Chapter 13
Finn helped himself to a warm, flaky croissant and a mug of fresh coffee as they sat bundled up together on the sofa, wrapped in a fleecy rug against the bleak greyness, as the rain pounded against the window and the gas fire flickered.
‘I’m so sorry this happened. Why would Marisha take the kids away for the weekend without warning?’
Finn shrugged gloomily. ‘It’s all based on goodwill, just like I said.’
‘Finn, if my being in your life is going to ruin things, maybe we shouldn’t—’
‘Is that what you want?’
She detected a note of uncertainty in his voice.
‘No, it’s .?.?.’ She was on the verge of blurting out the last thing I want , but realised that was going to sound needy. ‘It really isn’t.’
‘Me neither, but I wouldn’t want you to feel stuck with somebody who’s pinned down by sandbags.’
Cassie laughed incredulously. ‘Not the word I’d have used. All I see is someone who’s trying hard to be a good dad.’
He smiled. ‘I’m trying to keep everyone happy.’
Cassie found herself on the verge of replying, ‘Well, don’t worry about me,’ but switched tack just in time.
‘So, what makes you happy, hmm?’
She was fishing for compliments and she knew it, but what the hell.
‘Being here with you. Not having to watch myself all the time.’
‘Why would you have to do that?’
‘Have you ever had the feeling that you’re a nuisance, just by being, just by breathing?’
‘Is that how you used to feel? Sounds horrible. So, what happened?’
‘We’d been skirting around each other for months, we both knew it was over, there wasn’t any option.’
‘So, she got the house and the kids, and you got the dog. Tough negotiator.’
He gave a rueful laugh. ‘Wouldn’t you be happier finding yourself some rich guy who could whisk you off to Paris to stay in a five-star hotel, sip vintage champagne in the piano bar, have a fabulous dinner served by ten waiters .?.?.’
‘I’d probably spend the whole time desperately trying not to flip a snail down my cleavage. Still, it is a bit of a notch up from a sad movie and popcorn, followed by a big fight in the local pub with Maleficent, saved only by the Three Amigos at the next table.’
‘Seriously, I was panicking. I was nearly going to make a run for the door,’ Finn confessed.
‘She’d only have chased you down and decked you with her knock-off Michael Kors handbag.’
By this stage they were both wiping tears of laughter from their eyes, more from relief than anything else. Sometimes it was the worst experiences that made the best glue, Cassie thought.
*?*?*
That afternoon, after it had stopped raining, they took Thor for a walk to the mucky dog park. The sun hung low over the north-facing slope fringed by tangled bushes and bare branches. The whole place would only really dry out when the season turned to spring and the sun arched higher in the sky.
The first person they walked into was the intrepid Phyllis, in her quilted jacket and bobble hat. ‘Poly,’ she hollered. ‘Poly, come and see who’s here.’ As though her pooch was going to stick out his paw and start a conversation.
It struck Cassie that in the absence of a husband, Napoleon had slotted into the role, which was quite sweet if a bit scary. She gave Cassie a sidelong glance.
‘Sooo, I’m going to stick my neck out here and ask if you two are an item now?’
Of course, she realised with a shock: he must’ve been here previously with Thor and his kids, and more than likely his ex. The doggie community know him as a family man and here she was, an interloper.
Just then Thor bounded off and was busy love-bombing some other unlucky person at the other end of the field. Finn raced after him just in time to prevent a lawsuit. Phyllis stepped closer to her. ‘I’ve known Finn and his wife for years, coming here,’ she confided. ‘This mightn’t be my place to say but I think this is the best thing for him.’
‘Thank you. I really appreciate—’
‘Just don’t be surprised if not everyone feels the same way. Be careful. She’s very well-known.’
Cassie was bursting to ask her what she meant, when she saw Finn and a chastened Thor trotting back in their direction. Phyllis’s face betrayed nothing of their exchange, but Cassie couldn’t help thinking: what had she blundered into?
*?*?*
That evening she returned to her apartment and called out to see if anyone was home but was met only with her voice echoing back from the hard surfaces – funny, she’d never noticed that before. For a moment her heart sank at the bleakness of the unfamiliar surroundings. She didn’t go near the cavernous sitting room but wandered into the kitchen and searched through the contents of the big fridge. At least she’d done a grocery shop, so the shelves looked slightly less bachelorette than previously. She assembled the ingredients for a cheese-and-tomato omelette and started to cook. She also made herself a large, comforting mug of tea, and carried everything into her room, where she waited for Josie to answer the Zoom call. She was bursting to hear her friend’s take on all that had happened.
