Chapter 4 Walker
WALKER
“Ah, it hurts but feels so good,” I groaned as I pushed the bar back up and set it on the hooks.
Above me, Cade leaned over and smirked. “Not been workin’ out, huh?”
“Not really,” I admitted as I peered up at him. I would have been content to lie there and catch my breath, to savor the ache radiating through my body, but now Cade didn’t have to watch me like a hawk; he was getting a little close.
Being close wasn’t the problem; I could deal with him of all people being close, mostly.
The real problem was that he was wearing loose pants, and his position meant his groin was hovering over my face.
The last thing I needed was for his crotch to be right there.
I could keep my attention on something else while I was lifting a lot of weight, but it was an entirely different matter when I was trying to recover from overdoing it.
I had already found my strength flagging when he got close, and I’d realized, loose pants or not, there was more than enough for me to eyeball if I was interested.
It was obvious only to me, thankfully. Not that I hadn’t seen him in various states of undress before, including naked.
Being out in the field meant you couldn’t afford to be modest, especially with the guys you were working, sleeping, and fighting beside.
Sometimes the only way to get into one of the rare showers was with one of your teammates.
That had never been a problem until I’d joined Cade’s team, but that had mostly been because I’d grown so close to them.
Eventually I grew used to it, all it took was creating a mental barrier in my head so that even if I was sharing an enclosed space with someone whose body would have been incredibly distracting in any other circumstance, it made it part of the normal background.
That had worked for everyone on the team…
except Cade. I had never actually showered with him, but I remembered waiting outside the rickety shower stall with Kines while Cade had taken a quick shower.
It was more efficient to shower in pairs, but that wasn’t the case when Cade was involved.
The guy was just too damn big for a shower partner.
I hadn’t thought anything of it while I’d waited with Kines, until Cade had emerged, naked as the day he was born.
If Kines noticed the moment I’d spotted Cade emerging from the shower, skin gleaming from the water in the dry afternoon sun, every impressive part of his body on full display, he had never once said anything.
I had only hoped he hadn’t been looking at me because even the densest of people wouldn’t miss my brain short-circuiting as I took in the sight.
I was older, but that didn’t mean I wanted to tempt fate.
It was nice to have Cade in my life again without complicating things.
I was hopefully capable of more self-control than when I was younger, but with that came the understanding that avoiding the fire was the best way to avoid the temptation to play with it.
“If I’d known that, I would’ve made you stop sooner,” he chuckled as I sat up, trying to be covert about doing it as quickly as possible. “You’re gonna be feelin’ that one later.”
“Probably,” I admitted, not regretting it in the slightest. There were plenty of ways to deal with the mess that filled my head sometimes, and I’d found out a long time ago that physical exertion was one of the more effective.
Not that it made it go away. Oh no, I could never quite shut up the awful voices in my head.
I could take some of their strength, though, and that was what I really wanted. “But it was totally worth it.”
“Ya say that now.”
“And when I’m laid up later, regretting my life choices, I might say I regret doing this. That won’t stop me from doing it again, though.”
“Heh, ya sound like Clay.”
“Do I?” I asked as I got off the bench to retrieve a towel.
“He was bad about workin’ out when he was bothered by stuff,” Cade said, then looked uncomfortable. “Not that ya were bothered or nothin’.”
I snorted. “I’d forgotten you were like this.”
“Like what?” he asked with a frown.
I busied myself wiping down the bench and the bar for good measure.
“Just…I remember being prepared for you to be a hardass. It wouldn’t be unheard of for a team leader to come down hard on their team, especially someone new.
Just a way to keep everyone in line and test the new guy.
But you weren’t like that at all, and the only time you ever came down on anyone was when it was really necessary.
From the start, you were happy to have me join you guys, and I remember how much that confused me.
And now you’re worrying that you upset me because I, someone in a place whose selling point is to help people with issues, might be bothered that you suggested I was bothered by my problems.”
He wrinkled his nose. “I knew some guys like that; I never liked most of ’em. Some were good guys who thought bein’ hard was the best way to keep their men in line, but I never got that. That’s what boot was for, not bein’ with a team.”
