Chapter 11 #2
Maybe it was the body's way of distracting the heart.
Make something ache. Make something itch.
Force the body to feel, to take some of the spillover from the emotions that the heart couldn't quite handle.
Was it a pressure-valve system, the nerves all working together to maintain some kind of homeostasis?
It didn't matter.
Whatever was going on for Colleen was amplified in Moore. She could feel it in the rigid way he held himself, how his hands pressed against her back, but not with connection. She was in a cage in his arms, where he held her in place as if she might flee.
He was a bounty hunter of the heart and now they both had to serve their sentence, for she had committed the same crime he had. Was it as simple as not paying attention, letting fear override everything, just being stupid?
She opened her mouth.
"Are we really this dumb?"
That broke the tension, and he smiled.
"I guess."
"I feel like a grown-up and a kid all at once. I feel like all of the different ages I've been in your presence are standing in a semi-circle around us, and all of yours are on the other side, mirror images, and they're just waiting to be told who we really are together."
He smiled at her, sad but determined.
"I wish I were a man of more emotional courage back then," he confessed. "I wasn't. But I am now. I'm here."
Colleen's admiration for him was growing by the second. Authority and admiration weren't words she would've applied to Moore even a month ago, but now – now she could feel them radiating from him, as if an ancient prophecy had been unlocked inside him and he was fulfilling his true destiny.
Even if they didn't end up together, Moore would be a better person from the power of this mutual reckoning. So would she. She just really didn't want to grow any more without him.
"Can we put aside the past?" he asked.
"It's a big ask."
"I don't mean discard it," he said. Moving one hand from her back, he slid it up to the curve of her jaw.
"We have too much good in the interwoven life we've already lived together.
You're my best friend, Colleen. I've always said it's Luke, but not anymore.
He was my best friend, but you are my best friend and I want more than that from you.
What happened in the cabin was not a mistake.
It was not about the alcohol, and it was not about the trauma.
Of course, the alcohol and the trauma opened the door to whatever we've both been holding back.
But that's just it, we've been holding it back.
These feelings have been in there for so long.
" The skin around his beautiful brown eyes softened as he leaned closer, warm breath on her nose. “Still are.”
“Mine are, too.” The time for anger was gone. The time for hesitation was gone, too. Now was about clearing the air, sharing their truths, and seeing what the cards on the table said.
The kiss made sense, suddenly, his mouth on hers, tender and hungry at the same time, exactly what she needed to silently answer all the questions that they’d tried to solve.
Lost hopes, lost time, lost causes–all of the uncertainty of the past had to be set aside for this.
The warmth of his wool jacket under her palms. The press of his thigh against her hip.
The way his arms curled up and his hands traced the groove of her back as his warm mouth covered hers.
It all made this the moment she took all the roles she played and tied them up in the connection between their bodies.
Their hearts.
Their souls.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he murmured against her cheek, teeth on her earlobe, the playful bite making her nearly come on the spot.
“I hated the way we parted at the cabin. I wanted to be in that ambulance with you. Wanted to visit you in Manchester. Wanted to come back to your little cabin here and take care of you.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“You seemed so distant. Cold. When we were at the cabin, Luke was being a jerk, but that wasn’t as hard as when you gave me a pained, puppy dog look, like I broke your heart.”
“You kind of did.”
“How?”
“You called me your friend.”
“I–I what?”
”You don’t remember? Luke asked you how you could screw me when you’re his best friend. You said, and I quote, ‘I’m her friend.’”
“But… I am.”
“Is that all I am to you?”
“Of course not! I wouldn’t do this if we were just friends.”
Oh, that kiss. Already done forgiving him–though he hadn’t done anything wrong–the hurt piece of her that froze when Moore said the F-word at the cabin began to thaw.
Emotions often made no sense, but they were especially undecipherable around rejection.
The perceived slight lingered in her psyche like woodsmoke on flannel.
It would take a long time to air out.
“I wish you’d done that a lot sooner.”
“Trust me, so do I.” Looking around the lodge as if he’d only just realized where they were, he took a step away from her. “Can we have some privacy?”
