40. Lilah
LILAH
The molded plastic chairs in the surgical floor waiting room stuck to my exposed back. My chin ached. The six stitches would probably scar, but worry over Rye eclipsed that pain. We’d been here for nearly eight hours. The early dawn sunrise colored the sky outside.
Nora paced in front of me. I had to hold it together for her. My eyes burned with unshed tears. I couldn’t cry in front of Nora.
Guilt chewed at the center of my chest.
A surgeon came in and took off his scrub cap.
I stood, cold shock traveling through my bare feet.
“Surgery went well.”
Nora collapsed into a chair.
“It was touchy for a while, but we were able to save his leg. He’ll still need at least one more surgery, so we’ll see how he comes out and let you know about that later today.”
I stepped forward, guilt-laced bile flooded my stomach. “But he’ll still be able to play hockey, won’t he?”
“We’re not sure. The most important thing was saving his life and his leg. After that, it’ll depend on how well he heals. There are a lot of factors in play. He’s a hell of a player and we’re doing everything we can. You should be able to see him in a little bit.”
The surgeon left. Nora’s shoulders shook and she pressed her hands against her face.
I curled an arm around her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Nora. I’m so sorry.”
My fault.
Rye’s hockey career could be over because of me.
He’d tried to warn me, but I’d been blinded by Mason, and now Rye might never play again.
I’d ruined so many lives. Nora and her boys.
Rye going pro was going to take care of them.
She’d worked so hard to keep him in hockey.
Rye was determined to give her everything after all her sacrifices. And it might all be gone.
I blinked hard and fast to keep my tears from falling.
Nora sat straighter and looked at me.
I forced myself to meet her gaze and braced for her anger.
She shuddered with relief and wiped at her cheeks. “He’s going to be okay.”
“But he might not play hockey.”
She wrapped her arms around me, rocking us both back and forth. “We’ll figure that out later, but for right now, he’s going to be okay.”
I let the tears silently fall, held in Nora’s arms, trying to control my trembling.
Noise and footsteps sounded down the hall. Rye’s family poured into the waiting room.
Ducking my head, I dried my eyes and waited. There were shocked gasps, people checking on me and the bandage on my chin. Questions, so many questions. And the shame and regret curdled even stronger in my gut at the questions about how Rye got hurt.
My fault.
A nurse let everyone know they could go in to see him one at a time. Nora asked if I’d like to go in with her. How was I supposed to face Rye if he could never play again?
Since his family were here for Nora, I slipped out of the room under the pretense of finding shoes. Without a phone or money, I walked back to the house.
I tried to let myself sink into the quiet oblivion of nothingness. The same one I’d floated in for a year after my mom died. One trudging footstep after another. Numb was better, but it wouldn’t come. Guilt threatened to devour me whole, but hurt and betrayal wanted their turns at cutting me deep.
Two hours later, the cold, wet grass of Willowcrest numbed the sore soles of my feet. I’d trusted him. I’d wanted to trust him. I’d wanted to not be alone. A few breadcrumbs of apology for making my life hell and I’d given him everything. My fault.
I squeezed my eyes shut against the throat-clogging cry that built in my chest. All I wanted to do was take a shower, crawl into my bed and never do anything ever again.
I opened the front door to find the backpack I’d packed knocked off my bed and its contents spilled out onto the floor. And my bed? That was folded up. Wrappers and crumbs from the discarded box of my snacks sat on top of my trunk.
“Why do we have to get there so early?” Kelsey opened her door and walked out with her shower caddy that I’d bought in her hands.
She looked at me in my ruined dress, covered in blood, with my bandaged chin, and she smirked.
“Glad we at least got some fun before you ruined the whole dating Mason thing.”
A crazed noise ripped out of my throat. I knocked the shower supplies from her hand and shoved her against the wall.
“What in the hell is wrong with you? All I ever wanted to be was your sister and you’re always such a massive bitch.”
Kelsey’s startled eyes narrowed. “Perfect Lilah. Lilah got a scholarship to Hawthorne Prep. Lilah always cleans up after herself. I never have to worry about Lilah. Lilah always gets good grades. It’s all we ever heard whenever we visited and it was even worse once we moved in here.
We were lucky if we saw him once or twice a year and you got all his attention. ”
A laugh escaped. A hysterical, close to maniacal laugh. I doubled over, bracing a hand on the couch. My stomach hurt from laughing so hard, adding to all the aches in my body. “If you didn’t have your head so far up your own ass, you’d know that none of that means a damn thing.”
