Chapter 15 #3
“Don’t. You don’t have to say more. I understand.” Tears filled her eyes, then her nose, the sorrow too great to be contained. “I didn’t really know her, but she was lovely, and your whole family must be– oh, Kell.”
Reaching for him, she pulled him into a hug, one he took with a tender touch as they held each other, her sadness at the shock of the news receding slowly.
Imagining the Luviews all handling the news, Luke becoming a young widower, little preschooler Harriet, and Colleen, Deanna and Dean – how did families get over tragedies like that? The Luview family was trying.
Trying by buying the camp.
A new wave of self-recrimination turned her skin colder. The whole family was banding together to buy the camp because of what happened to Luke and Harriet, weren’t they? This was how their loving extended family had decided, collectively, to move forward.
By becoming tighter.
“Oh, no,” she moaned into Kell’s shoulder. “It’s not fair.”
“No. It’s not,” he said back, having no idea she didn’t just mean what had happened to Amber.
She meant all of it.
And her role in this mess was so much more complicated now.
“I can’t believe this,” she murmured.
“It was hard. Still is. Luke got through that first year like a zombie. He’s nothing like the fun-loving guy he used to be.”
“People change,” she gasped as they pulled apart, Kell taking her hand, their legs doing a lazy walk as he seemed to need to talk.
Rachel could listen. It felt safe to listen. It did not feel very safe to speak right now.
“We do, don’t we?” he said. “It’s like fate throws us different lives to try on. Some of them we choose, but some of them are chosen for us.”
“What do you mean?”
“You ever have this image in your head of who you are? And another image of who you want to be? Once I got to D.C., it was like a whole new Kell got a chance to exist. D.C. Kell wore suits and sat at a nice, clean desk all day. Got fancy coffees and sat in meetings with congressmen and women, met with policy makers, learned the ins and outs of how government intersects with society. D.C. Kell went out for happy hour with his work friends, lived in an apartment where he could walk to everything he needed, and could walk down the street without a single person knowing him. No need to wave or smile, make small talk, absorb petty criticisms, or be asked to take sides in arguments. I was free to reinvent myself. It was nice. Really nice.”
“That was a life you chose.”
“Right. Luke had this whole life with Amber. High school sweethearts. College sweethearts. He chose to be a small-town cop, she got a bookkeeping job at the hospital, and then it was time to have the four kids they always wanted.”
“Four?”
“Right. They got one.” Kell opened his mouth to say something more, then closed it.
“And now, Luke has a life he didn’t choose.”
“He’s turned into someone he didn’t choose.”
“I understand.”
“Do you? Because it turned out there was a whole other Kell who emerged in D.C. I call him Sucker Kell.”
“Oh, no.” Sharp, cold air filled her lungs as she inhaled, bracing her for this conversation.
“Oh, yes. Sucker Kell chased after Alissa, who it turns out just wanted to use him to get access to his high-powered, government-official uncle in Maine. Sucker Kell thought he was living his best urban life, moving up ladders, dating a strong, smart career woman who kept him on his toes. Sucker Kell had his work friends, like John and Jonas, and his Nordic-noir-watching friend Rachel, who tried to warn him about his not-so-great girlfriend.”
“You weren’t a sucker, Kell.”
“The hell I wasn’t. Getting gut punched over and over and over like that made it impossible to breathe.
You can only absorb so many blows before you stay down, Rachel.
I got out before that last one kept me down.
If I’d stayed in D.C. one day more, I’m not sure who I’d be right now.
That scared me more than anything else. All the pieces of who I thought I was were suddenly unrecognizable.
I see some of that in Luke these days. He has no idea who he is.
He sure as heck didn’t choose to be Widower Luke. Single Dad Luke.”
“No one chooses pain like that.”
“It’s not the same–not at all–but if I’d stayed in D.C., it would have been like choosing pain. It’s why I had to come home. At least Hometown Kell is someone I know. Someone who isn’t ashamed all the time.”
“Ashamed? Why would you ever have felt shame?”
