Chapter 4
Rupert nodded. “Yes, that is so,” he said, finding the entire conversation about horses utterly disinteresting.
“I have two pairs of greys and find them to be excellent mounts. My brother is the one who has an exceptional interest in such things, however. He is the one you should speak with when it comes to the purchasing of such things.” He nodded to his brother and, with a broad smile on his face, Lord Preston quickly began speaking with Lord Chamberlain about his expectations when it came to purchasing new steeds.
“You are not interested in hearing about horses, I think.”
Rupert gave his cousin, Viscount Howerton, a wry smile. “How can you tell?”
Lord Howerton chuckled, taking a step away from Rupert and the conversation itself. “I think I shall take my leave and go to find my brother.”
“We shall have dinner soon, all of us,” Rupert promised, aware that, as yet, he and Lord Preston had not enjoyed the company of his three cousins here in London.
It had been a surprise to find Lord Howerton present here in Hyde Park.
However, the explanation was simple enough: Lord Howerton had come not only to chaperone his sister, Miss Emma Gladstone, but also to encourage his younger brother to find a suitable match. “I will send an invitation very soon.”
“We can discuss horses,” Lord Howerton said, as Rupert grinned. “I look forward to the invitation, cousin.”
Reminding himself to arrange that just as soon as he could, Rupert watched Lord Howerton as he walked away, turning his head just a fraction to look over at the others present in Hyde Park.
The fashionable hour was not at all to his liking, and he still did not have any interest in lingering here, but his brother had insisted.
Again, there came that inward battle between responsibility and inclination, and wearied as he was of fighting it, Rupert set himself against the desire to return home.
He had a duty to marry and to produce an heir, just as his brother did.
With the higher title, his duty sat all the heavier on his shoulders.
And I do not have to love her, whoever she may be, he reminded himself firmly. It can be a practical match, that is all. Given what he had felt for Lady Eleanor, Rupert did not expect to ever have such an affection for any other lady again in his life.
“Yes, I think that particular breed is exceptional, although they can be a little stubborn.”
Lord Chamberlain sighed. “Alas, I fear that their price is a little too high for someone such as myself. My investments have not been… successful this year.”
Disengaging himself from the conversation for the second time, Rupert glanced around the room again – only for his eyes to catch on a familiar face.
His heart exploded, sending pain shooting through every limb.
Rupert could not look away from her, seeing her gazing back at him, but with eyes that no longer held any sort of affection for him.
Instead, there was a coldness there, one that swept right through him and chilled his skin.
He could not move, his feet weighted, but a weakness in him that he could not shake.
She was just as beautiful as he remembered her to be, her dark brown curls framing her face, a face he had beheld with such affection for so long.
Now, however, there was nothing between them.
The affection they had shared, the happiness he had hoped would be theirs, was gone now… and it was all his own fault.
Shame tore into him, and heat billowed in his chest. Suddenly, he was able to move, spinning on his heel so he turned his back to her completely.
Breathing hard, he looked down at the floor, catching the concerned look from his brother but ignoring it, praying that Preston’s conversation would go on without interruption so he could have time to recover his composure.
That is what I am to do, then? Ignore her?
The humiliation he felt threw itself over him again, and Rupert winced, closing his eyes tightly as he fought to steady his breathing. He could not ignore her, he knew that, but nor could he simply pretend that all was well between them!
You have not been introduced, as far as anyone else knows.
A thought struck him and, standing tall now, Rupert blinked rapidly, relief beginning to catch a hold of him.
If they were not formally introduced in the eyes of the ton then there was no need for him to speak with her or even be in her company!
All he had to do was make certain to stay away from her, despite the fact that his heart still begged for him to go to her.
“Are you quite all right, brother?”
“It is just the sun,” Rupert replied, with a forced smile. “It is very hot this afternoon, is it not?”
“It is, it is, I quite agree,” Lord Chamberlain said, gravely. “You have gone a little pale, Lord Finchley. Are you feeling quite well?”
“I think a return to my carriage would suit me very well,” Rupert replied, relieved that there was now a way for him to escape. “Do excuse me.”
Preston sent him a sharp look, but Rupert only nodded, silently confirming to his brother that he was quite able to look after himself at present.
Making his way directly back towards the carriage, Rupert did not step inside but rather walked past it, away from the crowd of guests and towards a few trees that offered him both shade and distance.
Still feeling a sense of weakness in his frame, he leaned against one of the large trees and closed his eyes, willing strength to return to him.
This was not what he had expected to feel when he saw her again.
Yes, he had thought that he might be a little overwhelmed and certainly, that he would have that sense of regret deep within him again, but this?
This was… more than just regret. This was a deep and angry sorrow that ripped a hole in his chest and tore out his heart.
He was angry with himself for what he had done, filled with remorse over his separation from her, and now, there was nothing but darkness in him.
A darkness he feared he would never be able to step away from.
“Good evening, Lord Finchley! A delight to have you join us here this evening. And to you also, Lord Preston!”
Rupert bowed. “Thank you for your invitation, Lord and Lady Dartmoor. Your ball is, I am told, one of the most anticipated of the Season.”
Lady Dartmoor’s eyes gleamed as Rupert bent over her hand. “How very gracious of you to say, Lord Finchley. I cannot say that I have heard such a thing myself, but no doubt, you are quite right.”
