Chapter 21 #2
“I thought that perhaps you meant to protect me.” She hesitated. “I didn’t want to believe what you said to Lord Huntly. Tell me that wasn’t you in that room, Alex. Tell me I couldn’t be so wrong.”
His face remained impassive. She wanted to shake him. How could he just stand there and deny everything between them?
“Please, Alex.” She clutched his arm. “I have to know.”
“Does it really matter?” he asked, a hollow edge to his voice.
“How can you ask that? It means everything. I gave you everything.” She took a deep breath. “I never told you that I was engaged once before.”
She’d surprised him.
“I was sixteen and a fool. I came upon him making love to a serving girl in the stable, bragging about how he would be chief one day.”
He swore. “Oh, Meg—”
She held up her hand and shook her head. “Don’t. Don’t feel sorry for me. It was a lesson I thought I’d learned. I trusted you with the future of my clan. I saw something different in you, Alex.”
Alex turned away from her, staring out into the darkness. She’d just about given up hope when he spoke.
“I saw you outside the door.”
“Then you knew I was listening.” Her heart soared with the implications.
“I knew. I wanted to drive you to Jamie. I thought it was for the best.”
“But why? I would have waited for you.”
“Would you?” He laughed harshly. “You have a duty to your clan, you must marry. I doubt your father would find an outlawed son-in-law the proper choice. Just tell me one thing. Is there a child?”
“Would it make a difference?” she asked softly.
His jaw clenched. “Meg …”
She wanted to lie. “No. There is no child.”
He let out his breath. She couldn’t tell whether he was relieved or disappointed.
“Then nothing has changed. I am not the man for your clan, and you still do not belong here.”
Meg didn’t care. All that mattered was that she had not been wrong about him.
But when she thought about the pain he’d put her through, she wanted to scream.
Instead, she peppered him with furious accusations.
“How could you have let me believe that? Why didn’t you confide in me and give me the choice?
Why didn’t you tell me you were going to fight on Lewis? ”
“The fewer people who knew, the better.”
“That’s what my father said,” Meg replied bitterly.
“He was right. A connection with me would be dangerous for you. My enemies could use you to get to me. I also couldn’t take the chance that you would allow something to slip—especially because of your friendship with the Campbells.
And from some of our conversations, I wasn’t sure you would agree with what I was doing. ”
“How could you say that?” Meg asked, horrified. “I’m a Highlander. Just because I recognize the difficult issues facing the Highlands doesn’t mean I agree with the king’s policies. I would never betray you or do anything to put my clan in danger.”
“Does leading one of the king’s men right into our camp not constitute putting us in danger? The fact that you brought Campbell with you proves I was right to be cautious.”
Her cheeks burned with indignation. “Jamie risked much by helping you. You should be thanking him. I hardly think he’d turn around and betray you.”
“Are you so sure of that?”
“He’s the one who informed me of the plot on your life.”
“And you believed him without question? Can you be sure that it was not a trick? His cousin Argyll is ever the opportunist. The Campbells would benefit greatly if Jamie could lead the king to us.”
Meg felt horrible. How could he think that? Yet part of her knew he was right. The ramifications of her actions rained down on her. She’d never truly considered the possibility that Jamie would take advantage of their friendship.
She knew Alex was wrong in his suspicions but right in criticizing her for acting without thinking. “It’s true that Jamie is loyal to his cousin, but he is also a Highlander. And he was once your friend. I am not like you, Alex. I do not see treachery in every shadow.”
“It’s my duty. Men’s lives are at stake by my ability to see what lurks in the shadows.”
Meg flushed. She knew he was thinking about his cousins.
She hadn’t meant it like that at all. Her stomach twisted.
By coming here like this, she had thought to control the situation.
She’d kept the information to herself, had not told her father of the situation.
And now look what she had done. She’d possibly compromised his position on Lewis. How had it gone so wrong?
“I only wanted to help,” she said softly.
Alex raked his fingers through his hair. Damn. He heard the shaking in her voice and knew she was perilously close to tears. He hadn’t meant to be so harsh. The entire situation had him twisted in knots. He knew she’d thought only to warn him.
He did appreciate it, but he felt stripped of all his defenses when she was near.
“You’re right. I owe you my thanks. If what Jamie said is indeed true, we would have been greatly outmanned and quite probably trapped.
” He took her quivering chin in his fingers as she blinked away the tears that had been threatening to fall.
“But that doesn’t mean I think you should have taken such a great risk in coming here.
Nor does it mean I trust Jamie. One day soon, he will have to choose a side. ”
She gazed up at him, her eyes wide and glassy. She looked tired and pale, but still achingly beautiful. And so damn alluring. The memory of their kiss surged through him, but he shook it off.
“You’ll leave at sunset with your father’s men. And not return. No matter what, Meg. Do you understand?”
She nodded. “And Jamie?”
“He’ll leave with you, under guard until he is returned to your father. I’ll write a missive to your father asking him to hold Jamie at Dunakin for a few days. It should all be over by then.”
“And then what?” she asked, her eyes still focused on the ground.
He nearly smiled at the ability she had to cut to the quick. A myriad of questions wrapped up succinctly in one small, innocuous package.
“I don’t know.”
So much between them left unsaid. But he was glad she knew the truth.
It made everything more complicated, but perhaps it was already.
