Chapter 5
Mam was on her way to bed when Cassie stumbled in the door, trying to look more sober than she felt.
‘Three children?’ Her face was a picture. She hurriedly deleted a text on her phone. ‘Well, I’m glad you told me or I could’ve walked right into it with Patricia. I was just about to text her to tell her you’d met someone .?.?. But you like him?’
‘Well, I did.’
Cassie whipped off her hat and clumsily explained the bruise and what had happened. She took out her phone and gazed ruefully at the cracked screen. ‘I think a scooter fell on it.’
‘Love, I always say a broken phone is just God’s way of telling you to go and visit someone. Look, he should’ve been honest with you. He did the wrong thing but probably for the right reason, nobody’s perfect, and sure, even at least you hadn’t slept with him on the first date .?.?. although maybe it doesn’t matter so much at your age.’
Which was a bit rich, given that she was heading for the stairs with two mugs of tea.
‘Mam, I don’t believe you just said that.’
She felt the urge to hug her mother but instead they ended up doing a little mime around the two brimming mugs (why did Mam always overfill mugs?). That would have to suffice.
‘Love you,’ she called as the back of her mam’s dressing gown disappeared round the turn of the staircase.
She sent a panicked text to Josie, even though she knew she’d be asleep:
Total fucking full-on catastrophe. Nightmare. HELP!
She immediately felt guilty for burdening her poor pregnant friend. None of it was making sense and she was feeling pretty drunk so there was nothing for it but turn out the light and sink into oblivion.
*?*?*
Grey light was leaking in around the curtains when Cassie’s phone buzzed. It was Finn. Oh crap. Her heart lurched. Was she awake enough for this?
Need to talk. U there?
Was she? Or was she going to hold out and play unavailable? No, that would be totally stupid shite. If she’d learned anything from letting countless things slide with Gav, it was to face things head-on, no matter what.
Yes.
Let him do the talking, if she could manage to keep her trap shut. Her jaunty ringtone chimed (changing that bloody thing was next on the list).
‘Hey.’ His voice had a deep resonance, but the tone was soft. Cassie felt her heart flip. Stay strong, she ordered herself.
‘Hey, you.’ Her voice sounded warmer than she’d intended. She could hear his breath.
‘Sooooo-o, you got home.’
‘I’m alive, if hungover.’
‘Look, Cassie, I’m really sorry. I should’ve been upfront with you about having kids, I was a total dick.’
Don’t back down, be honest, she told herself.
‘You said it. Look, maybe underneath you actually wanted to keep part of your life private.’
She knew she was being provocative. Let’s see how he handled it.
He sighed.
‘I don’t know what I was thinking. I just haven’t done this in a long time. Very long.’
Could she believe him? Every fibre of her wanted to, but her head had to stay in control. Cassie knew only too well that once her heart got in the driving seat, they were all liable to go over a cliff.
‘I don’t know what to think, Finn. What would have happened if I hadn’t opened that door? When were you going to tell me? I mean, how long have you been separated?’
She heard him inhale after a long pause. ‘No, that’s a fair question. Three weeks.’
‘Three weeks? Is that all?’
On the other hand, her head chimed in crisply, think of him like the January sales. You have to get in on day one or all the good stuff’s gone .?.?.
‘OK .?.?. let me just explain: I’ve been separated from my ex-wife but living under the same roof for five years. From my children, I will never be separated.’
OK, that wasn’t so bad.
‘And so that’s why you stayed in the family home?’
‘For one last Christmas, yeah.’
In spite of all the stern warnings, her heart was already melting into a puddle on the floor. Stoppit now, she warned herself.
‘OK. I’m sorry I went off the deep end and chucked those toys at you, I’m not normally that deranged.’
‘Me neither. I don’t know what I was thinking, I had my head up my arse. I suppose I was afraid if you knew, you wouldn’t want anything to do with me.’
‘Why would you think that?’
‘Because .?.?. you’re so independent and bohemian.’
