Chapter 21
Cassie pulled into the underground car park of her apartment block and texted Finn:
Need to talk. Crazy shit has happened. Call me ASAP?
Ten seconds later the phone rang on video call.
‘Hey, what’s up?’
Finn was at work, she could see what looked like an office behind him; he appeared mildly concerned but nowhere in the same league as she was feeling.
‘Why didn’t you tell me your ex worked in my school, for God’s sake?’
He shifted awkwardly. ‘OK, yes. First of all, I wanted to tell you but .?.?. But it’s a big school, so there was every chance you wouldn’t have come up against her at all, and I thought, why create something, if there’s no need.’
‘Finn—’
‘Wait. And then when I realised you were actually working with her, I-I didn’t want to freak you out. I thought you’d be better getting on with it yourself. You’re so good with people, I wanted you to have your own relationship with her.’
‘Well, turns out I do. A shit one.’
In a way he was right, what use would it have been knowing in advance? The situation was as awkward as hell, and nothing could’ve changed that, but still .?.?. come on. That was a pretty massive omission.
‘Don’t bullshit me, Finn, you were trying to avoid an awkward conversation. Why would you not tell me something that important? Were you deliberately trying to keep your life compartmentalised? Because I’ll tell you now, I can’t live like that. If that’s how you’re going to play it, we’re over. Done.’
‘Stop. Cassie, please. Look, I’m sorry, this is all my fault, you’re right, I should have told you. How can I fix it?’
Finn was talking about the situation like it was some sort of faulty machine. She was about to shout back, ‘You can’t,’ but thought better of it. OK, he might have been trying to avoid confrontation but, knowing Marisha as she did now, she could hardly blame him.
‘Another thing: she referred to you as “my husband”. Finn, you call her your ex, is there anything else I need to know?’
He seemed very positive on this one. ‘No, honestly, that’s just how she talks.’
Finn was on the move at this stage and seemed to have found a dingy store cupboard to wedge himself into.
‘Are you sure?’ After all, what else might he have glossed over?
‘She’s .?.?. very possessive about things. Like her pupils, the children, me.’
‘Even though—’
‘We’re over. Yes.’
This whole situation was turning out to be way more complicated than she’d realised.
He went on, ‘It’s not that she wants me back, believe me, just that she’s not prepared to .?.?.’
‘Let someone else have you?’
‘Something like that.’
‘Fuck. You really should’ve let me know about this. This is big, Finn. How many more things are you hiding?’
‘Nothing, I swear. You know everything. All the .?.?. mess.’ He looked uneasily towards the door. This wasn’t a conversation to have where someone could barge in at any moment, looking for photocopier ink.
‘Should I tell her straight out about us, Finn?’
‘I don’t know. If you think that’s the best thing?’
‘How do I fucking know what the best thing is? Both options are awful. Like having to choose between being caught in an earthquake or hit by a tornado.’
‘We’re not obliged to tell her. Strictly speaking, what I do is none of her business.’
‘Strictly speaking, I know, but I still can’t sit in her class for the rest of the term living a lie. I know that means that I probably won’t be sitting in her class at all, so I’ll be back to dog walking, but there you have it. How come no matter what choices I try to make, I always find myself out on my arse?’
Cassie was aware she was feeling sorry for herself.
‘It’s not fair to leave all this to you. I’ll deal with it. I’ll tell her the whole thing this evening.’ This felt like the worst possible option, portraying her as ‘the other woman’ – at least if she dished the dirt on herself, she might have some hope of control.
‘No, please, just trust me to sort this out.’
Finn looked more than a little relieved. ‘Can I see you tonight? I really miss you.’
‘I’ll see. I forgot to tell you, Ramona was beaten up, I’ll have to go home and check on her first. I’ll come over later.’
‘God, I’m sorry. I can cook something. And get wine.’
‘Going to your place feels .?.?. weird now, as though we’re being watched.’
It wasn’t reasonable but it was true. Marisha’s energy was stalking the place even if she wasn’t there herself.
‘Cassie, please, she’s never set foot in this place, she leaves the kids at the door.’
No, but I bet she wonders about it, thought Cassie. I bet she has a picture of it in her fantasy.
*?*?*
When Cassie got home, Ramona was sitting up on the sofa, wrapped in a fluffy rug and looking considerably better.
‘About time, I thought you were never coming back. I had a shower and got dressed, but turns out I’m going to have to adjust my colour scheme to tone in with the bruises. They’re turning a lovely greeny-yellow.’
‘You’re unbelievable, Ramona, you don’t have to act tough with me.’ She sat on the end of the sofa and gave her friend’s feet a hug. And filled her in on the Marisha drama, which she loved.
‘Oh God, don’t make me laugh, my ribs ache.’ Behind her bravado, Cassie sensed that Ramona was feeling a lot more vulnerable than she was letting anyone see.
‘It’s a fucking mess. What am I going to do, Ramona?’
‘Honey, look at the state of me. Do I really seem like a good place to get life advice?’
