Cade
I fidgeted outside the closed door, feeling as stupid as I probably looked.
It wasn’t like it was weird for me to go to Walker’s room.
If someone saw me standing there, they’d assume I was just paying him a visit.
It wasn’t a secret that he and I were friends; we had been around each other constantly since he’d first arrived at Arete.
If anything, people would find it weird if I wasn’t around him during our free time.
From what I’d heard people saying when they thought I couldn’t hear them, they were wondering if the reasons I’d been hanging with Clay were like me hanging around Walker all the time.
That both of them were…well, into men, and it was my way of flirting with the other side of things without actually committing.
Which was stupid because Clay wasn’t gay; he was bi.
The difference was still lost on a lot of people even today, but it probably wasn’t helped that Clay didn’t have any opportunity to show he was attracted to women at the resort and for obvious reasons, he hadn’t spoken about his late wife to anyone but me, and eventually Isaac.
That wasn’t why I was outside Walker’s room, though, or why I was being so weird about it instead of just letting him know I was there.
Well, I guess it had something to do with both things.
I was outside his room because I wanted to spend time with him while the place was on an informal lockdown, but I was being weird about it because… I didn’t know how to act around him.
It was more like he didn’t know how to act around me lately.
Ever since I’d tried to help him with Logan, he’d been…
odd. He wasn’t avoiding me or not talking to me; he was just…
quieter than usual. He’d never been the sort who felt the urge to fill a silence, but he didn’t spend time around other people with long stretches of silence.
Was it because I had interfered or because of the naked thing?
Before I could fall down that rabbit hole, I hit the button on the panel outside the door.
I was only imagining there was the sound of rustling from the other side because there was no way sound was getting through the door.
The panel made a soft noise; the door slid open, and Walker peered up at me in confusion.
His hair was ruffled on one side, along with an imprint of a pillow.
He was wearing a pair of pants, and I wondered if he’d just thrown them on before coming to the door, from how low they sat on his otherwise bare torso.
“Hey,” he said in a rough voice that confirmed he had been dead to the world.
“Hey,” I said, momentarily distracted. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen him without a shirt, but this apparently was when I noticed he clearly hadn’t been slacking since leaving the Army.
Despite his height, he had never put on a lot of muscle, or at least not obviously.
Considering he had sparred with all of us, I knew just how much strength his body hid, and he didn’t look like he was in a different shape than when we’d served together.
“Everything okay?” he asked, and I couldn’t hide my smile as I saw him look around, disoriented.
“Must have been a good sleep,” I said, pulling my attention away from the results of his workout routine. “Sorry.”
“I wasn’t trying to sleep,” he said.
“So, ya just lounge around naked and awake then?” I asked with a smirk.
He blinked again. “Huh? How did you—”
I shrugged, gesturing toward his pants, which were twisted on his waist. “Looks like you yanked them on in a hurry and they’re down kinda low, and I don’t see no underwear.”
Walker stared at me, raising a brow and stepping back. “If you’re going to notice random shit like my lack of underwear, how about you get in here before people question your sexuality more than they already do.”
I grunted as I stepped in. “Ya heard that too, huh?”
“The guys here aren’t a lot different from in the Army,” he said with a snort, walking over to the coffee machine and tapping it. “They think they’re slick, but they’re terrible at keeping their nose out of other people’s business, and even worse at being subtle about it.”
“They think they are.”
“Which, again, isn’t that much different.”
“True,” I said, looking around. “You, uh, feelin’ alright?”
He snorted as the machine finally came to life. “I haven’t caught whatever is sweeping through here and leaving grown men curled up in their beds like dearly departing Victorian children.”
“Morbid,” I said, looking around and deciding to take a seat. “When I hadn’t seen ya today, I was worried you were one of them.”
“Not me,” he said with a shrug. “I get sick, maybe once a year, so I’m not worried.”
Which sounded great, but whatever was going through the place was pretty strong.
No one was sure how a bug got in, but there were plenty of staff who left the resort occasionally.
Any of them could have picked it up and brought it back.
Despite how clean the place was, it was still the same people constantly around each other.
It wouldn’t take much for it to work its way through all the guys if it got a foothold.
“I think it was Reggie,” I said as he took the coffee mug out of the machine and held it up. “Yeah, I’ll take one.”
