Clay #2
Others were talking now, but the black wave that welled within me blocked out the sound.
Lips were moving, but it was like I couldn’t hear them or they weren’t speaking my language.
It was drowned out by the icy grip that wrapped around my chest, dragging my thoughts down with it.
All I could hear was Mick’s words, his reason for living, even when all hope and light had disappeared from his life.
God, he was so fucking stupid, he was so fucking blind, he had no idea how fucking good he had it.
I wanted to scream, but I swallowed it as I closed my eyes, turning my face to the ground and taking a deep breath.
This had been the worst idea. I should never have come here, or at least, I should have kept my fucking mouth closed.
All I’d done was make it worse, and well.
..why not? Misery was what I’d felt for over three years now, and why shouldn’t I?
It was what I deserved, and any time I tried to convince myself otherwise, even if it was just to pretend this wasn’t going to be my life as long as I drew breath, it was always going to be there, waiting for me to slip up, to—
A warm hand slid over my shoulder. I tensed until I felt the fingertips brush my neck, and I didn’t know how, but I knew it was Isaac.
Maybe because other than Cade, he was the only person who touched me in public, the rest would rather chop off their hand than touch the local slut until we were somewhere private.
The effect was instant, but not complete.
The blackness in my head receded, but it was still there, wrapped around my chest and drawing my thoughts.
But I could hear again, I was aware of things again, and realized everyone was putting their chairs away.
Isaac was standing next to me, smiling gently when my eyes finally met his with recognition.
“Migraine again?” he asked, and I realized he was speaking in a voice that would carry through the room.
I cleared my throat. “Y-yeah, it’s, uh...it’s been a while.”
“I figured,” he said with that same smile, taking my forearm. “Come on, session is over anyway, let’s get you back to your room away from all the noise and lights.”
Christ, were things so bad I needed saving? Was that how far I had fallen?
“Everything alright?” I heard Dr. Ramirez ask.
“Yeah,” Isaac said casually, and I realized that if I didn’t already know he was lying, I would have had no idea.
“He’s been having headaches all day, but it started getting bad over the past hour.
I could see it. I’m going to take him to his room, get some water in him, turn the lights down, and let him relax. ”
I heard someone mutter something I couldn’t make out, but it made Dr. Ramirez frown and turn. “Ian, stay behind, please.”
“What’d he say?” I asked, looking around. “What’d he fucking say?”
“He said it’s time for you to get back to your room,” Isaac said, guiding me toward the door.
“That is not what he said,” I growled. “Quit leading me around like a dog.”
“Then quit acting like a puppy who’s ready to bolt the minute the front door is open,” he said with a smirk.
“You’re kind of awful, you know that?”
“I’ve been told a time or two. You know what’s strange?”
“You don’t care?”
“Not a bit, isn’t that great?”
“No, fuck you.”
He cocked his head. “Do you still want to?”
“Why? Are you offering?” I asked with a snort.
“No,” he said, and despite being the answer I expected, I felt a small jolt of disappointment even though I knew it was just me trying to escape my thoughts...probably. “I’m also not saying no, but I’m not offering either. I’m done offering my body to people.”
“What’s left?” I wondered as we reached the room. “People...pushing themselves on you?”
“Again? That would be interesting,” he said in a light tone that didn’t quite fit his mood.
“Again?” I asked, coming to a stop and staring at him. “What do you mean, again?”
His eyes drifted over my shoulder. “You’ve seen firsthand how people treat sex workers, or at least their attitude. Do you really think there wasn’t someone who was just as rude and ignorant as Ian, but worse?”
“I...did they...” I didn’t know how to ask.
“No,” he said, looking to the side and giving a sad smile. “The first time—”
“The first time,” I repeated, appalled.
“The first time, I was lucky, and he wasn’t expecting a real fight.
The second and third times, I was prepared.
I learned to read the danger signs and made sure I knew where I was going to be, where the exits were, and.
..well, a taser takes the libido of most people.
Not all, but most,” he said wryly. “Thankfully, the two I had to zap were fairly vanilla, so electrocution didn’t do it for them. ”
“Vanilla,” I repeated bitterly. “They were rapists.”