He couldn’t prevent her heartbreak whether he’d driven her to another man or he never returned from Lewis.
At least this way she would not doubt herself.
Unknowingly, his poisoned arrow had struck too well.
He wished he could take back everything he’d said to Lord Huntly.
He’d meant to strike at her duty, not at an old wound.
He watched as she straightened her shoulders and lifted her chin, meeting his gaze. The soft glow of the moon cast deep shadows off the curve of her cheek. He knew what she was going to say and wanted to stop her. He opened his mouth, but it was too late.
“I love you, you know,” she said softly.
There it was. Words that would be better left unsaid.
His heart clenched. He couldn’t breathe.
A thousand thoughts rushed through his head, thoughts of a future, thoughts of a family, dreams of happiness.
There were no more lies left between them to camouflage the truth.
With the secrets stripped away, the truth and all of its consequences lay bare before them.
She loved him. But he wasn’t ready to hear those words, not while he still had a job to do.
Not until he’d laid the ghosts of his past to rest.
Overcome with emotion, he could manage only one word in response: “Don’t.” He pressed his fingers against her trembling mouth.
Her face crumpled.
He had to make her understand. “Not yet.” He clasped her hands and pulled her up so that she stood before him. So lovely, so infinitely precious. Tenderly, he stroked the side of her face. “You deserve more than I can offer right now.” His voice was laden with regret.
“How can you say that? I know you care for me. You cannot convince me that you don’t.”
He smiled crookedly, shaking his head at her unwavering determination. “I won’t try. But right now, Meg, it’s not enough. Your coming to Lewis only makes me realize how important it is that I finish what I’ve begun here.”
“Even though you might die? If not at the hands of the Adventurers, then by Dougal?”
“Yes. If need be.”
“But—”
“I promise I’ll not go willingly. But”—he paused—“that is all I can promise right now.”
“But why!” she cried, railing more at the injustice of the world than at him, he suspected. Her eyes sparkled with anger. “Why sacrifice your future for your past? You have nothing to prove to me or anyone else.” She wanted to understand. “Tell me what happened to your cousins.”
“There’s not much to tell. You know most of it.”
“But I want to hear it from you.”
He felt the familiar resistance that occurred whenever this subject was mentioned. “Why?”
“I want to understand.”
“Very well.” He averted his gaze. “I was in charge. We had the advantage of surprise. I lost it.”
“And your cousins?”
“They didn’t have to die. I refused to surrender. My damned youthful pride cost them their lives.” His voice grew tight. “I see that moment in my head over and over. If I could go back and decide differently …”
“Did you know what Dougal had planned?”
“No,” he shot back. “Of course not.”
“Then how can you blame yourself? You made the best decision you could under the circumstances. I know I was wrong to come here. Jamie warned me that you would not appreciate my interference. But it’s not because I don’t believe in you, Alex.
There was no one else I could trust with such an important message. ”
“You were wrong to come, Meg. I know you only thought to help, but it’s too dangerous for you here. It’s too dangerous for me with you here.”
He couldn’t concentrate on anything with her so close. He was filled with such longing, to take her in his arms and cherish her love, cherish her body. Not focusing on the task at hand could be a deadly mistake. Her very presence on Lewis crippled him, putting him at grave risk.
The starlight seemed to catch the soft highlights in her hair.
Unconsciously, he slid his hand over the smooth waves, weaving through their depths.
Her very softness unleashed his desire. His body burned.
He wanted to bury his face in her hair, rip off her clothes, and taste every inch of that soft skin.
He wanted to make her tremble and come apart in his arms. If she didn’t leave soon, he might forget the danger and give in to temptation.
His voice turned hoarse with longing. “I can’t think when you are near. ”
“Then don’t,” she whispered in the soft, seductive voice of an enchantress.
Her body sought his, her softness melting into his heat, teasing him with pleasure so acute that he began to shake. Despite the cool evening, sweat gathered on his brow. Blood coursed through his veins, and his erection throbbed unmercifully. Salvation waited only a hair-breadth away.
He stepped back, snapping the invisible pull. “I must. People are depending on me, Meg. Would you truly have me leave? Walk away from my kin when they are depending on me? What kind of leader would I make for your clan?”
She looked at him blankly, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the truth.
He sank the knife of truth deeper. “Could you walk away from your clan, from your responsibilities? Would you have me do what you would not?” She looked as though she wanted to argue; the stubborn lass did not easily concede defeat.
“This is what I do, Meg. I fight. What the king is doing on Lewis is wrong, and I cannot stand by and watch my kin be murdered without doing something.” The call was just as much a part of him as Meg.
He could not deny either. “I must do my duty to my clan, just as you must do yours,” he said.
Her face collapsed when she understood his meaning. “But I can’t marry Jamie.” Tears glistened in her eyes.
And Alex was relieved that she would not. He still couldn’t believe she’d refused Campbell. Shocked, but enormously pleased.
“Of course you can’t,” he said gently. “Not right now.” His fingers traced the contours of her mouth. “But you will marry if you must.”
If I die. The words were left unspoken, but he knew she understood.
“Get some rest, there aren’t many hours left before dawn.” He whistled, and immediately a few of his men materialized out of the shadows. He urged her to go, watching as she faded into the darkness. Darkness that matched the deep abyss of regret in his chest.