Cade #3
“I’m being serious,” he said, and there was no doubt in my mind that he was.
He leaned closer, resting one hand on the arm of my chair, and suddenly his intensity was…
confusing. “Get that weird, fucked-up idea out of your head, or at least don’t be stupid enough to say it around me again.
Your leg, your scars? Those aren’t a problem; they’re not grotesque.
They’re signs you’ve been through hell and then came back.
They’re not horrors, they’re stories, and they show how strong and brave you are, and that is more attractive than two whole, flesh and blood legs. ”
“Uh,” I began, because he really was getting closer, and I didn’t know how to feel about that.
“And if people aren’t willing to learn every inch of those scars, to see that they make you beautiful, they can go fuck themselves,” he growled, and I felt my stomach tighten at the sound.
“Because you already have a handsome face, a strong body, a thick ass, and a hell of a nice dick. Those are just additions, but you’ve got plenty.
So just because you haven’t found, or haven’t been willing to find, someone to trace those scars with their tongue to make you understand how hot you are doesn’t mean you aren’t a gorgeous man, got it? ”
“I’m…” I said, leaning back because between the weird feeling and his intensity, I wasn’t sure what to do. “I can’t tell if you’re tryin’ to make me feel better or seduce me.”
The intensity on his face flickered and broke as he realized what he was doing. “I, uh—”
I raised an eyebrow. “You don’t know either, do ya?”
He still didn’t move, frozen as if terrified of what he’d been doing and afraid to do anything decisive. “I said I was having feelings. I guess this got a little…weird.”
“It’s different,” I said, laying my hand on his bare chest. It was warm; no, it was practically radiating heat, and I could feel his muscles were taut.
Now he no longer looked intent on trying to kiss me; his words sank in, and I felt a flutter in my chest that I couldn’t remember feeling…
or at least, couldn’t remember feeling for a while, anyway.
My hand stayed where it was, and Walker was still frozen as I raised a brow. “Er…trace my scars with their tongue?”
If he had been holding off on being embarrassed before, that fight was lost at my words, as his face turned a brilliant shade of red in seconds. “I, uh, was…caught in the moment.”
“I guess so,” I said with a little laugh. A new curiosity was bubbling up in my head, and I couldn’t help but ask, “You, uh, always talk to people ya wanna sleep with like that?”
“No,” he said, drawing back, but my fingers pressing against his collarbone twitched, and he stopped with a confused expression. “I mean, kind of?”
“Kinda?”
His face tightened with frustration. “I’ve been known to do it…sometimes…when I, uh, really am in the…moment.”
“And ya were in the moment just now?”
“Obviously,” he huffed.
I guess it was kind of mean of me to keep asking him questions, but my curiosity was getting the better of me.
It wasn’t the first time a guy had come on to me.
Actually, in the past few years, it had only been men who’d come right out and admitted they were attracted to me, which had been flattering but hadn’t provoked the same curiosity.
I’d also had some women be pretty aggressive, saying that they wanted to sleep with me, though it had been a while.
I couldn’t recall ever having a guy be this blunt and… colorful.
“Were you…gonna try to kiss me?” I wondered.
His frown deepened. “I’m going to be honest with you, Cade, I don’t know what was going on in my head, alright?
I was caught up in the moment, and the moment just…
carried me forward, okay? Just like I don’t know what’s going on right now between us because I’m really confused and don’t know what I’m supposed to do next. ”
I blinked. “What?”
“Because it felt like you weren’t going to stop me, and right now it feels like you’re trying to stop me pulling away,” he said, a desperate note in his voice. “And you’re touching my bare chest even though you know full well that something weird almost just happened on my end.”
I frowned. “It ain’t weird.”
“It’s a little weird.”
“Now hold on a minute. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with you bein’ turned on by someone,” I told him with a scowl. “I don’t care if it’s me. You’re into guys, why wouldn’t you get turned on by me?”
“I’m not saying it’s weird that I got turned on by you, especially when your… Everything was right there on display. And it was kind of hot to see you get all forceful,” he admitted, and the color in his face came back.
I blinked. “Ya liked that?”
“Okay,” he said, drawing away finally, leaving my hand hanging in the air before I had the sense to draw it back. “This is getting weirder than I know how to handle.”
