Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
“Ihad not expected it to be quite this busy.” Vivian glanced around as they walked through Hyde Park.
It seemed that they could not go more than a few feet before some person or another waved at them. Her arm was linked through Thomas’s, and her cheeks ached from smiling, but each time a person inclined their head toward them, panic filled her chest.
The walk had seemed like such a good idea at the time.
She had thought it would give her an excuse to flirt with him; after all, they were supposed to be pretending to be in love, except that everything her mother and Henrietta had tried to teach her about flirting seemed far too improper to be attempted in public.
Beside her, Thomas appeared completely unaffected by the whispers and stares. He stood proud and regal, reminding her of a cat who had found the cream. He walked like a man who could bark an order at the world and have it obeyed.
“It is always busy at this time of day. I assumed that was why you had suggested it.” Thomas canted his head toward her, his blue eyes matching the sky above them.
Vivian’s breath caught as her stomach tumbled around.
Breathe, Vivian. Just breathe. A passing couple waved at them, and for a moment, Vivian thought they would come over to them, but they did not. She let out a breath that she had not realized she had been holding.
It did not help that she was acutely aware of how close they were standing. The memory of the moment in his study still lingered. She thought that perhaps he might kiss her, and when he had not, her stomach had dropped, roiling in disappointment.
There is still time.
“You look as though you are about to burst out of your skin,” Thomas murmured, leaning so close that his breath tickled her ear. “Just be at ease. Try to look like you are enjoying yourself, as if you have not even noticed anyone else.”
The feel of him sent her heart into a flurry. She tried to smile, but it felt like her face had forgotten how. Vivian’s mind worked furiously, trying to think of what she had seen other people do.
Should I laugh, or will I look half mad? The skin on the back of her neck prickled, and she forced herself not to look for the source of her discomfort. She tried to relax her shoulders, but it felt impossible.
“I cannot do this.” The words slipped from her mouth before she could stop them, shame reddening her cheeks as she looked into his blue eyes.
“Yes, you can.” Thomas’s voice was soft, but firm. “Relax your shoulders; yes, like that. Lean against me, just a little, and then draw back. As though you want to be close but are trying not to be. Yes, like that.”
Vivian did as Thomas instructed, adjusting her body slightly and trying to remember to breathe. “You make this all seem so easy.”
“It is easy with enough practice. Besides, Grandmama had us all trained from a young age.” He gave her a wry smile. “She said she would not have us embarrass her with a lack of social graces.”
“Goodness only knows what she must think of me then.” Vivian tried not to think too hard about the kind of impression she must have made on the woman.
I doubt I will become as close to her as Charlotte and Andrea.
“I would not worry about it; after all, this is not a permanent arrangement.” He waved the thought away with his hand. “Besides, the fact that she has invited us to her birthday party means that she is at least interested in getting to know you.”
“What?” Vivan yelped. “What party? When? Will there be enough time to order a gift? What does one even get a dowager duchess?”
“It is next week. Her estate is not far from our country home, so she will no doubt push for us to stay with her, but there is no reason for it. It will be easy enough to join the festivities and return home in the evening.”
“I suppose that will mean we do not have to pretend to be in love for quite as long that way.”
“Exactly. It will all be over before you know it, and by the end of this period, you will be glad that you will not have to subject yourself to yet more family affairs.”
Vivian did not trust herself to speak, a lump forming in her throat.
I am running out of time. A cool breeze tugged at Vivian’s coat, and she shivered and leaned closer to Thomas without thinking. She felt him stiffen ever so slightly and then relax.
“Have you given much thought to what you will do when we part?”
“Not really.” “I do not even know where I will go.”
“Where would you like to go?”
“Well, when I was younger, I always dreamed of living in a small cottage in the lake district. I liked the idea of being far from everyone, surrounded by water and rolling hills.” “I was desperate to go there; mother and father even have friends up that way, but they did not feel it was a good use of time for me to accompany them. After all, I was already promised to someone, so why should they cart me around the country on a whim?”
She thought she felt Thomas tense at her words, but when she looked up at his face, she could see no sign of anger, just a slight smile that was perhaps a little tighter than before.