“I felt shame for being too stupid to see what Alissa was doing.” He sighed. “And what I thought you did.”
“I didn’t do it, Kell. I’ve told you over and over.”
“I know.”
“But you’ll never believe me, will you?”
“I’m starting to.”
“Starting to? Not all the way?”
“I want to be there.”
“You can choose to be there.”
“Can I? Because it doesn’t feel that way. Something’s stuck inside.”
“Did it ever occur to you that I have other versions of myself, too? That the Rachel who worked at EEC was one with so much hope about being connected to other people who cared about the same things I cared about? That Rachel was doing good, ethical work to save the planet and make life better for people. I wanted to look around and see that I made a tangible difference. I wanted to work with people I considered my friends, to push through projects with purpose, to feel like I was part of something bigger than just me. And I wanted to do it in community.”
“Did you?”
“No. Everything fell apart so fast. Alissa turned into a sabotaging witch. John and Jonas were backstabbers. Lila faded out as fast as she could. And Karen acted like this was just how it all worked. That people were awful to each other behind the scenes to get a leg up, but we were all a team doing good for the world, so it was somehow normal.”
“EEC was anything but normal.”
In truth, the hardest part about EEC for Rachel was what had happened with Kell. How it destroyed a piece of her that she was only barely reclaiming right now, being with him.
Rediscovering something she lost so many years ago was unbelievable, this second chance with Kell a celebration.
But everything she just learned at work set her back. Hard.
“Stanford wasn’t much better,” she muttered, needing to say something as Kell watched her.
“And now? Your work with Markstone's? I’d imagine it’s even worse.”
“Oh, it is.” If only he really knew. “More backstabbing going on than a butcher shop.”
“Why work there, then?”
“At least the stabbing is all out in the open. There’s no illusion that we’re all in it together, or that we’re working collectively to improve things for humanity.
We’re making deals that earn investors unseemly amounts of money.
But at least I know what the real stakes are, and the rules are out in the open. ”
“That sounds like a harsh place to spend your days.”
She thought of her boss’s boss, Doug.
“It is.”
“Then why stay?”
“I–”
Admitting the truth–that her job was on the line–was so shameful, she couldn’t do it. Once she said the words, she could never unsay them, and it felt like a kind of death to admit how badly she’d screwed up.
Add in the truth of what was coming–Markstone's’ mercenary interest in this beautiful little camp, the clash between the megacorporation she represented and the needs of the grief-soaked Luview family–and it was too much.
Too much pain.
So she lied some more.
“It’s a solid job,” she said, shrugging. “And I was on the path to becoming director.”
“Was?”
Oops.
“Yeah. I’m thinking about a job change after this project.”
That was not technically a lie.
“Really? Same path, or something different?”
“I haven’t thought that far out.”
“You? Haven’t thought that far out? Rachel, you were always thinking ahead. You were the only one of us who had decided on grad school, long before the rest of us were starting to consider what to do at the end of the year. Your five-year plans had five-year plans.”
She shrugged. “Maybe I’ve become more spontaneous over the years.”
Concern flashed in his eyes. “Or maybe you’re going through more than you’re letting on?”
The crunch of other boots on snow made them turn toward the sound.
“Kell.” Luke was back, guarded and avoiding eye contact. “We need to go.”
Rachel dropped Kell’s hand and walked toward Luke. “I am so sorry.”
His eyes met hers. They softened.
“It’s okay. You didn’t know. I didn’t know you didn’t know.”
“None of it is okay. I am so, so sorry for your loss.”
“Thanks.” He scratched his eyebrow. “Still don’t know how to respond to that. I appreciate the caring. I do. But I still don’t know what to say back.”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
Gratitude filled his eyes. “Thanks.”
“We doing this?” Kell asked his brother. “Mom and Dad have most of the down payment. If we pool our money, we can swing it.”
“You’ll give up your apartment over Bilbee’s?” she asked.
“That’s the plan. Colleen would leave her place. Mom and Dad would sell our childhood home. Luke would sell his house in town. Not sure about Dennis. Consolidate and team up. Best way to live.”