‘You’re pretty good about other people.’
‘Why thank you, I’ll take that as a compliment. Be brave. If you lose the job, so what, get another. If you like this guy, screw her, it’s worth it.’
‘I suppose. Even though that is pretty much the diametric opposite of what my mother would say.’
‘And she’s happily engaged to be married for the second time, whereas I’m lying here thanking God I still have all my teeth, so what does that tell you?’
‘That she’s right. For her.’
‘Exactly, and you’ve got to do what’s right for you.’
Cassie looked around. There was no sign anyone else had visited. No cards, no gifts, no sign of family. Ramona, it seemed, picked up on her thoughts.
‘So, I called the old bird, filled her in on the drama. Turns out she was less than sympathetic, surprise, surprise, but she sent me some cash so, go Granma.’
‘Be honest with me, Ramona, how are you doing? Are you in pain?’
‘I’m fine. Don’t sit here looking sorry for me. Go get laid by what’s-his-name, chief engineer of the Starship Enterprise or whatever.’
‘OK, I’ll see you tomorrow.’
‘Oh and pick me up a pastrami roll from Donnybrook Fair on your way back. God, I love those things. You’ve got something good going. Don’t let anyone trash it.’
And that was the closest Ramona came to being real.
*?*?*
She’d bought a nice bottle of Pinot Noir. Sod that it was Monday night. In fact, the more she thought about what had happened since that morning, the more it felt like an entire week had passed, and on that basis, it was already at least Thursday. For the first time she let her shoulders droop, and the full stress of the day hit her.
Finn hadn’t taken any chances and had a bottle of white chilling when she arrived.
They sat on the plush sofa, gazing out the window with her head on his shoulder, and didn’t say much for a moment. But the air was full of unspoken feelings, so better to come straight out with it, thought Cassie. ‘Is it all too hard? Is there just too much in the way for us?’
‘Don’t say that. All of today I’ve been thinking that you won’t want to stay with me, that I’m dragging too much baggage with me and .?.?. that’s part of why I didn’t tell you about Marisha before. It was cowardly and I’m not proud of it.’
‘It’s OK. In a weird way I’m glad I know her. Now it all makes sense. I don’t think I’d have believed it otherwise. She’s .?.?. tough.’
‘Thank you. That’s the first time I’ve been able to talk to anyone about it.’
It became blindingly clear that the reason she found Finn so hard to fathom was that he was exactly that. For everybody. And that included himself.
‘Can you imagine what it’d have been like if we’d met back at the beginning, when we were in our twenties? What would you have thought of me?’
He laughed ruefully. ‘I didn’t know too many aspiring actresses back then. You wanted a very exciting life, full of spontaneity and excitement, I suppose. I wouldn’t have stood a chance.’
Cassie considered this. ‘I’d have thought, this guy wants a super-normal life. He’d never consider a flaky proposition like me.’
‘So .?.?. the moral is, be careful what you wish for.’
‘Well, I chose someone just as flaky as myself and look how that turned out.’
Enough time had passed for Cassie to accept that much of what happened with Gav had been of her own doing. She’d been afraid to commit in case she was wrong, afraid to settle in case she regretted it, afraid to grow up in case she grew old. Well, turns out time isn’t selective, it’s quite happy to pass, whether you’re acknowledging it or not.
‘Hey, let’s go on safari. I’d love to sit in a jeep in the heat and watch lions and elephants .?.?.’
Finn brightened. ‘Let’s save up all our money and go into space for twenty minutes.’
Cassie laughed.
‘That’s the most bonkers, tech-bro idea I’ve ever heard. But you would have that view of Earth forever in your mind’s eye.’
‘I’ll look into it.’ Finn reached out and stroked her hair. ‘Thank you.’
‘What for?’
‘For not mocking me.’
‘Of course not, why would I?’
‘I grew up in a house of very loud, very busy people. There was no time for dreamers. Nobody did anything different. So, once I wasn’t causing any trouble, they just let me get on with it.’
‘That’s sad.’
‘They were so busy with the business, they didn’t have time to pay me that much attention, so I grew up not really paying myself much attention either. I just felt kind of .?.?. invisible.’
‘According to C.S. Lewis, “Children are not a distraction from the more important work. They are the more important work,”’ said Cassie.
‘My kids loved you.’
‘Really? I was only with them for a few hours.’
‘I heard all about it. Especially from Conor, and he rarely says anything.’
Cassie flinched. ‘I’d say Marisha loved that. OK, I’m going to stick my neck out and say she seems to be a very committed mother, but hard on them.’
Finn nodded. ‘Everyone else seems to think she’s perfect. I fell in love with her because I thought she was the first person who really saw me. She has that way about her. It was only later I realised she never did anything else. I felt under surveillance, judged 24/7. I worry now for them.’
‘Sssh .?.?.’ She put her finger to his lips. He leaned in and kissed her, as a full moon hung like a pale opal above the Dublin skyline.