Chapter viii
viii
VALENTINE’S DAY WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS OUR souls found each other in the liminal dream space, one of those days that began with tears when I awoke fully and realized that your arms around me were only in my mind. It was a Wednesday morning when I had the kids, so I tried my best to pull myself together before I left my room.
We all met in the kitchen for breakfast, the way we do every day before school and work. Violet, looking impossibly mature in jeans and a red cashmere sweater she’d stolen from my closet, was pouring cereal for herself and both her brothers. Liam, his AirPods already in his ears, was grabbing a carton of milk from the refrigerator. And Sam was setting the table. They’re really close, all three of them. Fifteen, thirteen, and eight. It’s incredible to see.
“Morning, Mom,” Sammy said, giving me his megawatt smile, the one that shows your dimple. He looks so much like you that sometimes I think you’re there with me. “Happy Valentine’s Day!” he added.
He handed me a homemade card with a drawing he’d made of me and him sitting in a movie theater, along with a box of Sno-Caps—our favorite candy.
Violet gave Samuel an indulgent eye roll. “Liam and I have something for you, too, Mom,” she said. “Sammy went his own way.”
“I wanted to make it myself,” Sam said with a shrug. “It’s more fun. Plus I know you like my drawings and I wanted to make one for you.”
The parents in the neighborhood call him “The Muralist.” He’ll often show up at the park and find an empty part of sidewalk or a brick wall and start drawing the outline of something with chalk. A tree, a sun, and some flowers. A big bus with faces looking out the window. A school of fish. And whenever any kid comes by to see what he’s doing, he offers them a piece of chalk and a job. By the end of the afternoon, most of the kids at the park have joined him.
Liam grabbed an envelope from the sideboard. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Mom,” he said, handing it to me.
I opened the card and laughed. They’d found a Rocket Through Time –licensed Valentine’s Day card. I still think of it as our show, Gabe. Remember when you helped me work out storylines in our studio apartment in Hell’s Kitchen?
“I love these gifts,” I told all three of them. “They’re wonderful. There’s something from me in your lunchboxes today. Don’t peek!”
I’ve always thought of packing their lunches as a little hug from me to each of them during the school day, a way for them to know that they’re loved and always will be. Violet sometimes replaces her lunch with food from the Brooklyn Tech cafeteria, but I like knowing she has a meal waiting for her, just in case she wants it.
I poured myself a bowl of cereal and sat with them.
“Everyone has their homework packed?” I asked.
They all nodded.
“Sam, you have your Valentine’s Day cards for the class?” He nodded.
“Vi, you have yours for Ji-ho?” She nodded. She started dating Ji-ho in the fall, and they were pretty inseparable.
“What about you, Liam?” I asked. “Are there any cards you need to remember to bring?”
He turned pink but shook his head, which made me wonder. He’s the least communicative of my three kids. I’ve joked with Darren that it’s why he plays the drums. He needs to be loud somehow.
“What about you, Mom?” Violet asked softly. “Any Valentines for you this year?”
I smiled at my daughter. “Not this year, sweetie,” I told her. “Maybe one day.” Maybe one day when I felt stronger, when I wasn’t afraid that entrusting my heart to someone else could lead me into darkness. I’d made it out once, but I lived in fear I wouldn’t be able to again.
I looked up at the clock. “Okay, everyone, time to go.”
While we walked to the Court Street subway stop, each lost in thought, my mind turned to you, as it often does, to the way I’d seen you that morning before I’d fully woken up. You’d seemed so real. I wondered if that was the universe’s way of having the two of us spend Valentine’s Day together. Or maybe it was yours. Are you out there, making things happen? Pushing us together? Keeping us connected? Don’t worry, Gabe. No matter what, a part of my heart will always belong to you.