Chapter 25
Cassie lay on her bed, with very little going through her mind, for a change. She knew she should get up and go for a walk or do something worthy, like going to the gym, but somehow her limbs just didn’t want to move. A tree branch swayed in the breeze outside her window and, perched on it, a small crowd of starlings were gathering for an evening gossip before huddling up together for the night. It all seemed so simple and cosy. Just then her phone buzzed – Finn’s number flashed up on a WhatsApp video call and instinctively she braced herself. God, Marisha must have broken the news. He looked stressed. Her heart went out to him.
‘Hey, are you OK?’ she said.
‘Pretty shocked .?.?. No, stunned, if I’m being honest. Marisha told me her news, both parts, and said she’d told you already.’
‘Look, before you say anything, I’m so sorry, it was really awkward. It felt like something I shouldn’t have known and I couldn’t say anything because it really wasn’t my news to tell.’
‘No, I get it, I’m sorry you were put in that position. Anyway, Cici and Con are in bed, and Samantha’s stormed off to stay with her friend. I didn’t tell them about the baby or anything, I just wish you could come over.’
‘I know, I wish I could too.’
‘Can I ask you something? Be honest, d’you think I’m a bad father? Have I let them down?’
Cassie took a deep breath. ‘Of course not. Life’s complicated but this is on a whole other level. I was floored by Marisha’s news.’
‘I can’t stop thinking about it .?.?. I’m so angry .?.?. with her and myself and that pompous arse. I mean, is he attractive? I always thought he reminded me of Mr Burns from The Simpsons . I don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine how the kids are going to react.’
Cassie could picture him pacing up and down. She cast around in her mind for something that might help. ‘It’s awful and I can’t imagine what you must be feeling .?.?. But .?.?.’
‘Go on .?.?.’
‘There is one thing you could do for now. You could reach out to Samantha. She’s going to slip between the cracks if you don’t.’
‘Samantha? How?’
It obviously hadn’t occurred to him.
‘I don’t know, buy a bloody sofa bed for yourself and let her have your room. Let her do it up the way she wants. You can’t leave her sharing with an eleven-year-old boy, it’s not right.’
‘Fuck, why didn’t I think of that?’
‘I don’t know, but you’re thinking of it now. It’s not too late. Text her right now and tell her you’ve had an idea and you’re happy to pay for anything she wants. After that it’s up to her.’
‘You’re right, Cass, you’re the best. I really owe you.’
‘Never mind that, just text her now and get back to me. Bye.’
She ended the call. The starlings had settled onto the big branch, out of sight behind the young green leaves, and were twittering companionably. Why was it that everybody’s life from a distance looked so normal and together, but once you got closer, you found it was just as fucked-up as your own? The starlings had it right – or maybe, if you looked closer, there was a top starling in the best spot on the branch and a loser starling stuck down the wobbly end?
A few minutes later the phone went again. Finn ploughed straight in, ‘Samantha replied to me about having her own room. I was afraid she’d gone into town to get pissed or something, but she’s just at a friend’s house, watching a movie.’
The relief in his voice was palpable.
‘So, what did she say?’
‘I’ll read it out to you .?.?. Could be OK. Can you Revolut me €50. What d’you think?’
‘She knows you’re feeling guilty about moving out and she’s going to shake you down for all she can get. Just be glad it wasn’t a hundred. Still, she’s accepted your offer.’
‘At least it’s one thing I can do for the poor kid.’
‘Well done. You put her first. That’s exactly what she needs right now.’
Finn was shaking his head and re-reading the text. ‘Little wagon .?.?.’
*?*?*
The next morning Cassie opened her eyes to a sun-drenched glorious Saturday. She lay there for a few minutes, allowing herself to enjoy a peaceful moment when she had actually nothing to worry about. She was going to start the day with a lovely coffee sipped on the balcony, as people in bright summer clothes hurried up towards the big exhibition in the RDS and the place began to buzz for the rugby match later that day.
Feeling the holiday mood, she pulled on leggings, an oversized T-shirt, flip-flops and sunglasses. Nice. She’d just helped herself to a big bowl of berries and yoghurt from the fridge, and settled down in the sun, when her mobile buzzed.