He slid it across the table to me. “Other people leave the resort.”
“Yeah, but everyone keeps sayin’ it was after his last disappearance, and before everyone got sick, he’s disappeared again,” I said with a snort as I sipped the coffee and sighed at the bitter taste. “You an’ your black coffee.”
“Oh, yeah?” he asked, and when I looked up, he was leaning over with two barely used containers, one sugar and the other liquid creamer, that he set down with a snort. “Maybe you should learn some patience.”
“Ya remembered,” I said with a chuckle as I began pouring both.
“That when you have the choice, you like to have coffee with your cream and sugar? Yes, I remembered,” he said as he retrieved his cup of muck.
“Says the guy who drinks motor oil instead o’ coffee,” I muttered as he took a sip.
I could tell from the color he’d made that one even stronger.
Apparently, he’d figured I would accept the first cup and had purposefully made it weaker.
“You, Bassey, and Morrow always drank it like that. We hated when it was y’all’s turn to make the coffee.
Felt like we were gonna be up for days.”
“Nothing wrong with a strong cup,” he said with a chuckle as he took the seat directly across from me rather than the one next to me. It shouldn’t have bothered me, but it added weight to my thoughts that he was trying to avoid me.
“There’s strong, and then there’s whatever the hell y’all make,” I said with a shake of my head. “And you were the worst. First time I had one of your cups, I remembered that time they gave us meth.”
“It wasn’t…” he began in protest and sighed, whatever else he was going to say dying in his throat. “It wasn’t meth.”
“Close the fuck enough,” I snorted. “I felt wired. And then I had your coffee and wondered if maybe they took inspiration from it.”
“Dramatic,” he said softly, but he was smiling.
I glanced over my shoulder toward the bed, seeing the sheets rumpled. “So, accidental nap?”
“Sort of,” he said. “I don’t sleep for a long time. A couple of hours here, a few hours there. I can’t sleep a full night. I’ve grown used to it.”
“Yeah, I don’t really sleep much either. Used to sometimes.” I stopped and wasn’t sure why.
He raised his brow. “What?”
I shrugged, uncomfortable. “I, uh, used to sleep with Clay.”
“I assume, based on your heterosexuality, you mean that in the literal sense.”
“I…what? Oh! Uh, yeah, like actually slept with him,” I said with a sudden laugh. “He definitely tried the other way first, though…a few times. Until he realized it wasn’t gonna happen.”
Walker smiled. “Persistent?”
I thought of Logan and wrinkled my nose. “He wasn’t really tryin’. He’s…I don’t know how to explain ’em. I told him no the first time, and I think every time he tried after that was like…him tryin’ but not, if that makes sense.”
“Going through the motions?”
“Yeah. He’s weird. I used to give ’em shit for bein’ a walkin’ boner but I knew he was more than that. I think he just thought he needed to hit on me for a bit there.”
“Saving face?”
“Yeah, he already had a reputation, and I think he was just…riding that out. But then I had a bad day around him and he stopped.”
“Bad day?” Walker asked lightly.
“I get ’em sometimes,” I said, willing to tell Walker of all people, but it felt weird to admit to them when I tried to keep them from other people.
“It’s like being in a dream, but I know I’m awake.
Everythin’ just gets all messed up and confused in my head.
I know it ain’t real, but it’s like part of me doesn’t, and my body don’t always know which side to pick. ”
Walker’s expression was gentle as he stared into the distance rather than at me, as if that was necessary for me to know he was listening. “I sort of know what you mean.”
“Sorta?”
“Well, it’s more like when I’m dreaming, it feels like I’m awake.
Everything is so real, except none of it’s real; it’s all…
too much. It’s somehow more than real life could ever be.
More intense feelings, more confusing landscapes, and just…
everything is like you said, jumbled together.
On some level, I know it’s not real, but that part of my dreaming mind is tied down, completely helpless to stop what’s happening.
It’s like I’m forced to see it through.”
I lapsed into silence at that; it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, almost friendly, really. Well, maybe not friendly, but…friend like.
Speaking of. “So, uh, you sure you’re alright?”
He blinked, his vision clearing. “What? I mean, other than the obvious, because I’m here, so obviously something has to be wrong with me?”