Isaac #3
I chuckled. “You like it when I give you shit because you’re still interested in me sexually, and while I’ve shot you down repeatedly, and even outright said no, there’s still a part of you that’s wondering if there’s still some flirtation on my part.
And if there is? Well, wouldn’t that mean you have a chance?
So, you like it when I give you hell because it feels like foreplay to you, and you like that someone might be interested in sleeping with you but isn’t willing to give it up easily.
In short, you like it from Cade because that’s your friendship love language, you like it when Luka does it because it amuses you, and you like it when I do it because it turns you on. ”
Cade gave another laugh that, unsurprisingly, drew the attention of everyone still in the cafeteria. “God, that’s so good. That’s a neat little trick ya got there. Ya managed to do what people always have a hard time doin’. Shuttin’ Clay up.”
Clay glared at him. “You’re the worst friend ever.”
“I know,” Cade said with a grin.
“And after that interesting display of insight and psychological evaluation that seriously makes me question whether I’m the one who should be a Guide, I’m going to the gym,” Luka said dryly, getting up to get rid of his dishes.
“After eating? God, just say you wanna throw up,” Clay said with a wrinkle of his nose.
“I go for a light workout after eating, otherwise I’ll end up feeling sluggish and bloated,” Luka said as he glanced at me. “Feel free to join me.”
“I could do a bit of jogging, I’ll catch up in a second,” I said, gesturing to the last bits of food on my plate.
Luka nodded and walked off, and Clay looked at me with a frown. “Was he really bothered by what you just did?”
“A little,” I admitted, not wanting to talk about Luka’s vulnerabilities. “He’s new at the job, and I think he’s worried that he’s not going to do it right. He’s not insecure, just a little gun-shy.”
“Yeah, I guess, though I don’t know why. From what I heard, Rowan got through the program just fine. And he also started giving the place a lot of money,” Clay said with a snort. “So, I’d call that a massive success, wouldn’t you?”
“Seems that way,” I agreed, shoving the last of my food into my mouth so my face didn’t betray my surprise.
Christ, if what I’d guessed about Luka earlier was accurate, that meant.
..huh, interesting. I would never have pictured Luka as the type to risk sleeping with his guest, but at the same time, I could almost picture it.
The very nature of the guest and Guide program puts two people together in a close, intimate fashion that could easily spawn sexual and romantic feelings under the right circumstances, especially since they emphasized that the Guide was not a boss, or a therapist, or anything that could cause a power difference between them.
Still...interesting. It also meant I was sitting on a piece of hot gossip that would probably shock the hell out of everyone who knew Luka, and could probably get him into trouble with the likes of Reggie and Mr. Shepherd.
Keeping secrets, along with other things, was something I was good at, and I thought it better if I didn’t let Luka know I’d put the pieces together.
“Well, boys, I’m glad to have been of service,” I said, gathering my stuff and getting to my feet. “I think I’ll test out Luka’s idea and see if a light workout will do me good. Going to be at yoga tomorrow, Clay?”
“You know it,” he said with an easy grin.
After dumping my trash and rinsing the plate, I left the cafeteria.
I veered toward the large wall of windows that looked down over the slope of the mountain the resort was built into and took a deep breath.
Autumn was coming in full force, casting parts of the mountain range in swaths of gold and crimson, while the fir trees, of course, remained unchanged.
“I keep telling them they need to have a bonfire for days like this,” I heard from behind me, turning to see Clay standing there.
“This is perfect bonfire weather,” I agreed. “A big fire, some food to overcook in the open flames, a beer or two—”
“Yeah,” he agreed, looking out the window. “Except we’re not allowed to drink.”
“Which makes sense. Alcohol might bring things out that would normally be buried, but it also blurs the lines in people’s heads.
I can see how a place that wants to focus on natural, healthy, holistic healing wouldn’t want to drag something like alcohol into the mix.
I have heard some interesting things about shrooms, though. ”
“God, can you imagine? I’ll try just about anything, but shrooms? I don’t think my brain needs the power to make me see shit,” he said with a laugh.
I eyed him. “Some might say that’s you avoiding dealing with anything hard in your head.”
“Some, huh?”
“Yes, some.”
“Are you one of them?”
“I think it’s important to know your limitations, which ones are good to challenge, and which are better left where they are.”
“So...no?”
“Correct.”
He snorted. “Sometimes you talk in a way that makes it hard for people to follow what you’re thinking.”
