Chapter 18
Pulling out of the car park, she experienced conflicting feelings of elation and exhaustion. Too wired to face an empty apartment, but not up to making adult conversation. There was only one thing for it.
‘Mam? Are you home?’
‘It’s Monday, of course I’m home. I’m taking delivery of the new mattress. How long will you be? Eric is out, so pick up a cake and I’ll put the kettle on.’
Cassie sighed with relief at the gift of not having to explain.
Just then her phone rang. ‘Well, how did you get on?’
For a moment she was confused by the upbeat voice.
‘Phil?’
‘The very one. I always like to phone my clients after the first day to check how it went.’
‘Great, I think. Well, it was, but Roger Newcombe barged in this morning because it was a bit chaotic at first. I mean, I knew exactly what we were doing but—’
‘Don’t worry! That was all part of the learning curve, I’m sure. He was delighted and he wants you back tomorrow.’
It appeared that short of actually setting the school on fire, she was going to be kept on for the moment.
She baulked. A single day was one thing, but the idea of facing 4B as their main teacher every day was an exhausting prospect. Still, the money was good and it certainly felt nice to be in demand. There was something about Phil that made everything feel safe and manageable.
‘Fantastic, Phil, thanks for the call. I’ll be there tomorrow.’
‘Do you know something? I think you have a flair for this .?.?. It’s just a feeling, but I believe in you. I’ll say no more.’
And he was gone, leaving a whiff of positivity in the air.
*?*?*
‘Eric is mad about him,’ said Mam, ‘and don’t be fooled by that little office. He does very well, he just doesn’t bluster and brag like some people without an arse in their trousers.’
She was busy was filling their mugs with steaming tea.
‘Mam, are you trying to set us up?’
‘All I’m saying is, sometimes you can end up looking for romance in all the wrong places. I don’t want to drag up the past .?.?.’
‘Oh, why change the habit of a lifetime.’
‘But that fellow in England, the Scots one .?.?.’
‘Gavin was his name, I was with him for fifteen years.’ She paused. ‘You might as well know, I just heard from Josie that he’s getting married to a young one.’
‘Oh no, love. I’m sorry, that’s desperate.’
‘Yeah, I’d a pants of a weekend but I think I’ve made my peace with it.’
Mam reached out and squeezed her hand. ‘You’re better off, love, I mean that. We only met him twice. Don’t take this the wrong way, and I’m saying this as your mother and I care about you, but did it never occur to you in all the time you were with him that he’d leave you high and dry? Because it was there in big flashing letters six-foot high to the rest of us.’
‘Well, you could have said something at the time rather than hitting me with it now.’
But even as she said it, Cassie knew only too well how she’d have responded.
‘I loved him and I just thought it would work out.’
‘Things don’t just “work out”, not for most people anyway, and it’s not “uncool” or whatever you call it to want to know what’s going on.’
Cassie felt her heart sink but there was something about the starkness of Mam’s words that felt like a relief. It was all true. She had to stop hiding from herself.
‘I was afraid to push too hard in case I heard something I didn’t like.’
‘For the love of God, you always lived in cuckoo land. You’re not a stupid girl, in fact I always said to your daddy that you’d brains to burn. But there was always .?.?. something missing with you. Reality maybe. Maybe that’s what made you choose that crazy career. Sure, isn’t that what created the whole rift with Maxine in the first place?’
Cassie began to cut thick wedges of the Swiss roll she’d picked up on the way. ‘I’m whacked, can we not just have our tea?’
‘Please yourself, all I’m saying is I’m delighted you’ve started a nice sensible job. And you’ve Phil to thank for that.’
‘Mam!’
‘All right, then, let’s talk about your new chap. The one with the three kids. How’s that going?’
What sounded like an expression of friendly interest, Cassie could identify as an emotional bear-trap. Any offer of information could be used to chastise her. Still, the desire to talk won out. ‘He’s .?.?. I can’t describe it. You know when there’s just something attractive about someone, but you don’t know what it is. Chemistry, I suppose. Plus, I babysat his two younger kids last week and I really enjoyed it.’
Mam’s mouth looked as flat as a hyphen.
‘You’re only thirty-seven, Cass, it’s still not too late. Don’t forget, chemistry has a danger of blowing up in your face.’
She’d a knack of expressing Cassie’s secret fears. Still, awareness was everything, right? Once she had her eyes open, surely to God she could avoid falling into the same hole over and over again.
‘I only took care of them once, in an emergency.’
Mam’s mouth morphed from a hyphen to a dash.
‘And what did their mother think of that, I wonder?’
‘Well, she didn’t know, obviously.’
‘I’d keep it that way.’
Why was Mam being so negative about Finn all of a sudden? ‘I could do with a bit more support, Mam. He is unattached, after all. They’re separated. It’s not like I’m doing anything wrong.’
‘That’s not the point, love. You’ve always been the one to make sure everyone else was sorted. It’s time to look after yourself. Not that you’ll take a blind bit of notice, but I have to say it.’
‘I know, Mam.’ For a moment she felt tearful. In a world where everybody seemed to have someone, Mam was the one person for whom she would always be special.
‘And another thing, you’re going to have to contact Maxine sooner or later. Those bridesmaids’ dresses won’t pick themselves.’
*?*?*
Finn was busy for most of that week, so she didn’t see him but they exchanged texts at night.
Missing you. Kids loved you, keep asking when you’ll be back.
