Chapter 13
I have this theory about love. It’s all-consuming, somewhere along the way creeping into every nook and cranny, colouring every memory with its distinctive rosy hue.
It’s bold and unapologetic, not afraid to make mistakes or colour outside the lines, until one day you realise you can’t see someone walking down the street swinging an orange Sainsbury’s Bag for Life without remembering the argument you and your other half had one time in aisle six.
When they couldn’t make a decision on what to have for dinner and you stormed off, but they eventually tracked you down in the ice-cream section, holding a bouquet of flowers and the ingredients for pasta pesto.
And that’s cute when they’re around, a funny anecdote to entertain friends with over dinner, or a shared glance exchanged outside a Sainsbury’s Local reminding you of it all over again.
But what happens when they’re gone? Where does that leave you?
Broken? Incomplete? Immobilised, like I was right now?
Forgetting why I’d even come into the pub storeroom to begin with as the naked lightbulb swung back and forth above me, illuminating the dingy three-metre by three-metre concrete floor where one New Year’s Eve Joe and I had made love.
I shivered as I remembered how the cool stone had felt beneath my bare legs, the pleasant weight of Joe’s body on top of me, all his parts slotting neatly between mine as though we’d been moulded specifically with each other in mind.
My hand reached up, finding the spot on the back of my head that had bashed repeatedly against the side of a beer keg, the rhythmic clanging of metal drowned out by a distant, muffled cheer of Happy New Year and the cry of Joe’s name escaping between my lips.
‘Penny for your thoughts?’
I glanced over at Joe who was perched atop a stack of cardboard boxes, the memory fading to nothing in the musty air between us.
Warmth bloomed across my cheeks. We both knew that he knew exactly what I’d been thinking.
But we continued the charade all the same, neither of us wanting to pop the bubble by acknowledging Joe’s unnatural ability to read my mind.
I pouted. ‘They’re worth more than that, don’t you think?’
A smile flickered across Joe’s lips as he got to his feet, stalking slowly across the room towards me.
He moved one step closer and then another, something hot and fiery crackling behind his lashes as his continued advances forced me to retreat, a breath escaping my lips as the heel of my shoe hit the hard wooden edge of the wine rack that ran the entire length of the wall.
He’d backed me into a corner. Quite literally.
And there was nowhere on earth that I would rather be.
‘They’re fucking priceless,’ he whispered in my ear, ducking his head to the space where my neck met my shoulder.
He inhaled, a low moan rumbling through him as though my scent alone would be his undoing.
I closed my eyes, chest heaving with longing as I sensed his hands brace against the wooden beam above my head, physically restraining himself from getting any closer.
When I opened them again his nose was hovering a millimetre from mine, so close that my fingers itched to grab great fistfuls of his jumper and yank him towards me.
Joe’s lips parted, his smile widening in recollection.
‘Especially the ones where you’re naked and I’m doing that thing you like with my—’
‘Jenny!’
Our eyes swivelled towards the door just as the old metal handle started to turn.
My breath caught in my throat, echoing around the musty, cobweb-filled storeroom as my heart hammered against my ribcage, the way it always did when I knew Joe was about to leave me.
Again. I stared up at him, his chin dipping slightly to the wool of his jumper as he smiled.
A smile that said I’ll see you soon, then.
‘There you are,’ Matt sighed, opening the door just enough to crane his ruddy-cheeked face around. He frowned at me. ‘You OK? Look a little flushed .?.?.’
I puffed a stray strand of hair out of my face, my eyes fixed on the patch of concrete floor where Joe had been standing, as though if I stared hard enough, he might reappear. ‘Fine,’ I eventually croaked, a chill setting deep in my bones.
Matt just nodded, apparently satisfied with my monosyllabic response.
‘We need more of the Chardonnay too, whilst you’re at it.
Oh, and don’t forget the tonic waters,’ he added, nodding his head at the pile of neatly stacked boxes that not two minutes ago Joe had been sat on.
Tonic water. That’s why I’d come in here.
‘On it,’ I said with a tight smile, bending down and running my palm over the top of the cold cardboard before hoisting two boxes onto my hip.
You’d think I’d be used to it by now. Joe being there one second and the next, just not.
Gone in the blink of an eye, in a single heartbeat.
