Chapter Four
Donovan
I ’m trying not to let on how nervous I am.
Being a nurse, I know it doesn’t make sense to most people, that there’s something in my brain that makes me take injury and illness with those I care about to the extreme, but I know it comes from my own struggles as a kid.
One day I just woke up with my body hurting, and it steadily got worse.
I had a million tests, spent too much time feeling broken, laid up in bed in agony, not to mention my parents’ worry, the money, the diagnosis, and everything that followed.
People don’t realize how debilitating arthritis can be, but it turned my family upside down. It made my parents argue and cry and get second jobs. It made me feel like I was dying some days, and though I’ve been in remission for almost nine years, I live in fear of it returning.
And I can’t help but go to worst-case scenario with those I love, and Eric is being super strange about this accident. Any other time, he would have told me last night. He wouldn’t have been unsure about going to the doctor, and I can’t figure out why he is now.
We don’t talk much on the drive over. I pull up out front and tell him, “Stay here. I’ll get a wheelchair.”
He blanches, his eyes wide. “Hell no. I don’t need a wheelchair.”
“Macho man is too macho?” I cock a brow at him.
“No.” He crosses his arms.
“Be good and listen to Daddy,” I tease, which just makes his pout grow, but I can also tell he’s trying to bite back a smile.
“You’re the one who told me to come over and take care of you.
So basically, all this is your fault.” I give him a smile, though it’s not totally real because I’m worried there’s more going on with Eric than he’s telling me…
which makes no sense at all. We tell each other everything.
That’s who we are, who we’ve always been.
But then, I also didn’t explain to him that the reason I’m extra cautious about seeing him naked is that I never want to do anything to make him uncomfortable or make him think I have anything other than platonic feelings for him because I’m always scared to death of losing him.
It’s a tale as old as time, right? Gay guy falls in love with straight best friend and ruins everything. I’ll never let that happen with us.
“You’re not going to let this go, are you?” he says, interrupting my thoughts.
“Absolutely not.”
“Fine. Let’s get this over with.”
“Fractures make you cranky.”
He snaps his head in my direction. “You really think it’s broken?”
“Who knows, babe. Hopefully not.” But I do think it is.
I get out of the car and head into urgent care. Luckily, they have a wheelchair available, but one of the nurses has to accompany me because they’re clearly afraid I’ll steal it.
I roll my eyes when I see Eric leaning against the car with his arms crossed, the sun glinting off his blond hair. Because of course he couldn’t just chill out and wait for me to help him.
“You’re not being a very good patient.” Which, again, isn’t like him. Eric likes to be spoiled. Hell, I do too, and we have a habit of doing that for each other.
I take his arm and help him into the chair.
“Sorry, D,” he grumbles.
“You’re fine. You have an excuse. I’ll go park the car and be right back.”
I find a spot, then make my way inside. It’s packed, of course. It’s LA, and everything is busy here all the time. Eric’s in the wheelchair, in a corner, filling out paperwork on a tablet, so I head over and take a seat beside him.
“This will take hours. You can head out and come back to pick me up,” he says, and I frown.
“Why would I do that? How many times were you stuck with me when I was at doctors’ appointments or PT? Now it’s my turn.” I nudge his arm gently. “What’s wrong? Other than the obvious.”
“Nothing. I’m just stressed.” Eric rubs a hand over his face.
“I’m sorry.” I wrap an arm around him and play with his hair the way he loves. I immediately feel him relax, letting me pet him while he does his paperwork. When he finishes, I offer, “Want me to take that up for you?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t want you to lose your seat.”
Well, that makes sense, I guess. I did get the last one, and it’s right on the end, so he can be beside me.
Eric puts the tablet on his lap, then wheels over to the front desk. I pull out my cell to message Anthony and Hayes that I can’t make it to our Jilted Exes lunch today since I’ll be with Eric.
Even though I hate everything that went down with Malcolm, and honestly feel it changed me, I’m grateful to have met Anthony and Hayes.
We message back and forth, me telling them about his ankle, while they keep Eric at the front desk so long, I’m beginning to fear there’s a possibility of kidnapping.
I glance up just as he’s making his way back over, looking pale. “What happened?”
“Nothing. I just think I need to eat something. I didn’t have dinner last night or breakfast this morning.”
“Jesus. Why didn’t you say anything? I’ll go get you some—”
“No.” He reaches out, hand on mine and keeping me in the chair.
“I don’t want you to go.” Eric’s cheeks get slightly pink.
Just a little while ago he was telling me I could go, but now he’s asking me to stay.
This reaction rings true and feels a whole lot more like Eric.
Again, we’re codependent, but I don’t feel it’s in an unhealthy way.
Or I guess as healthy as codependency can be.
