39. Chapter 39 - Rosalyn
After five days on the road, I feel like I’m on an entirely different planet. The heat that melts into my skin warms my bones in a way I haven’t felt for months.
Raising my face to the sky, I hold out my bare arms to absorb as much as I can.
“Summer looks good on you.” Cade gives me a soft smile as he walks Bessy out of the trailer.
“It’s January,” I giggle.
He chuckles and shakes his head, tipping back his hat. “Down here there’s hot summer and cool summer. That’s about it.”
I shiver remembering barely two weeks ago nearly freezing to death in the woods with him. A lot sure has changed since then.
“I could get used to this.” I hop up into the back and untie Petunia, patting her velvety nose. “We made it to a safe place, girl.” Leaning in, I press my cheek to hers and scratch her chin before leading her out.
Both the mares stand on shaky legs as we walk slowly across the red dirt towards the barn.
“That’s how I feel.” Cade jerks his thumbs towards their wobbly stride. “I think I have a Dodge logo imprinted on my ass.”
“Then we match again. Last thing we need is a pair of tattoos. Like a triple crown.” I catch up to him and thread my fingers into his.
After we get the animals tucked into their paddock, he shows me the tack room and where all the hay is stored.
I love how common sense the layout is. Much better than the barn at the ranch.
It isn’t where I belong anymore. I never want to see it again.
“Want to see your new home? I mean, it’s yours for as long as you want it.” His crow’s feet at the corners of his eyes deepen as he squints at me.
“What if I never want to leave?” I blink against the bright sun, wrapping my arms around his waist to prop my chin in the middle of his chest.
Every moment I’m with him I feel closer. Yet there’s always an invisible barricade between us where he’s holding back.
“You’ll get sick of me one of these days.” His thumb trails over my cheek to brush a strand of hair. “Then I suppose I’ll move out to the barn.” The whites of his teeth flash with his adorable lopsided grin.
Fuck, he’s just so—
Before I can stop myself, I rise onto my toes and drop a small kiss to the corner of his cheek. “You’re stuck with me.”
His hand at the small of my back freezes, pinning me tightly against him.
For a moment, I hold my breath, hoping he dips his head to kiss me back.
But with a heavy sigh, his grip loosens and his jaw clenches. “Let me show you the house.” His eyes climb to focus over my head. “We can go shopping tomorrow to find some furniture for your room.”
Damn him.
No. I’m the one who’s a fool. He was honest from the beginning.
Why do I keep pushing for more?
Because I want it. I want him to touch me as more than a friend. The biggest joy I experience is when he folds me into his body at night and his lips rest at the nape of my neck.
I know he presses them to my skin before he falls asleep. I always pretend I don’t feel it so he won’t stop.
And sometimes, before he’s fully awake, he grinds against me and I can feel his need pressing into my back.
I may not understand all of the details of sex but I’m also not completely stupid. I grew up on a farm. I’ve been to the breeding stables for some of the most expensive dressage horses in the Pacific Northwest.
Maybe he’s holding back because he knows he’ll never be comfortable with my body? Or the uncomfortable truth that I’m Ava’s sister.
The woman he loved and lost. I’ll never be her.
I don’t want to be.
Twisting the ruby ring on my hand, I let him lead me with the other into the cool recesses of his home.
He keeps saying it’s mine too. Except as long as he keeps me at a distance, it won’t be.
I don’t want it without him.
“If you keep those fans on—” He points to the vaulted ceiling in the living room. “—it keeps it a lot cooler in here. The pantry is around this corner.” He pushes open a smaller door in the hall. “And down that way is my room.” His voice falls hoarse. “This way to yours.”
He doesn’t let go of my fingers. I think it’s to keep me from going the opposite direction.
I have no interest in the guest suite with its fancy queen sized bed and full bathroom.
“See? It needs a little life in it. A dresser and a desk maybe?” His brows raise as he looks around. “Some pictures on the walls?”
Just when it feels like he’s going to let go and leave me in here, he tugs me against his chest. “I want you to be comfortable. You’re safe here, I’ll show you how to work the security system.” His jaw tics as his gaze drops to my mouth…then he cups the back of my head to tuck me under his chin.
“I’ll show you my favorite diner.” His words rumble against me. “Then we can go pick up some groceries. I didn’t know when I’d be back so I purged all the perishables.”
“Thank you, for all of this,” I mumble, not saying what I really want.
I don’t want to sleep here, on the far end of the house from him.
But this is what he’s telling me.
After we get the bags unloaded, he backs the trailer under the shaded awning of the barn, then pulls up to the front step where I wait.