But it never got any easier. Having someone you love taken from you prematurely.
I carried the boxes back to the bar, repeating the journey four times over, something heavy turning over in my chest every time I entered the empty room.
I don’t really know how I spotted him. It was mid-Saturday afternoon, and some football match Matt informed me was a big deal was showing, so the pub was packed, people spilling out into the beer garden for the first time this year.
Maybe it was the raucous cheer as someone scored that made me look up at precisely the right moment.
Or maybe it was something else. The same something that caused a familiar tingle to shoot down the length of my spine as I saw Luca stood in the flagstone entrance, hands buried in his pockets, gaze roaming about the room.
I’d not seen him since the whole Joe revelation.
He’d tried calling. Twice. But I didn’t want to have to explain myself.
To admit that I’d let him believe my fiancé was still very much alive because the simple truth was just too painful to voice out loud.
But also because I liked the idea that Joe and I, together, still existed in someone’s reality. Even if it wasn’t mine.
My heart began to race. I had about three seconds before he spotted me.
And so, I did what any self-respecting thirty-year-old woman would do in my situation and dropped to the floor so fast that I fell smack on my arse.
My head whipped one way and then the other, desperately searching for an escape route, but the pile of yet-to-be-unpacked boxes was still blocking the doorway, meaning there was no way around without standing up in Luca’s direct line of vision. And that was not an option.
‘Err, you OK down there?’ Matt asked, frowning down at me as though I were an unwelcome bit of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe. A snicker from where Jacob was perched on a stool told me he’d already clocked Luca.
‘Stop looking at me!’ I hissed, slapping the backs of Matt’s legs until he turned to face forwards, staring bewilderedly at Jacob in the hope he might provide some answers. ‘Talk to me, Jacob,’ I barked.
I heard Jacob’s stool creak, picturing him doing his classic fake upper-body stretch, arms splayed out wide, body twisting from side to side as he snuck a glance over each shoulder whilst causing everyone within a 20-foot radius to turn and stare in his direction. Subtle it was not.
‘Target six o’clock. Approximate distance 25 feet. He’s reaching for something in his jacket .?.?. God, it should be illegal for anyone that hot to wear leather. It’s really not fair on the rest of us.’
‘ Jacob! ’ I growled, wrinkling my nose at something foul-smelling in the bin beside me.
‘Right, sorry. He’s coming this way, 20 feet and closing in .?.?.’
I crouched lower to avoid detection. ‘Remember, I’m not here. Got it?’
‘Yes, got it,’ Matt huffed, moving out of reach of my hands.
‘15 feet,’ Jacob confirmed. I hugged my knees tighter to my chest. ‘10 feet. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1—’
‘All right, Jacob.’
I wedged myself further into the cut-out space underneath the sink as Luca’s voice echoed directly above me.
Matt’s eyes flicked between me and Luca, with the furrowed brow of someone trying to solve a complicated maths equation at the sight of his grown-ass sister contorting herself into a painful-looking position that she’d most likely need assistance getting out of.
‘Luca? Fancy seeing you here!’ I winced at Jacob’s over-the-top, not at all casual greeting. The man couldn’t do subtle if his life depended on it.
‘Don’t think we’ve met. I’m Matt, Jenny’s brother,’ Matt said, extending a hand across the bar.
‘Luca.’
‘What can I get for you, Luca?’ Matt asked.
‘I was hoping to catch Jenny. Is she working today?’
‘I’ve not seen her,’ Jacob blurted out quickly. A little too quickly. I rolled my eyes, grateful for Matt’s more measured response.
‘She’s not working today,’ he confirmed, sneaking a quick wink down at me. I jabbed two fingers towards my eyes and pointed sharply upwards. ‘She helps out every now and then but she’s better at drinking the drinks than pouring them, if you know what I mean!’
Matt winced, his right leg buckling slightly as I uncurled one of my feet from where it was wedged beneath my bum and rewarded him with a sharp jab to the shin.
‘Yep, I sure do,’ Luca chuckled knowingly. I frowned. What the hell did that mean?
‘Now there’s a story I want to hear,’ Jacob said eagerly, stool legs jarring gratingly against the floor as he scooted closer. My heart leapt up into my throat. I still hadn’t told Jacob and Alice about the whole sleepover at Luca’s and I planned on keeping it that way.