Chapter 10
Speaking openly to the lady he still loved with all of his heart was torturous indeed.
Rupert wanted to put his arms around her and pull her close, the touch of her hand to his chest burning through him with such a heat that it made him weak.
She was holding his gaze steadily, unflinching as he did his best to explain without giving her all the details of his present difficulty.
“It is impossible,” he finished, as a glimmer of tears came into her eyes. “It is because I still care for you that I must push you away, Eleanor. You may not understand it entirely, but that is the truth of it.”
“But I could help,” she said, taking a step closer to him, forcing him back again for fear that, if he let her draw near, he would not be able to resist. “Surely, if we both are eager for the same thing, then my help could bring that about.”
Rupert swallowed at the lump that came into his throat upon hearing those words.
“How could you even think of me in such gentle terms?” he asked, shaking his head and looking away from her.
“Eleanor, I have done you a great wrong and even now – ” Pausing, he took in a deep breath, trying to steady his resolve.
“Even now, even when I push you away from me again, you insist upon drawing close to me.”
“Because once my heart realized that you were not as I had thought you, it filled itself with affection all over again,” she said, as Rupert’s heart exploded with both joy and relief.
“You did not simply have your fun with me and then step away, lying to me about our future so that you might find a way to escape. Instead, you had a genuine reason to separate us, fearful about not only what you would find upon going to your sister but also what it would mean for your future.”
“Which is precisely what I fear now,” he interrupted, seeing her eyes round. “It is the very same threat that lingers on me, Eleanor. I dare not have you near to it for I cannot tell what it will do to your reputation.”
She shrugged. “It may do nothing. Not if there is no real connection between us.”
Not understanding her, Rupert frowned.
“If we both want the very same thing, which I hope and pray that you do, then might we not move forward together with that in mind?” Taking another step closer to him, she clasped her hands together at her heart, her eyes beseeching him.
“Tell me that you care for me still, Rupert. I must hear those words from your lips.”
Overcome with such a sense of love and desperation, Rupert dropped his head and groaned aloud. “Eleanor, do not beg me for such a thing. To say such words aloud will only bring us both pain, for if we can never be as we once were – ”
“But if there is a chance that we might still return to that happiness, then is it not worth saying?” Her hand touched his, and Rupert lifted his head sharply, looking into her blue eyes as he surrendered to her and all that he felt in his heart.
He could not prevent the words from coming to his lips, could not stop his declaration to her.
“Then Eleanor,” he said, hoarsely, gripping her fingers tightly, “you must know that I have never forgotten you. My heart has refused to let you go, bereft of your company and your closeness. I was sure that there could be nothing more between us, quite certain that all had now come to an end, and yet, my heart held to you still.”
Her eyes glowed, a beautiful smile spreading across her face.
“Despite that, there may very well be no return for us,” he continued, trying to find a firmness of resolve within him that would push him back from her. “As I have said, I cannot have you near me, not when this… this threat is now upon me.”
With shock in her eyes, she clasped his other hand also. “What threat?”
“I cannot tell you.”
“You can.” With a press of his hands, Lady Eleanor smiled gently. “My dear Finchley, will you not accept my offer of help?”
Rupert swallowed thickly. “I do not know if there is anything you can do.”
“And yet, there is still the chance that I might be able to,” she said, clearly unwilling to accept his answer. “Do you not understand what I am suggesting, Finchley?”
When he shook his head, she moved nearer to him still so that there were only a few inches between them. It was daring and bold, especially given the fact that anyone might come upon them without warning, but Rupert could not find it in him to ask her to step back.
“My heart’s desire is for you and you alone,” she said, clearly.
“You, as you have said, feel the very same, but this threat that you speak of means that you cannot or will not return to me. If, however, the issue can be resolved, then that leaves us free to return to one another’s arms, does it not? ”
Rupert closed his eyes, aware of just how much he wanted this.
“I cannot tell you when the threat will be gone from me,” he said, sorrowfully.
“I cannot hold you back from your future, Eleanor. There will be other gentlemen – better gentlemen than I – who seek to court you, seek to wed you.” Those words struck pain against Rupert’s heart, but he continued regardless.
“I will not hold you to a promise that might never be fulfilled.”
Her eyes closed tightly. “My father has insisted that I find a match this Season,” she said, her voice near a whisper now. “But there is none that I want but you.”
Rupert could not find any words to say, looking down at her and remembering all the times that he had swept her up into his arms, held her close, and kissed her lips.
He recalled how they had walked through the woods, arm in arm, laughing and talking and sharing all manner of things – those had been precious moments indeed!
“I want the same but I am honorable enough to know that I cannot promise you a happy future, Eleanor. If this threat continues, if it becomes known, then I can assure you that your father will not permit you to come anywhere near me! And what then? You cannot keep back from a contented future because of a hope.”
She swallowed and looked down, a tear splashing to her cheek.
“If my father had not insisted that I find a suitable match, then I would not feel such pressure upon my shoulders,” she said, as Rupert’s heart tore.
He wanted to say the opposite of what had been spoken, wanted to state that yes, he would do anything he could to make her his bride…
but he could not. Given what he was facing, Rupert knew he might well face ruination himself, and he could not let that encompass Eleanor also.
“But all the same, if there is even a single flicker of hope, then can we not face this difficulty together?” With a sniff, Lady Eleanor lifted her chin and looked straight into his eyes.
“Yes, it may come to naught, but at least then we will both know that we did all we could to find a way through.”
Letting out a long and slow breath, Rupert found himself nodding despite his heart and mind warning him that he should not. “I cannot pretend that I do not hold such a hope within my heart,” he admitted. “Albeit a small one.”
“Then will you tell me?” she asked, as Rupert let out a sigh, his breath catching in his chest as he weighed up what was the right thing to do.
He could either tell her all in detail or give her only a vague explanation about what had occurred.
He had to keep her safe, had to make sure she was protected, but at the same time, had to permit her to come alongside him and be a support to him.
“Very well,” he said, just as Lady Eleanor’s maid coughed loudly, making Lady Eleanor stumble back. Rupert turned his back quickly, reaching for a book as Lady Eleanor hurried to the other side of the room, looking absently up at shelves filled with books.
“Ah, there you are, Lady Eleanor. Lady Catherine is eager to take her leave, and I said I would come in search of you.”
Rupert’s stomach clenched as he turned his head to see a gentleman he did not know offering his arm to Lady Eleanor.
“But of course.” Lady Eleanor’s voice was higher-pitched than usual, and whilst she smiled at the gentleman, there was no warmth in it. “Thank you, Lord Ashworth.”
Ashworth. Rupert knew the name, recognizing him as a gentleman of the ton with both a high title and good standing, as well as the gentleman who had claimed Lady Eleanor’s waltz the previous evening.
With a knot in his stomach, he turned his head away, staring blankly down at the book now in his hand.
She may marry someone else yet, he told himself, trying to push the idea into his mind and find himself contented with it.
In fact, despite your attempts to get to the truth about who is sending such threats, she may find herself wed to Lord Ashworth.
Somehow, I shall have to find a way for my heart to be contented with that.