Chapter 10 #2
She quickly instructed the maid to bring some refreshments, and upon stepping into the parlor, she let out a long sigh, which made Ellen’s eyebrows lift.
“I feel I have come to call at the right time,” Ellen said, gently, as Susanna flopped back into a chair, her body now tired from the tension that had overwhelmed her as she had spoken with her father. “You are weary, yes?”
Susanna nodded. “I spoke with my father.”
Ellen’s eyes widened. “Goodness, you have certainly been filled with some great determination of late! I did not think that you would speak with him so soon.”
“I wanted to.” Susanna closed her eyes. “I had to.” Letting silence fall, Susanna let her mind drift back to the previous evening.
Lord Lancashire had been on his way out of the house whilst she had been returning from the powder room.
She had intended to step past him, but he had reached out and caught her hand.
There had been something in his eyes that had made her heart turn over in her chest, an agony in his expression that she had not been able to make sense of.
He had tried to say something, had tried to express something to her, but the words had not come easily, and even now, she could not even think about what it was he had wanted to say.
But the look in his eyes had given her such a fierce resolve to find out the truth, she had been committed to speaking with her father at the very next opportunity.
And that had been this afternoon.
“My father was very angry at the suggestion that he had both debts and poor investments,” she told Ellen, as the maid brought in some refreshments for them both. “I do not think I have ever seen him so furious before.”
Ellen’s eyebrows lifted gently. “Then you believe him?”
“I am convinced he is telling the truth,” Susanna said, as the maid closed the door behind her.
“He would not have reacted so if he had been faced with the truth, I am sure of it.” She reached to pour the tea.
“He even stated that I was to tell him the name of the gentleman who spoke with me, so that he could then take him directly to his solicitors and prove that there was no truth in it.”
“Well, I would agree with you that such a strong statement would suggest that he is telling the truth,” Ellen said, with a small smile. “But that leaves you with more questions than answers, does it not?”
Susanna let out a small breath and nodded. “Indeed, it does. I do not know why Lord Blackwood would say such a thing to him. Why would there be such warnings when my father is in no real difficulty!”
“Could you speak to Lord Blackwood directly?” Ellen winced and then shook her head before Susanna even had the chance to respond. “No, that would not be wise. He would not accept such questions from you, and it might even cause damage to your reputation.”
“So then what do I do?”
Ellen arched one eyebrow. “You could speak to Lord Lancashire directly.”
Susanna considered, then shook her head. “I do not know if there is any need to do so. He has already decided.”
“Has he?”
Looking away, Susanna shrugged her shoulders, trying to pretend she did not care.
“He took my hand yesterday, for a very brief moment. But then he walked away without explaining himself, without speaking to me with any real clarity.” Her eyes closed so she could shut out the sight of Ellen’s astonished face.
“I do not think that I can continue to permit him to hold my heart, Ellen. I do not want him there, not when I am filled with so much confusion and doubt – made all the greater by my father’s clear statement that he is financially sound. ”
“But you cannot let him go. And I think, given that he took your hand in that way, he also cannot let you go either,” Ellen said, gently.
“Susanna, perhaps you should tell Lord Lancashire all these things. Not just what it is you have learned from your father, but also of your own heart. Confess all to him and see what his response is.”
The threat of overwhelming pain gave Susanna pause. “If he refuses me for the second time, then what am I to do? My heart has already been shattered once before. It still holds anger and upset towards him for the silence he left me in, for the agony I endured because of his unexplained absence.”
Ellen’s shoulders lifted. “And yet, you still care for him.”
“Because I am a fool.”
“No, I do not think so,” her friend responded, quickly.
“It is because you love him. And love, from what I know of it, does not easily let go. Not if it is true, pure, and good. Despite everything, Susanna, I think that you are still very much in love with him, and he is very much in love with you. It is only this difficulty and doubt that has come as a wall between you. I do not think that he behaved well or made the right choice to treat you as he did, but if there is any possibility of a second chance for the two of you to find happiness again, do you not think it is worth pursuing?”
It was a question that Susanna could not immediately answer.
She was torn in two directions, the first being that she wanted desperately to run back to Lord Lancashire’s arms and throw herself into them, and the second, to push back from him as hard as she could so that he could never cause her any further pain.
Rubbing her fingers against her forehead, she shrugged lightly. “I do not know what I want, Ellen.”
“Then I will not push you,” her friend said softly.
“But think on what you want to do next, Susanna. If you decide that you want nothing further to do with Lord Lancashire and wish only to pursue new connections within society, then I shall come alongside you in that. If you wish to go to him and tell him all you have learned – and of all that you still feel – then I shall be with you in that also. Whatever it is you want, Susanna, you will have my support.”
This made Susanna’s throat constrict as tears burned in her eyes.
“I am very grateful, Ellen,” she said, reaching for her tea and blinking back the moisture.
“I do not have my own mother or sister to come alongside me in this, so to have you with me means more than I can say.” Taking in a long breath, she let it out slowly and then tried to smile.
“I will think on what I must do next and what I shall say – and to whom I shall say it!”
Ellen smiled. “And I will be here for you whenever you decide.”