Cade #3
“But that’s exactly what it was,” I said, knowing Clay would have called it the same thing.
His past that he’d never really dealt with was blurring into his present in ways that were too much to handle, and he would have called that a meltdown, a freakout, a breakdown, many things…
but he would have said it in a way that wasn’t nice to him.
I was saying it because that’s exactly what he’d done.
“Wasn’t wrong, though. I think it would’ve happened anyway, just later.
And if realizin’ that he had strong feelings for ya made it happen sooner… that’s a good thing.”
“I suppose it’s better to rip the bandage off sooner rather than later,” he said but his tone was reluctant, the voice of a man who wasn’t sure if he was ready to accept that his part in Clay’s current predicament was for the best.
“If it had happened without ya bein’ involved, it would’ve been a lot worse ’cause he waited so long,” I said, the words sounding right. “But ’cause he had ya there with him, it was hard on ya but it gives him somethin’ to appreciate after the hell he’s been livin’ in.”
“Does.”
“Huh?”
“He does have me,” Isaac corrected gently. “Being in a treatment program with minimal contact with the outside world doesn’t mean I’ve moved on…from him, at least. And when he moves into the outpatient part of his program, I’ll let him dictate how things go.”
“Ya know he won’t let ya just let him run everythin’,” I pointed out with a snort. “He’ll give ya holy hell for tryin’ that, after everythin’ you two went through.”
“And I’ll remind him of the same thing I’m reminding you of,” he said.
“That my choice to wait for him to decide how he wants to handle us has no bearing on how I’m going to handle things about myself.
I only had the chance to know him a couple of months, give or take, but it was the first time in a long time I remember feeling that intensely about someone…
or trusting someone that much. There’s more than enough on my to-do list for putting my life back together that I have plenty of time before I have to consider the romantic aspect of my life.
So, don’t start worrying about me. I’m well aware I need to make sure my needs and wants are also taken into consideration. ”
“Sometimes it’s hard to understand how you ended up here,” I said with a shake of my head. “You’re so, I dunno, put together.”
“That’s because you don’t live in my head, and you didn’t get to see how lost I was when I came to Arete,” he said quietly.
“Being there, isolated in that bubble as you put it, was what I needed to understand who I am under all the masks I put on for people. And then there was my relationship with Clay, which also helped because I could experience genuine passion for the first time in years…and yes, I know how much it thrills you to hear that.”
I grinned. “Aw, I didn’t care that you two were fuckin’ like bunnies. I just didn’t need ya doin’ that stuff in front of me. And it was kinda funny to mess with Clay about it…but it wasn’t just the passion, right?”
“No,” he said. “It was the realization that I was there for him, supporting him, even fighting him, because I wanted to. Not because I felt an obligation, not because I had to put on a show, but because I wanted to. I cannot express to you how liberating that was, anymore than I suspect you or Clay could properly express what it’s like to lose all that you’ve lost and then be left to live with the… fallout.”
“Yeah,” I said gruffly because I could see his point, but I wasn’t happy about the reminder. “It’s nice, though, you two doin’ what ya need to do for yourselves. It’s real nice…lonely here, but nice.”
He sucked in a soft breath and let out a knowing, “Ahh, I see.”
I groaned. “Oh, don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“You’re about to do that thing where ya dig into my head and tell me stuff about myself. Or you’re gonna get on my ass about what I’m doin’ here. Or just…any of those things you do.”
“Those things I do,” he said with a laugh. “Don’t tell me that battle-hardened, tough as nails, big man Cade is scared of little ole me.”
“A little,” I admitted, because I wasn’t so big and bad that I couldn’t admit when something scared me.
You were a liar or a psycho if you told people you weren’t scared of anything, and I had seen enough in my life to understand what it was like to be afraid.
“Knew someone like you once; scared the shit out of me.”
“Someone like me, huh? And I thought I was unique,” he said in that wry voice that said he was teasing me again. “What made us so similar?”
“He was like you, could see stuff in other people and figure ya out in a heartbeat, even if ya didn’t want him to,” I said with a snort. “And havin’ someone who can peek into your head, and probably your heart? That’s scary.”
“Is it?”
“I mean…yeah?”
“You don’t sound sure.”
“I mean…yeah.”
