Chapter 12 #3
He surprised me by reaching out and taking my elbows in his hands and giving them a squeeze.
I looked up into his face, and it hurt to see the love and compassion I had so far done nothing to earn.
Marc could be so hard on himself sometimes, believing himself to be cold and overly pragmatic when human decency was called for, but that was selling himself short, far too short.
I could remember the day he’d found me curled up in my bed, well, in the bed that had once been mine and Malcolm’s.
For six months, if I wasn’t going through work like a mindless robot, picking up a few things from the store that would technically keep me alive, I was in that bed.
He had known because he frequently tried to call me.
And when I didn’t answer him for days on end, he had flown all the way from Munich to come through the door, using the key Malcolm and I had given him.
“Enough,” he’d told me as he stood in the doorway, his voice shaking with rage. “This is enough, Reggie, e-goddamn-nough.”
I had barely heard him, in fact, when I heard someone moving around my house, I’d hoped it was someone come in to rob me.
Maybe they’d see me, decide they didn’t want a witness, and end things right then and there.
Except my life hadn’t been ended by some violent, greedy stranger, but I had been dragged out of bed when I refused to do a thing he’d said.
Sometimes I still remembered the icy shower he dumped me into.
I sputtered and spat, but he refused to let me out.
It didn’t remember the things I’d called him, the hate I’d spewed at him.
I was too caught up in my misery to want to be saved, well, misery and half a bottle of Jack.
Yet even when I said things no person should have to hear, when I accused him of things he’d never do, and even when I swung and kicked at him, he refused to let me up.
It was only when all the anger, spite, and hate were drained, leaving the misery and anguish buried underneath it all, that he finally relented.
His suit probably cost more than my rent, but he climbed into that soaking, freezing tub with me as I sobbed until my chest felt empty and my stomach was turning circles, and held me.
He’d held me with the same compassion and understanding in his eyes that he held right now.
He was a good man, a great man, and I was ruining it all.
And I couldn’t stop myself.
“I’m just trying to say…” he began, and I cut him off.
“It’s unnecessary,” I told him sharply, and I didn’t know why I was so mad at him.
Maybe because he was trying to take things upon himself when there was no need, because the issue wasn’t him, and it had never been him.
Yet I couldn’t bring myself to admit to him what my problem was.
I might have, if it wasn’t for the fact that part of my problem was standing a handful of feet behind him along with the rest of the group trying to pretend their leaders weren’t having a hushed argument out of earshot.
“Reggie,” he said in a pleading voice, and I felt an ache in my chest because, Jesus, I was being an asshole. I was trying to figure out how to do the right thing, but I was being a bastard by locking him out, slamming the door in his face and refusing to level with him.
“Look,” I said, then stopped when I heard footsteps approaching, and I went rigid with annoyance.
“Um, Dad?” Jude asked, and while my irritation faded, I felt a new sense of worry. “Reggie?”
Marc’s jaw tightened. “Yes?”
Jude looked nervous, glancing over his shoulder as if making sure no one else had followed him, but the other guys were still a few yards back.
They were a pack of hooligans and sometimes idiots, but they were still grown men who understood something was going on that didn’t involve them.
Bless them, they were even trying to act as though they didn’t know Marc and I were on the verge of an argument.
Sometimes I thought they were idiots, but they were good-hearted idiots and I felt a wave of affection.
“I, uh…” he looked between us as he shuffled around his dad. Marc and I snapped to watch Jude’s footing; he was still at least half a foot from the edge so our attention went back to his face. I almost wished I hadn’t, because I could see something dangerously guilty there. “Are you…what is this?”
“A disagreement,” Marc and I said, and I didn’t know whether to be irritated or amused when he flashed a smirk in my direction.
“Okay, that was creepy,” Jude muttered, looking between us and biting his lip. “Look, I-I gotta ask you something…what exactly…are you guys? Like…more than friends, or what?”
“We…” I began, but Marc sighed.
“I don’t know what we were, but we’re more than friends right now, yes,” he said, surprising me with his candor.
That was replaced by a flash of horror when I saw the same emotion mirrored on Jude’s face. “Oh, Jesus, seriously?”
Marc stared at him with a frown. “I don’t know why it would be your business in the first place, but it’s certainly not enough of your business for you to get upset.”