You are just imagining things.
“Our estate is not far from it. It is barely more than half a day’s ride from the castle.” “Though if you do not know how to ride, we can always take the carriage.”
“I do, but it has been a while since I have ridden.” She swallowed, thinking of how her mother had discouraged her love of riding.
‘You will get mannish hips, and that will mean you will bear only girls for your future husband.’ Vivian pushed the memory out of her head.
“I am sure we can arrange something. There is no reason for you not to see a bit of the country while we are there.”
“That would be lovely. Thank you.” Vivian looked around.
“It is my pleasure. Now, let us return to the matter at hand.” Thomas raised his eyebrows and moved his head infinitesimally, indicating a couple walking toward them. “They are the ton’s biggest gossips, and if they see us flirting, it will be all over the ton by teatime.”
“What should I do?”
“Look at me; yes, like that. Slowly, shyly.” He leaned close as though telling her a secret, their foreheads nearly touching before he moved away again, letting out a laugh.
The richness of his laugh took Vivian by surprise. The sound stole into her chest, pulling her own laughter out and into the open.
He has such a wonderful laugh. She felt the knot ease in her chest, and as she glanced up at Thomas, she saw that his hair had fallen across his face.
She reached up and brushed it across his forehead, tucking it out of the way. Her fingers barely grazed his skin, but it felt like she had touched fire. His eyes widened, but he did not pull away. She let her hand fall.
“You almost seem like you are having fun, Vivian.” His voice was light and teasing.
“I am,” Vivian admitted, surprising herself at the truth of it. “I think I am starting to get the hang of this sort of thing.”
“I would have to agree.” Though his lip quirked upward, Vivian thought she heard an edge to her voice, something like trepidation, but that made no sense.
They continued to walk around the park, and it was only as they turned back to go home that Vivian realized she had not even felt the stares of the people around them.
“I do not know about you, but I am absolutely famished,” Thomas said as he helped Vivian out of her coat.
It had been a few days since their walk in Hyde Park, and Vivian and Thomas had decided to visit an art gallery, with the promise of refreshments.
It was a private viewing, which meant they had the place to themselves, save for their guide.
To Vivian, it was a pleasant change from the hustle and bustle of balls and garden parties, but unfortunately, the food had been wanting at best.
“I could do with a bite to eat, but I would not wish to disturb the servants. I had not thought we would be back so late.” Vivian let Thomas take her coat from her, grateful that he had given the staff instructions not to wait up for them. “I can always bring you something to the study.”
“You may be my wife, Vivian, but I do not expect you to wait on me like a servant. We can both go and get ourselves food.” Thomas shrugged. “Besides, I have never managed to shake the habit of a midnight feast in the kitchen. The staff are well used to it by this point.”
“I see.” Vivian fell into step beside Thomas as they walked towards the kitchen.
“Where did the time go?”
Thomas massaged his neck. “It is easy to lose track of such things, especially when the champagne is flowing as freely as that. It is a pity they did not show us more of the landscapes. Those were marvelous.”
“I loved the rolling hills and the fields of buttercups. The brushstrokes were exquisite.”
“It is baffling that the man could create such stunning scenery and yet his portraiture left much to be desired.” Thomas shuddered and began to rifle through the kitchen cabinets.
“What, did you not enjoy that painting of the dog?” Vivian perched herself on a stool, feeling slightly giddy as she did.
Perhaps I should not have had quite so much champagne.
“I am not sure you could call what he painted a dog. It looked more like a demon than a dog.” Thomas sat down beside her and put a plate of biscuits between them.
Vivian’s stomach growled as she popped a biscuit in her mouth. “It was not as bad as the portrait of that old lady. I was under the impression that artists were supposed to make one look good.”
“Perhaps the patron did not care for the artist’s subjects and paid him to make them look bad.” Thomas shrugged. “Either that, or the man lacked skill.”
“Or he intentionally did them badly in the hope that his patron would allow him to do landscapes.” Vivian helped herself to another biscuit, chewing thoughtfully. “Or perhaps it was his way of protesting being asked to do portraits instead of landscapes?”