“Anywhere but here.”
“Your place?”
It wasn’t the words. It was the tone.
“Are you propositioning me, Mr. Mottin?”
“Yes.”
“How very direct of you.”
“I’m tired of opacity.”
“See? That’s why you’re so irresistible. Opacity. Most guys around here would think that’s a city where German grandpas live and they’d pronounce it wrong.”
“My vocabulary makes you hot for me?”
“Your everything makes me want you.”
Joy was embedded in his features as he took her hand and led her to the door.
She pulled away before they went outside.
Luke and Harriet, Kell and Rachel, and her mom and dad all lived at the camp, and while she was tired of hiding her…
whatever this was… from them, she definitely didn’t want to advertise that they were about to go back to her cabin and have hot sex.
She had standards.
And she hated having her business turned into a spectacle.
Spring snow had become nothing but crust, ragged, pathetic little piles around the fringe of the courtyard. It was two in the afternoon, and Moore was wearing his business attire. Colleen, on the other hand, was wearing her painting clothes and realized she hadn’t shaved that morning.
Still.
If the guy didn’t mind two weeks ago, he wouldn’t mind now, and the electric charge between the two of them made her think that Moore was more focused on getting in her pants than in braiding her leg hair.
On her days off, she often waited until nighttime to shower, but this morning she’d run errands around town, tagging along with Kell.
Thank you, Shopping Gods.
All of these random worries shot through her while Moore led the way to her cabin, walking in with an ease of ownership that made her shiver.
On her computer screen, Discord was open, and she saw out of the corner of her eye that Jordy had been messaging her.
“Your gaming set-up is better than any teenage boy’s.”
“That’s because I have more money than a teenage boy.”
“I still can’t believe you play League of Legends with Jordy.”
“Moore?”
“Hmm?”
“Are we here to talk about Jordy and League, or us?”
“Neither. I thought we were here to do this.”
Another kiss, this time strong and bold, made her heart soar. What she thought would be a quiet day checking off to-do list items was turning into a heated lovemaking session with the man she’d wanted for so long.
And who wanted her right back.
The first time they’d kissed, she’d overridden so much. Years of wanting, years of yearning, and years of no.
Just… no.
All those nos had piled up over time, forming an impenetrable wall that had finally been breached by Moore. Sure, the car accident had been the accelerant, but he’d lit the match.
And oh, how they’d burned.
This time, their kiss, her cabin, her bedroom–they had more choice. More time. More of everything, and the deliberate way his tongue played against hers made so many questions dissolve.
There was no maybe in his kiss.
She threw herself deeper into it, his hands at her waist, tight and controlled, then unfurling slowly, every inch of skin he touched making her press against him harder.
As his palms traveled up her spine, she marveled at how smooth and warm they were.
Once he reached her shoulders, one hand curling around to cup her loose breast, she moaned into his mouth and knew that while today’s to-do list wasn’t getting done…
She was.
“Every day, I want you,” he rasped, his thumb sliding against her nipple, twirling with a madness that made her inhale sharply, then go wet.
“Every day, you’re in my head, distracting me.
It’s been this way forever, Colleen, but ever since I got a taste of you that night, I can’t stop wanting more. ”
Their next kiss was hard and full, his other hand roaming down to her ass, fingers digging in as he grasped her. All of her was in his embrace, and she wanted all of him in her, to be as close as possible.
“I wasn’t sure,” she began, but he stopped her, fingers moving to her mouth to hush whatever was about to be said.
“Be sure–I am. More sure about you than I’ve ever been about anyone in my life. Do you have any idea how long I’ve craved you? I have said no to myself a thousand times, held back, pulled back, lied to myself to try to stop wanting you.”
Her own years of saying no to herself began to fade away, as if they were listening in awe and finally, finally could stand down.
All she could do was stare.
And pull him close for another kiss.
This time, though, her hands went to his waist, working the belt buckle, unleashing the belt, and moving on to his trouser button. His hands turned hot and fast, too, pulling off her shirt, leaving her nude and chilled before him, greedy eyes taking her in.