‘Really?’
Was that how she came across? Frankly, that was exactly what she was trying not to do.
‘I think you just sound like you’re trying to be a good dad.’
She could hear the relief as he exhaled.
‘That’s right. So, do you think we could .?.?. maybe try again sometime?’
Cassie was trying furiously not to let the smile show in her voice. Cop on, she scolded herself. There were red flags here and they weren’t the sign of a carnival.
‘I don’t know, let me think about it .?.?.’
Just then she could hear a whistle and a booming announcement in the background.
‘Oh, I’m sorry, Cici’s just finishing her swimming lesson so I’ve got to go. I’ll text you later.’
Cassie clicked off the phone, climbed back under the duvet and hugged Bonnie, her old stuffed rabbit. Maybe, just maybe, things were looking up. Even if something told her it might not be quite the fairy tale she was hoping for.
She’d hung around until nearly twelve before Zooming Josie, who was looking less than radiant.
‘God, you’re so lucky it’s even on the cards. I can’t bonk at the moment. All that jolting makes me want to puke.’
Cassie felt a rush of relief to see her friend’s face and tried to explain the whole roller-coaster of events. Josie, bless her, was reassuring.
‘OK, first of all you did nothing wrong, apart from hurling the controller at his head, which wasn’t great, but understandable. Of course, he should’ve let you know his situation so you could make up your mind what you wanted to do.’
‘Exactly, and before I drank most of a bottle of white wine. And, oh, Josie, we were having so much fun and he’s so gorgeous and I haven’t felt like that, honestly .?.?. ever. Then I find out he has three kids and he’s a really committed, hands-on dad. I know I said it’s all fine and dandy, and one part of me really believes that but another part wonders if there’s even room for me? I’ll be in fecking no man’s land, and that’s what I’m afraid of. I feel shit, I’ve a banging hangover coming on and I don’t know what to do. What should I do, Josie? Should I get out of it? But I’m not even totally sure I’m in it.’
Josie had been listening patiently to this rant.
‘What would you have done if you’d known the situation in advance? Would you have agreed to go out with him?’
That was a no-brainer.
‘Are you kidding me, one hundred per cent yes. But I’d have been more cautious .?.?. I wouldn’t have dived in like that.’
‘Who knows, maybe it was for the best.’
‘When I first met him, his dog was wearing a Superman costume and it never even occurred to me that could mean he had kids. I didn’t want to believe it was anything but him being a fun guy.’
‘Cass, it’s not necessarily a bad thing .?.?. it’s just .?.?. different to what you thought.’
‘But Jos, he’s a grown-up, with an ex-wife and three kids.’
‘Don’t be so horrified, Cassie. We’re the weirdo Peter Pans living in a world where time doesn’t exist. Except, take one step outside it and you’ll find that it bloody well does.’
‘But Jos, at least your baby will be a mini you .?.?. and Pal. And it’ll love you. It won’t be able to help itself.’
‘I know, terrifying thought, isn’t it?’
‘But Finn already has a family, so how can there ever be enough love left for me? I’ll always be the also-ran.’
‘Babe, things don’t work like that. Love isn’t like a pie with only so many slices.’
‘I know, you’re right,’ said Cassie, though inside she didn’t feel nearly as sure.
*?*?*
Cassie spent an hour and a half at a local gym where you could pay per session, in an attempt to clear her head and sweat off the small bucket of white wine she’d drunk the night before and hopefully regain some equilibrium. The place looked full of people – mostly singles like herself, she observed – sweating away, trying to get control of their lives, or was that just her? She returned home to find Eric sitting alone at the table, playing solo Scrabble. She liked Eric, even if he did seem at this stage to be a fixture. He had a flowery mug of tea and a leftover mince pie, and seemed to embody the sort of inner peace and stability that felt a million miles away to her. He looked up and smiled.
‘Your mum’s at her book club, though why they meet at five on a Sunday evening, I don’t know.’