Whatever. We’re just us. “I’ve never broken something before. ”
I can’t help but grin. Eric is the most adorable golden retriever there is, and I love him for it. “How about I get something out of the vending machine, at least?”
“Two somethings?” He perks up, and I chuckle.
“Deal.”
I head over and get him Nutter Butters and plain potato chips, which he loves. I already ate breakfast, so I don’t get myself food, but I do get each of us a water.
“Where’s the soda?” Eric asks when I come back.
“You get a soda if you drink the water first. You never drink enough water.” He’s terrible about it.
“Water is gross.”
“It tastes like nothing.”
“Exactly. Which is why it’s gross.”
“You’re such a kid.” I give him the snacks and the drink, then sit beside him.
When an hour passes, I go up and ask for ice for Eric’s ankle. I’m not feeling super confident in their give-a-shit capacity here, but they give the ice over. Maybe I should have brought him to the ED where I work, but I figure his emergency room co-pay is higher than for the urgent care.
Finally, three hours after we arrive, they call Eric to the back. I push his chair toward the door, making sure to give them the look that says the only person who can talk me out of going back there with him is Eric himself, but luckily, they don’t call me on it.
They take his vitals. His blood pressure is slightly higher than normal, but I figure that’s because of the pain and stress.
“Yeah, it definitely looks angry.” The medical assistant nods toward his ankle. “The doctor should be here in just a minute.”
She excuses herself, and I look over to Eric to say something, but he’s bent forward, elbows on his knees, good leg bouncing.
“Hey, are you nervous about the doctor?” I’ve never known him to have any medical anxiety like that, but also, as long as I’ve known him, I’ve never been to the doctor with Eric.
It was always the other way around. But after losing his dad to cancer, it makes sense he would feel overwhelmed here and…
does that mean he was feeling that way every time he came with me only he hid it?
“No. I just…you’re gonna kill me.”
That makes me frown. “I highly doubt that. What happened?”
“I was trying not to tell you, but I’m freaking the fuck out here.”
My heart nearly beats its way out of my chest. I’ve got to be the one with higher blood pressure right now as my head spins with all the things Eric might have to say.
Before I can ask him what’s happening, Eric drops his head back, closes his eyes, and says, “I don’t have medical insurance.”
“Excuse me, what?”
“I don’t have medical insurance. Cliff doesn’t offer it.
I looked into a private policy, but it’s outrageously expensive.
I knew the rent at my apartment would be going up, and I thought, what the hell?
I’m a young, healthy guy. What could go wrong?
And I get that it was stupid, okay? Especially because I know what you’ve been through, and I know how us having good insurance saved my family with Dad.
It was dumb, so please don’t tell me that. ”
His speech knocks the wind out of me for a moment, distracting me from the core issue. “I would never call you dumb. You know that, right? You’re not stupid, babe. I’ve never thought that.” But I know Eric does—it’s one of the few things he tries to hide from me.
“Well, you probably should because obviously, I am.”
“Don’t say that.” He gives me a frustrated look, so I add, “I’m serious.
It was a mistake. We all make them, and it’s not your fault that the medical industry in this country is fucked up.
It shouldn’t bankrupt people to carry insurance or to get sick, but I just…
why didn’t you tell me? That things have been so difficult? ”
He opens his mouth to respond just as the door opens and the doctor comes in. “Good afternoon, Mr. Markham. Let’s take a look at that ankle.”
The air in the room is thick as the doctor does his exam.
I watch carefully the whole time, making sure he’s giving Eric a thorough examination, which helps distract from the fact that my best friend in the world, my person, has been having money issues and I didn’t know.
He doesn’t have medical insurance, and he didn’t feel comfortable telling me.
Probably because he knew I’d freak out, that I would worry, and Eric is always trying to take care of me.
Even though I try, I’m never able to take care of him in the same ways.
“I’ll bring you out for an X-ray,” the doctor says. I’ve never, in the history of my time as an RN, seen a doctor do that, but of course he would today, so I don’t have another few minutes alone with Eric.
The thing is, I make decent money as a single RN without a family to take care of.
Eric knows I would be able and willing to help him with anything, but the fact that he didn’t tell me says he didn’t want to take money from me, which kills me.
Doesn’t he know I could give him all the money in the world and it would never repay him for everything he’s given me?
Not just counting who he was to me when I was growing up, but who he’s been to me as an adult too.
I was devastated last year when everything went down with Malcolm.
At the time, I couldn’t even grieve in private.
We’d gone viral, no one online thinking about the person on the other end of the story, their lies, their think pieces, their jokes and cruelty.
We were just names to them, not real people with real feelings.
I’d been embarrassed, alone, crushed, and Eric hadn’t left my side.
And now, the easiest thing I can give him, I know he’d be reluctant to take.
I wish there was a way I could cover him on my insurance. I have excellent coverage through the hospital, and he’s family to me in all the ways that matter.