“I do.”
“I figured. You do it on purpose, don’t you?”
“Yes and no. I did it a lot once upon a time, mostly by choice, but I did it for so long that it wasn’t so much choice but...habit.”
“You’ve said that about a few things,” he noted, still standing next to me at a respectful if somewhat close distance.
He was obviously not trying to do anything, which made it all the more distracting that he was within touching distance.
Except I most certainly did want to touch him, but it felt like I would shatter something if I did.
As it was for the moment, I enjoyed the relationship we had and didn’t want to alter that simply because I was feeling lonely, horny, and insanely curious.
“Is that why you’re here? Because you’ve built up so many habits through pretending and learning how to be someone else that you’ve forgotten how to be yourself? ”
I was surprised at his insight but not shocked. “Do you know something about that? Sounds like you do.”
He stared out the window with a frown. “You didn’t give me the full breakdown like you did Cade and Luka.”
“I didn’t,” I agreed, realizing that his strange looks earlier had been because he’d noticed it but hadn’t wanted to bring it up around the other two. “I did say you wouldn’t like what I had to say.”
“Right,” he grunted.
“And...there are some observations or thoughts I might have about someone that don’t need to be shared as a group,” I continued with a shrug.
“So, are you going to say it now or do you want me to grovel?”
I chuckled softly. “Remember, I said you wouldn’t like it.”
“Yeah, well, there’s plenty about my life I don’t like, but I still have to live it, don’t I?” he asked, his voice tinged with surprising bitterness. Not because of its existence, but because I could sense that it had a depth that might be scary if someone were to peer into it too much.
I sighed. “Fine, you want to hear it?”
“Sure.”
“Your enthusiasm is as lacking as your sense of propriety,” I said with a snort.
“The truth is, I didn’t speak of what you’d like from a companion because.
..I don’t know. You’re too busy cracking jokes or hitting on people aggressively for me to get any sense of what you’re really like, let alone what you desire or need.
If you want the truth, I think you’re too busy hiding behind your hypersexuality to act like a normal person.
I think you manage it with Cade because you are clearly close, but with anyone else?
They get this playboy smartass instead of who you actually are.
I don’t know if you think the real Clay isn’t worth knowing, or if the real Clay comes with a lot of baggage you don’t want to deal with, but you’re not the first person I’ve met who hides behind sex as a shield, but that’s what you’re giving off.
So no, Clay, I can’t tell you more about yourself because you hide it. ”
Clay had turned while I was talking, and a stony edge crossed his features before he opened his mouth, seemed to think twice, and then snorted. “Feel better?”
“It’s not about me feeling better. I kept that to myself while Cade and Luka were around because the only thing I could think of to say about you was more personal than Cade wanting someone soft but strong, or Luka wanting someone who challenges him.
You wanted my feedback, I gave it. What you do with it is up to you.
All I need to know is if you’re going to chew me out or walk off, because you’re definitely about to do one of those things, and I’d like a heads up which one it’ll be. ”
Clay stared out the window, the wistful expression gone, replaced by a mask of granite.
Part of me hated having said it aloud, but at the same time, not only had he insisted, but sometimes people needed to hear it before they were ready to face themselves.
It wasn’t my job to ‘fix’ him, or even to help him, but it was clear he was avoiding himself to some extent.
The air around him seemed to grow heavier for a moment before he let out a little laugh. “I’m just going to walk away. No need to get pissed at someone for doing what I asked, right?”
“Right,” I said, waiting to see if he would in fact—
Oh, he really was leaving.
“Huh,” I said softly as he walked off, his shoulders hunched and his hands jammed into the pockets of his jeans.
He was clearly unhappy, and probably furious from what I had seen on his face before he turned away, but he apparently had the self-control to reign it in.
Either that or I was more right than I thought, and he was once again locking himself away from.
..well, himself. It wasn’t my problem; he was in charge of his own destiny, and I wasn’t responsible for the way he was.
Still, I couldn’t help but feel a twist of empathy.
It was never easy to hear things about yourself that you didn’t want to hear, even if they came from a genuine and well-meaning place.
Maybe he would hold it against me, maybe he wouldn’t, but right now I wasn’t going to get the answer to that. In fact, I was supposed to be at the gym trying to walk off the amount of food I had shoveled earlier. So, I was going to focus on what I could deal with and let everything else wait.