Chapter 7 #2
‘Do you have company?’ she asked, inclining her head towards the two mugs on the coffee table. My eyes flitted to Joe’s hot chocolate, only just realising that I must have made him one too out of habit. It was still full, a cold skin wrinkled across the top.
‘Nope.’ My gaze roamed guiltily around the room, like I was half expecting Joe to appear at any moment. I stared at the empty doorway until I saw Alice watching me, her eyes narrowed.
‘OK, what is going on here, Jenny?’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked innocently, busying myself with some unnecessary plumping of the sofa cushions.
‘Something is up. You’ve had this mysterious, sneaking-around act going on for months now,’ she said, flapping her hand in my general direction as though proving her point. ‘Have you met someone new and you’re afraid to tell us, is that it?’
‘ What?! Of course not!’ I spluttered, furious at the implication that Joe was somehow replaceable.
‘It’s OK if you have, Jenny. In fact, it’s perfectly natural,’ Alice insisted, her voice doing that soft, cajoling thing people do when trying to convince you of something.
Natural? There was nothing natural about the prospect of me dating someone who wasn’t Joe.
About thinking that I could find even a fraction of what he and I’d had together with someone else.
In fact, it was almost – laughable. A giggle escaped between my lips before I could stop it, and I watched as Alice and Jacob shared a concerned look.
Alice nodded her head in my direction, giving Jacob a stern eyeballing until he turned off the TV.
‘Jenny, you know you can tell us anything, right? We’re not going to judge,’ he said encouragingly.
‘Unless you’re dating someone who doesn’t like Beyoncé, in which case I cannot be held responsible for my actions.
’ I knew he was joking, trying to lighten the awkward atmosphere in the room, but anger flooded through my veins, hot and fiery.
‘I am not seeing anyone,’ I insisted through clenched teeth, but as I spoke, all the fight seemed to drain out of me and I slumped on the sofa next to Jacob.
I was exhausted. Tired of feeling like I was living a double life.
Of carrying this huge secret around with me, the weight of it growing heavier every day. Would it be so bad if I told them?
Yes, it would. They’ll probably check you straight into the psychiatric ward.
But they were my best friends. Surely they’d understand?
Understand that you’ve gone completely crackers.
I screwed my eyes up, trying to block out the unhelpfully sassy voice of reason currently perched atop her high horse in my head.
‘OK, maybe I have been seeing someone,’ I admitted quietly, my fingers twisting themselves into an anxious tangle in my lap.
‘I knew it! See, I told you, Jacob, didn’t I tell you?’ Alice squealed, giving Jacob an I-told-you-so smack across the shoulder.
‘I was the one who suggested it in the first place,’ Jacob tutted, jabbing his ice-cream spoon accusingly at his sister before going in for another helping of Cookie Dough. ‘So come on then, what’s his name?’
I was going to need some liquid courage for this.
I reached over, grabbing the bottle of rosé and giving silent thanks for Jacob’s penchant for screw tops as I flicked the lid off and proceeded to glug several mouthfuls straight from the bottle.
The crisp flavours of summer fruits and peach blossom exploded in my mouth, the room-temperature wine gliding a little too easily down my throat.
OK, deep breath.
‘It’s Joe.’
The seconds ticked by. Mum’s grandfather clock in the hall, which we’d inherited from the previous landlord, marked each uncomfortable second as the silence stretched on. Jacob spoke first.
‘Huh. I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer here or anything, but could you not have picked someone with a different name? Bradley. Theodore. Ordinarily I would immediately veto a Boris for obvious reasons—’ he threw us an am-I-right eyebrow, ‘—but in this case, I’d make an exception.’
‘Yeah, I’m not sure that’s super healthy, Jenny,’ Alice said slowly, hesitating over every word as though unsure of my reaction.
Christ, if you think that’s unhealthy, just wait until you hear I’ve been talking to my dead fiancé for the past five months!
I fidgeted awkwardly on the sofa, my stomach twisting in similar knots to those I was currently tying into the tasselled hem of the blanket.
‘It’s not a different Joe.’ I cringed as I listened to the words coming out of my mouth. Even I could hear how crazy it sounded.
‘What do you mean, it’s not a different Joe?’ Jacob frowned, his confused expression a mirror image of his sister’s. Bloody hell, how were they not getting this?!
‘I’ve been seeing Joe. As in my Joe,’ I stressed slowly, wanting to make it crystal clear as I knew there’d be no way I could go through this twice.
