36. Serafina
CHAPTER 36
Serafina
A nother night without Lucas. Another nightmare.
I bolt upright, heart pounding, chest heaving. The vivid images from my dream still flash before my eyes - Lucas and I, together and happy, until I look down to see my family dead at our feet. Mamma, Papà, my brothers, all of them - gone. Killed because of my selfishness, because I couldn't do what was expected of me; marry an enemy to unite our families. Couldn't be the dutiful daughter. Hot tears stream down my face as a choked sob escapes my throat.
The door creaks open, and Paz slips into the dark room, her brows furrowed with worry. "Ay, mi ni?a," she murmurs, perching on the edge of my bed. "Another dream about Lucas?"
I nod, swiping at my wet cheeks with trembling fingers. The ache in my chest feels like it might swallow me whole. "Si. It was so real, Paz. Loro erano tutti morti - my family, dead because of me. Because I chose him."
"Shh, no, ángel. You can't think like that." She smooths the damp hair back from my clammy forehead as she calls me her angel. "This isn't your fault. Those Fabietti bastardos, they're the ones to blame. Not you."
But the guilt gnaws at me, an insidious voice whispering that I'm the reason my loved ones are in danger. Selfish, it hisses. How could I have abandoned them? Left Mamma and Papà to face the Fabiettis' wrath alone? Some daughter I am. The tears come harder, wracking my body with shudders.
Paz pulls me into her arms, holding me tight as I cry into her shoulder. "Respira, ni?a. Just breathe. It was only a dream. Your family is safe."
I want so badly to believe her, but the fear won't loosen its grip on my heart. Please, God, let them be alright. Don't make them pay for my mistakes. I can’t handle losing them, not after everything.
"I can't stop thinking about my family, Paz," I whisper, voice cracking with emotion. "Mamma, Papà, my brothers... They must be so worried. So angry with me for disappearing like this."
Hot tears sting my eyes as guilt twists like a knife in my gut. I abandoned them, left them vulnerable to whatever retribution the Fabiettis might seek for my disobedience. The weight of that choice, made in a moment of desperation and fear, presses down on me until I feel like I can't breathe.
"What if Luciano takes it out on them? What if he hurts them to punish me?" The thoughts spill out in a panicked rush, my imagination conjuring increasingly horrible scenarios. "And all for someone who didn’t think twice when he left me to rot here."
"Hey, escúchame." Paz cups my face, forcing me to meet her steady gaze as she commands me to listen to her. "Your family is smart, resourceful. They know how to handle themselves in this world. And from what you've told me, Lucas won't let anything happen to them either. He's probably busy keeping them safe until this all blows over. Maybe that’s why he’s not here."
I nod, wanting so badly to believe her. Needing to cling to that shred of hope.
But as I lay in Paz's arms, the words of Dominic ring loud in my head. He had warned me not to trust Lucas, that he wasn't who he claimed to be. But I was blinded by love and desperate for an escape from the Fabiettis' hold on me.
But now, as I lay here crying and worried for my family's safety, I can't help but wonder if Dominic was right. What if Lucas is just another enemy, someone I should've never given my heart to?
"Paz," I whisper through my tears. "What if Lucas is using me?"
Paz pulls back to look at me with a concerned expression. "Ni?a, you can't think like that."
But her words do little to ease my fears. In fact, they only grow stronger and louder in my mind as I replay every word and action from Lucas over the past few months, searching for any signs that I had chosen to ignore in pursuit of this forbidden love.
"He started keeping secrets after his first kill," I continue, the doubt consuming me. "And he has connections with dangerous cartels...what if he’s working with them to take my family down?"
Paz brushes a tear from my cheek and sighs heavily. "I don't know what to say, mi ni?a. But you must have faith in your heart." She's trying to console me, but I catch a hint of concern in her gaze when I mention the cartel involvement. She knows more than she's letting on.
"I just hate this," I choke out. "The not knowing, the constant fear. Hiding away while everyone I love is out there dealing with the fallout of my choices."
"Mi ni?a." Paz pulls me into a tight hug and I sag against her, surrendering to the tears. "I know it's hard. But you're safe here. And that's what matters most right now. Once Lucas gets things sorted, you can reach out to your family. But until then, the best thing you can do is lay low and trust that Lucas will fulfill his promises to you."
I sniffle and pull back, swiping at my damp cheeks. She's right. I have to be patient, have faith that Lucas will come through. That we'll find a way back to each other and put this nightmare behind us.
But goddamn, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Harder than walking away from the only life I've ever known. Harder than defying my father's wishes and the expectations of my family.
But in the back of my mind, I keep wondering if I truly know him. If I was a pawn in another enemy’s game once again.
The possibility makes my blood boil, anger momentarily eclipsing the fear. Not just anger at him for deceiving me, but at myself for falling for it. I push back from Paz's embrace, swiping at my tears. "I need to talk to him. To Lucas or Alex. I have to know what's going on."
Paz sighs, her dark eyes full of sympathy. "Sabes que no puedo - you know I can't, Serafina. It's too risky. They'll send word when it's safe."
"And when will that be, exactly?" I demand. "How much longer am I supposed to just sit here not knowing?" In my impulsive desperation to cut ties that night, I burned the only secure line of communication that we had.
I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and start pacing around the small room, restless energy needing an outlet. But there's nowhere to go, nowhere to channel this building pressure. I feel like I might combust from the not knowing, the worrying. Being cooped up in this little house day after day is making me crazy. If I don't get some answers soon...
"Ten paciencia, Serafina." Paz stands and rests her hands on my shoulders, stilling my agitated movements. "I know it's hard, but you must have patience, trust that Lucas is working on a solution. He won't let any harm come to your family. Or to you."
I deflate, anger seeping out and leaving me drained. She's right, I know she is. But the waiting, the silence - it's torture. I just want to hear his voice, know that he's still with me in this.