Mam’s words kept sounding in the back of her mind, but she pushed them away.
Loved meeting them too. When you around? Love to see you.
Have kids all week. Their mum’s away. Can’t wait to see you.
That was OK. The kids had to come first, that was a given, but she would’ve loved to curl up with a bottle of wine and tell him all about her new life. Time enough, she told herself. Mam was obsessed with old-fashioned ideas of what to expect from a man but life just wasn’t that simple anymore.
In the meantime, she was undergoing a crash course in managing 4B, without a single day of teacher training, and her strategy of ‘fake it till you make it’ was starting to wear thin. Nevertheless, Rowley, Sophie and the rest of the class seemed to have accepted her, and once she mastered the confidence to give everyone clear instructions before they left their desks to do tasks, she just about managed to retain a decent level of order.
She’d realised after the first day that it wasn’t necessary to dress exclusively in costumes from old bank commercials, and had relaxed a bit into jeans and jumpers. Every evening, she went home with her books and planned the lessons for the following day.
She’d become quite pally with Maggie, the form teacher for 4A, so she was pumping her for some background info on Miss Upton over lunch.
‘So, what’s she like? When the kids talk about her, they almost seem a little scared.’
‘Marie .?.?. Well, she’s a nice person, but let’s say I probably wouldn’t be having this conversation with her, I’d be a little more formal. But you’ll find out, she’ll be back on Monday.’
Cassie’s heart sank. ‘That’ll probably mean I won’t be needed anymore.’
‘Are you kidding me? Comb-over won’t let you go that easily. He’s been frantically trying to get staff, he’s only short of jumping out into traffic to offer people jobs. I’d bet my lunch on you going nowhere.’
Cassie felt a glow of relief; it wasn’t exactly job security but at least it suggested she mightn’t be out on her arse at the end of the week.
*?*?*
Late April it might be, but the weather was still chilly. Cassie was curled up on Finn’s sofa in front of the fire, finally enjoying their long-awaited Saturday night.
‘It’s weird, all my life I was afraid I couldn’t do anything useful, but that’s not true. I just say to them, “This is the magic space where nothing can go wrong,” and all this stuff comes out that they’ve never dared share before in case they’d be mocked. Sorry, I’m ranting.’
Finn refilled their glasses and stroked her cheek with the back of his hand.
‘Not at all, I’m proud of you. You’ve gone from dog walker—’
‘ Impostor dog walker to impostor teacher.’
‘To managing a class full-time on your own for a week. That’s really something.’
‘Do you really think so? I’ve been waiting all week to tell you. I just hope when Miss Upton gets back, she won’t try to squish all of this. What I’m hearing about her is a bit iffy, even though they’re all being super diplomatic, now I come to think of it.’
Did she imagine it or did Finn momentarily flinch?
‘Finn, are you OK?’
He seemed to be processing her words, but he was inclined to do this, wasn’t he?
‘I’m sure whatever hits you, you’ll be able to handle it,’ he said at last and the moment passed.
‘God, I hope so, Finn. How long does it take to feel real? I’m thirty-seven and I still feel like a fake.’
‘Don’t ask me, I’ve always had impostor syndrome. But maybe that’s because my parents left us to it, they weren’t big on encouragement.’
‘You mean they weren’t around?’
‘My dad had businesses – property development, conservatories. He’d his finger in that many pies, and my mother did the books. They were what you’d call a power couple, I suppose. I mean, we were fine, we’d plenty of minders and babysitters.’
‘And what was that like?’
‘I used to spend time in my room making models. We lacked for nothing .?.?.’
‘Except what you really needed. Like, being noticed.’
It made sense that despite Finn’s urbane exterior, sometimes she found herself searching for him as though he were stuck at the bottom of a deep well and she were calling down to him.
‘Well, I notice you.’
‘You don’t know how much that means.’
Cassie was surprised at the intensity in his voice.
‘We never felt ignored. The opposite. Mam kept coming up with business ideas, like her party catering company Party Poppers – you can imagine what that got changed to. I remember myself and Maxine shelling prawns for hours till our hands went red and chapped. Still, I remember it being fun. Crazy, but fun.’
Finn did his sudden laugh then became serious. ‘Promise me you won’t let that school turn you into something you’re not.’
‘Why would I?’
‘Don’t give up on your dreams.’
‘What dreams? I dreamed of being a TV star and going to red-carpet events in spangly frocks and having my photo in the tabloids and going on those silly ITV quiz shows for celebrities, but it hasn’t happened. I never got past the stage of being “pencilled in”, which is a nice way of saying “fuck off”. I couldn’t keep that up, it was just too painful. At some point I had to find something to make myself useful. That’s the one thing I’ve loved about the past week. Maybe being a star wasn’t something fate had in store, but this is OK, it really is, so please don’t make me second-guess it.’
‘I wouldn’t do that for the world. I see you as this beautiful, kooky free spirit. There are too many people who’ve given up on their dreams.’
Cassie couldn’t help wondering who he was really talking about.
‘You make me sound like Jennifer Lawrence falling up the steps for her Oscar. Can we stop talking about work now? It’s just us and Thor, and I want to relax.’
‘Let’s leave Thor out of it.’ He pulled her to him, so she could feel the soft flannel of his shirt and instinctively slid her hand inside to caress the smooth, warm skin underneath. She felt him responding as the outside world melted away, leaving only each other’s touch.