Chapter 3 #2
I sighed, draining the last of my beer and, after dropping it into a bin meant for glass bottles, turned to make myself a cocktail.
“We both figured it out, Luka. And clearly, if I waited this long to bring it up, that means your ass is not grass. True, I wondered early on, before everything about Rowan came to light, but I didn’t have proof.
It wasn’t until you were both in Marc’s office that I realized it wasn’t a blossoming romance that was being held back, but one that was already in full force. ”
A complicated expression screwed up Luka’s features. “I…yeah, I guess.”
“You guess what?”
“I have no fucking idea. I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that we’re even having this conversation. All casual and whatever, instead of standing on the other side of a desk as I prepare to take my walking papers.”
“Well, there’s a slightly anachronistic term,” I chuckled. “But worry not, my good man, you’ll not be getting your walking papers…or even written up. I figured I should speak to you about it, which I mean, I am, aren’t I?”
“Right,” he said, surprising me by draining his glass and promptly refilling it.
This time with more tequila, before clearing his throat and after glancing at me, heading toward the exit.
Taking his cue, I followed him as he navigated the hallways.
It was still early enough on the first day of the two-day party that the employees hadn’t yet drifted from the cafeteria.
Eventually they would, moving about in drunken herds to find a place to talk, or sometimes, something a little more… intimate.
Eventually, he found a secluded corner in one of the sitting areas near the large windows that looked out onto the Rockies. The sun was inching its way down the horizon, setting the sky to glow with the fading light of a dying fire as he dropped into a seat with a sigh. “Right, so…what?”
I snorted. “A little dramatic, but considering the circumstances, I’ll forgive you and let it go with this comment.”
“Aren’t you just sweet?” he asked dryly. “Am I supposed to confess or something?”
“Honestly, any concerns or issues I had would have been addressed a long time ago,” I said with a shrug, sliding into the seat opposite him. “It was clearly mutual; there was no coercion or force used, or at least I didn’t get that feeling.”
He squirmed in his seat. “Well, I wasn’t like…thrilled about it at first. It felt wrong. He was the one who kept pointing out that even if I had ‘Guide’ in my title, that wasn’t the same as someone who had power over him.”
“Effective logic,” I agreed, though I could see from the doubtful look on his face, he thought it was flimsy at best. True, it was a gray area that I certainly wouldn’t have risked personally, but I wasn’t Luka.
Plus, even I knew there were things that sometimes were…
outside your control. And hell, even I had to admit Rowan was a good-looking man.
I didn’t see the appeal of his grumpy personality, but I also hadn’t gotten to know him on the personal level Luka had.
“And I take it things continued after he left?”
“I…yeah,” he said, and this time the complicated expression felt both pleased and nervous as he looked out the window.
“We’re…figuring things out. It’s kinda difficult with me being here most of the time, and it’s not like he’s going to stop doing his job, which means a lot of travel on his part. But you know…we’re figuring it out.”
“I’ll level with you,” I told him. “I’m not happy about it.
I’m not pissed, but I’m not happy either.
If this were some other facility, I would have had no choice but to do something, but as it is, this place is Marc and my baby, so we get to decide what does or doesn’t happen.
In this case? I’m making an exception because I can’t exactly be one of the founders and run a place built on the principle of giving people freedom to find health and happiness and then turn around and treat something like this as if it’s black and white. ”
Luka nodded slowly and then glanced at me dubiously. “Where’s the ‘but’ come in?”
“But,” I said with a slow smile. “I won’t pretend it doesn’t mean I won’t be wary of you in the future. I wouldn’t call it being in trouble or on probation, but I’m going to be wary.”
Luka stared at me for a few seconds, his nostrils flaring before he turned back to the window, looking unhappy. “You have to think about the guys here more than me. As you should.”
“He says, sounding pissy about it.”
“No one likes being treated with suspicion, even if it’s mild and comes from an understandable place.
Honestly? I’d probably have lost respect for you if you didn’t treat me differently after Rowan.
You need to be cautious, and even letting me stay here is a risk; I know that.
Or at least, as far as you and Mr. Shepherd are concerned.
I know I’m not a risk to any of the guys here, because I live in my own head.
