Chapter 6 #2
But something inside me snapped, quietly but definitively. “Is it really who I am, though?” I asked, looking up at him for the first time. “Or is it who I’ve become to fit into your world?”
Chris didn’t answer right away. He stared at me, his expression unreadable. “I didn’t force you into anything,” he said finally, his tone firm.
“No, you didn’t.” I stood up, the weight of the notebook in my hand feeling heavier by the second. “But somewhere along the way, I lost the version of me that actually mattered.”
For a moment, I thought he would argue, that he would tell me I was overreacting.
But instead, he just stood there, watching me, and in that moment, I realized something painful but necessary: he wasn’t going to fight for me.
Not in this. And maybe, I realized with a sudden clarity, I didn’t need him to.
“I remember when I used to have plans of my own, Chris,” I continued, my voice trembling slightly.
“Real plans. Not the kind that revolved around events and photo ops and making the right impressions. I had dreams for this place, something that actually mattered, but I let them go.” I glanced at the notebook again, the ink fading on pages I hadn’t looked at in years.
“Maybe I don’t want to let them go anymore. ”
He blinked, confusion flickering across his face. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about starting something of my own. Something I used to care about before I got so wrapped up in all of this.” I gestured toward the penthouse, the skyline, everything that felt suffocating now.
Chris frowned, his brows furrowing. “You don’t have to do anything, Beth. You’re already doing so much with the foundation, the galas... That’s more than enough.”
I shook my head, my voice growing stronger now.
“No, Chris. It’s not enough, and you know it.
It’s not enough because I haven’t been living for myself.
I’ve been living for everyone else, for what looks good on the outside.
” He opened his mouth to protest, but I cut him off, my heart pounding in my chest. “I’ve been trying to be the person you want me to be, but I’m done.
I want to go back to who I used to be, or at least figure out what that looks like now. ”
There it was. The truth, finally out in the open.
Chris stared at me with disbelief in his eyes. “What does that mean, Beth? You can’t just undo years of?—“
“I can.” My voice was steady now, the fear giving way to something I hadn’t felt in a long time. “I can stop trying to be this perfect version of a wife for you, this society figurehead you need by your side. I can’t be that person anymore, and you have to let me find out what else there is.”
He didn’t respond for a long time. His jaw clenched, the muscles in his face tensing as he processed what I was saying.
Finally, he nodded slowly, though it looked more like he was humoring me than understanding.
“You’re upset,” he said. “This is just a reaction to last night. You’ll feel different once you calm down. ”
I almost laughed. How typical of him to think that I could be reasoned away, like I was just having a moment of weakness that he could fix with a few soothing words.
“No, Chris,” I said, stepping toward him, my resolve hardening with each word.
“This isn’t about last night, though it’s been building up for a long time. I’m not backing down on this.”
He reached for me, his hand resting on my arm like he wanted to pull me closer, like he could change my mind if he just touched me the right way.
But it wouldn’t work this time. I stepped back, pulling away from him.
The pain in his eyes was real, but so was the pain in my chest, and this time, I wasn’t going to ignore it.
“Beth, don’t.” His voice was low, a warning.
“Don’t what?” I shot back. “Don’t leave? Or don’t change? Because I have to. If I don’t, I’ll lose myself completely, and I can’t do that, Chris.” I took a deep breath, the tears threatening to spill over. “I can’t do it.”
“Look, I can tell that this conversation is more than we can handle right now,” Chris said. “I’ve got to go away for a few days for business. Take some time and think about what you want out of our marriage, about the things you have here, and we’ll figure this out when I get back. Okay?”
I swallowed hard and gave a small, defeated nod, though I knew deep down there wasn’t much to figure out anymore. “Okay.” It was the only word I could manage, and as I spoke it, a tear slipped down my cheek. “Just don’t be gone too long.”
He sighed, his eyes searching mine for something, anything to hold on to. But we were both standing at the edge now, the only question left was who would be the first to let go. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Chris left shortly after. And I sat down at my desk, the notebook still in front of me, the dream that had once felt so distant suddenly feeling like my only way out.
It wasn’t going to be easy, but for the first time in years, it felt like the right choice.
The world outside was still spinning, but I wasn’t going to let it pull me under any longer.