Chapter 8 The Age Between Us
Twenty-Eight Years of Difference
Nathaniel had always been good with numbers.
He trusted them because numbers didn't pretend.
They told him what a building was worth, how much a project would cost, how long an investment could take to mature, and how much risk he was accepting before he signed anything.
Numbers gave him something solid to hold on to.
That was why the age gap between him and Evan had begun bothering him more than he wanted to admit.
Eighteen years.
Nathaniel was forty-one.
Evan was twenty-three.
The difference looked simple when written down.
It didn't feel simple when Nathaniel watched Evan moving through the house.
Evan was young enough to still be discovering parts of himself.
Nathaniel had already spent almost two decades building a life, surviving failures, making difficult choices, and becoming the man he was now.
They had lived different versions of adulthood.
That truth became impossible for Nathaniel to ignore one evening when he returned home early from a meeting.
Evan was sitting in the living room with his laptop open.
He was laughing at something on the screen.
Nathaniel stopped in the doorway.
Evan looked up.
"You're home early."
"The meeting ended sooner than expected."
Evan closed his laptop.
"Good."
Nathaniel watched him.
"What?"
"Nothing."
Evan narrowed his eyes.
"You've been doing that lately."
"Doing what?"
"Looking at me like you're trying to solve a problem."
Nathaniel gave a humorless smile.
"Maybe I am."
Evan closed the laptop completely.
"Then tell me what the problem is."
Nathaniel sat across from him.
For several seconds, he didn't speak.
Then he said, "We're eighteen years apart."
Evan blinked.
"I know."
"I don't think you understand what that means."
Evan leaned back.
"I understand exactly what it means."
Nathaniel shook his head.
"I don't think I do."
Evan waited.
Nathaniel looked down at his hands.
"When I was twenty-three, I was nothing like you."
"You didn't have to be."
"I was already working twelve-hour days. I had just started building my company. I thought I knew everything."
"You probably thought you knew everything at forty too."
Nathaniel smiled despite himself.
"Maybe."
Evan's expression softened.
"So why are we talking about this now?"
"Because I've been thinking."
"That's usually dangerous."
Nathaniel almost laughed.
Instead, he looked at Evan seriously.
"You have your whole life ahead of you."
"So do you."
"It's not the same."
"Why?"
"Because I've already lived a large part of mine."
Evan stared at him.
Nathaniel continued.
"I've made choices that shaped the person I became. I've had relationships. I've built businesses. I've accumulated wealth. I've developed habits that aren't easy to change."
"And?"
"And you're still figuring out what you want."
Evan's expression tightened.
"You think I don't know what I want?"
"I think you know what you want now."
"That's enough."
"It should be."
Nathaniel looked away.
"But I'm afraid it won't always be."
Evan was silent.
Nathaniel knew he was hurting him.
He hated that.
But pretending everything was uncomplicated would be worse.
"There are things you haven't experienced yet," Nathaniel said. "Places you haven't been. People you haven't met. Versions of yourself you haven't discovered."
Evan's voice was quiet.
"And you think I should leave you because of that?"
"I think you should have the freedom to discover them without wondering whether you've built your life around someone else's."
Evan stood.
Nathaniel watched him pace toward the window.
"You keep talking about my life as though you know what I want better than I do."
"I don't."
"Then stop deciding what I'll regret."
Nathaniel stood as well.
"I'm not deciding."
"You are."
Evan turned toward him.
"You keep telling me I'm young, inexperienced, and still figuring myself out. But you never ask whether I actually want the life you're imagining for me."
Nathaniel felt the words land.
"I worry about the power difference."
Evan's expression changed.
"What power difference?"
"I'm wealthy."
"I know."
"I'm older."
"I know."
"I own this house."
"I live here because we agreed to it."
"You're carrying my child."
"And?"
Nathaniel looked at him.
"That gives me responsibilities."
"It doesn't give you authority over me."
"I know."
"Do you?"
Nathaniel fell silent.
Evan crossed his arms.
"You've never told me where I can work. You've never controlled my money. You've never told me who I can see. You've respected every boundary I've given you."
"Because I want to."
"Then why are you treating our relationship like some kind of imbalance that I can't understand?"
Nathaniel had no easy answer.
Because the truth was that he was afraid.
Not of Evan.
Of himself.
He knew what money could do to a relationship.
He knew how easily financial security could become dependence.
He knew how easily protection could become control.
He knew how easily a younger partner could begin adapting his life around an older one without realizing how much he had surrendered.
Nathaniel didn't want that for Evan.
"I don't want you to wake up one day and realize you gave up something important for me."
