Chapter 19 #2
Her eyes snapped open. “No.” She rolled over mumbling curses because she’d finally fallen asleep. “Fine.” She’d rather spend time with Jordan anyway.
There were lit candles everywhere in the living room, at least twenty of them.
He was sitting in front of the record player hooked up to the sound system, sifting through vinyl records.
Blankets and pillows were in their usual nesting spot, along with a tray of midnight desserts—rosemary citrus sorbet, buttery blueberry scones, an assortment of creamy cheeses. Her latest favorites.
“Hey.” He had the raised eyebrows and hopeful eyes of an attentive evil genius.
“You woke me up.”
“You never go to bed this early.”
She checked the time. The clocks were apparently in on his scheme.
“Zinnia—”
“I don’t want to talk about today.”
“I understand if you need space. That’s fine. But if you’re mad—”
“I’m not mad at you.”
“Will you let me finish? Stop doing that.”
She broke their staring stalemate first by crossing her arms and then gesturing for him to continue.
“You have every right to be upset and I don’t want to make things worse,” he said.
“About a year ago, I went to counseling with an ex. I wanted to break up, but she wanted to try so I went, and I learned something that has stuck with me ever since. Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments. I don’t want us to fall into that trap because—”
“I’m not ready to talk about today.”
He forcefully exhaled. “The thing is, I’m already in the trap but it’s not with you. It’s with my family. When you are ready, please don’t hide your honesty from me anymore. I want to know everything.”
“Okay.” She fidgeted in place. “So, did you wake me up on purpose?”
He scoffed into a smile. “I didn’t even know you were asleep.”
“What’s that, then?” She pointed to the tray.
“My just-in-case plan.” He tapped the spot next to him. “Come pick a record. We’ll listen to whatever you want.”
As soon as she sat down, he draped a blanket over her shoulders and tucked her into his side while she browsed through the records.
“Are these yours?”
“This is my estate collection. I have another one at home.”
Almost nothing was familiar. There was a little bit of every genre, spanning decades from one choice to the next. “Ooh! My parents love him.” She handed him the Luther Vandross greatest hits record. “ ‘Here and Now’ is their song.”
He slipped it out of the case and put it on.
“When I was ten, my parents renewed their vows for their tenth anniversary. A whole first dance do-over and they chose that song again anyway.” She smiled thinking about that day. “I vividly remember saying that if I ever got married, my first dance would be to ‘Viva Forever’ by the Spice Girls.”
“Excellent choice.” He had the good sense to not outright laugh. “You had superior taste for a ten-year-old.”
She stared straight ahead, suddenly feeling a little lost. “During our first meeting at your store you mentioned the Spice Girls. I know you were just joking, but I thought it was a sign. The universe secretly trying to tell me that I’d get to have a first dance after all.”
His amused grin instantly vanished. “I didn’t know that.”
“No one did. That’s how signs work.” She grabbed the closest pillow and lay down, curling into a ball inside the blanket.
Eyes closed, she concentrated on listening to Luther sing his soulful heart out.
Feeling so sentimental so often was fairly new for her.
Something about Jordan managed to not only knock the feeling loose, but also extract it like a baby tooth—making much-needed space for stronger emotions to grow in its place.
When she opened her eyes, she watched Jordan staring at the ceiling. He’d stretched out next to her.
She shook out her blanket and flung some of it over his chest to share.
He laughed softly, fondly. “I’m all right.”
She made a quick disagreeing grunt and moved closer to give him more.
“Ah.” Finally getting the message, he rolled onto his side to face her and held still while she made sure he was covered too.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Zin.”
She found his hand to hold under the blanket. “Today sucked, but this is really nice. What’s your perfect Friday night? In general.”
He thought about it. “Can I cheat a little? My perfect weekend is sailing.”
“You have a boat?”
“I rent a boat.”
“But you could buy a boat if you wanted to.” She grinned. “I’ve always wanted to shake my ass on a yacht.”
He squeezed her hand. “Renting is better for the economy and planet, now shush. I prefer sailboats. Casting off feels similar to going on a long drive. I just zone out, ignore everything, and get lost in my thoughts. Spend some time taking pictures. Read a little, but usually the current knocks me out before I even make it to the second page. It’s peaceful. I know that sounds boring.”
“If you think that, then you don’t know anything,” she joked.
“Well, here it is. I’m supposed to want to go to parties, drink and do drugs, gossip and network. I’ve always wanted to have a quiet life.”
“I’ve always wanted the kind of quiet life you share with another person,” she whispered. “Could I go with you sometime?”
“Sailing? Yeah. I’d love that, actually.” He was braver than her—never needing to hide behind whispers. His warm brown eyes shone in the candlelight as he said, “Everything feels quiet when I’m with you.”
She was breathing so fast, too fast. Growing pains were normal. These moments were supposed to hurt.
“I know you have Grace and Fiona, but I’m never not hoping you’ll remember that you have me too.”
Holding her breath seemed like a good idea.
“I need you to believe me, Zinnia. You have me. Completely.”
Her lungs were getting tight.
“Whenever, however, and whatever you need. I’ll be there.”
She was running out of air.
“Here. Right here beside you.”
She inhaled and kissed him.
Her senses overdosed on him—his familiar scent conjuring memories of his beautiful face, the mix of smooth skin and stubble under her trembling hands, the lingering taste of sugar and citrus on his tongue, his deep inhales and throaty exhales, the feel of his heartbeat against her chest. She had all of him, all at once.
The day had finally taken its toll because Zinnia officially lost her mind. Jordan would pull away. He would calmly explain to her that no, kissing wasn’t okay. This wasn’t what he’d meant at all. She kept kissing him while waiting for him to let her down gently.
Her negative thoughts almost blocked out the fact that he was doing the exact opposite.
Jordan normally had the patience of a saint, but he’d renounced his vow. She could feel how eager he was to hold her, to have her, to kiss her with a confident tenderness that ricocheted through her entire body.
Zinnia had to turn away, burying her face in the pillow to breathe, to think. But then he coaxed her back to him with delicate kisses on her cheek.
Nothing mattered anymore. Had anything ever?
He gently bit her now-swollen bottom lip and she exhaled around a moan. His hand was underneath her shirt, firmly pressed between her shoulder blades. Skin so sensitive, it felt like her nerve endings were trying to memorize every line of his palm.
An overpowering feeling of warmth and safety enveloped her until she was too exhausted to focus. Too breathless to see when he made a trail of kisses down her neck to the hollow of her throat. She arched her back and grabbed his face to make him stop.
Jordan pressed his forehead against hers, breathing just as hard. “Zinnia.”
She squeezed her eyes shut. He wasn’t supposed to whisper her name like that. The sound of it resonated under her skin and spread like wildfire, flourishing in places it had no business being.
“I just—” She paused, panting. “I just need a minute.”
“Okay.” He kissed her chin. “Okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
Shopping with Lulie, the incident with the stalker, feeling isolated, feeling wanted, homesickness, kissing Jordan, wanting Jordan—everything coalesced into slabs of stone being placed on her chest. One after the other. Crushing her to death.
“I’m about to start crying,” she warned him. “Not because of you. You didn’t do anything.”
That wasn’t true. He’d changed everything.
Jordan moved to a sitting position and took her with him. He sat her in his lap, tucked her head under his chin, and massaged her spine the way he knew she liked. She wound her arms around him and sobbed herself to sleep.