Chapter 17
When I awaken, I feel pretty pathetic for how sorry I’d felt for myself the night before.
If I want to repair my relationship with my sisters, I need to stop being so passive.
I need to figure out where I really stand with them, and stop making assumptions.
I know, more than anyone, that people perceive us as feeling and thinking one way, when it’s often the total opposite of what they decided.
And honestly, I have Adam to thank for this development. Him defending me at the summer festival…it made me realize that I deserve to do that for myself.
I don’t have to go into work until the late afternoon.
So, after dropping off the flan in William’s arms, as I promised to Nadia I would, I go into my room and pull out a glass beeswax candle.
I wrap a piece of string around it, imagining it as the string that connects me to my sisters.
I want to strengthen this string. I want to cancel the spell I had performed before, that made them each think the other was taking care of me so they didn’t have to.
I light the candle and ask the old gods to do all of this with their far-reaching, cosmic, old-god magic. I light the candle and watch it sway with my breath, back and forth, imagining the intention reaching my sisters in curls of flame-like golden tendrils.
Last year I told Teal that I had found a book of old family spells at my work.
We used one of the spells to find our mother, who was in town to arrogantly use a part of Teal’s gift she had stolen to make art and profit from this theft.
The problem was, our mother’s gift is staying unseen.
She can disappear right in front of your eyes.
I watched her try to do it. It’s as though she can open up a new universe to slip into, and if she doesn’t want to see you again, you’ll never see her again. End of story.
But I came out of my deep sleep in the woods with a kind of knowing about how magic works, some of the time. And I know that we can create spells with the old gods and they would be just as effective as something ancient from some unearthed book.
Teal would’ve never believed in a spell we just made up. But when I said it was from this powerful old book? She created a line of supernatural light. We followed this line to our mother. And Teal got her stolen magic back.
Maybe I should feel bad for lying to my sisters, but I don’t. Teal is more whole, and healed, for it. Sage got to confront our mother and hopefully find some kind of closure, which she desperately needed.
But because of that whole event, because of the knowledge I had been given by possibly the old gods themselves, I know that the most powerful magic is one that I—or anyone—can imagine into being.
Old books are awesome, but it is the intent of the practitioner that provides the energy behind a spell—like plugging into a primal source of world-making electricity.
Which means old books are never necessary, except for sometimes making us a little more confident in our own abilities.
My phone pings when the candle is three-quarters of the way burnt. It’s Sage. Hey, how have you been? I feel like we haven’t spoken in forever.
Just as the flame burns out, leaving nothing but a trail of spiraling smoke, a text comes through from Teal. What’s up? Carter says he saw you at the festival last night with Adam?
I open our group text and address them both at once. Not to be dramatic or anything, but my entire life feels like it’s falling apart, and I need my sisters. Please come to Nadia’s for lunch. I made enchiladas we can heat up. Plus there’s plenty of coconut flan.
I wince when they respond back, mostly expecting them to blow me off once again. But instead, what happens is this:
Sage: I’m on my way.
Teal: Me too.
I immediately make my way to the kitchen to thank the old gods Nadia’s way. With a fresh cup of espresso, poured directly into the earth, the caffeine making its way to their old-god cups just like veins and fountains.
It’s Teal who arrives first. She’s got on a spandex black tank top and some loose joggers and Nike shoes, like she’s either just completed a run or is planning on one right after this.
When she walks into the kitchen, I point to the white pan on the stove.
“Everything is hot. I’m just getting out the top—” But before I can finish, she has run up to me and has wrapped her arms around me.
“What’s happening?” I cry out, trying to hold back the tears stinging my eyes. “It’s just enchiladas.”
“You’re bananas if you think I’m here for enchiladas.” When she pulls back, her own eyes are glazed over as well. “Well, just for them, anyhow.”
Then Sage is pushing through the door, the baby carrier in her hands.
“Oh! You brought Oak!” I reach for him but pull back when I remember what happened the last time I wanted to hold him. “Sorry. I forgot.”
And Sage instantly bursts into tears. “Oh God. I’m the worst sister in the whole world.”
“Will everyone stop crying?” Teal says through her own tears.
“I’m so sorry, Sky.” Sage places the carrier on the floor by the pantry and throws her arms around me. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t myself. I really wasn’t. Tenn made me go to the doctor.” She pulls back, wiping her face. “It’s postpartum depression.”
