Cade #2
He chuckled. “Lemme guess, you were weirded out because it felt like you had to take a shit.”
Well, I guess that backed up my theory that everyone who’d done anal had probably experienced that feeling. “Yeah, and like, no offense, but you’re smaller than me, so I dunno how you get through that ’cause it felt like I hadn’t gone in days and just downed a pot of coffee.”
Walker’s eyes cracked open, and he stared at me before letting out a choked laugh. “Jesus, you really know how to make things sound sexy, don’t you?”
“Well, it’s true,” I muttered, self-conscious now he was laughing at me. “I wasn’t ready for it.”
“Then that would be on me for not warning you,” he said, snickering.
“And I guess I have to admit that you aren’t wrong either.
You’re uh…quite large, but I guess I don’t really get that ‘need to take a shit’ feeling as much anymore.
Just one of those things you get used to.
Well, I guess I notice it, but it’s not as important. ”
I frowned in thought. “So, uh, what does it feel like for ya?”
“When you’re fucking me?”
“Yeah.”
“Besides amazing?”
It was my turn to roll my eyes. “Quit tryin’ to hype me up.”
He chuckled, nuzzling my chest gently. “It feels…I mean, it’s a lot.”
“Yeah, I noticed,” I said dryly, glancing at my dick that was perfectly soft, apparently content from the orgasm, so he wasn’t even stirring despite talking about sex with a man I now could confidently say was attractive in every way possible, and who was also naked and laying against me. “Not at the moment, but usually.”
He snorted. “Well, yeah, there’s a lot of your dick, that’s true.
But I meant the feeling, is well…a lot like your dick, there’s a lot and they’re big.
I just feel so…full. And it’s almost too much; it’s so close to being too much.
Especially when you fuck me. But I stick it out, and once everything works right, I realize it was a damn good idea to wait it out.
Once I get through the ‘too much’ phase, I go to the ‘just right’ phase, and then after a while, I hit the ‘it’s not enough’ phase. ”
I leaned up and frowned. “Not enough?”
“Mmm,” he sighed softly, kissing me gently. “Yeah. Not because you’re not enough, but because by that point, I’m losing my mind and being…well, greedy.”
“Greedy?” I wondered, because even with everything that had changed since I’d known him years ago, greedy was not something I would have added to the personality traits he’d gained.
“Yeah,” he said, smiling again. “Greedy. As in I can’t get enough of you, of your cock, or of you fucking me until I can’t think straight.
When you’re fucking me, it’s like the entire world goes away and all I can think about is what you’re doing, how you’re making me feel, and how I never want it to stop. ”
“And that’s greedy?” I asked, still lost.
“A little,” he said with a chuckle, kissing my chest and sending a fluttery, warm feeling through me.
“I guess it’s because when it’s happening, I feel like there’s no way to get enough.
Like I want more and more and more, and there’s no way to fill that hunger.
Which, when you think about it, is pretty greedy, considering you’re the biggest guy I’ve ever had. ”
I snorted, pushing him over and sprawling on top of him. “Alright, now I get it, ’cause that does sound pretty greedy to me.”
“See? You’re getting it,” he said, wiggling under me.
“Am I crushing you?” I asked, prepared to pull back, but he reached up and took hold of me.
“No,” he said quickly. “It’s comforting. I remember, even as a kid, I liked having a bit of weight on me. Which usually meant, like, using couch cushions to lie under. But I’m a grown-ass adult now, which means I can switch the couch cushions for big, muscley men instead.”
I snorted. “So you’ve just found a new way to use me for my body.”
“Absolutely,” he said primly.
I kissed his chin. “I remember Kines was like that. He always said it was an autism thing.”
“Well, I’ve never come out positive for anything other than PTSD, and I didn’t have that as a kid,” he said with a chuckle. “Not everything is a sign of something bigger or more impactful. Sometimes you just like what you like.”
“Alright,” I said, thinking back. “I remember ya didn’t talk much about your folks.”
“They were…decent parents. Nothing I’m going to write a memoir to show how wonderful they were, but they would not get a call-out for how awful they were either.
They tried their best, I guess, but…I was never close.