Evan's voice softened.
"What do you think I would give up?"
"Possibilities."
"Which ones?"
Nathaniel couldn't answer.
Because he didn't know.
That was the problem.
He didn't know what Evan's future could have been.
He only knew that Evan was twenty-three and Nathaniel was forty-one.
There were eighteen years between them.
Eighteen years of experiences that could never be repeated.
Eighteen years Nathaniel had already lived.
Evan might eventually want something Nathaniel couldn't give him.
Nathaniel might be ready for quiet while Evan wanted adventure.
Nathaniel might want stability while Evan wanted to take risks.
Nathaniel might age into one version of himself while Evan grew into another.
The thought frightened him.
Not because Nathaniel doubted Evan's feelings.
Because he knew people changed.
And love didn't always prevent that.
"I don't want to become the reason you wonder who you could have been," Nathaniel said.
Evan's expression softened, but he didn't look convinced.
"You think I'm choosing you because I'm confused."
"No."
"Because I'm young."
"No."
"Because I'm pregnant."
"Absolutely not."
"Then what?"
Nathaniel looked at him.
"I think you love me."
Evan went still.
Nathaniel's voice dropped.
"And that scares me."
The room became quiet.
Evan's eyes searched his face.
"Why?"
"Because I love you too."
Evan inhaled sharply.
Nathaniel hadn't intended to say it.
Not yet.
But once the words existed between them, he couldn't take them back.
"I love you," Nathaniel repeated. "And that means I have to think about what is best for you, even if what is best for you isn't me."
Evan's eyes filled with emotion.
"You don't get to make that decision."
"I know."
"Then don't."
Nathaniel looked away.
"I don't know how."
Evan stepped closer.
"Then learn."
Nathaniel stared at him.
Evan's voice trembled, but he remained firm.
"I know you're older than me. I know you're richer than me. I know you've lived through things I haven't. None of that is a secret."
"I know."
"I also know who I am."
Nathaniel said nothing.
Evan continued.
"I know what I want. I know what I don't want. I know what kind of life I want to build."
He placed a hand over his stomach.
"And I know I want you in it."
Nathaniel's chest tightened.
"You're twenty-three."
"Yes."
"And I'm forty-one."
"Yes."
"You don't know what you'll feel at thirty."
"No."
"Or thirty-five."
"No."
"Or forty."
Evan held his gaze.
"Neither do you."
Nathaniel almost smiled.
That was true.
Neither of them knew what the future would bring.
But the uncertainty was exactly what frightened him.
Evan stepped closer.
"If you want to leave me because you don't love me, tell me."
Nathaniel's throat tightened.
"But don't leave because you're afraid I might regret loving you."
Nathaniel looked at him.
"I don't want to hurt you."
"You will hurt me if you decide for me."
The words struck harder than Nathaniel expected.
Evan's eyes were wet now.
"I don't need you to guarantee that I'll never change. I don't need you to promise that our lives will always be easy. I need you to believe that I'm capable of choosing you."
Nathaniel closed his eyes briefly.
He wanted to believe it.
He did believe it.
But fear was still there.
"What if you regret this?"
Evan answered quietly.
"Then I'll face that when it happens."
Nathaniel opened his eyes.
"But I'm not there now."
Evan took another step toward him.
"Right now, I'm here."
Nathaniel looked at him.
Right now.
That was all Evan was asking him to respect.
Not a guarantee for the next twenty years.
Not a promise that nothing would ever change.
Just the truth of what they were choosing now.
Nathaniel wanted to accept that.
He wanted to stop calculating every possible future consequence and simply believe the man standing in front of him.
But the fear remained.
The age gap remained.
The money remained.
The history with Richard remained.
The possibility that Evan might someday wake up and wonder why he had chosen a man eighteen years older remained.
Nathaniel understood that none of those fears could be solved by pretending they didn't exist.
And yet, as he looked at Evan, another truth became impossible to ignore.
If he ended the relationship now, it wouldn't be because he didn't love Evan.
It would be because he was afraid of loving him.
Nathaniel had spent his life making decisions based on risk.
This was one risk he couldn't calculate.
He looked at Evan for a long moment.
"I need time."
Evan nodded slowly.
"For what?"
Nathaniel struggled to say it.
"To decide whether I can love you without letting my fear make your choices for you."
Evan's expression softened.
"Then take the time."
Nathaniel nodded.
But when Evan walked away, Nathaniel knew what he was considering.
Ending their relationship before Evan became even more emotionally invested.
Before the pregnancy advanced.
Before the family found out.