“If it were, I do not think he counted on the stubbornness of his client.” Thomas ran a hand through his hair. “Though it was worth it to watch Lady Hortensia try to think of something complimentary to say. She was the woman with the green coat you admired.”
“Oh! I thought I would burst when the guide asked for her thoughts. You could just see on her face how little she cared for everything, but she could not bear to be impolite.” Vivian shuddered.
“It was bad enough when he asked for mine. All I could think to say was that I preferred landscapes to portraiture.”
“It is lucky grandmama did not attend; she would have had no qualms about letting the artist know exactly what she thought of everything. If that is what passes for art nowadays, I pray that the Lord above will see fit to take my eyesight and spare me the indignity of looking at it.”
Vivian laughed so hard that she nearly fell off her chair. She yelped, her arms windmilling wildly as she tried to steady herself. Thomas lunged toward her, holding her in place even as he laughed.
She grinned at him. “Thank you.”
“I did say I would not let you fall, Marchioness.” His eyes searched her face. He was so close that she could see the stubble forming on his jaw.
Before she could second-guess herself or talk herself out of it, Vivian closed the distance between them and gently pressed her lips to his.
She felt Thomas put a hand on her shoulder, gently pushing her away from him. “Do not do this.”
“Why not?” The warm fuzz of alcohol loosened her tongue, and she canted her head toward him. “We are married after all.”
“That does not mean… I cannot do this, not with you.” Thomas turned from her, his face half in shadow. “It would not be right.”
“Oh.” Vivian felt her stomach drop. “I thought… We were having such fun and I… But if you do not want me, if I have done something wrong, perhaps I could fix it?”
“It is nothing you have done, I swear. It is me.” He moved away from her and shook his head.
“I… I do not want such intimacy with any woman. That is why I said there would be no heir-making between us. I made the decision a long time ago. It would not be fair. It would be the same with any other woman who was my wife. It is nothing personal.”
Vivian frowned, and then understanding hit her.
Her cheeks flushed bright scarlet, and she clapped a hand over her mouth.
“Oh! Oh goodness, I had no idea! I did not realize, but it makes so much sense. I should have realized sooner. I am so sorry. If you had told me, I would never have… I should have known you were… Well, you know…”
“What?” Thomas turned to face her, confusion clear on his face. “That I am what?”
“Well, that you…” Vivian cleared her throat and looked over her shoulder.
At the very least, this will mean he is unlikely to throw me over. Not when I know such a dangerous secret—such things are illegal after all.
“You are a molly. I understand why you did not tell me, but do not worry. I will keep your secret.”
Thomas gaped at her and then shook his head. “You think that I am drawn to the company of men?”
“Well, yes. I know there are laws against such things, but honestly, I have never understood them. What harm could come from such a thing?” Vivian gave him what she hoped was an encouraging smile. “It will be our secret.”
“I know there is nothing wrong with it. After all, I have a dear cousin who is that way inclined. He lives up north with his close friend, though we all know he is more than that. A very jolly chap, really.” Thomas moved toward her.
“You really do not have to pretend, Thomas. Honestly, it is a little bit of a relief. You are not drawn to women; of course, you do not want to kiss me.” Vivian was starting to get irritated.
“But you must stop lying to me. You were the one who said that we should have truth between us, and well… I would like to think you trust me.”
Thomas let out a growl, and before Vivian knew what was happening, he had caught her up and kissed her. It was nothing like the brief brush of lips she had given him. This was something else entirely.
He crushed her to him with a bruising ferocity that lit a fire within her. All thought faded. The room spun around them. She could not tell where he began, and she ended.
Too soon, they broke apart, and Vivian saw a dark hunger in his eyes. He gave her a half-smile. “Do you believe me now?”
Vivian was still trying to catch her breath. All she could do was nod as blood thundered in her ears. Thomas nodded and left the room without another word.
So that is what it means to be kissed.
She touched her fingers to her lips. “He is no molly.”
Feeling more satisfied than she had in a long time, she practically skipped to her room. At long last, she would be safe.