Chapter Fifteen
Eric
“T his is all your fault,” I tell Ana as I sit in the passenger seat of her car.
She’s running errands for Hayes today, and she took mercy on me and agreed to let me tag along.
I’d been so excited to tell Donovan I’m at least a little bisexual, but then I started overthinking it.
Would he be weirded out that I watched gay porn for the first time after our simultaneous jerk-off session?
I talked myself out of that worry because it’s us, me and Dono.
My favorite person in the world. The one who never makes me feel stupid about anything, even though I’m known to do some ridiculous things.
But then something strange happened. He got home this morning, and I…
it’s like I had a lobotomy or something, which only got worse when he began talking about me having orgies and brought up Ana again.
That must have been his way of telling me he regrets jerk night , right? He’s letting me down easy that nope, he doesn’t want to see me naked again, so please don’t do that to him again.
Which I can’t lie, really fucking sucks.
“I’m so confused as to what is even happening here,” Ana says. “What’s my fault, and why did I have to pick you up so quickly?”
I sigh. It’s strange talking to someone other than Donovan, but I think it would be physically impossible for me to hold it in. Plus, I need some advice. “Donovan and I are married.”
She blanches. “What?”
“It’s not what you think.” I explain about the insurance and how Donovan came up with the plan to get hitched.
“There are so many things I want to say right now, but I’m not sure I should.”
“Don’t. I’m already confused enough, and I need to get all this off my chest.”
“Fine. My lips are sealed. Carry on.”
“It’s sex talk, is that okay?” I ask.
“Of course. You don’t have to ask.”
“Consent is important, and we’ve never spoken like that before.”
Ana tosses me a grin. “You’re the absolute sweetest. You have an open invitation to talk sex with me.”
“The night after you started saying all that stuff about me and Donovan, I got a boner when we were watching television together.”
She shoots me a glance. “You’ve never gotten hard over him before?”
“No. I’m straight. Or I thought I was straight. Now I think I’m bi, but I’ll get to that part later. I don’t even know if it was him that got me hard, but then he got wood too, so we decided each of us would go into our room, stroke it, then resume watching our show.”
A loud laugh jumps out of her.
“Why are you laughing at me?”
She tries to cover it up or quiet it down, but it doesn’t work. “I’m not. I mean, I am, but not at you. The two of you are just fucking adorable, and you don’t even see it.”
“Don’t say stuff like that! It’s what got me in this mess in the first place. Anyway, so when I was…”
“Masturbating? Don’t get quiet on me now.”
My face flushes. “Yes. I started thinking about Donovan. That’s never happened before. I was for sure imagining him when I got my nut, which I’ve since been obsessing about. Which led to the gay porn last night.”
“Porn with Donovan?”
My turn to blanch. “He’s not a sex worker. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a sex worker. Sex work is real work.”
“I was talking about watching with him, silly.” She reaches over and pats my thigh.
“Oh, no. He was with Hayes and Anthony. I was alone, and…it was hot. Not Donovan hot, but it got my dick hard—which must mean I’m into guys at least a little bit.
Does it work that way? Is it like a fifty-fifty thing normally?
I have no idea. The point is, I was going to tell Donovan, ask him if he wanted to test it out with me, but then he started talking about you and orgies.
” I cross my arms, annoyed all over again.
“Okay, what? I have to pull over.” She finds a parking lot and turns into a space. “There’s so much to unpack in what you just said, but first…Donovan wants us to have an orgy?”
“Not with him. He’s only into guys, and I don’t even think he was talking about me having one with you. He just said I’m welcome to hook up with anyone I want, and he doesn’t care if I have an orgy, and then he also said it’s okay if I decide I’m more than friends with you.”
Her eyes go soft, and a small smile curls her lips.
“You know him better than me, but it sounds like he’s possibly worried about how you’re feeling after the night you jerked off—you must admit, it’s an interesting thing to do—and maybe he just wants to make sure you know you don’t owe him anything.
Donovan is gay, and you’re supposed to be straight, so it wouldn’t be surprising if he’s concerned you might think it meant something different to him. ”
“We already talked about that when he said he never let himself see me naked because he didn’t want me to feel like he was checking me out. I explained I have zero issues with him seeing me naked.”
“Yeah, well, he’s only human, and sometimes it’s hard to get past some of those stress points that get into our heads. It’s not always possible to change years of thinking after one conversation.”
Good point. And really, that’s so fucking Donovan that I’m annoyed at myself for not having thought about it first. But then, I’d been all up in my feels because I thought he was turning me away before I even got to tell him my news. “True.”
“If you don’t mind, I’m going to be honest with you a moment. Don’t you think it’s interesting that you’ve never had a second thought about being naked with Donovan?”
I frown. “Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he’s attracted to every man he sees.”
“It’s sweet that you’re defending him, but that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying, maybe you should explore why this is something that’s come up, why you’re suddenly getting erections in front of him and thinking about him when you’re jerking off.”
That’s exactly what I’m trying to do—explore my bisexuality with Donovan.
And the why of it, well… “Things are just different right now. We’re living together.
I’m clearly just figuring out men can do it for me.
And also, I’m in a dry spell.” I pump my brows, and she laughs.
“I wouldn’t feel comfortable having sex with someone else while I’m married to Donovan, though, and now that I know I’m into guys too, I can’t pretend I’m not curious about that.
I trust Donovan, so I’m thinking that’s why this is all coming out now.
We created the perfect storm for…testing the waters, but unfortunately, I’m fairly certain he’s not going to want to do that with me. ”
“I believe you might have more of a chance than you think.” Ana winks. “Talk to him. You two are lucky you have such a close relationship that you can do that. And just…see where things go.”