Jacob dropped his spoon, the metal rattling against the glass-topped coffee table as his mouth hung open.
His expression would be comical if it weren’t in response to my possible confession of insanity.
Alice just blinked at me. Repeatedly. Her eyes scanned my face as though trying to process what I’d just said. Shit, this was worse than I thought.
‘OK,’ she said slowly, coming over to perch on the armrest. She took both of my hands in hers, waiting me out until I was forced to look up into those giant green eyes of hers.
They were full of sympathy and understanding, and just a hint of sadness that made my stomach turn over.
‘This is a totally natural response to bereavement, Jenny, it’s nothing to worry about.
Studies have shown that over 80% of elderly people experience hallucinations associated with their deceased partner for up to several weeks after their passing, their perception yet to catch up with the reality of their death.
We call them grief hallucinations,’ she explained calmly, full doctor mode initiated.
‘Yeah, well, how about five months?’
Alice’s eyes narrowed a fraction. ‘You’ve been seeing Joe this whole time?’ She swallowed audibly, a crease appearing on her normally wrinkle-free forehead.
‘Since the funeral,’ I admitted, my cheeks burning.
‘Are they just visual hallucinations or auditory?’
‘Both.’
‘Have you been having migraines? Any flickering in your vision?’
I shook my head silently.
‘What about trouble sleeping?’
‘I mean, no more than usual.’ I shrugged, watching Alice bite her lip as she mentally ran through numerous textbooks and research studies in her head, searching for the correct diagnosis.
‘Hang on, rewind a second. Are you saying that—’
‘God, keep up Jacob. She’s been seeing visions of Joe, OK?’ Alice snapped impatiently.
‘But that’s just it, they don’t feel like visions,’ I insisted, looking at both of them in turn.
‘He is Joe. He walks like Joe, makes the same bad jokes as Joe, even does that annoying head tilt thing Joe always did whenever he knew he was right about something.’ Jacob nodded as though he knew exactly what I meant.
‘And I know how crazy this sounds – trust me, I do – but it even feels like Joe. I mean, not physically, obviously, but I can’t describe it.
It just feels right.’ I could feel Alice staring at me, analysing every little move I made.
‘Is he here right now?’ she asked, her eyes trained on my face whilst Jacob’s roamed hopefully about the room.
‘He was, before you guys arrived,’ I admitted with a sigh.
‘He disappears when I’m around anyone that knew him.
’ Alice nodded, as if I’d just ticked one of the boxes on her mental checklist and I winced, realising how pathetic I sounded.
Like a little girl trying to explain how her imaginary friend conveniently only appeared when they were alone.
‘So, that’s why you’ve been so flaky these past few months?
’ Jacob asked, putting two and two together.
I nodded meekly, embarrassed by my own admission.
That I’d chosen to spend time with my dead fiancé over my best friends.
We all sat in silence for a minute, the weight of what I’d just admitted hanging over us until Jacob broke the ice.
‘Well, that’s good. I was starting to think it was a whole Sarah Jessica-Parker/Kim Cattrall situation and you’d just gone off us!’
‘I can call in a favour at work and get you an appointment with Dr Thomas on Monday,’ Alice announced, springing into action and pulling out her phone. ‘He’s one of the best psychiatrists in the country.’
‘A psychiatrist? So, you think I’m crazy?’ My voice was sharp, defensive.
‘Of course not,’ Alice said quickly, her thumbs pausing their furious typing to throw me a reassuring look. ‘But hallucinations are a psychological symptom, Jenny. After an initial assessment, Dr Thomas will be able to put together a treatment plan for you to help stop the visions.’
I fiddled with my fingers some more, my eyes falling once again on Joe’s Star Wars mug.
‘What if I don’t want them to stop?’ I whispered, almost afraid to admit it. But it was the truth. The very thought of not seeing Joe again, real or otherwise, was enough to make me want to curl up into a ball and never emerge. Jacob’s hand came to rest on my jittering knee.
‘Jenny, you know that it’s not real, right? Joe’s gone.’ His words were gentle, careful, as though he were afraid of saying the wrong thing.
‘I know that,’ I snapped, getting to my feet and pacing about the room.
And I did know. Deep, deep down. In a place I didn’t allow myself to think about very often, because I feared what might happen if I did.
That I’d wake up one day and Joe would just be – gone.
I turned sharply, cursing as the loose oversized hem of Joe’s t-shirt caught against Jacob’s wine glass, spilling the contents over the floor.