Chapter 26 #2
Julia shrugged. “This is what married people do when they hit road bumps. They go to counseling.”
“I don’t think we’ve hit a road bump,” Ted said. “I think it’s a sinkhole.”
Ted had apologized for his texts with EM (Eva Martin, an associate at his firm) but swore nothing had happened that wasn’t (mostly) work-related.
Julia believed him, sort of. She’d vaguely remembered seeing the word beautiful in his texts, but maybe, with all that had happened, she’d embellished that specific detail in her mind.
When she’d asked to review the texts again to see, he’d told her he’d already deleted them and retired the old BlackBerry to a drawer at work.
Then she’d wondered: Why the hell did he do that if he’d done absolutely nothing wrong?
“It’s not a sinkhole,” Julia said now, but even as she said it, she wondered if maybe Ted was right.
It wasn’t just the texts either. Last week, they’d been given the homework assignment to list five things they loved about each other and Julia had really floundered.
She admired Ted, as an attorney, as a father.
He had aged beautifully and gracefully. She had loved him deeply once, when they were in law school, when they were first married.
But now she struggled to remember the exact reasons why.
“Julia,” Ted said gently. “Why don’t we just make a contract right here, today.”
“A contract?”
“We’ll stay together until Veronica goes to college. I don’t want to screw up her teen years by splitting up now. I know we both agree she’s the most important thing in all of this. But after she moves out, we’ll separate.”
“Separate?” Julia repeated. The word reverberated in her brain, sounding like failure.
“I mean, we’re paying this therapist a small fortune to fix a marriage neither one of us want to be in still.”
Was that true? All of their problems aside, Julia had never actually considered giving up.
“Let’s just write up a contract here and now,” Ted continued. “We stay together until Veronica leaves for college four years from now. Then, after she moves out, we get an amicable divorce.” Ted opened up the notes app on his phone and started typing.
“Do you really have to write it up?” Julia asked, feeling oddly the most offended by that last part. “You wouldn’t even trust me on a verbal?”
He hesitated for a moment and then put his phone down. “So, you agree then?”
Did she? Julia didn’t know if she really wanted to get divorced.
But she did agree that this therapy wasn’t getting them anywhere and was costing a fortune.
Four years from now was a long time. Ted might change his mind.
She might figure out how to fix things between now and then.
Or maybe, once their nest was actually empty, their relationship would revert to what it was like when they were younger.
But out loud, all she said was, “If you really want to do this, I have some terms.”
“Of course,” Ted said. “I would expect nothing less.”
She had the sudden memory of him verbally sparring with her during mock trial in law school, and then she remembered, yes, this was one of the things she loved about him.
“Go on,” Ted said, folding his arms across his chest. “Tell me your terms.”
“No cheating,” she said emphatically. “And that includes texting, flirting, dating, or anything else. Nothing I would find offensive if I looked and saw it on your phone.”
Ted nodded.
“And we don’t ever tell Veronica or anyone,” she continued. “Ever. Even later if we get…” She couldn’t bring herself to say the word divorced out loud. “Even in four years from now. No one knows we planned this in advance.”
“Fine,” Ted said. “Anything else?”
Julia wished she could think of more terms, but she was breathing hard, sweating, and suddenly all logic escaped her. She shook her head.
“Well, I have one,” Ted said. “Fire Nate.”
“What?”
“Hire a professional management company to deal with your house in Coronado and don’t see him or talk to him while you’re there either.”
“He lives next door,” she argued. “Of course I’ll see him. And he manages the house for such a small fee. It would cost too much to use a professional company.” Suddenly Nora’s words rang in her ears: The lady doth protest too much methinks.
“You don’t want me to cheat,” Ted said smugly. “I’m just asking you for the same courtesy.”
“You’re being ridiculous,” she spat at him.
“Am I?” He raised his eyebrows.
Julia thought about the vault, and how if she allowed herself to open it, all the things, all the truths, might come flooding out and drown her.
