Chapter 36
THERE WOULD BE NO printed schedule this week.
Still, as soon as they all got to Coronado they found themselves in an easy, familiar rhythm. S’mores on the back patio by the firepit. Wine poured in glasses, and secrets poured out.
Nora and Emily insisted Julia call Veronica right away, as soon as she had her new phone activated, to let Veronica know she was okay and clear the air between them.
Veronica was relieved and also asked Julia to add her back on Find My. Just in case.
Julia and Nora took Emily’s phone and deleted Cara’s number altogether. Then insisted she go call Cecile, apologize for leaving in the middle of their fight, explain exactly what had happened this week and why she had gone to LA. And promise to go into therapy for real this time when she went home.
Julia asked Nora if she was still with Nate, and Nora explained how she was never with Nate. All Julia had witnessed was a completely unreciprocated, very drunken kiss. Then Nora admitted the one man she couldn’t stop thinking about was Dev.
“If that’s how you really feel, you have to tell him!” Emily insisted.
“Didn’t you call him an asshole who should be MeToo’ed last year?” Nora asked.
Emily shrugged into her wineglass. “I don’t know, I was just trying to be supportive of you.”
“If you want my old lady advice,” Julia said. “It would be that hiding your real feelings is never the right way to live your life. Just tell him the truth, Nora.”
Nora shook her head. “It’s too late.”
“It’s never too late,” Julia insisted.
“And you’ll never know if you don’t try,” Emily said. “If you want my old lady advice.” Then she added, “Hey, so speaking of being old ladies, are any of you having hot flashes yet?”
Julia was mid-sip and she suddenly laughed so hard she spit wine across the patio. It took her a full minute to catch her breath, and then she said, “Em, I’ve been doing a lot of research on the best supplements to help with perimenopause symptoms. I’ll email you everything I’ve gathered so far.”
“Oh my God! You both are old, like for real.” Nora giggled.
“I’ll email it to you too,” Julia said. “It’s good knowledge to have, Nora.”
Nora rolled her eyes. But then she thought about how maybe sometimes it was actually nice to be the youngest. To have two older sisters who experienced everything first, and who shared about their lives, and this house with her each May. No matter what.
They walked along the beach early every morning, traipsing through the low-lying cloud cover in sweats, ate breakfast at the Del and Clayton’s.
They took Mallory shell seeking when she got home from school, and Nora French braided her hair one evening out back by the firepit, promising Mal that the next year, she would teach her how to do it herself.
On their last night, Julia and Nora shared a bottle of red wine on the deck at the Bluewater Boathouse restaurant on Glorietta Bay, but Emily kept her promise to Cecile and ordered a Shirley Temple.
And then, on Sunday morning, Emily and Nora shared an Uber to the airport, since their flights were at similar times.
Julia had her car, and she supposed that meant she could leave whenever she wanted.
She would close up the house, she would throw all the linens in the washer for the next renters.
And then she would drive back across the country, having promised her sisters she would absolutely not lose her phone in the process and would text nightly to let them know where she was and that she was safe.
After Nora and Emily left, Julia went outside and found Nate sitting on his porch.
Emily’s words about something being off with him had been floating around in her head all week.
At first, she’d thought maybe it was some feelings he might have for Nora.
But Nora had said that absolutely wasn’t true.
Then she’d thought maybe it was just something personal that was none of her business.
But now she had to admit, he looked pretty forlorn sitting on his porch rocker, slowly rocking back and forth, staring off toward the water.
Julia went and sat down in the rocker next to him. “You gonna tell me what’s going on?” she said. Then she added, “I’ll put it in the vault.”
“I hate the goddamn vault,” Nate said quietly. “Let’s blow the thing to smithereens.”
Julia laughed. “That seems overly violent. But okay.” She was about to be a middle-aged divorcée, and now anything they’d put in the vault over the years felt like it was verging on ridiculous. “Are you still mad at me?” Julia asked softly. “For disappearing? For not telling you about my divorce?”
She had already apologized to him, explained to him what had been happening in her life and that she hadn’t meant to worry him.
He had already apologized for telling her sisters about what happened to her all those years ago.
Desperate times, she’d said, feeling weirdly grateful he’d broken his promise, that her sisters had shown up exactly when she’d needed them most. And they’d left it at that.
