Chapter 8 #2
“I think I can determine what is right,” Susanna responded sharply. “After all I have endured, after all the pain and sorrow that has been my near constant friend this last year, I deserve to know who it was that warned you away from me.”
Lord Lancashire closed his eyes, gritted his teeth, and let air hiss out from between them.
Susanna said nothing more, holding her head high and determined to pierce him with her gaze once he opened his eyes.
It was very strange this new fierceness that had come upon her, even if it did still battle against her nervousness.
For a very long time indeed, she had wanted to know the truth, had wanted to understand why he had stepped away from her without warning – and now, finally, she was on the cusp of discovering it.
“Lord Blackwood.”
The name gave her pause. “The gentleman who has the ear of the King?”
He opened his eyes. “The very same,” he remarked, as if this was of no importance whatsoever. “Are you acquainted with him?”
She shook her head.
“And did you speak personally to Lord Blackwood once this letter was sent?” Again, Ellen spoke, but without any hint of anger in her voice. “Did you go to him personally?”
Lord Lancashire’s mouth pulled into a flat line.
“What the gentleman spoke of was a private matter. There was no need for me to go speak with him personally. To do so would have been inappropriate, since the matter was so very delicate. I would not have wanted anyone to overhear. Besides, it was only a warning and nothing more. It was my own responsibility to consider the matter and to make further enquiries, which I did.”
Susanna’s heart dropped to the floor. The certainty in the Marquess’ voice and the steadiness of his gaze made her fear that whatever it was he had been told was, in fact, quite true. Was her father carrying some heavy debts that she was unaware of? Was his standing truly in danger?
She swallowed hard. “Thank you for telling me,” she said, hearing her voice softer now, no longer holding the same strength as before. “I will, of course, be very discreet. Good day, Lord Lancashire.”
“Lady Susanna, wait.”
Before she could turn away, before she could even lift her feet, Lord Lancashire’s hand shot out and caught hers.
The shock of his bare fingers against her gloved ones sent a tremor through her arm and into her chest. Her eyes lifted, shock flooding her and, with it, an inescapable warmth that slowly began to twine with longing — a deep, powerful longing that settled in her core and would not leave her.
The sounds of the park — the birdsong, the distant clatter of hooves, the murmur of conversation all around them — fell away to nothing.
When her eyes lifted to his, she saw shock written into his expression, his eyebrows lifted, his eyes wide, and his mouth a little ajar.
Where such a shock came from, she could not imagine, but all the same, he did not pull his hand away from her own.
Susanna said nothing, sensing everything else around her beginning to fade.
How foolish she was to still have such a desire for him!
She did not want to have such longing to be wrapped in his arms again, and yet, the sensation would not leave her.
Trying to silently remind herself of all the pain and suffering he had caused her, she steadied her gaze on his, only for her heart to tumble over in her chest. There was a softness in his expression now, a tenderness that reminded her of the gentleman she had been close to last Season.
His mouth was closed now, his eyebrows settling back into position, but still, his hand held hers.
“Lord Lancashire, good afternoon!”
A warm voice had him dropping her hand quickly, then clearing his throat as Susanna turned away, Ellen beside her.
“Lady Catherine, Lady Juliette, good afternoon,” she heard him say, her breathing now coming a good deal faster than before. “And Lady Pearson, good afternoon to you also.”
“He is not short of admirers, that is certain,” Ellen murmured, looping her arm through Susanna’s again. “But I must say, I think he still is very much in love with you.”
Susanna shook her head. “I do not think so.”
“If it is not love, then it is affection,” Ellen replied, determinedly.
“You cannot pretend that moment did not just happen, Susanna. I was there, watching both of you, and it was as if I was no longer present.” She smiled gently as Susanna glanced at her.
“You need not be ashamed of your feelings either.”
Susanna shook her head, her throat closing up. “I do not think that I want to have such feelings any longer. I want them gone from me, so that the pain and confusion are gone also.”
“Ah.” Ellen’s smile grew a little sorrowful. “I am afraid that our feelings never do as we desire, my friend. They will stay and linger and confuse us with their strength for just as long as they please.”
Her throat tight, Susanna nodded, aware of the tears that threatened, which she silently demanded sink back down again. It had been so easy for her to lose herself in his gaze again, to have her heart long for him by a simple touch of his hand to hers.
I love him still, she admitted to herself.
“I have a good deal of conflicting emotions when it comes to Lord Lancashire,” she said, aloud, as Ellen nodded.
“I feel angry with him, truth be told. I am frustrated at my own feelings. I want to set myself away from him, to forget about him entirely, but instead, my heart has decided that it would very much like to cling to him still, despite everything.”
Ellen gave her a small, wry smile. “I am afraid that your heart may trouble you for some time,” she said quietly. “But one way or another, this will resolve itself. All you need is time.”