Chapter Twenty-Four
Donovan
Me: Emergency meeting of the Jilted Exes’ Club. Stat.
Hayes: Uh-oh. What happened with you and Eric this time?
Anthony: Did you realize you’re in love?
Me: I’m dying. Seriously freaking out here. When can we meet?
Hayes: Rylan is traveling. Our place?
Anthony: I’m free. Need me to pick you up, Donovan?
Me: Thanks, but I’m good. I can drive. I’ll head over now. Thank you both. I don’t know what I’d do without you.
Hayes: That’s what friends are for.
Anthony: We got you.
Eric and I have been fucking like rabbits the last couple of days, and I’m totally and incredibly screwed. Well, clearly, I’m screwed since we don’t go much time without his dick in my ass, but that’s not the kind of screwed I mean right now.
If I thought we were acting like a real couple before, it’s even worse now. He kisses me when he goes into the other room, holds my hand at odd times, and is basically like Velcro.
I’m not complaining. No one has ever wanted to be as close to me as Eric does. It makes sense for us, but it’s one hundred percent messed with my brain, and odds are, things will get really, really messy.
I grab my wallet and head for the door. Eric is with Ana, which is the perfect time for me to go see Hayes and Anthony.
I’m surprised that the thought of Eric and Ana together doesn’t make me jealous because holy fuck, I was jealous before.
What in the crappy best friend was that, and how did I not realize it?
Luckily, this time I’m too in my head about us to feel anything else.
My fingers tap on the steering wheel the whole drive to Hayes and Rylan’s place in Hermosa Beach.
It’s a huge house on the water. From what I’ve heard, a lot of professional sports players live in the area, but I know Mads doesn’t. He seems to march to the beat of his own drum.
Anthony pulls up right behind me. He gives me a knowing smile when he sees me. “Get things sorted out?”
“I did, and it’s devastating. Let’s get inside so I only have to say it once.”
He nods. We make our way to the front door, which Hayes opens before we can knock. “Is everything okay?”
“No. It’s terrible.” I walk into the house.
“Did he hurt you?” Hayes’s tone is serious.
“What? No. That’s part of the problem.”
“I’m confused,” Anthony says. “You want him to hurt you and he’s not into that?”
“No! Everything is getting mixed up here. I think I’m in love with Eric.
” I turn to face them, waiting for a response, but they both just stand there like they’re waiting for me to say more.
“I’m pretty sure I’ve always been in love with Eric and just didn’t let myself see it.
I was so insistent on building walls between us, walls that would prevent him from ever questioning how I might feel about him, that I somehow kept myself locked out of the truth too. ”
They stare.
Blink.
Hayes breaks the silence first. “You really didn’t know?”
Anthony swats him lightly on the arm.
“I mean…congrats?” Hayes says, and Anthony sighs.
“Sorry. You guys know how bad I am at this stuff. I just didn’t realize you didn’t actually know.
I thought you were just keeping it to yourself, but then, it took me a while to realize I loved Rylan too.
Not most of my life, but…shit. I’m shutting up now. ”
I can’t help but laugh. It’s such a Hayes response, and it helps lower my stress level.
I sit down on the couch, making their black cat, Puck, run away. “I’m so fucked.” I drop my head against the back of the couch.
“No. You’re not.” Anthony walks over and sits next to me. “I told you before, Eric is crazy about you.”
“But he’s not in love with me.”
“How do you know?” Hayes asks, sitting down on my other side.
“Because Eric isn’t the type of person to keep something like that locked inside. If he’s in love with me, he would have told me.”
Anthony puts his hand on my thigh. “Maybe he doesn’t realize it either. Maybe the two of you have been so determined not to fuck up your friendship for so long, you’ve both tricked yourselves into not seeing what the rest of the world sees.”
I blanch. “You think this is going to fuck up our friendship? Oh my God. I knew it was destined to fail!” I rub my hands over my face in frustration.