“I don't know. It’s a huge financial commitment,” Luke said.
“You have all those invoices coming in,” Rachel said to Kell, who frowned.
“The piddly little amount Kell makes pulling weeds isn’t going to help buy this place,” Luke said dismissively.
“Twenty-nine thousand dollars for September and October is anything but piddly!” she exclaimed, instantly earning raised eyebrows from Luke and a tense jaw from Kell.
Uh oh. Had she screwed up again?
“You make that kind of money?” Luke asked Kell, astonishment in his voice.
“That’s not even all of it,” Rachel continued, the truth important to convey. “That’s only the delayed invoices.”
“Yeah,” Kell said slowly. “It’s been growing.”
“Does Dad know?”
“Not really.”
“And he’s in demand! More companies want him, plus film crews!”
Luke looked impressed. “I had no idea.”
“I’ll help out with buying the place,” Kell said. “But you know you can do this already, right?”
Luke’s face turned to stone.
“I don’t want to use the–the–her–money,” he choked out.
“It’s there for a reason, Luke.”
“You know I never took that policy out on her.”
“I know. No one said you did. It was a standard work policy. Amber just chose to max it out and pay the highest premiums.”
“Right after Harriet was born,” Luke said sadly.
It took a moment for Rachel to realize what they were talking about.
Life insurance money.
Luke wore an old-fashioned watch, a cheap black plastic thing that was nothing like the flashy designer timepieces guys wore in L.A. He checked it.
“I gotta go. Harriet,” he said to Kell. “Nice to see you, Rachel.”
“You, too.”
Kell walked her to her car and gave her a kiss, the kind that is supposed to be casual and loving, but this one had an edge to it. A promise.
A craving.
“I meant to call you,” he said as the kiss ended. “Are you using my place for internet?”
“I was going back there after this.”
“Good.”
“I’d like to do more to help with your business. Please?” she practically begged, needed to pay penance somehow, to make up for feeling like an evil villainess.
“You really mean it?”
“Yes!”
Those gray eyes took her in, searching her soul. Hiding the lies was hard. So hard.
“If you could keep up with my voicemails and emails, that would be great. Plus, I’ll give you access to my website.
The Contact Us page has a ton of backlogged inquiries.
I don’t even want to think about all the unanswered crap in there.
And,” he said with a smile, “I’m happy to talk to Lucinda and Boyce about your deal. ”
“NO!” she shouted, surprised by her own vehemence.
Utter confusion covered his face.
“It’s just–I mean–this isn’t quid pro quo.”
Relief was evident in his exhale. “It’s not?”
“No. It never was. I don’t need you to push for me. I’ve got it under control.”
“A word from me could make a big difference. I know how important this deal is to you.” He pulled her closer. “I also know that you’re a good person, and now that you’re getting to know the town, you wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize it.”
“Right,” she said weakly.
A moment passed.
“I like this version of you, Kell,” she whispered. “The one in D.C., too. I like all your versions.”
“That’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me, Rachel. Your versions are all wonderful, too.” His tone changed. “So you’ll be at my apartment when I’m done with work?” he asked softly. The implication was clear.
Be there, and we’ll make love.
“I have a huge project meeting starting at 7:00,” she lied again. “It’s crunch time. I have no idea how long it will go on.”
“Oh. Sounds intense. What about internet? You can use my place.”
“It’s confidential stuff. Let me see if internet works at the trailer and go from there. How about we get together tomorrow?”
“Absolutely.” He leaned down for a kiss and she accepted it with a racing mind and a limping heart. “I’ll text you. How about some Nordic Noir and Chill?”
“Murder and Making Out don’t exactly go together,” she said with a laugh, but then paused. “Or, maybe they do. Hmm.”
As they laughed together, she was dying inside.
With that, he jogged back to his truck, leaving Rachel to climb into her rental car and look in the rearview mirror.
The version she saw was nothing but a liar.
Exactly what Kell feared most.