Chapter 19 #2
“No. I don’t think so. I didn’t tell him. I doubt Mike did. Besides, if Hardy knew about the list, that horny little firefighter would want to make one for us to do too. So that’s how I know he doesn’t know.” She folds her arms over her chest, proud of herself.
“That’s oddly good logic. Raven would be proud.”
Bella smiles. “Hardy says Mike talks about you and the boys all the time. Like when he’s cooking for the crew, he’ll muse over whether you’d like his dish or not.
They’ll be out on a call, and he’ll see a kid who looks like Micah and talk about how much he likes Pokémon.
Or when someone says a curse word, Hardy will catch Mike looking around like he’s worried Levi will hear it and repeat it.
And Hardy pointed out that Mike curses less, and when asked about it, he just shrugged and said he was trying to cut it out because of the boys.
You don’t do all that for just a hookup. ”
I cover my mouth with my hand, blinking back the tears that want to fall. “He did all that? How come he didn’t say anything?”
“He probably knew you weren’t ready. You’ve been very clear about what you wanted. I think he was afraid to scare you off.”
“I am scared,” I admit. “Scared of how well he fits in with us. He looks and acts like he’s part of our family already. He’s up there tucking them in like a dad would.” I gesture to the stairs.
Bella smiles. “I love this for all of you.”
“Oh God, I’m going to have to tell him.” I look at the stairs to make sure we’re still alone.
“About—”
I nod. Bella is the only one who knows. “I think it’s time. He needs to know now before this gets any more serious.”
“I’ve seen the way he cares about you and the boys. I don’t think he’s going to care.”
“He’s mentioned wanting a family. Lots of kids, a whole clan of them to carry on his family name. It was important to his Ma.”
A tear slips down my cheek, and Bella wipes it before I realize it’s there.
“Then he deserves to know. I still don’t think it’ll change how he feels about you.”
“This is why I wanted to keep it casual. Just sex.”
“I don’t think it was ever just sex for him.”
I can’t stop the train wreck of thoughts from spilling out, and before I know it, I’m confessing everything to Bella.
“Of course I fall for the one man I can’t have.
The one man that wants something I can’t give him.
I don’t think my heart can handle it if he walks away from this.
How did I let it get this far? Why do I have the worst fucking luck in the world? ”
“We make our own luck,” Bella insists.
“You might. I’m over here wishing on rainbows and knocking on all the wood I can find.” Bella starts to open her mouth. “Don’t,” I warn, a small smirk on my face.
Bella holds up her hands, letting my unintentional innuendo slide.
“You of all people know the shit show my life was and how far I’ve come, and that didn’t happen from luck.
I’m not lucky because I have a hot man in my life who loves me and my kid.
I mean, we get lucky.” She laughs to herself.
“But having a supportive partner isn’t what makes me lucky.
We’ve all had bad shit happen to us. But I’ve become an expert at squeezing those lemons. ”
“Is that a sex thing?”
She breaks out into laughter. “What? No! It’s a metaphor. Not everything that comes out of my mouth is balls and dicks. Sometimes it’s wisdom.”
“Fair enough.” I offer her a watery smile.
She tosses her hair over her shoulder. “I’ve learned how to squeeze the lemons life has thrown at me. And it took a lot of practice, but I’ve finally made some damn good lemonade. Are you catching what I’m throwing down?”
“We make our own luck. And lemonade.”
“Exactly. Now that you know what you want, go after it. Don’t let little obstacles get in your way.”
“It’s not exactly a little obstacle,” I say, gently reminding her.
“True. I didn’t mean to imply that. But I honestly think it won’t be as big a deal as you’re making it in your head. Not that your feelings aren’t valid, because they are. Jesus, Bella, just stop while you’re ahead.” She smacks her forehead, shaking her head.
“I know what you mean, and I know your heart. You never have to explain your ramblings to me, friend.”
She smiles back at me, and my brain slowly starts to quiet, my nerves easing slightly.
I chew on my lip, trying to dispel the rest of the chaos of my anxious thoughts.
“The last time I let someone in, he didn’t want kids, and I did.
And thanks to my shitty luck, now I don’t want more kids, and Mike does, and my heart’s involved.
I’ve never felt this way before. And the fact that I’m scared of what he might say, how he will react, and terrified that he could walk away, it’s too much. I don’t know how to process it.”
“I know I don’t have all the answers, and I know you may not believe me, but I truly think you’re it for him.
There’s something whispering in my ear, like a little leprechaun, telling me you should chase your rainbow to find your happy ending.
” Her face lights up like she’s just had a revelation.
“Two little leprechauns I don’t think he’d ever walk away from.
And I’m pretty sure he’s fond of your pot of gold.
” She winks at me like she’s proud of her terrible joke.
“That was bad. Like really bad.” I try my best to say that with a straight face, but when Bella sticks her tongue out at me, I snicker.
“I think those boys are your lucky charms. And you made them, so technically you did make your own luck.”
“I am pretty lucky to be their mom, even if they do drive me batshit crazy sometimes.”
“Amen to that. Now go tell your hot firefighter how you feel.”