, knocking her to the floor, just as the door is swinging closed on us.
“Ow,” Ellery says.
“Amelia?” Deacon asks, staring down at me, stunned. “What are you doing here?”
I stare up at him, feeling just as confused as he looks.
Which could at least partly be the result of the current loss of oxygen to my brain as I try to remember how to breathe in his presence.
Has he always been this handsome? Why do I feel like I’d be willing to trade a kidney just to feel his arms around me again?
“Um, this is my house. What are you doing here?” I finally manage to say, proud that I sound almost truly put out.
“Can we have this conversation without Amelia on top of me?” Ellery asks.
“Oh, my God.” I leap off Ellery and offer her a hand up. She’s rubbing the top of her head and wincing, probably from where she got hit with the door. “Are you okay? I’ll get you some ice.”
She pats my shoulder, giving me a weak smile. “I’m okay. I’ll get my own ice. You talk to Deacon.”
“I’m sorry,” I call after her. Then I remember that she knew Deacon was in my house. And I never would have known if I hadn’t pushed past her to get in here first. “Actually, I’m not sorry. You deserved that.” Ooof, no she didn’t. “You deserved some of that.”
“Maybe wait to yell at me until after you hear what he’s doing here,” she says with a pained smile as she disappears into the kitchen.
I cross my arms over my chest and stare down Deacon. “What are you doing in my house?”
He gives me a sheepish smile. “Don’t blame Ellery. Or Bryson. I asked them to let me in and keep you distracted so I could finish Marmalade’s gym.”
He gestures up at the ceiling, and I see that he’s extended Marmalade’s aerial walkway around the living room and added in more perches and cat-centric activity areas.
It’s clear he’s not finished yet, but it’s already amazing.
I check Harper’s room and see that he’s painted everything he added there in rainbow colors and, in the sunroom, he’s painted a tree onto the wall, the branches holding up several of Marmalade’s perches.
Throughout, he’s added hanging feathers and other cat toys that Marmalade clearly loves, since he’s on one of his perches, lazily batting a hanging ball with a bell in it.
“Your dad checked with your landlord to make sure he was okay with me extending Marmalade’s gym through the living room.
At least, that’s what Bryson told me. My brother Cash painted the tree and Harper’s portion of the gym.
He’s a really talented artist, but that’s a secret.
” Deacon runs a hand through his hair and chuckles awkwardly.
“I’m babbling. I hope it’s not too much.
It just felt unfinished. And Bryson thought you’d like it.
Ellery did too. I can take it all down if you hate it. ”
“No, I—” I start, turning to face him. I’m honestly a little overcome with inexplicable feelings right now.
I love what he’s done. Not just because it’s incredibly cool and Harper will love it, but because it shows his kindness, his determination to do a job right, and his willingness to do a nice thing for me, even after I haven’t been very nice to him.
Honestly, I’m not sure I deserve him.
“I didn’t mean to be here when you got home,” Deacon says. “I don’t have any plans to try to see you again—”
“You don’t?” Oh, so he’s just done this because of his work ethic, then?
“I heard what you said about not wanting to see me again, and I don’t want to overstep.
You don’t have to worry about me showing up anywhere you are or intruding on your life in any way.
I’m not the kind of guy who stalks women or who sets up a fake accidental meeting after they’ve said they don’t want to meet. ”
“I know.” And for the first time, I truly believe that.
Down to my bones. The man standing in front of me is a lot of things, but he’s not manipulative or sneaky.
He’s wearing all his emotions boldly on his face, and I know how hard that is.
I’ve been suppressing mine for so long, I forgot I had any.
“And I know you might never believe…” He stops, eyes meeting mine. “Wait. What do you mean, you know?”
“I believe you didn’t know I was DogPerson when we met in the hardware store.”
He sighs audibly in relief.
“But you still lied to me.”
He nods. “I did.”
“You’re not apologizing?”
He crosses his arms over his chest, defiance rising in his expression.
“I don’t regret it. If I’d told you the truth, you’d have dumped me in real life and online immediately.
