33. Chapter 33 - Rosalyn
I’ve never seen such a thing.
The pile of boxes could be taller than me if I stacked them.
“This is too much.” My hands wring with guilt as Cade drops the last load from the delivery truck.
“Wait until I introduce you to flea markets.” He grins, unzipping his thick coat. “When we get to Texas, you’ll need some furniture for your room. They’re the best places to find some old treasures, like me.” He adds the last part with a wicked glint in his honey eyes.
“You’ll be in one? I’ve seen pictures. They’re like a second hand store?” I know those really well. They’re all that Momma would shop at for me. She always said when I earned my worth, I could have new things.
That memory sours my belly seeing the cardboard containers tilting precariously. What have I done to deserve these?
Nothing.
Whimpering and bitching about my life as a kid who couldn’t stay out of trouble doesn’t warrant all of these gifts.
I should have kept my mouth shut. Cade is doing this out of pity. It wasn’t that bad, I survived.
“Ros?” His gaze narrows and he steps closer, gently grasping my upper arms. “What is that frown for?”
“Too much,” I whisper. “I didn’t earn them.”
When he pulls me to him, my nervous panting slows.
“This isn’t transactional,” he rumbles, his jaw resting against the top of my head. “There’s no payment owed, no labor or act of service.”
I like how he holds me, it feels so…complete.
But I can’t stop the trembling that has me shivering against him.
“Tell me,” he murmurs. “Why does this make you upset? Help me understand.”
I don’t know how to put this sense of dread into words. “I’ve never had new.” The button of his shirt is still cool from him being outside where it rubs against my chin. “I wasn’t good enough for it.”
He shifts his arms to cup the back of my head and snugs me tighter. “Well, I think you’re pretty great, doesn’t that count for something?”
Heat blossoms in my belly, warring with the doubt clouding my thoughts. Can I believe him? “That goes against everything I’ve ever known.” I want to accept it.
Except I can’t.
“I’m being honest.” He leans backwards with that crooked smile. “Calling me a liar?”
“No,” I say quickly. “I’m just not used to this.”
One of his dark eyes squints. “Well, we’re gonna change that. Let’s get these opened up and packed so we can go.” When he steps away, it feels like a bucket of ice water has been poured over me.
The more he touches me, the more I want it. He seems to want it too? Or am I imagining it?
“Here, this one has a new duffel for you to keep your clothes in.” He digs one of the larger boxes to the side. Then he turns, pulling a folding knife from his pocket that he flicks open with a snap of his wrist.
It makes me flinch, even though I know he won’t do anything.
“Oh, Ros, I’m sorry.” His brows furrow. “Here.” He flips the blade around to extend the handle towards me. “You get the honors.”
Slicing through the tape holding the lid, the smell of the new nylon hits me before I can peel the flaps back.
It’s bright red and perfect.
When I tug off the plastic wrapping, the corded ends jut stiffly in awkward directions. “I didn’t expect it to be so hard.”
Cade snorts. “A common complaint.” A grin flits over his lips while he breaks down the empty box.
I can tell by his expression he’s making a joke. “I don’t get it.”
He coughs, a tint of pink rising into his cheeks. “It, um, it wasn’t appropriate.”
Sometimes I feel lost, like there’s supposed to be something more that I just don’t see. I hate that there’s something missing. Maybe I’m too stupid to know what it is?
I kind of want him to explain it. But the way he’s focusing on sorting the parcels for no reason, I don’t think I will.
It doesn’t take long before there’s only a few left and my new bag is nearly bursting at the seams.
When I tear open the next one, I drop my hands in shock as fire licks up my throat.
“Ros?” His forehead wrinkles. “What’s the matter?”
Suddenly his joke from earlier makes sense. “It’s inappropriate,” I giggle, then pull out the clear wrapper holding half a dozen pairs of dainty pink and red rose patterned panties.
His laugh is deep and warm, filling the small living room with his rich baritone. “Ah, the fraud culprit. I can see why they called, those would look horrible on me.”
It feels so strange to be showing my underwear to anyone, especially him.
Except it also is somehow natural? I feel more comfortable with him than I ever did with my brothers.
New unmentionables were always off limits for discussion with them and yet here I am holding them up in the air for Cade’s inspection.
What is wrong with me?
I cringe at my mother’s voice drifting into my happiness.
“You did good.” Cade scoops up the pile of cardboard and stuffs them into a huge garbage bag. “Merry Christmas.” He pauses to look at me, tears shining over his caramel gaze before he ducks out the door.
The truth hits heavy in the silent room.
I’m all he has. He’s all I have.
Somehow, I want to be everything he needs, too.
I just don’t. Know. How.