‘Cassie, is that you?’ Her heart sank.
‘Hi, Mam.’
‘Are you busy?’
Cassie sighed. ‘Not really.’
‘Listen to me, I woke up this morning in a panic. If I don’t get my dress now, I might as well throw my hat at it.’
Oh God, this was totally fair, she’d really let Mam down around the wedding.
‘Eric has gone for a hike with a priest friend of his, so I was wondering if you could drop out this morning and we could go looking for a dress. I thought we could’ve all done it together with Maxine but it’s not turning out like that.’
She sounded crestfallen, and Cassie’s heart went out to her.
‘Of course, Mam, just give me a chance for a quick shower. I’ll meet you in Marian Gale in an hour.’
‘Good girl. There’s no point in looking online, sure we’d be quicker taking the plane to China ourselves.’
Bloody hell, she thought, the only time she ever felt there was nothing to worry about was when she’d forgotten about something. Thank God for the luxurious rain shower. She pulled on a dark-green flowy midi dress teamed with last year’s leather sandals and the sunglasses, which elevated every outfit. A wipe of lip gloss and she was out the door.
Mam was already prowling the bridal racks when she arrived.
‘I thought you’d never get here.’
‘What, I’m bang on time—’
‘Hi, how can I help?’ A very beautiful girl, who would have looked stunning in any of the dresses, beamed at them. ‘Sooo, we have bride and mother of the bride?’ she cooed.
Cassie felt Mam bristle. ‘No, actually, we have bride and bridesmaid.’
There was just the faintest hesitation as the girl processed this, then she lit up.
‘Fantastic, this is so beautiful, daughter is helping mama. What had you in mind?’
Somewhat mollified, Mam stepped forward. ‘Well, I was thinking of something light .?.?. it’s for July.’
‘Next July?’
‘God no, we could all be dead by then. This July.’
The beautiful girl blinked. Cassie could see her bracing herself for the next demand.
‘Perfect. And what colour?’
‘White.’
Cassie gave just the faintest hint of a shrug. Mam did Mam and nobody was going to persuade her otherwise. They gazed in trepidation at the racks of backless, frontless, strapless, see-through bridal gowns. Surely in all of that there’d have to be something suitable that’d only need a bit of a hem?
In the end the assistant proved to be worth her weight in gold. She found Mam a long white satin sheath dress teamed with a stunning embroidered organza wrap. Matching shoes and a floral headpiece were chosen next. Mam stood gazing at herself in the mirror, entranced by the image. Cassie could feel tears welling up.
‘You look beautiful, Mam.’
‘I do, don’t I?’
‘Eric will be stunned when he sees you.’ She felt a small ache in her heart as she said the words.
‘Ah thanks, love. I’ll have a little word with your daddy later on, let him know what he’s missing.’ She gave Cassie a gentle elbow in the ribs, before regaining her composure. ‘Will you, for the love of God, try phoning Maxine again? I know you tried once. You’re dodging it, I know you.’ Mam was back on top form.
They hugged outside the shop and Cassie agreed to bring the dress home with her to hide it from Eric. For feck’s sake, she thought, it was like hiding the Santa presents.
*?*?*
By eight thirty that evening, she couldn’t make any more excuses – she was going to have to make that call. Oh well, get it over with .?.?. She pressed call and waited five rings, six .?.?. She’d already lowered the phone from her ear when she heard, ‘Hello?’
Cassie’s heart sank.
Maxine’s voice sounded familiar but different, older. Of course it was, what was she thinking? Maxine was a forty-three-year-old woman. For some irrational reason she’d expected her to remain exactly the same as when they’d last spoken.
‘Maxie? It’s—’
‘I know.’
She could envisage Maxine in her Toronto house, with the lakeside view, surrounded by her children and her pets, with Ownie, her husband, a fine man and a good provider. Cassie could imagine she still felt justified in her opinion, still right.
‘I thought I should give you a call .?.?.’ she began.
Silence.
