Chapter Twenty-Four
Leaving the Hab and riding back home should be enough to bring me to tears.
I’m breathing in clean, fresh air. The stench of rotten eggs and sulfur is no longer embedded in my pores. I’m surrounded by colors. From the black tires of the shuttle to the greens and browns of the trees we drive by to the beautiful blue sky marking my homecoming. It’s so bright today that when I first left the Hab I had to cover my eyes and put on the sunglasses the facilitator handed me.
Speaking of—the facilitator. It’s the same woman who dropped our group off on the first day. Only today, she’s way less chatty and a whole lot more awkward. I wish she would just come out and ask me what’s clearly on her mind—why did you lock your teammate out? The more I think of my actions that day, the more I’m sure that’s what I’ll be remembered for. Not for helping the school get the new library, but for being the reason there was only one person to complete the challenge instead of two.
At least I’m no longer the forgotten Rogers sibling.
I sigh and stare out the window at the passing Texas landscape of green pastures with roaming cattle and horses. We pass a silver minivan on the right and come up on a dusty eighteen-wheeler with the words “Wash Me” written in the dirt across its back.
“So,” I begin. I need some assurance I haven’t turned myself into some sort of social pariah. “I bet that’s the first time someone has intentionally locked one of their teammates out during one of these simulations, huh?”
The facilitator shakes her head. “You’d think so, but it’s actually not. A couple of cycles ago, the whole team worked together to drag one of their crew members outside the Hab without a helmet or space suit. He wouldn’t stop singing ‘Despacito.’ Literally. He didn’t know the words or Spanish. He’d only say, ‘despacito,’ and mumble the chorus. Unfortunately, he happened to be their only IT guru, and the whole mission fell apart shortly after. At least you waited until the major tasks were complete.”
I offer a small smile before turning back to the window. Now we’re passing a rest stop. I don’t find comfort in knowing I’m not the first person to kick someone off. There is no comfort when I’m plagued with what-ifs. What if I had trusted Roman fully? What if the dandelions had sprouted sooner? What if I’d never heard Principal Major’s message? Would Roman be here with me right now? Would we be making plans to move forward with our relationship no matter what anyone had to say?
“Do you mind if I roll the window down?” I ask.
“Go for it.”
I press the button for the window to go down automatically and sit with my head against the headrest, enjoying the feel of fresh air washing over my face and stirring my braids, while trying not to think.
The facilitator takes me back to the Space Center for debriefing and final paperwork. By the time everything is over and done with, Lance is waiting in the parking lot for me. I almost lose it when I see his familiar face.
“Hey, little sis,” he says, engulfing me in a hug. He clears his throat. “That is, Astronaut Rogers.”
I roll my eyes and hand over my bag. “I am not an astronaut.”
“Does your momma know that? The way she’s been lamenting these past two months, she’d swear up and down that you really did go to Mars.”
“I’m sure that’s an exaggeration. She has plenty of other things to focus on to forget about me and my adventures.”
Lance shakes his head. “Tell that to her. She thinks Vincent’s need for thrills can spread to us like a virus, and she’s worried you’ll try to become a real astronaut now that you’ve gotten a taste of it. She made Zara promise to stay away from all things space.”
“But Zara is only three months. Actually, I guess going on five months now. But still, my point remains.”
Lance shakes his head with a beleaguered sigh. “I know,” he says, and gets into the driver’s seat of his Subaru.
As I get in and sink into the leather seat, I inhale deeply. It smells so good.
“You know, your mom was worried about you, but she’s also proud of you,” Lance says.
“I know,” I say automatically, then go back to taking deep drags of air.
“Like, really proud of you. Camille wanted to throw a barbecue this past Fourth of July. Your mom insisted we buy an inflatable projector to watch the live stream of you and the simulation. Then she went on at least a five-minute spiel telling everyone she talked to about your degrees and everything you’ve done to help kids.”
“Wow. That’s…wow.”
I always knew Mom was proud of me, just not as proud as she is of Vincent and Camille. But to hear about her pride from Lance’s perspective, the little girl in me can’t help but smile.
“Thank you for sharing that with me,” I say. “Now”—I lift up my sunglasses so Lance can get the full effect of my glare—“imagine my surprise when I began unpacking my bag and found a book in there I’m sure I didn’t buy. I wonder who could have left that little gem, hmm?”
Lance tries unsuccessfully to hold in his laugh as we speed down the highway. “That was all Camille.”
