27. Trace
TRACE
"W hat's with the stupid grin on your face?" Kyle questions as he pulls up beside me.
I'm cleaning out the truck we use to haul bigger items. Today we have to go get feed, and if I don't clean it out from the last time Ward used it, there won't be room for us to sit. He was notorious about throwing stuff in the floorboard and promising to take care of it later.
"This isn't a stupid grin," I argue with him. "This is the grin of someone who had a really good time the other night, and got amazing news this morning."
"When you say a really good night, I'm assuming that's with your wife?" He jokes. "Because you thought it would be so hard to be married to her."
It still is, because I know it's not real. Until she's pregnant and we have something to keep us tied to one another, other than this contract, I won't believe it's real. "It was with her, but the news I got this morning is even better. We got two investors."
"Are you fucking kidding me? Meaning we can go ahead with the insemination program?" He raises his eyebrows in surprise and hopefully excitement.
"Yeah, and that money should come through by the end of the week. We can get started ASAP. I'm going to order the sperm tonight, the most expensive we've ever ordered. With the genetics testing we did, we should produce some of the top calves we've ever had. They're going to reach an optimum weight, and then we'll be able to sell. When we sell, hopefully we'll be able to get out of some of this debt my parents have put us in."
Kyle knows more than anyone what's been happening. "Have you thought about how you're going to get out of this? You know as soon as you pay the mortgage, the land note, and the credit card bills they've racked up, they're going to do it again."
There's something I've been keeping in my back pocket that I haven't told anyone about. I'm not even sure I want to mention anything now, but I know as soon as we get pregnant and have a child, we will have a leg to stand on, and I'll be able to push my parents out of their roles. "I'll figure it out," I play it off like it's not a big deal, when we both know it is. I just can't worry about it right now. If I get too bogged down with how they're living their lives, it makes me too angry to continue to plan. "They won't know what's coming, and when they finally get wind of it, they'll be too surprised to react."
"You know I'll be here for you no matter what, but I don't think it's going to be that easy," Kyle shakes his head, a look of disbelief on his face.
"I have to believe it's going to be, otherwise I'm not going to make it. My life has been turned completely around and upside down," I remind him. "I've gotta have something to hang on to."
"Hold on tight, to whatever it is. I don't want you to fall into a hole you won't be able to pull yourself out of."
"I promise, I will."
My attention is drawn to the front porch, where Katie has come out. She's shielding her eyes from the sun as she looks around the yard. When her eyes land on me, I can feel the warmth from here, can see the smile on her face. Quickly she comes down the steps, jogging over to where Kyle and I are. "Hey," she greets the two of us. "What are you doing today?"
"We're going to get feed in town," I give her a grin. "Wanna come with us?"
Kyle doesn't even hide the snort, giving me a look of not accepting my bullshit. "Yeah, wanna come with us?"
Her eyes are bright. "That's something I've never done before, are you sure you don't mind?"
It always amazes me how sheltered she was, it pains me too. She was kept sheltered so she could marry into my family. I wonder how that affected her life, and if it's why she seems so amazed by everything now. "Let me finish cleaning out the backseat, and we'll head on out."
"Let me help you," Kyle goes over to the passenger side before he opens the door and starts putting trash in one of the bags I threw over there. "This reminds me of what Ward's truck looked like in high school," he chuckles. "He was always so ready to get to the next thing, he didn't think anything about making sure it was clean."
"Never did," I agree. "Stopping to clean out the truck, or whatever else he was using would suspend his forward motion. He hated it. Of all the things he was good at, he absolutely couldn't stand to make sure he cleaned up after himself."
In the back of my mind I wonder how that would've affected him as he got older. Since I tend to put him on a pedestal, I would hope it wouldn't have gotten to a point where it affected the work he did. But now we'll never know. It's times like this when I miss him the most. When I'd like to talk to him about how he would handle things, and just be with my brother. Quietly, we finish the clean up.
"You can sit in the front," Kyle offers Katie. "The back is pretty cramped."
"Then it would make sense if I sat there since I have shorter legs than you and wouldn't be as cramped," she argues. "I really don't mind."
"I do," I speak up. She wanted us to be together, and to me that means her sitting in the passenger seat next to me. "I want you up there with me."
Her eyes soften. "If that's what you want, then that's what I'll do."
"I do."
I realize after I say the words how much I mean them. Being a team with her, a partner, is starting to become my identity and it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. What that means for us in the future, I don't know, but for now I'll just keep living my life and make room for her in it.