“I’m just askin’ questions,” I said with a huff. “I’m tryin’ to understand, and make sure ya don’t feel bad about it.”
“Bit late on that one,” he said wryly, sitting down again and somehow drawing further away.
“Well, I ain’t upset about it. I don’t get it, no matter what ya said, but I’m not upset,” I told him firmly. “So if ya feel bad, don’t make it about me. That’s comin’ from you.”
He stared before snorting and looking away. “The call is coming from inside the house, huh?”
“Yeah,” I agreed after I thought about what he meant. “I guess it kinda is.”
Walker glanced at me from the corner of his eye. “It really doesn’t bother you that I almost tried to jump you?”
I figured it would be best if I actually thought about my answer rather than giving him the one I already knew; I owed him that much.
It had been surprising; I hadn’t seen it coming, but I couldn’t say it was shocking.
The only shocking thing was that he felt that way about me.
It was only in the past year that I’d stopped thinking of myself as part of a person rather than a whole one, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t aware that other people weren’t going to see me the same way.
Yet he had been willing to hop into my lap without hesitation.
In fact, he probably would have done more if I hadn’t broken the spell.
By itself, that was weird to think about, and not just because someone was willing to do it…
but because it was Walker. I had been trying to put together the lighthearted and happy Walker I had known with the Walker I was dealing with now, whose heart was heavier, his happiness affected by more cynicism and bitterness than before.
Now I had to understand that not only had his past self struggled to be around me because he was into me, but his present self was having the same difficulty.
It did make a few things from the past make more sense.
I hadn’t missed that he had always been wary of being touched by the rest of us, and I knew it was because he’d been hiding his sexuality.
I now knew it was because he’d been fighting like hell to build up his mental walls, and when he’d finally managed it, he had grown comfortable enough to let us be ourselves with him.
Yet even back then I had noticed he hadn’t been as comfortable with me, and he’d always been a little… odd. At least now that made sense.
He had been attracted to me, so much so that he still struggled even with that wall up in his head.
So I guess he had been surprised by the attraction showing back up now, and when I tried to get answers out of him, the time he’d spent trying to build the wall back up hadn’t been enough.
I wasn’t sure what had provoked him to be so…
forward, but all I felt was curiosity and that weird but oddly pleasant squirming in my gut.
I wasn’t upset with him; I wasn’t mad; I wasn’t bothered other than trying to figure out… had I liked it?
“No, I’m not mad at ya, or upset,” I told him, meaning it. Because the bigger question was…was that weird feeling because I wasn’t used to someone being into me after all this time, or because I was… Was I into what Walker had been offering?
If it were anyone else, I wouldn’t have questioned it.
It would have been an instant dismissal of the weird feeling as just circumstance; it was a strange situation after all.
Except it was Walker, and I had always had a weirdness with him.
I still remembered how it had felt for him to sleep with me back in the day.
I hadn’t thought about it much back then because it didn’t seem important, when really it was more important that we were comfortable and got some sleep.
It felt more important now because the weirdness I felt back then was back, except it was stronger, harder to ignore, because of its intensity and because there wasn’t a bunch of potentially life-threatening things waiting around the corner.
Walker squinted at me suspiciously. “Not sure if I should be worried about what you’re thinking or leave well enough alone.”
I snorted. “I’m just thinkin’. I do that sometimes.”
He rolled his eyes. “I know you do; everyone does. Well, maybe not everyone, but I know you do. I told you not to act like an idiot around me, Cade.”
“I know, I know,” I said as placatingly as I dared. “Just a joke.”
“Some jokes aren’t funny,” he muttered in irritation, but considering he didn’t persist, I thought he was mollified.
Even back then, when I had considered him a lighthearted, gentler person than he was now, he had always had a spine of steel stronger than my fake leg, and wasn’t afraid to speak up and give someone a piece of his mind if he was motivated enough.
Usually, it was when someone was being stubborn about getting the medical help they needed, which meant I had been on the receiving end of his temper a few times.
“I got ya,” I said. “Are you, uh, okay?”
“I’m fine,” he said, and I realized he had drawn himself up so that his legs were folded, covering his groin.