Lance pulls up to his and Camille’s house. I get out and follow him to the front door and inside. As I step into their spacious house, I see Zara batting at the colorful toys hanging from her walker. My heart swells, full of love and bittersweetness at how much she’s grown in just six weeks. Before I know it, she’ll be asking me to take her to the mall, like any good aunty would, so she can spend all my money.
“Cami, I got our space cadet home safe and sound!” Lance shouts.
As we step farther into the house from the foyer, Lance goes to pick up Zara from her walker, peppering her with kisses as she giggles in his arms.
“Aww.” I place a hand over my heart. “She found her laugh.”
I hear the slight but indistinguishable pitter-patter of steps before Sheba comes into view. I was worried that my pup would forget about me or decide she wanted to live with Camille and Lance or that she’d be mad and ignore me altogether. But Sheba pauses two seconds max before realizing it’s me. Her head goes back as she prepares her body for launch, though it takes another two seconds for Sheba to gain enough traction on the marble floor when her feet move too quickly. Once her body is in accord with physics, she lurches forward like a rocket.
Laughing, I bend down, hugging her to me. Soon enough, my laughter turns into gut-wrenching sobs as all the emotions I’ve been repressing come bursting through. I haven’t allowed myself to cry since sabotaging Roman, and now I can’t stop. I let all my feelings spill out: guilt, love, foolishness, and now, with Sheba back at my side, happiness.
“You didn’t forget me,” I sob into Sheba’s fur.
“Of course she didn’t forget you,” Camille says behind us. “You’re her favorite person. That was a silly thought.”
If there’s one thing Camille is going to do, it’s act like she knows everything. But since in this instance she is clearly right, I won’t say anything.
I pull my head back from Sheba’s soft fur—though I’m still scratching behind her ears as she whines and her wagging tail causes her whole body to sway—and look back at Camille. “Well, I missed you too.”
Camille’s eyes study my face before she declares, “I’ll get us some wine.”
After more pets for Sheba, I finally stand up. I say hi to Zara, who is now being fed a bottle by Lance, then go outside, where Camille is waiting for me. She even has a box of tissues in my usual spot.
Camille watches me and takes a sip of her water with cucumber before starting. “You did the exact opposite of what I told you to do.”
I throw my head back and close my eyes. “I know,” I whisper.
“You may as well tell me about it. About him . And don’t worry, when you go through that box, I’ve got plenty more.”
I go on to recount my past six weeks. The first day in the Hab, all the games we played and how we got to know each other, my initial suspicions of Roman and deciding I could trust him, subsequently falling even harder for him, and my line of thinking when I messed up his oxygen line. And finally the realization that he wasn’t trying to ruin the dandelions after all.
At some point in the tale, Camille’s glass gets stuck halfway to her mouth. When I’m done, she brings it up to take another sip, then shakes her head. “That is a lot. And really, I can’t say that I blame you. You knew Principal Major didn’t want you to succeed. It’s logical that he’d send his son to make sure you didn’t. Who could have guessed his son would have plans of his own? And who could have guessed that things would get even more complicated by you falling for him?” Camille pauses and raises one finger. “Actually, I did call that one.”
“Can you not? For once?”
Camille sighs. “Fine. Just this once. But for what it’s worth, from the footage I did watch, he looked equally smitten with you.”
My hand stills on Sheba’s head. Even though we’re outside, instead of sniffing around and exploring, Sheba has opted to stay right next to me, probably worried I’ll disappear again. “You thought he looked smitten with me? What would make you say that?” I need her to be very specific.
Camille shrugs. “You could just tell. From the beginning, his body language seemed more open with you than with anyone else. And it was like every week he cared less and less that there were cameras and that you two are work colleagues .” She stresses the last point. “Everyone was talking about that painting date he set up for you.”
I smile, thinking about the horrendous picture he made of me. “You don’t think he was faking?” I ask, and immediately hold my breath while Camille contemplates her answer.
“No, I don’t. I think his dad made a shitty and highly inappropriate, not to mention unprofessional, request, and he was in a bad situation. Now, that’s not to say that he’s off the hook. He should have told you what his dad was up to from the beginning. If I were you, I would have sabotaged his butt too. And I hope you’re going to finally write that letter to your school board.” Camille huffs, getting herself worked up. “As a matter of fact, I’ve got a few things I want to get off my chest about that principal, so I may just go ahead and write the letter myself.”
“Camille.”
“What?”