“You’re chariot, ma’am.” He smiles as he hops out to hold the door for me.
He does spoil me. I feel like a queen.
Until we walk up to the entrance of the diner and his hand falls from mine to slip to the small of my back as we’re led through the crowded tables.
“Cade!” A tall, thin woman with wild hair and bright red lipstick rests her hand on his shoulder with a long squeeze. “I thought you went up to Montana to see family?”
“I did.” His eyes rest on me.
“That’s great! Is this your…daughter?” She smiles at me, her long nails wiggling in my direction.
I feel like I’m frozen on some sort of display.
“No,” he says flatly.
“Oh, must be a niece. I see the resemblance.” The woman leans closer, her hand still on his arm. “I’m Daphne, darling. So nice to meet you!”
Is this why Cade has held me off?
“I’m not his niece,” I say quietly, barely above a whisper.
“So adorable,” Daphne laughs loudly, then slides one of the plastic lined menus from the front of her apron.
“She’s my…this is Rosalyn.” Cade’s gaze narrows as he watches me.
What is going on?
It takes everything in me to not cry.
Just like all of the times when the whip bit into me, I bite my cheek until I taste blood without a sound.
“Rosie is a great name, kiddo. Can I get you a drink?” She bats her black, thick lashes at me, then flicks her focus back to Cade. “Want a Coors? Or a whiskey sour tonight, hun?”
Kiddo? Hun?
My nails dig into my palms as I stare blindly at the text swimming out of focus before me.
I’m not even angry.
Just humiliated.
I can see the difference like a neon sign. She’s loud, outgoing, and is probably a lot of fun to be with.
Me? I flinch at every noise and want to crawl in the closest corner to hide. I really am stupid. I took his help and thought it was more than kindness.
I trusted him with all of my brutal truth.
“Ros?” His voice blends with all the rest, swirling in a deafening typhoon.
“Rosalyn.” His tone drops into that vein of command that something in me leaps to obey, making me look up.
“This is Daphne’s husband, Gil.” Cade’s jaw is clenched and he speaks through his teeth. “Gil was part of the very first case I worked when I moved to Texas.”
Gil’s smile extends past his round cheeks and somehow the wrinkles go all the way up to his bald head.
“Any friend of Cade’s is a friend of mine.
” His hand swallows mine in a robust shake that almost dislocates my elbow.
“When you’re here with him, your tab is always covered.
” He drops an exaggerated wink before turning away.
Once we’re alone, Cade leans close enough that the brim of his cowboy hat nearly touches my forehead. “Ros? What was that?” he whispers.
“I’m dumb,” I mumble.
“No,” he snaps. “I know better.” His warm irises fade into the black pools of his pupils. “Help me to understand. We can leave if you’re uncomfortable.”
My chin threatens to tremble making me dig my nails deeper to stave it off. “I misunderstood,” I stammer, barely able to squeak out the words. “It won’t happen again.”
His nostrils flare subtly, then he leans back as Daphne appears with a tall icy glass and a short one with a cube.
“Dr. Pepper and a whiskey sour. Y’all ready to order?” She blinks those big lashes at both of us, then cocks her hip with her notepad ready.
“We need a few minutes.” Cade’s gaze burns into me, unwavering in their intensity.
She drops the pad into her oversized pocket. “Sure thing, doll. I’ll be back in two shakes of a hound dog’s tail.”
I can’t keep myself from following her with my eyes. She touches everyone’s shoulders, their arms, leans on the post next to their tables, all while dropping nicknames in a flirty banter.
And yet Cade watches only me.
Guilt makes me want to crawl under the table.
Why does this hurt so much? My chest aches with a betrayal that doesn’t exist. An entire scenario of jealousy over what?
Hun?
“Are you ready?” he asks softly. The way his head is tilted, I can’t see his eyes.
All I can do is nod.
He isn’t mine. But I’m his.
“So, y’all decide?” Daphne pops back over with her broad smile.
“I’ll just have the chicken sandwich and fries, please.” My finger sits just under the listing so I don’t forget until she plucks the sheet away.
“Same. To-go, Daph?” Cade hands his menu over and I can finally see the pain etching his features.
Shit. I really ruined dinner.
When our clunky styrofoam boxes arrive already tied in a plastic bag, Cade throws enough cash down to cover our whole meal and then some.
I don’t ask why he paid. I just follow him silently into the parking lot.
Doubt keeps me from reaching for his fingers for comfort, even though his twitch as if he’s beckoning me to him.
My fucking heart aches worse than any lashing. I’d rather it.
I can deal with the physical pain.
I’m just a friend. He said as much inside.
He may not be with Daphne, but he’s also not with me.