He laughed. “That was a little more convincing. But it tells me you’ve never been in love. Ah, don’t make that noise at me. I didn’t say you don’t love; I’m saying you’ve never been in love.”
I couldn’t help but squirm. “No, I guess not.”
“Never found the right woman?”
“Apparently.”
He snorted. “It will never not amuse me how you and Clay are so much alike. I can’t tell if you’re trying to keep things from me or from yourself.”
“I don’t think a love life is gonna help me right now,” I said with a frown. “Kinda got other things on my plate.”
“Things you’ve still not dealt with, and don’t growl at me like that; it gets me confused because Clay always does that whenever we—”
“Stop!” I huffed. “Fine, I won’t growl.”
He snickered. “And for the record, you just got done saying that having someone in his life like me is what helped Clay. So why would you be any different?”
“I’m in a place full of guys,” I said dryly. “Ain’t the best place for me to be findin’ love, now is it?”
“Hmm,” he said thoughtfully. “I suppose not.”
“You ain’t gonna ask?”
“Ask what?”
“Clay asked a buncha times if I was ever with a guy, all ’cause I was in the Army.”
“Yes, well,” he muttered. “I’m not Clay, but that sounds like him. I can picture him imagining it as a bastion of hot men in various states of undress for him to ogle and touch to his heart’s content.”
“There was some of that, but people were pretty good at keepin’ it quiet,” I admitted. “Didn’t bother me none.”
“Not for a moment did I think it bothered you,” he said. “How about I make you a deal?”
“Er, not so sure about that,” I admitted, not caring if I sounded wary. Anyone as smart as him could trick me into doing just about anything if he wanted to.
“It’s simple. I’ll tell you what I really think about Clay and how he’s doing since I flew out to see him the other day,” he said, and I perked up at that. “And you tell me what you’ve been doing since you got back to Arete…and what you plan to do differently this time around.”
“Different?” I asked cautiously. “I like what I’ve been doin’…except for the alone part.”
“If you always do what you know, you can never be more than you already are,” he said softly. “And imagine how over the moon Clay would be if he found out you’ve been making great strides while he was doing the same.”
I frowned. “That’s cheatin’, ya know that, right?”
“All’s fair in love and war,” he snorted. “What can it hurt?”
Plenty, but considering I was being forced to watch people around me get to where they were leaving me behind…well, I suppose it couldn’t hurt more than it already did, right?
“Fine,” I said. “You first.”
“Mhmm,” he said, as if we both knew he wouldn’t let me off the hook that easily.
Just like when Isaac had been here, though, it was easy to fall into conversation with him, even when it wasn’t about mental things.
It turned out he was also worried about Clay, but was just as tentatively hopeful that what he had seen of Clay was a good sign.
I wasn’t much good at sharing what I’d been doing since returning to Arete a week before, but it was nice to talk about normal things for a few hours as the sun made its way high enough to cast its bright light over the ridges of the mountains.
Others showed up; the early risers and those like me who probably hadn’t slept much last night.
I knew most of the faces, though there were a couple of new people because there was always someone new at Arete.
Most waved or called my name before moving on, probably to get caffeine or breakfast while it was fresh.
Sound and life were returning to Arete, and it made me feel just that little less lonely.
“And this,” I heard the familiar voice of the facility administrator say in his best welcoming sales pitch, “is the best time possible to get a good look at the facilities we’ve already discussed and the people you’ll be spending a lot of time around.”
“You don’t have to show off,” a fresh voice said, and a shockwave rolled through me so totally that I stopped speaking and stared at the mountains outside without turning.
There was no way.
As the shock rolled through me, I could barely hear Isaac’s concern. “Cade?” I stood there and stared at someone I never dreamed I would see again.
What had it been? Five years? Five years since I saw the man standing beside Reggie with a scowl that looked out of place on someone, I remembered being lighthearted and gentle.
Someone who had always understood the pain in the world, but never let it get to him.
Someone who could look at you and make you feel special when he spoke because he had that knack, even more than Isaac did.
I hadn’t forgotten him, not really. I could remember the last time I’d seen him. Being flown away on a chopper, fighting for his life as he was transported to safety. I’d believed I would never see him again after everything that transpired a few months later. And yet—
He turned his head and caught my eye, and I saw the same expression of shock, his lips parting.
My voice was husky and rough when I spoke. “Rhodes?”
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