I nod, knowing she’s right. Even without her having said it, I would have come to the conclusion that I just need to tell Donovan how I feel. It might not always be instantaneous, but we always get there. “Thanks, Ana. It’s nice…talking to you.”
She reaches over and gives me a hug. “It’s nice talking to you too. Now do I get a chance to whine about being in love with my ex?”
I grin. “Abso-fucking-lutely. Want me to talk to him?”
“No, but I’ll let you know if I change my mind.”
Ana pulls out of the lot, and we get back to her errands.
*
As soon as I walk in the door at home, I say, “I need to talk to you,” only I’m not the only one speaking. At the same time, Donovan says, “Did I do something wrong?”
“What? God no. Why would you think that?” I sit down next to him on the couch. He’s knitting, which means he’s stressing or needs to shut off his mind.
“You left.”
“You literally said I should go call Ana.”
“Okay, solid point. But you were being different this morning even before I said that.” His gaze is tilted toward his lap and the blanket he’s making. “I was worried you’ve been thinking about the other night and regretting it.”
I sigh. “For two people who are so close, we haven’t been doing a good job talking lately.”
“In our defense, twenty-four hours seems to be the longest we go. It’s not like we’re over here, miscommunicating for days. We’re just…delayed lately.”
I smile because that totally works. “And at least we’re delayed together.”
“We’re always everything together.” He turns sideways on the couch and looks at me.
“I said that weird orgy thing because I don’t want you to feel any obligation to me.
I don’t regret the marriage. It makes me breathe easier knowing you’re more secure.
It’s shitty that it’s the world we live in, but it is.
And the more I think about it, the guiltier I feel.
Like I put you in this terrible situation—”
“That I agreed to,” I cut him off. “I said yes because I wanted to. I like that you want to take care of me that way. It makes me feel good, D. No one’s ever loved me like you.” It’s true, even though it’s not romantic love we’re talking about.
His face twists up slightly, in a confused way, but just seconds later, the scrunched-up expression slides away. “No one has ever loved me like you either.”
“Seriously. Best husbands ever.” I wink, and he rolls his eyes.
“We seem to be doing the runaround lately, both of us suddenly insecure and needing reassurance.”
I nod. “Let’s promise to try and not do that anymore. Things have been all over the place lately.”
“I agree. Do you want to tell me why you seemed so uncomfortable when I got home? Something was going on. The cinnamon roll is still on the counter, babe. That’s not you.”
No, no it’s not. “Actually…I kinda want that now.”
He chuckles, gets up, and brings it to me along with a paper towel. I tear off a bite, pop it into my mouth, and moan at the deliciousness.
“Oh my God. Earlier me totally missed out.”
“Hey, at least current you is happy.”
Very, very happy. I finish chewing and swallowing while trying to sort through my thoughts. How does one tell their gay best friend that they busted their nut to gay porn and wondered if they’d be willing to let you test out some real-life experience with them?
“I watched gay porn last night,” I blurt out, and Donovan’s eyes go wide.
“What…I…why?”
“Because I was curious. The other night…with the jerking off? I thought about you. When I, well, you know.”
“Came?”
“Yes. That. And basically, the whole time. I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.”
“I thought about you too,” Donovan admits. “I’ve felt like the biggest fucking asshole ever since…but you… It makes sense for me, even though we’re just friends, but I’m gay and you’re a sexy guy. Why would you…” He trails off, but his gaze never leaves mine.
“I have no idea! That’s what I was trying to figure out with the porn, and it worked. Really fucking well. I came all over the place, and I was into the two guys together. So I guess I’m bi? But I have some questions about how all that works.”
He chuckles. “It doesn’t work one way for everyone. What’s authentic for one queer man might not be the same experience as what another has.”
That makes sense.
“And keeping it real, I don’t know how much help I’d be. Certain queer things, yes, but I’m not attracted to women. Maybe Rylan…?”
I think about it for a moment. “I’m not sure I want to go that far yet. I was thinking about testing it out first. Night one was just me with you in my head, and last night was just me with two dudes on a screen. So I was thinking I should hook up with a guy and see if I’m into it.”
He pales. Does he hate the idea that much? My heart drops.
“You want my help finding a guy to have sex with? I, um, yeah, I can—”
“What? No! I want to have sex with you,” I reply, and his mouth drops open cutely.
Not that it should be cute—he’s pale with a fish mouth—but it is.
“Not like, sex sex. But jerking off? With touching, though. I figure that’s a good place to start.
It makes perfect sense between us. I trust you, feel comfortable with you, and hopefully you feel the same.
We know there’s nothing romantic between us, so it’s just…
an experiment. If it goes well, we can try more stuff.
We’re married and live together. Why not get some orgasms out of it! ”
Jesus, a million words just came out of my mouth, and Donovan isn’t saying anything in return.
“You want me to jack you off?” he finally asks.
“I was thinking I’d do it to you. I mean, a handjob is a handjob. I don’t know how proper our experimentation will be if I’m the one receiving. What if I don’t like touching someone else’s dick?”
He stares at me for a moment, his mouth open again. I reach over and close it, which Donovan lets me do, but he still doesn’t talk for, like, a hundred years.
“You don’t have to. I would never want you to do something you’re not into. Like I said, it just seems like it would be easy sex for us, but only if you’re as curious as I am. Or as horny. You can tell me if you don’t like the idea.”
“I like it,” rushes out of his mouth.
“I like it too. Come on. Let’s go.”
“Right now?” Donovan asks.
“Did you want to wait? I’m getting hard just thinking about it.”
Donovan swallows, nods, and then stands.
Fuck yes. I can’t wait.