“Shit,” Ant curses. “That’s not what I meant.
You both care about each other so much, you’re afraid it’ll happen, but I really don’t think it will.
God, I thought Eric was in love with you before I realized you felt the same.
You don’t notice how much his world revolves around you, how his eyes are always on you.
It’s like you’re the center of his universe. ”
I…don’t know what to say. I want it to be true, of course, but I can’t help being skeptical. “That’s because we’re such close friends. I don’t think people understand our friendship.”
“No,” Hayes says. “I don’t think that’s what it is either.”
“How can Eric feel that way about me? It doesn’t make sense. He’s not a relationship guy. He’s never in his twenty-eight years felt the urge to have more with someone, and…” And if he was, why would he choose me? I attract men like Malcolm or no one at all.
“Don’t do that,” Hayes says as if reading my mind.
“Don’t think yourself unworthy because Malcolm didn’t see your worth.
I almost did that with Rylan, and look what I would have lost out on.
” I can’t speak for a moment, unsure what to say, and Hayes goes on.
“Do you think it’s impossible for someone to fall for me because Malcolm was an asshole? ”
“No! Of course not. But this is different.”
“It’s not different, hun.” Anthony squeezes my hand.
“Every guy I’ve ever been with has only wanted to fuck me…until Malcolm. He was my first boyfriend, and even he didn’t really want me.”
“He was my first boyfriend too,” Hayes reminds me.
“And mine,” Anthony says.
Hayes takes my other hand. “He targeted us because there’s something wrong with him, not us. It was one of you two who told me that.”
That feels different, though. It’s always different when it’s someone else. God, how could Eric and I have let this happen? It could be the biggest heartbreak of my life…
But it could also be the best thing to ever happen to me.
“Talk to him,” Anthony prods. “This is Eric. You trust him more than anyone in the world. Whether he feels the same or not, the two of you are too strong to let this come between you.”
No. He wouldn’t, but… “You don’t know him like I do.
He’d rather suffer than hurt me. What if he’s so afraid of hurting me that he goes along with what I say to make sure that doesn’t happen?
” It’s why I’ve made sure each step we took was his idea.
Yes, I’m the one who brought up getting married, but that was in title only.
The jerking off, the touching, kissing, blowjobs, handholding, and even the fucking, that’s all been Eric’s suggestions.
I wanted it, still want it, but I needed him to lead the way.
“That sounds like a bit of a reach,” Hayes says gently. “He cares about you, but are you sure he would get into a relationship with you just so he doesn’t upset you?”
“Or,” Anthony joins in, “do you think it’s more that you just don’t see how incredible you are, so you’ll tell yourself anything other than believing that Eric might love you the way you love him?”
I feel super called out right now. “I don’t know, honestly.” And what matters most is if I can risk it or not. They’re right, though. Eric and I talk about everything. It feels wrong to keep this from him, but fear of losing him is a pretty strong motivator too. “I’ll think about it.”
It’s the best answer I can give right now.
“So…wanna tell us what prompted this sudden change?” Anthony’s brows bounce up and down.
“He finally fucked me. You have no idea how good it was,” I admit. But really, that’s not the only reason I realized I’m in love with Eric. It’s just everything about him.
“Sex is so much fun,” Hayes says dreamily. “I never knew it could be so good until Rylan.”
“Okay, the two of you aren’t making me jealous at all. I met this guy at Lush the other night and went home with him. It wasn’t what I was hoping for.”
We lose ourselves in sex talk. From there I tell them about our new cat, whom we named Butterscotch, and holding hands at the farmers’ market, which makes them tell me I’m an idiot and Eric is in love with me.
I probably smile too big.
I do have to talk to him, though. If I don’t, this will eat me alive, and that will be what comes between Eric and me.
I don’t know when or how or what to say, but I’m going to admit to Eric that I’m in love with him, and hope like hell this whole thing doesn’t blow up in our faces.