Rupert smiled and then stepped away, leaving his brother to say a few things before he took his leave of them.
Walking together into the ballroom, Rupert let out a heavy sigh, and Lord Preston, stopping, grasped his arm and took him to one side of the room.
A little surprised at the dark frown on Preston’s face, Rupert shook off his brother’s hard grip and grimaced. “Whatever is the matter?”
“Might I not ask that of you?” With a frustrated breath escaping him, Lord Preston shook his head.
“You may not be aware, brother, but you give the distinct impression that you do not want to be here in London. I will admit that I had to persuade you, but you yourself stated that you saw the responsibility required of you and desired to come!”
“Yes, I am well aware of that.”
“So why do you appear so downhearted?” Preston wanted to know. “You have been melancholy and disinterested in every moment! And this when the concern and the difficulty has been dealt with and is now far behind us!”
Rupert swallowed hard and looked down at the floor. He had not wanted nor intended to share anything about Eleanor with his brother, but now, it seemed, he had no choice. “You must not tell a soul what I am to say to you.”
Lord Preston’s eyebrows lifted, but he nodded. “You know that you can trust me.”
“Yes, I do.” Briefly, Rupert shared about what had happened with Eleanor, watching his brother’s eyes round as he spoke. “I did not tell her about the letter I received that day, however.”
His brother frowned. “So what did you say?”
Rupert hung his head.
“Pray do not tell me that you said nothing to her?” Preston exclaimed as Rupert hushed him quietly, his gaze darting left and right, afraid of being overheard. “You did not simply leave without explanation?”
“To my shame, I did.”
“But why?”
Rupert threw up his hands. “I was in a great commotion of upset and worry! The letter threw me into a state of shock, and I could not even think about Eleanor! Do not think for a moment that my heart feels anything less for her or that my intentions were not true and determined… but I could not go to her. I could not tell her of what had happened.”
“Because you thought she would be horrified by it?” There was a hardness in his brother’s voice now. “You did not trust her?”
Rupert blinked. “I did not think that it was about trust.”
“Yes, it was.” Preston’s eyes had sharpened, striking hard at Rupert. “You were unfair to her, Finchley. If you truly cared for her, if you had promised her such a significant thing, then you should have taken the time even to pen a note to her to explain something of the situation.”
Rubbing the back of his neck with one hand, Rupert shook his head.
“I could not. Even if she agreed to wed me still, I could not be sure that the threat would have faded by the time our wedding took place. Someone could have discovered all and whispered about it, ruining everything. I could not bring her into a place where she might find herself in just as much difficulty as I, where she too might endure censure for the rest of her days.”
After a few moments of considering this, his brother’s expression softened.
“I suppose I can understand that,” he agreed, as Rupert dropped his hand back to his side.
“You sought to protect her by stepping away from her, and that, I can see, was the right thing to do. But all the same, you should have said something to her instead of leaving her alone and without any understanding of what you were doing or why!”
“I regret deeply that I did not.”
“And this is why you are downcast,” his brother finished, as Rupert looked away. “You wish to go to her and yet you stay back from her, filled with regret as you have only just said.”
“With an overwhelming shame that I cannot shake,” Rupert added, ruefully. “One that I fully accept I must bear, one that I understand is mine to cling to.”
Lord Preston let out a slow breath, his lips bunching for a few moments. “Well, what is it you intend to do?”
Rupert frowned. “What do you mean?”
“You intend to stay in London, yes? Or will you return to your estate?”
Scrubbing one hand over his face, Rupert let air hiss through his teeth. “I want very much to stay in London. Not because of her, but because I realize that I must move away from her and because I must find a suitable match. That is my duty.”
“Good. You will have to speak to her, however.”
A knot tied itself in his throat.
“You cannot simply avoid her and continue in this silence,” his brother continued, firmly. “You must tell her the truth – or as much of it as you wish to share – and apologise for your abrupt departure.”
Rupert shook his head. “I cannot. As far as the ton knows, we are not yet acquainted.”
“Then write to her.”
Opening his mouth to find an excuse for this, Rupert was forced to snap it shut again, seeing there was no reason he could not.
“You may go through a good many sheets of parchment before you are contented with what you have written, but you must do so, all the same. You have always been a gentleman with a steady conscience, and I am quite sure that part of the reason for your struggle is because you know you must speak with her… you simply do not wish to because of the pain you have not only caused her but also keep within your own heart.”
Rupert’s lips twisted as he studied his brother, wondering just how it could be that he was so very insightful.
“I know you well,” came the response, as if he had been able to read Rupert’s thoughts. “Be assured, that will bring you some comfort.” He looked away, hesitating, then returned his gaze to Rupert. “Are you quite certain there is no hope of reconciliation?”
Remembering just how cold her eyes had been, how she had made no step towards him but had only held his gaze, Rupert shook his head. “No, there is nothing between us now. I have injured her too greatly for there to be any sort of repair, I am quite sure of that.”
“Then I am sorry.” Putting his hand on Rupert’s shoulder, Lord Preston looked back at him. “And I apologize for being a little harsh. I do not mean to speak with any cruelty but – ”
“You have not, and your firmness is appreciated,” Rupert answered, as his brother smiled.
“You are quite right. I shall return home this evening after the ball and begin my letter.” His stomach dipped, but he ignored it.
“I will tell her what I have to, but nothing more… and pray that, somehow, it might bring her a little relief.”