“I’m not mad,” he said, and he turned and flashed her a half-smile. “But hey, you should get ready to leave, if you want to make it through the mountains before dark.”
“Nate,” Julia insisted. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on with you.”
He stared at her for a moment, but he had known her long enough to know when she was serious. “Heidi wants full custody,” he said. “I went to LA to try and talk her out of it last weekend. Unsuccessfully.”
The words felt so unexpected that it took her a few moments to process what he was saying. Heidi, Mallory’s mom who’d run out on her twelve years earlier to follow some guy from the base, suddenly wanted full custody? “Oh, hell no,” Julia finally said.
Nate stood up. “The mountains get treacherous at night. You should go. I don’t want to have to worry about you on the road.”
She knew Nate was right. The switchbacks would be more dangerous in the dark, but still, she didn’t move out of the rocker.
What exactly was she driving toward? What was waiting for her in Maryland?
Not Veronica, who would spend the summer semester at school since she’d started in the spring.
Certainly not Ted. Not even a job, at least not until after July Fourth.
She remembered something Nate had said to her twenty years ago, just after Vera had died. They have lawyers in San Diego too.
“What if I don’t go today?” Julia said. “What if I stay in Coronado for a little while?”
Nate shook his head. “The house is completely rented out. Come on,” he said, walking across his yard. “I’ll help you load the car.”
Julia finally got up and ran after him. She caught his arm and he stopped walking, right on the line between both their houses. “So what if I rent something else?” she said, breathless from chasing after him.
“Why would you do that?” Nate asked.
“Well, I could help you with custody, for one.”
“You don’t have to.” Nate waved her offer away. “One of the English teachers at school is married to a lawyer, and she said he might be able to give me some advice, pro bono.”
“Nate,” Julia said firmly. “Absolutely not. I’m going to be your pro bono attorney, and we are not going to budge an inch. Mallory is staying right here, in your custody. I’m honestly really very good at this kind of thing. This is what I do for a living.”
“Jules.” He said her name quietly, sweetly, but he shook his head.
“I want to help you,” she insisted. “You’re like my…”
“Your brother?” he finished her sentence.
“No,” she said. “I was deciding between first love, family, or best friend. But I’ve never once thought of you as my brother.”
He grinned, almost in spite of himself. “I guess you could stay with us for a few days while I help you find a short-term rental to move into. God, Mal would be thrilled if you stayed in Coronado for the summer. And I would really appreciate your help. She doesn’t even know about this yet… and I can’t lose her.”
Julia felt a little thrill ripple through her, feeling needed, feeling wanted, feeling like she might actually be able to stay for a while in the one place that had always felt to her the most like home.
“I think if I learned anything these last few months, it’s that I need to figure out what I really want now. What’s going to make me happy going forward,” Julia said. Though it pained her slightly to admit it, Ted’s parting words to her hadn’t exactly been wrong.
“And Coronado is a part of that?” Nate asked.
Julia thought about the advice she’d given Nora earlier in the week. Hiding your real feelings is never the right way to live your life. “Actually, I think you’re a part of that,” she said. “Maybe what makes this my favorite place is that my favorite person lives here?”
Nate smiled again, a real, wide smile now. “Me?”
She nodded and returned his smile. “Like you said, let’s blow the vault to smithereens?”
“Now who’s being overly violent?”
“Ever since I was twenty, Nate, and you told me on that beach right over there that you couldn’t love me…
I’ve been trying so hard not to love you,” Julia said.
“But what if I do love you? What if I’ve always loved you?
And what if now you just let me? Would that be so terrible?
” As she spoke, her chest suddenly felt lighter, like she had finally, finally let out something that had been hiding in her heart for twenty-five years.
And now it was there, before them, in the open.
Not locked away in a vault, not hidden at all.
Nate reached for her hands, clasping them in between his own. “I’ve regretted saying that to you since the moment you left that summer.”
Julia gasped. “How come you never told me that, in all these years?”
“I almost did, a whole bunch of times. But then you had college and law school. You got married and you had Veronica. And then I had Mal to take care of. And I figured at least I got to see you one week a year and that, I don’t know, maybe that would have to be enough.”
Julia nodded. “Well, I don’t think that’s gonna be enough for me anymore.”
Nate squeezed her hands gently in between his own, and then he smiled that gorgeous lopsided smile again. “Jules, it was never enough for me.”