It was wrong of me not to tell you, but I got to have extra time with you, and I’ll never have to wonder if I could have convinced you to give me a chance if I’d had more time.
” He shrugs. “Plus, you didn’t want to know the truth. ”
He’s trying to blame this on me now? “Like hell I didn’t.”
“I’m not trying to excuse what I did,” he says gently, like he’s breaking bad news to me.
“But you liked having HandsyGuy to talk to and me for sex. It made you happy to be able to keep both of us. And you told me repeatedly that you didn’t want to know personal information.
If I told you the truth, I’d be taking HandsyGuy and real life Deacon away from you and that would make you sad.
” He shrugs. “It would have absolutely made me sad, too, but be honest, if you could erase the knowledge from your brain, wouldn’t you want to go back to the way things were?
Sex with fun-time Deacon and chatting with HandsyGuy? ”
The truth sinks like a rock in my gut. He’s right. About all of it. Well, almost all of it. “No. I wouldn’t.”
He stares me down, ready to argue his point. “I don’t believe you.”
My heart thumps so hard in my chest it’s painful.
A huge part of me wants to get defensive, to pop out all my quills and protect my soft gooey center, but that’s what got me into this mess in the first place.
“I wouldn’t want to go back because I’m glad to know you’re also HandsyGuy.
I’m glad to know you’re so much more than just the fun guy I could be casual with.
And I don’t want to forget that you are the man I’ve fallen in love with. ”
He stares at me. “I don’t think I heard you right. Can you repeat that?”
“I’m in love with you, Deacon. I’m still pissed that you lied to me, my life is still complicated, and I don’t have time for a relationship—”
He steps closer and cups my face with his strong hands.
“I love you, too, Amelia. So much. And I’m willing to take whatever I can get.
If you only have time to see me once every two weeks, I understand.
I won’t pressure you for more. I’m willing to work around your schedule, especially now that you’re going back to school. ”
I smile, even though my eyes are damp. “You heard about that?”
“Congratulations, by the way. I’m so proud of you, baby.”
“Thanks.” A tear slips down my cheek. “Once every two weeks isn’t going to work for me, Deacon. I want to be with you, but—”
“No buts,” he says. “We can figure this out. Don’t push me away because you think I can’t handle complicated or—”
This time I interrupt him. “Would you just hear me out?”
He pins his lips shut tight and nods.
“I want to see you more than once every two weeks. I want to be able to see you when I’ve had a bad day and my life feels chaotic. I want to text with you in the middle of the night just because I’m missing you. But I’m not sure that’s fair to you—”
“It is.”
I press a finger against his lips. “Listen! Our relationship is probably almost never going to be date nights and weekends away and long lunches. It’s going to be you stopping over for pizza with me and my kid and maybe not even getting a goodnight kiss, because I can’t get her to just stay in bed and we both have early mornings.
It’s going to be twenty minutes on my lunch break and probably some awkward moments that involve my ex-husband and my extended family.
It’s highly likely you’ll catch the stomach bug from me one day or plan a wonderful date for us that I have to leave early and—”
“I want that,” he says. “I want all of that.”
“I’m not sure you really understand what you’re saying—”
“Enough already,” Ellery says. “He says he wants you, and you want him. Just kiss and figure out the rest as you go.”
Deacon and I turn our heads to see Ellery standing between the kitchen and the living room, holding an ice pack on her head, and unabashedly watching us and listening to every word.
“Take the damn leap, Amelia,” Ellery says. “Let the people who love you catch you.”
“This is a prime example of what I was trying to explain to you,” I say, turning back to Deacon.
Deacon grins down at me and, without looking away, says, “Ellery, nothing personal, but please get the hell out.”
“Okay,” Ellery says cheerfully. “We can have lunch another time.”
She’s gone, closing the door behind her, before I can answer.
“I want it all,” Deacon says. “The chaos and the awkwardness and the inconvenient interruptions. I even want the stomach bug. As long as I have you, everything else will be worth it.”
“Are you sure? The stomach bug is nothing to sneeze at and—”
Thankfully, he kisses me before I can convince him to do the reasonable thing and walk away.