Matteo
Lindsay and I settle into a quiet rhythm soon enough.
She eats her spring rolls in silence. While I watch a soccer game. Arsenal’s playing and I’m almost entirely invested in the game, while also waiting on the infuriating blonde on the armchair that couldn’t be farther away from me.
I can feel her watching me but I don’t look at her, keeping my gaze fixed on the screen. I’m a very patient man and I know she’ll talk when she’s ready. Right now she’s nibbling on her food and doing what she does best. Being stubborn.
Meanwhile I’m sitting here wondering why the hell I came in the first place. But I’ve been wrestling with myself the past few days and eventually couldn’t take it anymore.
I had to make sure she was okay.
My eyes narrow when the opposing team, Manchester United, manages to get a goal past the defense. Tension curls beneath my spine as the ball flies, the goalkeeper tries but he’s unable to stop it as it hits the back of the net.
Frustration wells within me. That’s two-nil and we’re already seventy minutes in.
“I never pegged you for a sports guy. Especially not soccer,” Lindsay drawls suddenly.
“You don’t know much about me, princess,” I reply without looking at her, my gaze still fixed on the flat-screen TV mounted on the wall.
She makes a small discontent sound. After a couple more minutes, I switch off the TV.
“So, a sports guy, huh?” Lindsay questions curiously.
I shrug. “It was a way to bond with my father when he was alive, and then with my brother Raffaele. He’s super into sports, among other things.”
“What other things?”
Things that will give you even more nightmares than the ones already plaguing you, beautiful.
“You don’t want to know,” I say, brushing it off and turning to face her. “Since you’re finally talking, I’m guessing you’re ready to speak to me?”
I’m glad to see that there’s some color in her cheeks again.
When I arrived earlier, she was pale, and her eyes were red-rimmed with tears.
Now she looks alive. Her blonde hair flows around her face, framing it.
She’s wearing a sweatshirt and brown shorts.
They’re tiny, and I’m trying my hardest to ignore how they keep riding up, showcasing the smooth, creamy skin of her thighs.
The air in the room is heavy with the knowledge of what happened the last time we were both in here together. But we’re both currently doing a good job of ignoring the tension.
She groans softly, “Talk about what?”
“Anything. I could offer some suggestions. There’s the abduction.
Or we could talk about the time you and I had sex.
” Her frown deepens with each word I say and I can see her eyes growing harder.
“Or we could discuss the fact that you’ve been hiding in here since…
the incident. There are a number of things to talk about, princess. Pick one.”
When it becomes clear she’s not going to go for any of the above. I lean forward, switching tactics.
“Alright, let’s talk about Valentina.”
That gains her attention.
“What about her?”
“I just want to know what happened earlier today. She arrived home very upset and then asked her husband to station two men outside your hotel. Because she thinks you’re mixed up in something bad and is worried about you,” I inform her.
“Her request almost put me in awkward position because I already had two men watching the hotel. And my brother would have had several questions if he found out about that.”
“You’re all incredibly nosy,” Lindsay mutters.
“We just want you to be safe,” I say softly.
She lets out a soft sigh. “Val and I have been friends since high school. She moved here in our sophomore year. She was so scrawny back then,” she says, smiling, and it’s impossible to miss the light in her eyes as she thinks about her friend.
“She didn’t talk much and was new, which made her a prime target for bullies.
I protected her back then. And I’ve always tried to do that as we’ve grown up. Valentina’s practically my sister.”
“Then why are you pushing her away?”
“Because…” She pauses, her expression tightening. “I feel like I failed her. I couldn’t protect her from your world. But then again, I can barely even protect myself. I just feel like a fraud right now.”
I stay quiet, letting her sort through the thoughts in her head. She finally looks up at me, blue eyes so deep and so clear. Her eyes were created to unmake men. She has no idea how much power she holds with one look.
“Do you want to know the worst part, Matteo? When you showed up at the cabin, I felt so much relief,” she admits, shame rippling across her face. “And even after you killed those men, I still felt relief that they were gone.”
“They would have killed you. The world is a better place with them gone,” I say.
“And wouldn’t the world be a better place with you gone as well?”
“Probably,” I admit. “But you don’t want me gone.”
“No. I want you, though,” she whispers. “Because for some reason, when I kissed you, the world stopped.”
My throat tightens as I take in those words. I don’t say anything and she doesn’t seem to need me to. Her eyes narrow in the next breath.
“Rest assured, I’m not in love with you or anything,” she clarifies.
I roll my eyes. “Of course not.”
“You’re just very attractive. And I am very physically attracted to you. That’s all this is,” she explains.
I nod slowly, agreeing silently. I want to throw her onto a bed and fuck her hard until she forgets about all her pain and doubt. But it would be just sex.
The ache in my heart doesn’t matter. The way I feel when I simply look at her doesn’t matter. She’s a beautiful woman. The type of woman you want to have, to own and possess. But she’s not mine. And I don’t think she would ever let herself be that.