“I’m not disagreeing,” I said as I tossed the paper towel into the trash. “I’m just saying it wasn’t what I expected. And it’s been years, so I guess I kind of forgot how, I don’t know, nervous you can be by the idea of upsetting someone.”
“Not always,” he said with a grin.
No, I had to admit that was true. Despite how friendly and warm he was, there were times when he wasn’t worried about upsetting people.
Usually, he wasn’t worried if someone thought he was weird or too friendly, because he’d always been comfortable with who he was.
Other times, though, when someone pissed him off, he didn’t care if he said something that pissed someone else off.
That was even truer when someone hurt someone he cared about.
Then the lovable Care Bear went right out the window, and a furious grizzly took its place.
“But usually,” I said with a chuckle, grabbing my bottle of water and taking a deep drink. “I won’t lie. If it weren’t for the fact that I know what happened, I’d wonder why you were even here.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Huh, dunno why.”
I rolled my eyes and threw the bottle away. “Probably because you’re basically the same person I met years ago. I guess it doesn’t hurt that I know you well enough, or at least the guy you were back then, that you also use your warm fuzziness to bury shit.”
“I do not,” he protested, but there was no actual heart in it.
“Uh-huh. I remember when that girl you had after I joined the team ended things,” I said and then snorted. “Alright, you ended things, but only because you found out she wasn’t willing to wait and found someone else while you were still dating.”
“That’s a nice way of not sayin’ she cheated on me.”
“Well, that was a pretty sore subject for a while there,” I said, remembering how much Cade talked about anything but his ex-girlfriend.
Usually that involved telling a joke to pass it off as less painful than it obviously was, but sometimes it was just him shrugging it off.
“But I remember after that, you were even more. I don’t know, you, for a while. ”
“More me?”
“You know, loud, friendly, talking to people, trying to keep a smile on your face. I thought it was your way of dealing with things, like if you didn’t act sad, then you didn’t have to be sad.
It wasn’t until later that I realized you didn’t want the rest of us to worry about you.
I just never figured out if that was because you didn’t want anyone to worry about you, or if it was because you didn’t want your team to. ”
“Kinda both,” he admitted with a weak shrug.
“Knowing the other guys, it’s probably a good thing you didn’t tell them that,” I said with a snort. “They would have ripped you a new one.”
“Probably.”
“To be fair, they would have killed for the chance to be there for you if you’d let them. No one was going to question your leadership because you were heartbroken, especially over something every single one of us would have been just as hurt over.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“I’m serious,” I told him with a frown.
He snorted. “Ya usually are.”
“Huh?”
“Just sayin’, I haven’t seen ya smile much, and ya don’t laugh anymore either,” he said with a shrug, looking troubled.
“Been spendin’ time with ya for almost two weeks now?
And I barely seen ya do either. Could probably count on my hands how many times I’ve seen ya smile, and ya never have laughed, not really.
A couple of times, but it’s not been like… a real laugh.”
“Things have changed in my life as much as they’ve changed in yours,” I said quietly. “Not in the same way, but they’ve changed.”
“I get that,” he said with another shrug. “Just somethin’ I’ve noticed is all.”
I opened my mouth to ask him if he really got it, but common sense reasserted itself, and I closed it before I asked the stupid question.
If anyone understood what it meant to have your whole life turned on its head, it was Cade.
Just because he’d figured out how to still smile and laugh didn’t mean he hadn’t gone through hell and not come back out.
Maybe that made him a better person than me, or a stronger one, but even if neither was true, I didn’t have the right to call into question whether he was in pain.
I eyed him as he leaned awkwardly. “Your hip bothering you?”
“A little,” he said. “Twinges now and then.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, I remember how much of a PITA you were.”
“I am not.”
“Yes, you are. You could break your leg and insist it didn’t hurt that bad; your guts could pour out, and you’d insist it was an upset stomach.”
“Sounds like my stomach would be pretty upset, though.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Aren’t they offering you physical therapy?”
If he thought I didn’t notice the wary look in his eyes, then he was losing his mind. “I mean…I think they do.”