I shake my head. “Never mind.” I was going to tell her she was doing too much, but I actually like when my big sister tries to look out for me.
“So what are you going to do about your situation with Roman?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t.”
“Well, things at school are going to be awkward ,” she sings.
“Maybe not. I think…I think I’m going to quit.”
Camille’s eyebrows shoot up as my words tumble out, surprising even myself.
“All these years I’ve been trying to find that one thing that can make me happy and fulfilled. I love making a difference in children’s lives, but since the beginning, it’s been an uphill battle. Well, I won the money for staying in the simulation for the full six weeks, and I’ve got a sizable savings, not to mention my retirement funds if worse comes to worst, but I think I could really do this.”
“What?” Camille interrupts. “You could really do what?”
“Start a foundation. I want to help kids all over the world access books and reading. Of course, I’ll start right here in the city, but in time, I think I could grow it into something big. What do you think?” I ask hesitantly.
Camille smiles. “I think you’ve found your calling.”
I nod. This decision feels good and solid. For the first time in my life, I know what I truly want. And it’s not to be an astronaut like my big brother or a doctor like my big sister. It took me a while, but I’m finally seeing a path of my own that is clear.
“You know,” I begin, “for so long, I’ve wanted what you and Vincent have. To be sure that I’m in the right career. All my life it’s felt like I’ve been playing catch-up to you. You’ve always seemed to have it all together.”
She smiles softly. “Yeah, I was watching when you told Roman you didn’t live up to the Rogers name. I’m so sorry you ever felt that way, but Bri, I told you I don’t have it all together. To be honest, there are times when I’m barely keeping my head above water.” I look at her in disbelief and Camille nods emphatically. “I’m so serious. My life has never been perfect, and having Zara has really thrown me for a loop. My emotions are all over the place. I want to stay with her and get all the cuddles I can while she’s this small. But I need to go to work and take care of my patients. But if I’m at work too long, I’m neglecting my family and missing so much. The guilt is never-ending, and it always feels like I’m the one playing catch-up in my own life.” She sighs. “You know I like to control things, but I have to constantly let Lance hold down the fort here at home and rely on my colleagues at work to fill in the gaps that I can’t. Mom made everything look so easy, and I always thought if I ever had kids, I’d be able to follow in her footsteps. But it’s so hard.”
“I’m sure it was hard on Mom too. But there was also so much love and fun for us that we probably black out most of the hard parts and can’t remember the hell we must have raised.”
“Speak for yourself. You were the little hellion. Always causing the most trouble out of all of us.”
“No, I wasn’t. That was all Vince.”
Camille shakes her head no. “Vince didn’t start until he was accepted into NASA’s training program. You’ve been a handful since you were a kid. Remind me, who was it that decided to steal the peaches from Old Man Willie’s yard again?”
We both laugh, and when it dies down, I reach over to pat Camille’s hand. “You are a great mom. You’re a super mom. Super sister and super woman as well. I said I’ve always felt like I had to play catch-up to you, but that’s because I admire you so much. You are a great role model.”
Camille squeezes my hand and sniffs. “Oh my God, what is this?” She reaches for a tissue and quickly dabs her eyes. “Not me out here choking on my feelings. Ew.” Camille has always been the calm and composed one, the least likely of my siblings to cry. I count it as a win that I’ve gotten my sister to show her softer emotions.
“That’s right, let it all out,” I say. “Feel those feelings. Let them surround you with the warm-and-fuzzies. Because you want to know what else? Zara loves you so much. She thinks you’re the best momma in the whole world.”
“Stop!”
“And that husband of yours was made just for you. It’s like you two are pieces of a puzzle that just fit, and it’s more than evident that he knows it too. You are his queen!”
“Ahhh!”
We laugh and cry so hard that we don’t hear our mom step outside until she’s standing between us. “What is going on out here?”
At the sound of my mom’s voice, I instantly hop out of my chair. “Momma!”
She throws her arms around me and squeezes tight, going on and on about her baby being home and how if I ever think of going to Mars for real, it’ll be over her dead body. I just let her rattle on as I hug her back.
After always thinking that I had to play catch-up with my siblings and feeling like I was the last and least important of us to my mom, I realize how wrong I’ve been. And if I’ve been wrong about the fundamental truths that have shaped my adult years, could I be wrong in other areas of my life? Like, maybe I was wrong when I thought it was over between Roman and me.
Maybe.
“Camille,” Mom says when she finally releases me and looks to Camille, “have you been crying?”