“Attempted rapists, and banned from getting escorts from any decent service,” he said with a sigh.
“They should have been in jail.”
“Oh yeah?” he asked in amusement. “Did you forget I was an escort? No better than a whore to a lot of people? And before you get mad, prostitution is illegal.”
I stopped at that, frowning. “I...forgot. I guess I always forget that.”
“Why?”
“Why do I forget? Because it’s a stupid thing to be illegal.
I mean, it’s just sex, for God’s sake; sex for money, but sex.
Hell, it’s probably easier for some people; all they have to do is fork over the money and boom, laid.
None of that lead-up bullshit, no need to seduce someone, just sex.
And I mean...well, actually, that would be a pretty awful job, wouldn’t it? Wait, have you ever been arrested?”
Isaac grinned. “No, but I have gotten close. See, escort services operate in an interesting legal gray zone. All you have to do is make sure you’re being paid for your company, because that isn’t illegal.
And if you happen to have sex with the person who hired you, well, you did that of your own volition, not because you were paid.
Of course, the price difference between a standard escort service and an upgraded service was substantial and suspicious as hell, but they have to go to the effort of proving you were prostituting yourself.
Which is harder to do when you’re like me, and work for an escort service that has existed for a while and is professional and thorough.
They had their own legal department, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they had people who, on the side, bought or scared off persistent cops. ”
“You make them sound like a mafia,” I muttered, realizing we were standing outside my door. Isaac had been patiently waiting for me to open it, even though his card gave him access, because my room wasn’t set to privacy mode.
He watched me open the door with amusement. “Honestly, I never dug too deep into the internal affairs of the service, but I wouldn’t be surprised.”
“That they’re mafia?”
He snorted, following me inside. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they had connections to crime groups. I heard rumors, of course, and they knew how to make problems go away quietly, but that was all. Nothing substantial. There were clues, though.”
“Like what?” I wondered.
“Like the fact that a few of my clients were definitely ranking members of crime groups,” he said, and stepped closer.
“Uh, what are you doing?” I wondered. He wasn’t quite in my personal space, but it wouldn’t take much to step forward, and he’d be in kissing distance.
“I’m bringing the subject back to the original topic,” he said slowly, and I took a step back, but he followed. My back hit the table, and I stared in confusion as he laid his hands on the table, closing me in.
“To what?” I asked, knowing I probably looked shocked, which was fine because I was...and more nervous than I should have been to have him that close.
“You asked what’s left, if I’m done offering my body to people,” he said softly, looking me over. “And the answer is simple. I want to give it when the time comes.”
“I’m going to be honest here,” I said, swallowing. “I’m having a difficult time using my brain cells at the moment. Could you clarify that?”
He smirked, clearly enjoying having such an effect on me.
“To offer means...well, what I’ve done for years.
It’s offered, the price is paid, and I sleep with them.
But to give it to someone? That’s mutual passion, mutual interest, mutual lust. That’s person to person.
..having sex. Do you know what it’s like not to remember what it’s like to sleep with someone simply because you want to? Because I sure as hell don’t.”
“I didn’t realize,” I said, finding myself able to focus more now that the topic was heavier than the spike of arousal inside me. “I mean, I guess it makes sense.”
“Even when I did sleep with someone during the past five years without getting paid, I always had to question; do I like this person enough to want to sleep with them, or am I just so used to throwing my body at people that it’s second nature?
Is it something I really want, or is it just going through the motions?
Checking one more thing off the laundry list in my head? ”
I stared at him, my heart hammering as I swallowed hard. “Are you talking about me or you?”
He tilted his head, smiling. “You know, I didn’t even think that there might be a comparison, but, I guess there is.”
“You said it yourself,” I said, shifting nervously, then freezing when my hip bumped his forearm. “I’ve been using sex to hide from people. If I just sleep with them, on my terms, they don’t have to be important to me. They can’t get close, and...nothing bad can happen.”
“You know what happens when you don’t let anything happen?”
“What?”
“Nothing ever happens.”
I let out a laugh and shook my head. “It’s not that easy.”
“There’s that word again, as if I’ve ever used the word easy to describe anything.”
“Other than me, you mean?”