‘On account of Mam’s wedding.’ She’d started out with a surge of energy, which was rapidly ebbing away. ‘Look, Mam asked me to call you because .?.?. we need to sort things out.’
There, she’d said it. She could do no more. Another long silence ensued.
‘Right. I suppose this is all about the bridesmaids’ dresses for this absurd wedding?’
Trust Maxine to deflect everything.
‘That’s part of it, yes.’
‘We’re far too old to be bridesmaids. It should be the girls, obviously.’
Cassie was struggling hard to keep her temper. ‘Well, Mam suggested it and it’s her day, so .?.?.’
‘What do you want, Cassie?’
She felt stung by the abrupt tone and for a second was afraid she was going to cry. ‘We do have to decide on these dresses somehow.’
‘That’s no problem, I can choose something online and send it on to Mam for her approval. Nobody’s going to be looking at us anyway.’
Cassie felt utterly dismissed by her tone, but something in her just had to fight back.
‘Speak for yourself.’
There was an icy pause.
‘Is that everything? I’ve to pick Eoin up from hockey so I can’t hang around. Tell Mam I’ll send some options on to her, she can show them to you, OK? Bye.’
And that was it. Annoyance and frustration surged through Cassie.
‘Bitch!’ How could a well-intentioned, open-hearted attempt to reach out to Maxine be met with such a cold, dismissive response. Bugger Mam for putting her in this position.
She paced distractedly up and down the floor, and then picked up her bag and swept out of the apartment.
On the way downstairs she phoned Finn, who would probably still be relaxing in front of the TV with his feet on Thor, waiting to hear from her.
‘It’s me. Can you meet me in half an hour on Sandymount Strand?’
‘Sure, babe. I’ll be there.’
*?*?*
Cassie was already pacing up and down the path when he pulled into the car park, the shallow sea a smooth sheet of silver.
‘Hey, this was a great idea. By the way, you were right, I’ve arranged to pick Samantha up tomorrow for a trip to Ikea,’ he called cheerfully, until he saw her face. ‘What’s up?’
‘Can we just walk? I’m too upset to talk.’
They set out across the beach, where little curled worm shapes dotted the ridged sand as far as the eye could see. Cassie stomped along with her eyes fixed on her feet.
‘So, are you going to tell me what happened?’
‘I tried, I really tried.’
Finn had the sense not to press her on whatever the hell was going on. Eventually, after they’d walked about a half a mile across the beach, she explained about the conversation with Maxine.
‘Mam has insisted I make the arrangements, but that means she gets a chance to express to me what a useless piece of shit she thinks I am. And it really upsets me. And, OK, we were never really close, but we used to get on fine.’ She could hear her voice tightening.
‘That’s lousy,’ he said, slipping his arm around her shoulders.
She nuzzled into his shoulder. ‘Thank you.’
‘What happened between you? You don’t have to tell me if .?.?.’
She stopped dead in her tracks. ‘I might as well. I haven’t told anyone this, not even Gav, I was too freaked out and, honestly, too ashamed.’
‘I’m not forcing you.’
‘No, It’s OK .?.?. It was the first summer after my graduation from drama school, and everything was going great: I’d got my first professional job, I was feeling like the person I always wanted to be. Bea had got me an audition for a new sitcom scheduled for the following week. It was all amazing. It was the day before I went back to London and Maxine had reluctantly agreed to allow me to take Miri, her two-year-old daughter, to do the supermarket shopping while she was at the hairdresser’s. This’ll be fine, I thought, just pop her in the trolley and push her around like other women I’d seen .?.?. Why are you laughing?’
‘Nothing is simple with a two-year-old.’
‘Oh, shut up. Anyhow, she was grabbing everything, driving me crazy, so I unstrapped her from the seat and popped her inside the trolley to distract her. Then I remember stopping at the bakery counter and my phone rang, and it was Bea changing my audition time .?.?. She said they must be really keen, and I’d have to be back early for it. I just got totally distracted. I know there’s no excuse. And the next moment, I looked round and the trolley was empty. I’ll never forget it. I just ran and started calling and calling her name. And it was around the time of some of those awful child abductions. Then Maxine turned up and started shouting at me in front of everyone, calling me selfish and irresponsible and unfit to mind a child. The next thing .?.?. I’ll never forget it, this woman just appeared, carrying Miri. I remember she was holding a handful of crayons she’d picked up. I burst into tears. But Maxine just snatched her up without a word and walked off. She never apologised and I was afraid to say anything to her. I went back to London the next day and we never really made up. Sounds ridiculous but that’s it.