‘Where are you?’ Josie looked confused at the bare walls.
Cassie tried to explain briefly about the apartment, Ramona and her pole dancing, not to mention the dates with Finn. She expected Josie to be rocking with hilarity and disbelief at the news but found her friend oddly low-key.
‘What’s wrong?’
She noticed Josie’s chin wobbling. Cassie kicked herself for her insensitivity.
‘I’m sorry, I’m so full of my own shit. Please, talk to me, what’s going on?’
‘You’re moving away. You’re turning into somebody else and so am I.’
It was as though somebody had pulled up a roller blind and suddenly Cassie had a clear view of what was happening in her friend’s life.
‘But I thought you were so happy, I thought everything was perfect for you and Pal. Whenever anybody asks me about my friends, I use you as a shining example of how to get your life right.’
‘But that’s total crap. All I am is a woman who’s having a last gasp at pregnancy and yes, I am happy, but I’m also terrified it’s going to destroy whatever career I’ve built, and I’ll never be able to get it back. I’ll be nothing. I’ll vanish. I’ll just be one of those invisible women.’
‘That’s ridiculous. You could never be that.’
‘And you think I’m the person who always has the answers, and I’m not and I don’t.’
Josie had made the decision to move into arts administration about five years into her acting career. Now the manager of a small theatre in North London, she’d always claimed it was the best decision she’d ever made.
‘But Jos, you’ll just go on maternity leave and then come back, what’s wrong with that?’
‘That’s not how things work, you know that. Once you’re out of sight, somebody younger and hipper moves in and there’s no space to go back to. I’ve already had to accept disappointment once before, when I left acting, and that was OK, I made my peace with that, but I don’t think I can face it again.’
She pulled a tissue from her sleeve and cried noisily. Cassie was at a loss.
‘And now I hear you’ve found this swanky apartment with an exciting cool person and a new boyfriend. Friendships don’t survive long distance. I’ll just become an old friend, someone who’s not important anymore. Who you have to feel guilty about not keeping in touch with.’
Cassie couldn’t believe her ears, but Josie had always been there for her with unrelenting good sense, so she was one hundred per cent entitled to a meltdown. Hormonally driven or not.
‘What a load of utter crap!’
‘It’s not!’
‘It is. You’re just blurting out all your worst, most hideous fears, and as your best mate, I’m the perfect person to do it with.’
‘But it’s all true,’ she wailed.
‘I’ll tell you what’s true. You are building a person. And the reason you don’t feel like yourself anymore is because you’re not yourself. You’re two people.’
Josie sniffed and nodded mutely.
Cassie ploughed on. ‘But that’s going to change. And change and change again. And I’ll be the one afraid of being left out because you’ll have all your chummy-mummies and I’ll just be your barren mate. But I’ll still be here.’
She felt herself growing teary. Josie had dried her eyes, but this caused her to dissolve into sobs again.
‘I could never forget about you,’ Cassie said decidedly.
‘Me neither, so are we good?’
Cassie gave a snort-laugh and nodded.
‘So now, tell me about this guy with the fifty kids and the psycho ex. He sounds perfect for you.’
They both burst out laughing.
‘You know what I think?’ Josie went on. ‘I think, screw him. I’m sure he’s nice but right now what you need is a job.’
‘That’s just because right now you’re obsessed with jobs.’
‘You know you’ve been here before, Cassie, making a guy the centre of your life instead of yourself.’
An image of Gav flashed into her mind, causing her stomach to lurch. She winced at the thought of how she’d compromised her life to be with him for fifteen years. How had she let it go on for so long? Perhaps she didn’t know how to live life without him? Or maybe she thought he was as good as she could do? She believed other people’s estimation of him rather than trusting her own experience, until finally she was left high and dry. All of those reasons, probably, and now here she was again, trying to carve out a little bit of another man’s life. Josie was right, she needed a job.
‘I’ll phone a career consultant tomorrow, I promise.’
‘And I’m not leaving our Zooms more than a week again. I can’t trust you not to go off the rails.’
Cassie spluttered her tea, laughing at the irony.
‘Bloody cheek.’
*?*?*
Wandering back towards the open-plan kitchen, her heart leaped at the sight of a dark shape hunched at the table. It took a few seconds to register Ramona sitting on a chair, gripping her knees. She was dressed in a stained T-shirt and towelling robe. Her gelled white-blonde hair was plastered flat and only the streaked remnants of her makeup from the night before were still visible. She looked virtually unrecognisable. It just showed perhaps Ramona’s fabulous public face didn’t tell the whole story.