“You can go now,” she finally says, “I’m grateful. That you came here and that you tried to help. I feel better. And I’ll stop hiding. I’ll go back to work tomorrow. I don’t have much of a choice considering there’s a deposition I’m in charge of. But honestly, I’m fine now.”
I hesitate. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” she states, getting to her feet. “Thank you for the spring rolls. And thanks for talking to me. And thanks for not being an asshole.”
“I’m never an asshole,” I mutter.
She smiles at that. I stand as well, taking in my surroundings for a second. Then I take in the woman who glows enough that everything else fades into the background.
“Get some sleep, Lindsay,” I tell her.
“I’ll try,” she says gently. I notice her mind drifting somewhere else. Her eyes grow unfocused. “You know, I see them when I close my eyes. Their dead bodies on the floor.”
My jaw clenches.
“Do you want me to stay with you? I’m not suggesting anything nefarious. I could stay and help. Maybe keep the visions of them at bay.”
She crosses her arms over her chest. “You’re the reason they’re here, Matteo.”
We both fall silent for a beat. The reason why this is such a big conundrum is that I get the sense that she wants me to apologize for what I did. To display some regret. But that’s not who I am. And I refuse to cower or shy away from that. I’m not capable of it.
“I know. They’re my responsibility.”
“No, they’re mine,” she retorts. “And no, I don’t want you to stay here with me. Sometimes you’re worse than the nightmares, Matteo.”
My air in the room grows colder at that statement. I don’t say a word in reply because really what can I say? I already knew she would turn down my offer. Plus, I have to tuck Leo in for bed. I promised I would that do earlier today and I’m not fond of breaking promises to my son.
“Alright then. I’ll leave.”
We’re stuck right where we always end up. On a precipice where everything dangles in obscurity. Neither of us willing to take the plunge.
I start walking toward the door.
“Matteo….” Lindsay calls.
Something in her voice has me coming to a complete stop.
Because I already know what she needs. I feel it innately within me.
I count a beat, then two, before whirling around and walking up to her.
When I place a hand under her chin to tilt her head up, she doesn’t stop me.
She shuts her eyes against the inevitability of it. Waiting.
My lips land on hers. She gasps at the intrusion. Then she’s kissing me back with tentative strokes while I struggle with the need to devour her whole. I cup her cheek, pulling her closer as the kiss grows more heated, frenzied.
She whimpers against my mouth, her body growing pliant in my hold. I can hear a ringing in my ears, my heart pounding. There’s a sort of desperation to the kiss. Lindsay holds on to the front of my shirt, gripping it like she’ll never let go.
I kiss her like I’ll never stop and it could have gone on forever. But we both know it has to end. When I pull away, her lips are red and swollen. We’re both gasping for air. She stares at me with disbelieving wide eyes, and I completely understand the sentiment.
My cock is so hard, I can feel it pulsating to the rhythm of my uneven breaths.
I exhale a shaky breath before saying, “That was to make the world stop for a little while longer.”
She doesn’t reply, blue eyes staring into mine. It takes a great deal of effort for me to turn around and walk away. But I do. I leave and try pretend that even that didn’t matter.
The problem is, I’ve never been too good at playing pretend.
When I get home, my son is already changed and ready for bed. He’s flying a toy airplane around his room. I stand at the doorway, staring at him for a minute. He’s filled with so much joy and light.
I try to imagine my brothers and me like this. Sometimes it feels impossible that we were ever innocent kids, running around and playing. We grew up and became dangerous men.
The kind of men people refer to as monsters.
I wonder how my mother would feel about that. I wonder if my son will grow up to be like me, too. If he did, a part of me would be glad, because it means he’s strong enough to protect himself and the people he cares about.
Another part of me would be worried about his soul. Because once you choose my life, there’s a part of it you just never get back. And you have to be okay with that.
Leo is perfect as he is. I would hate for him to lose any part of himself.
“Hey, Dad.” Leo finally notices me, setting down the toy. “You’re late. I should have been in bed five minutes ago.”
“Sorry, champ. I got held up,” I say, walking into the room and reaching down to rub his cheek. “Had dinner?”
He nods, smiling. “Spaghetti and meatballs.”
“Brushed your teeth?”
“Yeah, and I even took a shower.”
“I’m proud of you, little man,” I tell him. “Now come on, let’s get you into bed. Would you like me to read anything?”
He shakes his head and then lets out a small, adorable yawn.
“I’m tired, Daddy. I’ll fall asleep quickly.”
My lips curl up in a smile, “Alright.”
I help him into his bed and place the covers above him, making sure they’re right beneath his chin.
“Where were you?” he asks, his voice small.
“With a princess.”
His eyes grow wide. “Does she live in a castle?”
“Actually, this princess lives in a penthouse. And she’s blonde and feisty but very beautiful. I think you’d like her.”
“Yeah, me too.”
He yawns again and I ruffle his hair gently.
“Close your eyes, Leo. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Love you, Dad,” he mutters, his eyes fluttering shut.
“Love you too,” I say softly.