But the truth was, she had never cheated on Ted in their entire fifteen years of marriage.
She didn’t believe the same was true for him.
“I’m not firing Nate,” she finally said.
“But I’m not going to cheat with him either.
Nate’s practically like my older brother. ”
Ted rolled his eyes and sighed. “Okay,” he said. “Fine. You don’t have to fire him, but my term is the same as yours. No cheating.”
“Fine,” Julia said quickly.
Ted held out his hand to shake.
Julia hesitated for only a few seconds before she shook it.
As Julia drove home, alone in her own car, her hands still shook as she gripped the steering wheel.
What had happened in there? What had she just agreed to?
Maybe she should’ve insisted on more counseling, a different therapist, instead.
How could Julia have failed so miserably that this was how her marriage would end up?
But it hadn’t actually failed yet, she reminded herself. Ted’s deal bought her a lot of time. She would just figure out how to fix everything in the next four years, that was all. And at least they had agreed to keep it together in the meanwhile for V’s sake.
Her phone rang. Nora.
Julia picked up quickly, the way she always did when her sisters called her. Nora sniffled a greeting on the other end of the line—she was crying. “Nora, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“We’re closing January second,” Nora exclaimed through sobs.
Oh, her show. She was losing her show. I’m losing my husband, Julia thought. But what she said out loud was, “Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ll get something else. And you get six more months. It’s been a great run. You should be so proud.”
“What if my career is over?” Nora sobbed.
What if my marriage is really over? Julia thought.
“What if I never get anything else?” Nora cried.
“No way!” Julia insisted, momentarily pushing her own problems to the back of her mind. “You’re much too talented. Onward and upward, Nora, that’s all this is.”
Nora hiccupped on the other end of the line. “Do you really think so?”
“I do,” Julia insisted. “Remember what Grandma Vera always used to say about stars?”
Nora didn’t say anything for a moment, and then she said, “The darkest night always gives us the brightest stars.”
Julia felt so certain that was true for Nora in her career, but not so certain it was true for her in her life.
Ted wanted a divorce. Veronica only had four more years left at home before she left for college.
What if Julia herself was inherently flawed, unlovable?
What if her impending darkness was just really… darkness?
“Are you busy this weekend?” Nora asked, interrupting her thought spiral. “I’ll take off sick and come see you.”
Seeing Nora sounded like exactly what she needed, but Julia suddenly couldn’t stomach the idea of being in her own house this weekend, pretending that everything was right and normal.
“What if I bring V into the city this weekend instead? She needs a dress for Em’s wedding and you can help us find something.
And we can see your show again too.” This felt like a win-win.
A break from Ted to process what she’d just agreed to.
Veronica adored Nora and dress shopping would be much less contentious together.
Nora sighed dramatically. “I don’t know, Jul. I’m just so damn tired of this city.”
“I’ll buy you dinner tomorrow,” Julia said, suddenly feeling desperate to get out of her house, her life.
“And I’ll get a nice hotel in the city and you can come stay with us tomorrow night, and we’ll do a whole girls’ retreat thing Sunday after your show.
My treat. Plus, you know Veronica worships you. It’ll be great for your ego.”
Nora chuckled a little on the other end of the line. “She does worship me, doesn’t she?” She let out a tiny, happier-sounding sigh. “Okay, so then tell me more about this girls’ retreat you’re proposing. Are you buying facials, manicures…?”
“And massages,” Julia added.
“Ooh!” Nora said. “I have this great woman in Astoria now. I’ll see if we can book her for Sunday evening. Her hands have done more for my body than any man’s ever have.”
Now it was Julia’s turn to laugh. A real genuine laugh that made her forget, for a moment, about her conversation with Ted in the therapist’s office, about the impending doom and darkness of her life, her marriage.
“I’m almost home. I’m gonna go book a hotel, and then I’ll text you when we’re on the train,” Julia said.
“Jul,” Nora said softly, just as Julia was about to end the call. “Thanks.”