But that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. I just accept it and expect it.”
“We’ll put you with someone who isn’t at their most desperate…and has been here a few times,” I said with a shrug. “It’ll be less demanding. Give you time to ease into the role better. It’s on me for throwing you into the water and demanding you swim like an expert.”
He gave a wry, humorless smile. “Also means they’re in a better mental state. Less likely I could take advantage. And they’re more comfortable with the staff here, so more willing to report if I act like a creep.”
“I said I’d level with you,” I said with a shrug. “I get no pleasure out of being so mercenary.”
“It is what it is,” he said with a sigh, taking a deep drink. “But now I’ve got you alone—”
“This had better be you getting ready to confess you’re secretly, madly in love with me and want me to ravish you on the spot rather than you going where I think you’re going,” I told him in warning.
“Who the fuck says ravish?”
“Me.”
“That is…something,” Luka said, with a shake of his head. “Anyway. No, I do not…ew.”
“Geez, and they said the worst anyone could ever say was ‘no.’ Yet here we are with ‘ew’ instead.”
“Cute, so, Mr. Shepherd and your…feelings,” he said, and I knew he wasn’t being tactful, but deliberately drawing the sentence out to get under my skin.
That it was working was just as irritating as the topic he insisted on talking about.
If there was even a shred of doubt in my mind that that’s what he was doing, it was immediately ruined by the smirk he gave me as he took a dainty sip from his glass.
“Are genuinely none of your concern; they’re not anyone’s concern,” I added for good measure, hoping he would take the hint.
He did not. “But you’re not denying them. The feelings, that is.”
“I’m denying nothing and agreeing to nothing,” I told him. “Because there’s nothing to talk about.”
“Oh come, you got to put me on blast for Rowan, and even tell me you’re putting me on probation,” he grunted.
“The least you could do is spill a little. I didn’t tell anyone when I figured it out, and confronted you the first time.
I’m not going to start blabbing it to everyone if you add a few more details to assuage my hurt feelings. ”
I didn’t know if admitting his feelings were hurt was a tactic to convince me to talk, but if it was, it was an annoyingly effective one. “I would have to be blind and comatose not to see that he’s attractive, is that what you want to hear?”
“I mean, there’s quite a difference between finding someone attractive,” he said, bobbing his head back and forth gently, “and knowing they’re attractive. There’s plenty of women that I can see are attractive, but that doesn’t mean I’m attracted to them.”
It was pointless but fine; I’d play along. “Yes, I’m physically attracted to him. Is that what you want to hear?”
It was, of course, downplaying my feelings noticeably.
I wasn’t just physically attracted to Marc; I was actively and persistently attracted to him.
Over time, I had found a way to keep those feelings as beneath the surface as I could.
In a place where they could murmur and whisper, and occasionally find a way to the surface before I shoved them back down.
It was the only way I could get through being around him all the time.
My feelings obviously weren’t changing, but I couldn’t let them get in the way either, so I had to give them space in my head without letting them take over.
And if I did my best to avoid seeing him in compromising situations or positions?
Well, there was no need to risk making things worse just because I wanted to be overconfident and believe that walking in on him changing wouldn’t send that small flame of desire spiraling upwards until it was a bonfire.
Luka snorted. “I guess I just don’t get it. Have you, like…told him?”
“Now why would I do that?” I said with a frown. “If I’m not willing to talk about it to other people, what makes you think I’d talk about it with him?”
“It’s not like I talked to anyone about how I felt about Rowan,” he said with a shrug. “That doesn’t mean he wasn’t aware I was into him at some point…and then every point after that.”
The desire to know more was right there, tickling the tip of my tongue as the questions danced around.
I swallowed them, refusing to poke for more information.
As his boss and one of two administrators at Arete, I couldn’t give in to my desire for gossip and juicy details.
Especially about something I was already borderline uneasy about having happened under my nose.
I was doing my best to give Luka grace and space to prove that the thing with Rowan was a one-off; I didn’t need to know about the first time he got turned on or made out with the guy to risk that.
“No,” I answered instead. “I have not, and do not plan on ever discussing it with Marc.”
“I mean, you’ve known him for years.”