6. Trace
TRACE
T he silence in the hotel room is so fucking loud it rings in my ears—louder than any concert I’ve ever been to. It’s enough to drive me crazy. I don’t know what to say, but I’m waiting for her to give me some kind of indication she wants to talk.
“What are you going to do?” she questions, wrapping her arms around her waist. “How are you going to treat me?”
The truth is, I have no idea how to handle this. I don’t have a good example of what married life is. My parents have never been happy. It’s always been playing Ward and I against the other parent, making one kid feel like they were less important than the other. I don’t think I’ve ever heard them tell each other I love you . I’m planning to wing this. What would Ward do? In the end, I decide to go with my gut.
“What I hope is the two of us can be partners in this. I don’t expect us to ever be some sort of fucking love match, but I do want us to have each other’s backs.”
“I would like that too,” she whispers. “So can you tell me where's Ward? Why wasn't he here today? Was it because he decided he didn't want to marry me?”
Taking off my suit jacket, I put it on the table and roll up my sleeves, trying to get more comfortable. Going over to the minibar, I pour a bourbon and down it in one swallow. When I turn back around, I take another look at her. I need a few moments, and the best way to get that is to get her out of this room.
“You might wanna get a little more comfortable.”
She’s still wearing the wedding dress, making me think one day she might be mine, but she never really was. This girl was meant for Ward. She wasn’t meant for what’s probably going to come to her. Just like him, she’s too good for this.
“Give me a few minutes. Do you have any idea where my suitcase might be?”
Since my parents are the ones who booked this, I’m figuring they had everything in here done to the specifications they like. Which means whoever brought this here unpacked it, even though we’re only going to be here for the night.
“It’s probably already been unpacked for you. Check the drawers.”
She does as I’ve said, opening one of the drawers. She turns with a smirk on her face. It lights up her eyes in a way nothing else has since I first saw her walking down the aisle.
That’s a moment etched into my brain, right along with the one of my brother’s face in that body bag. She looked beautiful coming down the aisle toward me.
“You were right.” Quickly she heads to the bathroom, and while she’s in there I take the chance to change too. When she comes out, she gives me a small smile.
“It’s weird for the two of us to be shy, right? We’ve already seen what’s under our clothes.”
I nod, whistling through my teeth. “Yeah, but we’ve not been vulnerable emotionally with one another.”
“It’s going to take a lot longer than this,” she shrugs. “Think I can get one of those bourbons?”
I pour her one, handing it over. She tilts her head in a thank you toward me.
“To answer your question, you were originally meant for me. As the oldest, it was always assumed I’d be the one who would marry for the good of the family, but I never wanted to be a rancher. There’s absolutely nothing I enjoy about the ranching business. My brother though, he loved it. He loved getting up at the ass crack of dawn to go out and ride the range. Was the first one to volunteer to go out in a blizzard to make sure the cows were okay.”
I haven’t spoken his name since last night; it's like a gag order has been in effect. Although he’s been on my mind all day. It hurts saying it, and knowing he’s not going to ever answer to it again. All the times I should’ve gone out riding with him when he asked, when we refused to talk to each other because our dad pitted us against one another. So many missed opportunities.
“Ward, and he was the best of everything that could’ve come out of our family. He loved being at the ranch, was great at figuring out what was the next move for us. He never needed the type of stuff I needed. I wanted mom and dad to tell me they loved me, to tell me they understood what I needed in life. I wanted to travel and practice my art. I didn’t want the responsibility. He was born for it, and he would’ve made you an incredible husband.”
“Why do you think you can’t be a good husband to me?”
Tilting my head back, I look up at the ceiling. “No one ever understood me. They never took the time to get to know who I am or what I’m about. I’m the poster child for the kid who needed his parents to love him, and they never did.”
“What about Ward?”
“Oh, he loved me,” I swallow past the lump in my throat. “He understood me in ways no one else ever tried to. He stepped forward when our dad told me I’d have to marry you. He knew I had dreams, and other things I wanted to accomplish. I had what he wanted; a way into the longevity of the ranch. He knew he’d have to marry you, and it didn’t even bother him. Whatever it took for him to have the ranch, he was willing to do.”
“It doesn’t sound like he so much as gave you your way out as he took what he wanted in the first place.”
My entire body hardens at what she’s said. It’s a visceral reaction to her thinking he was using me as much as my parents were.
“You have no idea what he was like. You have no idea what it was like growing up in the household we did. For years, we were the only friends we had.”
“Why do you keep talking about him in the past tense?” She runs a hand through her hair. “I still have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Last night, he was at the bar. He left early, because an alarm was tripped at a cattle gate. While the two of us were fucking in the backseat of my truck? He was dying. He took the turn too fast at Calder’s Curve and hit a tree. The truck he was driving rolled five times. He died on the scene. I got told right after you left.”
Her face drops, her hands clasping in front of her. I recognize it as a nervous gesture.
“I’m so sorry you lost your brother.”
“I”m sorry you lost your husband.”
The silence stretches thin and long between us. Finally, I clear my throat and continue.
“Neither one of us are in the place of power here, although it’s us who have given them that power. How does that make you feel?” I question her, because I know how it makes me feel—how I’ve always felt. None of my life was my own. From the moment I was born, the only thing that was important was doing what would allow our family to gain money, power, and land. With the land comes money and power, but we all know you can’t have all three without one.
“Like I’m being used,” she answers softly. Her eyes are dark and full of hurt. “Like all of this was planned without our feelings being taken into consideration. I’m a pawn in some sort of weird game of chess, but I have zero idea what the next move is going to be.”
“Exactly, so now we have a decision to make. Are we going to work together to get through this, or are we going to work against one another and make this more difficult than it has to be?” I reach my hand out to her.
It’s a replay of last night. She’s trying to decide if she wants to put hers in mine. Light eyes glance down at my palm. I don’t say anything because I’m scared of breaking the spell woven around us. One more time, she puts her palm in mine.
“I think I’d like to work with you.”
Pulling her into me, I take her lips, sealing our deal with a kiss. She wraps her arms around my neck, and I wrap mine around her waist, palming her ass. Lifting her, I boost her up so that her legs wrap around my middle. Walking us over to the bed, I lay her down. Hovering over her, I prop myself up on my hands.
“If we’re together, no one can break us. They will do their best to pit us against one another. They will do whatever it takes to get to whatever their endgame is.” I lean down, kissing her softly. She answers the kiss just as softly as the one I give to her.
“How will we know?” she asks, separating our lips for the briefest of seconds. “If they’re trying to pit us against each other.”
“Easy,” I grin. “If their lips are moving and words are coming out, then they’re fucking lying and trying to get us mad at one another. We have to be strong. Can you do that?”
“Only if you can.”
“I can,” I whisper. Leaning in, I get in her face, our lips centimeters apart. “Otherwise, I’ll hate you and me until the day I die.”