Jude looked at me and I knew what he was thinking; the moment that was at the forefront of his mind. “Reggie, I—”
“Don’t,” I warned him.
Don’t take this on yourself, kid, I wanted to say.
Don’t blame yourself now any more than you should have when you kissed me.
You didn’t know, just like I didn’t know what you were feeling, even though I should have been paying more attention.
And definitely don’t bring it up now, not when Marc and I’s emotions were already running high and there was a whole group of people standing only a few yards away.
“Reggie,” he repeated, and then ducked his head when I gave him a dirty look.
“What…is going on?” Marc asked slowly, looking between the two of us suspiciously.
“Nothing,” I said and winced at the lie and how obvious it was. “Well…something, but this isn’t the time or place to get into it, Marc. We just need to finish this trip up and we can—”
“I think something that’s bothering both of you feels more important than getting back to Arete peacefully,” Marc said, and I groaned when I could see him getting stubborn.
It wasn’t often he became unreasonable about something, but I didn’t think even God himself could make Marc back off when he was determined to get what he wanted, and he was getting that look on his face.
Jude’s fear turned to panic, and he took a step away from his father. “Look, Dad, it’s… Reggie’s right, it’s nothing we need to talk about right now.”
“I think we might need to,” Marc said, his jaw tightening. “Because it sounds to me like there’s something you haven’t been telling me, most of all you, Reggie. You agreed that if something happened with Jude that—”
“You needed to know about, I would tell you, yes,” I interrupted quietly. “And while I was going to tell you, I didn’t think this trip was the right time. So, stop getting pissed off and listen to me, please.”
“So, you were keeping something from me,” Marc ground out, and I could see the anger spreading behind his eyes like a wildfire. “How long have you been doing this?”
Panic clawed at my chest as he took a step and then another away from me.
Marc never retreated when he was angry, and the only reason I could think of that he did now was because he couldn’t stand to be near me.
God, if he thought he was mad at me now, I couldn’t imagine how livid he would be when I told him the truth.
“I’m sorry,” Jude whispered frantically, and I could see the panic I was feeling reflected and magnified in his eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, Dad…I didn’t—”
Marc growled and turned to face the rock wall, staring up toward the top. “So, it was both of you then? Okay…okay.”
He was trying to get himself under control, which was a good sign because it might mean he realized he could be overreacting and needed to listen to us before he committed to his reaction.
The problem was, Jude wasn’t seeing it that way, and I could see his panic rising as he took another stuttering step back and—
“Whoa, watch it!” I barked as his heel hit the edge of the path, and it crumbled under his weight.
Electricity shot through me in a painful jolt as time slowed to a crawl. Jude tipped back, his arms pinwheeling as he struggled futilely to bring himself back to his feet. Gravity was going to win, and I could see Marc snapping around at my cry and Jude’s yelp of fear.
I moved before I realized what I was doing, snatching Jude’s arm and yanking him toward the wall. It was more strength than I meant, but it successfully brought him back, and I didn’t see it, but I was sure he hit the rock wall with an unpleasant force.
I didn’t see it for myself because, well, physics was an uncaring and sometimes cruel mistress.
I had saved him, using my weight and strength to bring him back, but it meant that I had also flung myself forward.
Instinct twisted me around, desperate to grab hold of something, but there was nothing but air as I tilted over the edge that had almost claimed Jude.
I heard a cry that might have come from me, maybe from someone else, but its desperation and terror was clear.
For one heart-freezing moment, I remembered coming home years ago and finding Malcolm’s unmoving body sprawled at an awkward angle on the couch.
He had been half hanging off it, his eyes wide open and filled with blood.
The scream ripped out of me as I had flown across the room to collapse beside him, holding his cold body and shaking it as I screamed just like that.
Except I didn’t fall immediately; I watched the ledge disappear and faced a wall of rocks instead.
Then something closed around my wrist, and I was yanked, slamming into the wall and then slid down a little further.
I looked up to see Marc dangling dangerously off the ledge as he held onto my wrist with a grip that ached, but it was the best feeling in the world as I scrambled to find purchase.
“I got you,” he said in a tight voice, but his eyes widened when the ledge he was dangling over crumbled, and just before it gave way, he managed, “Oh fu—”
Once more I was tumbling into the abyss, but this time it was with Marc’s hand closed around me. Somehow, against all logic, I felt him closer, his arms holding me tight…and we fell together.