Chapter Five
Selena kept to the perimeters of the room, sipping her lemonade as she listened to the talented string quartet masterfully executing a difficult Haydn piece.
She let out a content sigh, letting the music soothe her frayed nerves.
A few people had greeted her. With curiosity, of course, but kindly enough for all that.
Enough to give her hope that perhaps she would be able to build a new life in London.
An independent life, with her own household.
If she could fill that life with enough worthy pursuits to occupy her time and friends to stave off the loneliness, she could live a satisfactory life indeed.
An image of laughing eyes and mischievous grin flashed through her mind, and she quashed it immediately.
As best she could, at any rate. It was pointless to pretend to herself that she hadn’t been looking for him every time she ventured out of doors.
Even though she’d taken great pains to actively avoid him.
“He’s not here,” Jane said, coming to stand beside her with a knowing smile.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Selena muttered, burying her grimace in her glass.
“Hmm, of course not. It seemed as though you were looking for someone. Or perhaps hiding from them, back here in the corner of the room.”
Selena let out a quiet groan. “I made such a ninny of myself the other day. Running from him as I did. I cannot face him again. It is better this way, regardless.”
“Oh?” Jane raised a delicate brow. “And why is that?”
Selena pursed her lips and tilted her head as she regarded her sister-in-law. “You know why. I can’t trust myself around him. I am…too drawn to him.”
“And you do not wish to be?”
“You know I do not,” Selena said with a vehement whisper, her eyes darting around to ensure no one was close enough to hear their conversation. “I will not risk it again. And after what occurred in the park, with the goose and horses…”
Jane’s amusement faded and she reached out to grasp Selena’s hand.
“It was too much like Louis,” Selena said quietly. “I could see him being chased into the path of that carriage all over again and…I just can’t do it again.”
“I know, dearest. But…that was an accident. A terrible accident, yes, but surely not one that would ever happen again.”
“Yet it almost did!” Selena exclaimed again, struggling to keep her voice to a whisper. She shook her head. “Perhaps if it had only been Louis, I would consider taking making that leap again. But…”
Jane squeezed her hand again, her eyes filling with sympathy.
Marius’s and Francesco’s deaths, also terrible accidents mere hours after their nuptials, were almost enough to make her give up on her dream of love and marriage. Until she’d met Charles. He had survived their wedding day only to die while consummating their marriage.
She shook her head. “It’s painful to think of them. I don’t want to think of it, and I don’t want to give the gossips more ammunition than they already have.”
“Is that why you will not speak of them?”
“Yes. But being around him—Lockhaven—it is remarkably difficult not to talk to him. He looks at me as though I were the most important person in the world. As if he cannot wait to hear what I will say next. And it makes me want to tell him everything. But I just…cannot.” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“And yet, it is so difficult not to want to be with him. I cannot stop thinking of the aggravating man.”
Jane chuckled. “Yes, they do tend to worm their way in, do they not?”
Selena gave her a wry smile. “Just so. Therefore, it is better if I avoid him altogether.”
Jane sighed. “I do understand that dearest, but…” She pursed her lips, trying to find the words. “I hope you will forgive me being blunt…”
Selena nodded, and Jane continued. “I know that you were not in love with your husbands. Not even Charles, though I know how fond you were of him. And I did so hope that the two of you would eventually find that love for each other that I have with my own husband,” she said with a fond smile, nodding at where Mr. Haddon stood jovially chatting with a group of gentlemen.
“It is obviously no longer possible with dear Charles. But I do still wish that kind of happiness for you,” she said, reaching for Selena’s hand again. “I hate to see you give up on that.”
Selena squeezed her dear friend’s hand back. “I know you do. It is only that—”
She broke off abruptly, her heart skipping a beat before pounding furiously in her chest.
“What is it—oof!” Jane exclaimed as Selena yanked her behind the drapes.
Jane stared at her, eyes wide with surprise as Selena risked a quick peek through the crack in the drapes before pulling them shut again and backing up against the wall.
“Selena. Dearest,” Jane said, gazing at her in the faint light provided from the bit of window the drapes covered. “What are we doing?”
“Shhh.” Selena waved her hand. “Hiding,” she whispered.
“Ah,” Jane whispered back. “Because?”
Selena opened her mouth to answer, but footsteps stopped just on the other side of the drapes, and she held her finger to her lips. Jane’s eyebrow rose sharply, and her lips quirked into an amused grin, but she held her tongue.
“I could have sworn I just saw her,” Lord Lockhaven said from the other side of the drapes.
“Perhaps you are seeing things, brother,” another man said.
Lockhaven scoffed. “I may be a few years older than you, Hugo, but I am not senile yet. She was here.”
“So you say. And yet, there was no way for her to escape without passing us, and she is nowhere to be found.” There was a slight slapping thud, like the sound of a hand hitting a shoulder.
“Do not fear, brother. There are a great many other ladies in attendance this evening. I am sure more than a few of them would be glad of your company. Though why, I will never understand.”
Lockhaven snorted. “Of course you don’t. Because no woman ever preferred yours.”
Hugo chuckled. “I disagree. However, we are discussing who might prefer your company. And in that regard, perhaps it is best that you did not find whom you seek this evening.”
“Why do you say that?”
There was a pause before his brother answered. “I cannot fault you for being drawn to a mysterious beauty, Edward. Many men are. But…all rumors aside, the woman is already a widow. And one who is—”
“Careful,” Lockhaven warned.
“I was merely going to point out that our parents had a few other ladies in mind for their future daughter-in-law. Ladies who are perhaps a bit more suitable. So perhaps it is for the best that this particular lady does not seem to desire your affections.”
Selena blanched, her chest constricting painfully.
Oh, but she did return his affections. Unfortunately so.
Her pulse pounded and her stomach clenched.
Though she wasn’t entirely sure if it was from dismay that Lockhaven’s family apparently considered her to be an unsuitable match or from hearing that he held some affection for her.
Likely both.
She fisted her skirts in her hands and leaned her head back against the wall, forcing herself to breathe slowly and evenly so he wouldn’t hear her through the wall of fabric that separated them.
Lockhaven was quiet for a moment, and when he spoke again his voice was low, gravely in its intensity. “With all due respect to our parents, I will keep my own counsel on who is or is not an appropriate match.” He let out a breath. “Perhaps she stepped out for some air. I could use some myself.”
Their footsteps moved off and Selena let out a breath, forcing her aching hands to release her skirts and relax.
“Selena…” Jane started, but Selena shook her head.
“As I was saying, it is for the best if I avoid his company. Even his family agrees.”
Jane scowled. “Then his family is not as intelligent as I believed.”
Selena gave her a fond smile before risking another peek from the drapes.
“Are we not going to discuss that the man obviously holds you in deep regard? Affection even?”
Selena bit her lip and then shook her head. “No. It is for the best, Jane. Truly. Come,” she said, slipping out from between the drapes, ignoring the exasperated shaking of Jane’s head.
Despite what she’d said, it would not be so simple to erase Lockhaven’s words from her heart. Traitorous organ that it was. She would just have to do her best, for both their sakes. And since she had no confidence in her ability to do so, avoiding the tantalizing Lord Lockhaven was her only hope.