Chapter 22
LUCKY
When I call Bella, she answers after one ring. “He’s on his way.”
“Lucy? Are you okay? Who’s on his way? What’s wrong?”
“Mike.”
“Oh?”
I pull the phone back from my face as if we were on a FaceTime call and I could see her. Did he lie to me just to get out of here? Surely, he didn’t.
“Lucy?”
“I’m here.”
“You said Mike’s coming here?”
“He said something about a crash and a fire?” I say weakly. “He got called in. Hardy was looking for him.”
“Oh! I’m sorry, I was confused. Hardy’s at the station. He texted me to see if I thought Mike was with you, but he didn’t say why he was looking for him.”
“So there was a crash?”
“Probably. What’s going on? Are you spiraling?”
I clutch the phone, feeling like my chest is getting tighter as spots dot my vision.
“Lucy?”
“Yeah?” My voice is shaky, on the verge of breaking.
“Shit. I’ll be there in five.”
I manage to pull on some leggings and the undershirt Mike accidentally left behind. It’s not as baggy on me as I’d like, but it smells like him, and I sit on the couch holding the neckline over my nose as I take deep breaths to calm myself.
I hardly notice when Bella slips in quietly and sits on the couch next to me, placing a hand on my shoulder.
I practically leap into her arms, pulling her into a hug. She stiffens briefly, probably not expecting my reaction, before she wraps her arms around me making “shhh” sounds as she rubs circles up and down my back.
“Is this the first time he’s been called in since you’ve been dating?”
I nod against her shoulder.
“It’s going to be okay.”
“But what if it’s not?”
“Then we make lemonade until it is.”
I pull back and search her face.
“Want me to make you a dick cookie that looks like a glass of lemonade with two lemons for the nuts? Because I think I could do it. The glass may not hide the shape of the tip very well, unless I used an ice cube or added a straw…” She rambles on as if she’s having a creative breakthrough, and my nerves slowly ease as her ridiculousness calms me down.
“I know it may seem like I’m not taking this seriously, but you calmed down a little, didn’t you? ”
A shaky breath escapes me as I nod.
“Good. Now what’s really bothering you. Tell me everything, all your scary thoughts. Get them out now so we can deal with them and move on.”
“I told him I love him, and he said it too and then we made love, and I was so close to telling him the truth. I mean, I was scared, but it felt like the right time. And then he got a call about a wreck and a fire, and right as he was headed out the door I blurted out that I can’t have any more kids. ”
“Then what happened?”
“Then his phone rang, and he said he was sorry, and he left. The last words I heard him say on his way out were ‘Feckin’ hell,’ and I’m not sure if that was because of what I said or if he was on the phone. And now I’m overthinking everything.”
“Either way, he’s allowed to have feelings about what you said. It doesn’t mean he won’t be okay with it.”
“But what if he walks away? What if he wants kids and a big family more than he wants me? What if we’re not enough for him? What if I’m not enough for him?”
“You’re enough.” She pulls on my shoulder, forcing me to make eye contact with her. “You are enough. And he loves you and your boys. I don’t see him walking away from any of you.”
“How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
I scrub a hand down my face. “Put yourself out there. Trust someone with your heart?”
“You build trust. It’s in the little things they do, the consistencies, the way they show up and walk the walk.
If he treats you anything like he has the firehouse crew, then I think I already know the answer to that one.
I’ve never met a more consistent person.
Every time I go up to visit Hardy, Mike is there, offering me a bite of his latest creation. ”
“He does that for us too.”
“That’s good. So what makes you think something changed? Is it because you finally admitted your big feelings out loud and you’re feeling vulnerable?”
“Yeah. I think so,” I say, feeling some of the tension leave my body. Bella’s always been able to read my thoughts without me having to voice them.
“What is this really about?”
“I feel like I finally found someone, and now I’m terrified that I’m going to lose him, either physically to an accident at his job, or emotionally because I can’t give him the kids he wants. Carrying on his family name is important to him. What if I can’t give him that?”
“That’s a lot to unpack. Let’s start with the job part.”
“Okay.” I swallow, trying to calm my nerves.
“Mike is by the book. In all my experiences with him, he’s never made a rash decision, never let his emotions get the better of him. He’ll look at a situation from all angles before deciding how to approach it. It’s what keeps him safe, it’s what keeps all the guys safe.”
“You’re right. I know you’re right.”
“Still doesn’t make it easier thinking about our guys out there, running toward the danger that most people run from, while we sit here safe in our homes.” She places a hand on my thigh and squeezes.
“No, it doesn’t. And I think deep down, the rational part of me knows that he’s okay.”
“That’s why I have hobbies. Why do you think I’ve started baking so much?
I need something for myself, a routine I could create that would help me focus on something else when things get scary.
Something I could control when my world starts to feel out of control.
And I have you and the girls to keep me company too.
You can always call any one of us, and we’ll be there to talk to you about your intrusive thoughts. ”
I pull her into a hug, whispering against her shoulder, “But what if he wants more than I can give him? I don’t think penis-shaped cookies will distract me from that one.”
She laughs as she pulls back to look at me. “Look at you making dick jokes. Maybe I am rubbing off on you.”
“Don’t say it.”
“That’s what she said.” We speak at the same time, and the laughter that erupts from us eases the ache in my chest.
“So, we addressed the job part, now let’s talk about why I think you’re really spiraling. I know you said Mike wants a big family and that carrying on his family name is important to him, but there are ways he could do that.”
“I don’t have the ability to produce more offspring.”
“He could adopt the boys.”
“I hadn’t thought about that.” I blink at her as I think over her suggestion. “But it wouldn’t solve the problem of him wanting more kids.”
“You guys could always adopt more if you were open to it.”
“But technically none of them would be his. It wouldn’t be carrying on the bloodline, just the family name. What if that’s not enough for him?”
Bella purses her lips as she searches my face. “You won’t know until you talk to him. Maybe it’s good that he had to leave when he did. It’ll give him time to think through how he feels about your news and process it before he sees you again.”
“Maybe.”
She squeezes my thigh, redirecting my attention. “He loves you. And I’ve seen him demonstrate that in just the few times I’ve been around you two together. I’ve never seen a more considerate person than Mike. Hell, the man shoved a cock cookie in his mouth to protect your kid’s innocence.”
“He did.”
“Just give him some time to process this.”
I nod, feeling slightly reassured, but still worried about what this means for our future together.