And I never really had the chance to get close.
Catelyn and I were always close as kids, though, and that carried into adulthood. ”
“That’s your sister, right?”
“Yeah, younger. She’s got a couple of kids now, a husband, a nice house, a good job, the works.”
I thought about that for a minute before growing quiet. “I guess ya were thinkin’ about her pretty hard when they came knockin’ on your door and threatened ’em, huh?”
“You’re damn right I was,” he said with a sigh.
“She was always trying to help me when she could, but there was nothing to really do, so she had to just let me live my life. Which is how we’ve always handled things with each other.
Even if you don’t agree with what they’re doing, you just have to let them be them.
That was how I felt when she dated that tool of a guy back in college for like…
three years when it should have been three months at most. And that’s how she felt when I started painting a target on my back. ”
Which, of course, was fine and dandy in his mind because danger aimed at him was something he was used to.
Except in this case, the danger came from the people he had once worked for.
He had always been a cautious person, which I’d been told more than once by others, was the best trait you could hope for in a medic.
‘A medic who doesn’t tell you to stop and think is a medic that’s going to get you killed,’ a CO had told me once, and I had always remembered it when it came to Walker.
Even doing goofy, fun stuff around the base, he was the first to chew us out if it was stupid or dangerous enough for him to worry.
When it came down to the wire and we had to walk through fire, he was the first to step up.
He had always been neutral about fighting.
I think on some level he just accepted that was what we were going to do, a lot, and shoved his personal feelings aside.
Yet when it came time to help someone, especially one of our own, he was the first to jump to the front of the line.
It didn’t matter if I was barking at him to back down; he ignored me and hopped into the line of fire to drag someone back to safety.
It wasn’t just our own men he was like that with either.
What should have been a routine patrol through a small village had turned into a brutal firefight when a group was waiting to ambush us.
Luck had been on our side, and they’d caught us where we could safely hunker down and call for reinforcements while holding our position.
Except there had been a family near us, unable to go anywhere because their choice was to come toward us through the bullets, or back down the street into the direct line of fire.
Walker had point-blank told me to go fuck myself when I’d snarled that he was to stay put.
“Remember that family?” I asked suddenly as the memory rose in my head; I could practically feel the heat of the sun. “Ya pissed me off so bad that day. We were pinned down under fire from people who lived in that village, and you just…ya went right in and refused to leave them.”
“All it would have taken was a ricochet or one of those jackasses to throw a grenade or something, and that whole family would have been wiped out,” he said, and I could see the old irritation coming back. “That was the first time you and I ever butted heads.”
“Butted heads? Ya tried to punch me,” I said with a chuckle. “You were so hellbent on savin’ those people, ya didn’t see that it was my job to keep all of us alive and in one piece…fat load of good that did us in the end, eh?”
“Don’t pull the pity card,” he said, not roughly, but not exactly gently either.
“And what you didn’t understand, not even afterward, was that it was something I had to do.
Not as a soldier, but as a man…as a person.
And I remember what you said back then. For the record, I knew that was your job, but that was something that went beyond my job, or my ‘duty’.
It was my obligation. Even if I’d got hurt, it would have been worth it. ”
“Even if they were people who would’ve helped the people shootin’ at us?”
“Sometimes we do things we think are for the greater good that aren’t, or might be but come back and bite us in the ass all the same.”
“Ya think that was for the greater good?”
“It’s fine to pretend we were the good guys, Cade.
Because that’s what everyone does in situations like that, everyone is the good guy in their own head.
But even then, I still wouldn’t have cared.
That was a half-starved man, a terrified woman, and a little boy.
It was the only right thing to do in that situation. ”
“And if one of us had been hurt…or killed tryin’ to help you?
” I asked calmly because the anger from that day, and that argument, was long gone.
It was just that after all this time, I realized I had been missing something important about him back then.
I had been so caught up in being furious at his refusal to follow my orders, at the fear I’d felt when he had leaped into action and half my team had formed up as if sharing one mind to help him, and all for what?
People we didn’t even know, people who weren’t… well, weren’t my men.
“You asked me that back then too,” he said softly. “And my answer remains the same. That hasn’t changed.”