‘I didn’t go for that sitcom audition, or any of the other big jobs Bea had me lined up for. I suppose I didn’t I feel I deserved them. I just sort of sank and, looking back, I’m sure it affected my relationship with Gav. How could it not? I was still raging with myself that I lost concentration, lost myself in that stupid, vain world. I still hate myself, it’s that simple. And so, I deserve to be hated.’
‘Maybe that’s what she’s picking up,’ Finn remarked levelly. They walked in silence for a while, before he went on. ‘You do know that what you’re describing is something I’ve feared myself: you turn your back for a second and they disappear. Sure, it’s every parent’s nightmare.’
‘Thank you, Finn. That makes me feel a bit less of a pariah.’
‘Come here.’ He stopped and hugged her close to him, rubbing her back as though she were a distressed child. ‘Let it go. Miri’s fine. It’s all fine. You just need to forgive yourself.’
The tears were running down her cheeks, and she angrily wiped them away.
‘That’s what I tried to tell Maxine, but she still despises me.’
‘That’s probably an exaggeration. Someone’s got to start the forgiving, so maybe start with yourself.’
‘I’m sorry, I’ve just got snot on your shoulder.’
‘It’s OK, I’m pretty used to it.’
‘You’re a freaking genius, d’you know that? My friend Norah’s right. If you want a problem solved, go ask an engineer.’
He smiled shyly. ‘Come on, let’s go home. I’ve been thinking about you all week.’
‘Me too. It’s been a long week.’
‘Too long,’ he whispered, taking her face between his hands and kissing her slowly.
At some point night had fallen and the sky ranged from pale orange right up to inky darkness. The tide had turned, shifting the vast flat beach into sea once more. They picked their way back across the ridged sand, hand in hand, as Cassie felt her panic melt into the wide-open sky.
*?*?*
After arriving back at her apartment the following day, she slumped down on the bed and listened to her phone messages. There was only one and it was from Maxine. She pressed redial.
‘Hi.’ Maxine’s tone sounded impatient.
‘Look, can we please have a conversation?’
‘About these dresses? Why? It’s not that complicated, is it?’ Her tone was abrupt.
Typical Maxine. Don’t let her get to you, she reminded herself.
‘OK,’ Cassie said, ‘the truth is I’m afraid you’ll choose mauve and I’ll look like I’m diseased or having a fucking heart attack, and you’ll look gorgeous because you’re dark-haired.’
There was a pause.
‘I’m not dark anymore, Cass. I’m grey.’
‘Really? I’m sorry, I didn’t know.’
‘Hey, it’s a few greys, not cancer.’ Maxine’s semi-Canadian accent was trying to sound brisk but just sounded so sad, such a pointless waste of precious time.
‘I didn’t mean it like that. Maxine, I don’t want this shit between us .?.?.’ A sob rose up from deep inside her. There was silence from the other end.
‘I don’t want it either.’
‘I’m sorry for what happened. I really am—’
‘Cass .?.?.’
‘Is she OK? Does she remember?’
‘Not at all. She’s perfect. She’s getting ready for prom. I think she’d really love to meet you.’
‘That’d be amazing. I’ve missed you,’ she blurted out.
The relief she felt was like dropping a heavy rucksack from her back.
‘Missed you too.’
There followed the fastest catch-up in history, as fifteen years of news criss-crossed the Atlantic in ten minutes. Finally, they drew breath.
‘So, what colour should we choose?’
‘White, of course, that’d really piss off Mam.’
They burst out laughing and in that moment the years melted away.
‘I’ll leave that to you, Maxie.’
‘OK, but I gotta say, I still look hot in mauve.’