Eliza stood in the doorway, glancing between us.
“I was uncomplicated and easy because with one wrong move I would have no one.” A bitter twist knotted my stomach. “You had your mom. My mom is dead. She’s dead. And it’s not like I ‘got’ to live with Dad.” I brushed the tears from my eyes.
“He only agreed to take me in when it came down to foster care or him and he’d have to pay child support regardless.
So whatever imagined bullshit relationship you think we have is only because you’re so hateful and evil that anything that doesn’t look like the gnarled, warped darkness of your soul is a fairytale to you. ”
Dad’s bedroom door opened and he stared at me, stunned. A sputtered flare of panic rose but quickly collapsed under the weight of the last twelve hours. I stormed past Kelsey toward the bathroom.
“Hey, I was going to take a shower,” she called after me.
“Then take one in your own bathroom!” I screamed. “And you owe me a box of Tastykakes.” I shook, closing and locking the bathroom door. Without looking at myself in the mirror, I peeled off my mother’s ruined dress and got into the shower.
With the water cranked on high, I curled up, knees to my chest, at the back of the shower, letting the water beat down on my shoulders.
I fought to find the place where it didn’t hurt anymore. Numb was welcome, an old friend I thought I’d left behind but which had found me in this time of need.
I could be numb again. Not let myself ever feel like this again. Nothing was worth this pain.
I left the shower. My bed had been unfolded, all the trash collected and pajamas laid out for me.
It was probably Eliza, but I didn’t care.
I went back to the bathroom, got dressed and crawled into my bed.
I curled over onto my stomach, fists clenching the blankets and buried my face in the fabric as throat-choking sobs racked my body.
Was it possible to drown while lying in bed?
I reached for my phone, my mother’s voice to comfort me, and then it hit me all over again. My phone sat at the bottom of Galen’s pool, broken, dead, and it had taken that last bit of my mom with me.
No one was here. No one’s fingers wrapped around my neck. All alone. So why couldn’t I breathe? I choked on nothing. Gasping for air in an empty room.
Time passed in unrecognizable chunks. Night stretched on for days and the light flashed by in hours.
I’d expected Mason to be on my doorstep when I’d gotten back from the hospital. But I didn’t know if that was because I wanted to punch him or hug him, so it was better that he’d never shown up.
Doors opened and closed around me, voices drifted past, footsteps crisscrossed the floor.
Everyone moved through life as if I weren’t even here.
I wanted the bed to swallow me up. At least they seemed somewhat aware of my existence.
They hadn’t folded up the bed with me in it and enjoyed having their living room back.
A delirious laugh burst free from my chest. Here I’d been, pushing myself so hard to be useful, valuable, seen by the people closest to me, the only family I had left.
And they continued on with their lives as if I wasn’t even here.
At some point, small bites of food appeared beside me on the bed. A mini-muffin, a couple of chicken nuggets, a sliver of pizza.
I wasn’t sure how long it had been. At one point, Eliza slid a sandwich to me across my comforter, almost as if she was trying to feed it straight into my mouth.
I’d tried a single bite before it turned to cardboard in my mouth.
The hard crust and smell of old deli meat turned my stomach.
I set it on the rug, at least a little proud I hadn’t knocked it to the floor like a disgruntled cat.
The bed dipped sometime later. “It was on the doorstep in a container of rice a few days ago, but it won’t turn back on.” She held my destroyed phone in her hand. “I put the SIM in my old phone though, if you wanted to talk to anyone.”
So it had been at least three days. Why did everything feel raw, like I’d gotten home minutes ago? Wasn’t I supposed to be numb?
I stared at the plants on the windowsill over her shoulder.
She set the new-old phone on the bed. Was she expecting me to talk? What was there to say?
After turning the phone on, she got up and left me.
Messages popped up onscreen from Nora, Rye and Paige. Even Natalie had sent a text. All of it felt empty. I wanted to be there for Rye’s other surgeries. His mom had texted updates, but there was nothing left of me. Hollow.
I’d blocked Mason at some point. No nightly voice notes this time.
Eventually, the phone died.
Paige showed up. She brought ice cream and petted my head while staring at me with abject horror.
“I look that bad, huh?” I croaked out.
She rushed out. “No, you look… What happened?”
The words stalled in my throat. There was nothing I could say. “It wasn’t worth the risk.”
“What? No, Lilah. Mason would never hurt you.”