“Oh…” I nod, thinking about how weird she’s been. “That actually makes sense.”
“Postpartum depression? Are you on an SSRI now?” Teal asks. Maybe I shouldn’t be, but I’m a little bit relieved that she doesn’t know, either. That this, too, wasn’t a secret they both decided I was too na?ve to know.
Sage nods. “Yeah. The doctor doesn’t think I’ll need to be on it long.
” She swallows. “I think it’s already helping, to be honest. Even though she said it could take a while for me to notice an improvement.
” She turns to me. “I unloaded on you the worst, Sky. I’m sorry.
I know you don’t have bird flu or whatever.
I just got so damn paranoid because of the depression, you know?
I wouldn’t even let Tenn hold him…I didn’t realize it until Tenn sat me down and told me I was wrecking myself by pushing everyone I loved away. ”
“That’s why you stopped responding to my messages,” Teal says.
Sage nods. “That’s why.”
“Let’s go in the living room,” I suggest. “Get everyone comfy. And fed.”
Teal and I serve Sage’s plate and bring her a tray so she can eat while nursing Oak. Then we get our own food, and as we’re settling on the sofas, I say to Teal, “So why haven’t you answered my last several hundred texts?”
Teal sighs. “I’m a bastard. No, seriously.
I became a freaking workaholic. I was sewing bags and wallets till two in the morning, and then I wouldn’t even let myself sleep in.
Carter told me I was using my work as a way to escape…
which, you know. Is kind of a thing people with bipolar can be prone to do.
Anyway, I’m sorry for blowing you off. When Carter told me about seeing you and Adam—”
“Sky!” shrieks Sage. “You and Adam?”
Teal rolls her eyes playfully at the interruption. “As I was saying. When Carter told me about seeing the two of you, it made me realize I didn’t know anything about what you were going through. Either of you. I’m so sorry about that, you guys.” She gives me and Sage additional hugs.
“Thanks.” I’m not sure what else to say. I’m glad for this reconciliation, but what if everything just goes back to how it was once they both leave? My heart doesn’t want to open to the idea that my sisters are back. I want to curl in on myself and protect it instead.
Sage senses this and says, “Don’t worry. I will work for getting your trust back.” She unlatches Oak, who is now peacefully asleep, milk-drunk as can be. And then she stands and places him in my arms.
“Oh,” I breathe, watching the rise and fall of his belly, full of milk.
His mouth is still pursed as though he is breastfeeding, and he even sucks a little bit at nothing.
His eyelashes are so long, they lie neatly against his cheeks like pine needles.
I know he gets those from Tenn. Boys always get the good eyelashes. “What a beautiful baby,” I coo at him.
“Okay,” Sage says, waving me off. “What is going on with you and Adam?”
“Let me get some flan first!” Teal says, jumping up.
She returns with enormous pieces of coconut flan balanced on three plates, one for each of us. “Gracias,” Sage says, and I echo her thanks when Teal serves me. Though Sage offers to put Oak back in the carrier, I instead put the plate on the tray she was using, holding the fork with my free hand.
“That poor kid is covered with crumbs by the end of the day,” Sage says, laughing when I almost drop flan on him. “It’s his own fault, though. He’s a freaking milk beast. I have to constantly eat or else I wanna faint.”
“Yeah, yeah, the baby likes milk,” Teal says, turning to me. “So, you’re dating Adam now? How did that come about?”
I shake my head. “We’re not dating. But there is someone who I might be sorta…involved with? Maybe? Maybe not anymore, though?”
“What does that mean?” Sage asks through a mouthful of flan.
I take a big breath and try my best to explain everything that’s happened within the last couple of weeks, between Adam and our agreement, as well as how the chats were going with @tryingsomethingnew. I leave out the erotic details of our last…ah, encounter. But they get the gist of it.
“Anyway. Yeah. That’s basically it.”
“It’s not basically it,” Teal says. “Why did you conveniently leave out the part where he punched that asshole Grayson Baker last night? Tell him thanks for that, by the way, because it saves me the trouble of having to beat his ass for what he did to you.” She frowns thoughtfully. “But I might do it anyway.”
Teal really could kick anyone’s ass. She spends at least seventy-five percent of her time working out and lifting weights the size of me. “You shouldn’t waste your time and energy.”