Chapter xxxi
xxxi
THAT NIGHT AT DINNER, THE KIDS AND I DID OUR usual “best, worst, and wished” list around the table. I knew I couldn’t say my real worst and wished. And wondered if the kids ever hold back their answers from me. I hadn’t contemplated it before, but I realized it was probably true. I was certain that there were things Violet didn’t want me knowing about, or her brothers knowing about. And probably the same with the boys.
“Best,” I said, “dinner with you three.”
“Mom, you always say that!” Sammy replied. He was doodling on his plate with his index finger, using ketchup as paint. I couldn’t quite see what he was making.
“It’s always true,” I answered. “Worst: I tried to put milk in my coffee today at lunch, and it had curdled.”
“Good thing we had muffins for breakfast today instead of cereal,” Liam added.
“Very good thing,” I said. “That milk smelled vile.”
“And wished?” Violet asked.
“Wished life were simpler,” I said.
She nodded solemnly. “Me too.”
I had to hide a smile. Fifteen is pretty grown-up, but sometimes I look at her and she seems like a little kid in my borrowed dress and high heels, pretending to be an adult.
“What about your other two?” I asked.
“Best: I finally got my robot through the maze in Robotics Engineering,” Violet said. “Worst: I tripped over the bottom of my jeans and really bashed my knee on the ground when I was walking to the subway after school. I think it’s black and blue.”
“Oh no!” I said. “I’ll get your jeans shortened—give them to me when you take them off tonight.”
“It’s not a big deal,” Violet said.
“It’s avoidable,” I said, “so we might as well avoid it.”
“My turn,” Sammy said. “Best: One of my drawings got chosen for the school art show! Worst: Abe’s drawing, which I thought was the best thing he’s drawn all year, didn’t. Wished: It did, so that we could both be in the show together and our families could all go out for ice cream after.”
“Hey, congratulations!” Violet said. “Sorry ’bout Abe, though.”
“You’re a better artist than he is anyway,” Liam said. “You’re probably a better artist than any kid in your grade.”
I could see Sammy’s cheeks turning pink. “Thanks, Liam,” he said.
Liam shrugged. “Whatever, it’s true,” he said. “I wouldn’t say it otherwise.”
I laughed. “I’m excited for the art show. Do you know when it is yet?”
Sammy nodded. “It’s on a paper in my backpack, but I think it’s in two weeks. Or maybe three.”
“We’ll make sure we’re all there,” I said, speaking for the whole family.
I knew Darren, Courtney, and the girls would want to go. Though I didn’t know if they’d want to go with me. Or if Darren would, at least. I wasn’t sure if Courtney knew who Sammy’s biological dad was. Or where he got his artistic talent or his curly blond hair or his dimple. It was times like these that I wished you and your mom both had had a chance to meet Sam. It would’ve been so cool for her to see her talent passed down to her grandson, to give him lessons, to let him look at her work, to be someone he could look up to and learn from. I keep thinking I should talk to Eva about mentoring him.
“What about you, Liam?” I asked. I always feel for Liam, my quiet, thoughtful, introverted boy stuck between two talkative extroverts.
“Best,” he said, “you gave me a salami sandwich for lunch. Worst: My teacher made me read Shakespeare out loud in class today. Wished: We could read nonfiction quietly to ourselves in English class instead.”
“Which play are you reading?” I asked him.
“ Romeo and Juliet ,” he said. “And I had to be Mercutio. The real worst part is the teacher said I did a good job, so she’s going to choose me again.”
Violet laughed. “That’s cool that you’re good at reading Shakespeare.”
Liam sighed. “I think it’s because it’s all so rhythmic. I can kind of feel the meter when I read it.”
“That’s actually pretty impressive, Liam,” I said. “Most people probably don’t pick up on that so quickly—or at all.”
He sighed again. “I guess. I just prefer not to read out loud.”
“Could you ask your teacher not to choose you to read again?” Violet asked him.
He shrugged. “I think it’s part of my participation grade. So probably I should just do it.”
“Did I ever tell you about my favorite Shakespeare play?” I asked.
The kids shook their heads.
“Well, it’s not quite my favorite,” I said, “but it means a lot to me. It’s one I was studying in college on September eleventh, in 2001, when the planes hit the Twin Towers.”
“I can’t believe you lived through history like that, Mom,” Violet said.
“Sometimes I can’t either,” I told her.
“So what was the play?” Sammy asked.
“ Julius Caesar ,” I said. “And there are some lines that will be stuck in my head forever. They go: ‘There is a tide in the affairs of men / Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; / Omitted, all the voyage of their life / Is bound in shallows and in miseries. / On such a full sea are we now afloat, / And we must take the current when it serves, / Or lose our ventures.’”
“Ms. Shah would like your Shakespeare reading, too, Mom,” Liam said. “You got the rhythm down.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Liam. I appreciate it.”
“What does it mean, Mom?” Sammy asked.
“Well,” I said, “to me it means that we get to decide what we do with things we’re handed in our lives. Daddy and I got divorced, right, and that could have gone a lot of different ways. We could’ve each fought to have you guys with us all the time. We could have decided we never wanted to talk to each other again. But we both made a choice to make decisions we thought were best for you all. We decided to give each other grace and try to be good parents to you three, even if we couldn’t be a good husband and wife to each other. Things will happen in your lives, and it’s up to you to decide how to move forward.”
I saw Liam nodding. “Maybe reading Shakespeare’s not that bad,” he said. “I guess he’s kind of a smart guy.”
“Can dinner be done?” Sammy asked.
I nodded. “If you’re done, just bring your plate to the sink.”
Sammy popped off his chair. I saw his plate and it looked like the ketchup was an attempted duplication of the design of the stained-glass window above the front door.
Violet got up, too.
Liam lingered a moment longer. “Mom?” he said.
“Liam?” I asked back.
He smiled, but then his face was serious again. “Did you and Dad both want us all the time?”
I nodded. “Of course. But we thought it would be better for you three and for our family if you were raised by both your mom and your dad equally. Do you think we made the right choice?”
Liam was quiet for a moment. “Yeah, I guess so. Sometimes I wish we just had one place to stay, you know? But if we lived with you, I’d miss Dad a lot. And if we lived with Dad, I’d miss you a lot. So I guess this is the best choice given the situation. That’s what you were talking about, right? There’s a situation, and you have to choose the best option after that.”
I gave Liam a hug. “That’s exactly right,” I said. “I love how thoughtful and insightful you are, my sweet boy.”
I waited for Liam to duck out of the hug, but he stayed. And I stayed. And we hugged for a minute, maybe two.
“Are you okay?” I asked him.
“Yeah,” he said. “Just, some things are a lot to think about.”
“I agree,” I told him, resting my cheek against the top of his head. He’d be taller than me soon, no question.
THAT NIGHT I GOT A MESSAGE FROM DAX. SEEING his name in my phone while sitting in my house in Brooklyn felt surreal—and made my stomach flip. I clicked it open, my body humming. Just wanted to see how you were doing , he wrote. I rewatched your TV show. Brought back some bittersweet memories of watching with Zac. But I really enjoyed the show itself.
I looked at his words. I thought about the conversation the kids and I just had over dinner. I had a situation. I had a choice. Over and over, I had a choice: to pursue my feelings for Dax and his for me, or to pull away before I got too attached. Would I change the one I’d been making?
I took a deep breath, put on pajamas, and closed the app. I’d decide tomorrow.