Cassie wasn’t entirely sure what opinion to have about his presence, so she did what her mental health app always suggested and checked in with her gut. It turned out her gut had no strong feelings either way so, relieved of the need to feel indignant, she sat down beside him. He paused and looked at her closely.
‘Nice time last night?’
‘Eric, I need your help.’
‘Your mum told me a bit. No details, mind.’
‘You’re a man. I mean .?.?. What’s Finn thinking?’
Eric picked up three more tiles. ‘“Extrapolate”. Oh good, an X and a double word score.’
How could anyone that laid-back relate to her turmoil? He contemplated the letter holder.
‘I imagine he’s feeling a number of things.’
‘I mean, would you see a load of warning signs around him? Should I run?’ she asked.
Eric smiled. ‘Warning signs for whom?’
Ouch, he had a point.
‘You mentioned that you were with a chap in London before you came back, and he had no children. How did that go?’
‘Well, that’s the thing, Gav should’ve had plenty of time but he always seemed to have something better to do than prioritise us or plan for the future – with me, anyway.’
He shrugged. ‘So, really it’s down to the person, not just the circumstances, isn’t it?’
He picked up the pencil he was using to record his scores and drew a sketch of a little boat surrounded by waves.
‘See, if the boat is empty, you would think it’d be safer, wouldn’t you? It’s not carrying any weight, after all. But paradoxically .?.?.’ (that was such an Eric word, thirteen letters including an X and a Y) ‘it’s the opposite. If you put some weight in it, it’ll sit lower and steadier in the waves. Responsibility, or baggage, whatever you want to call it, is like that – it makes a person’s life more stable, not less.’
This made a great deal of sense but suddenly Cassie felt judged. She had carefully avoided responsibility up to now, after all. And how had that gone?
‘I’m not running away from responsibility if that’s what you mean .?.?. I’m facing up to things. That’s why I’m back here in Ireland.’
Eric nodded but that moment her phone rang and she looked down to see the name Finn flashing on the screen. ‘I’d better go.’ She smiled ruefully but he waved good-naturedly as she rushed out of the room. She ran upstairs, shut the door behind her and threw herself on the bed.
‘Hey, how did your day go?’ he said.
She could hear the warmth in his voice.
‘Middling, mostly spent working through my hangover.’
‘Lucky you, I didn’t get a minute, Con had his MMA, but Cici actually managed a few strokes without holding onto her float.’
‘Aw, good for her.’
‘Yeah, she was ridiculously excited. We had to drop into McDonald’s on the way home to get a McFlurry.’
‘That’s sweet,’ she said, and a part of her meant it, truly; she was genuinely delighted that he was sharing with her the details of what was most important in his life. But the mean little voice inside her broke in: what about me? God, what am I like, her better self retorted. I am not allowing myself to get into competition with a five-year-old. Now was the moment to behave better than she felt.
‘I’m impressed, especially since you took a bit of a hammering last night.’
She heard him chuckle. There was a brief pause. ‘So, will I see you again?’ His voice was soft and persuasive.
She hesitated. Go on, say it, she urged herself, don’t chicken out. ‘Finn, there’s something I need to ask you. I didn’t like to bring it up last night but .?.?. three weeks is an incredibly short time. What am I supposed to think? This could be just a glitch for you. Like an experiment in living outside the family. It’s not like that for me. I’m on my own. If you decide to bugger off home—’
‘Cassie, stop. I’ve been on my own for a long time. I know it hasn’t looked like that but, believe me, it’s felt like it.’
She reminded herself of her New Year’s resolutions:
1. No attached men (Finn?)
2. No rebounders (Finn?)
3. No unstable narcissists (Gav)
It was a risk. She took a deep breath.
‘Are you still there?’ he said.
‘So, about this meet-up, when were you thinking?’
She heard him smile. ‘Next Friday?’
‘OK, sounds good, but let me see, I’ll have to confirm with you on Thursday,’ she replied, feeling just a little bit in control. She could get used to this.