Chapter 37
The wedding morning dawned, and in keeping with Eric’s meteorological predictions, the garden was reasonably dry. The guests were to begin arriving at two thirty for the ceremony at three.
Mam’s bedroom had been transformed into a boudoir, complete with illuminated mirrors and rails of dresses. They each had a sateen robe and their hair was done first, while they waited for makeup. Maxine had brought the traditional bottle of champagne and all the girls, apart from Cassie, were sipping excitedly.
Ramona had changed from her tracksuit into a black snakeskin-pattern minidress, embossed with gold, teamed with gold cowboy boots which showed off her mile-long legs. She eyed the lavender-blue frocks with her head cocked to one side.
‘Don’t say anything,’ muttered Maxine.
‘Naaa, they’re not so bad. I mean they’re cute, they’re just a little hokey—’
‘And now is not the time to say “but they suit you”,’ hissed Cassie.
Maxine sniggered and topped up her glass.
‘Iris, you look like a goddess,’ Ramona announced to Mam’s delight, as everyone else crowded round and toasted her.
Just then, Eric popped his head round the door with his hand theatrically covering his eyes.
‘I didn’t see anything, ladies, I swear. Cassie, there’s someone here to see you.’
Careful not to catch anyone’s eye, she followed Eric downstairs to find, standing on the doorstep, Finn, looking sheepish but just as she remembered him .?.?. except his hair looked slightly longer.
Her heart practically leaped out of her chest.
‘Hey,’ he said.
‘Hey,’ she said.
Which was, admittedly, pretty minimal but all she could come up with in the moment. He seemed a little unnerved at the family drama he’d blundered into, what with the caterers tramping in and out with crates of food, while flower arrangements pirouetted past as the two of them dodged out of the way.
‘I’m so sorry to interrupt your mother’s wedding. God, is this the worst possible timing or what?’
‘No, it’s fine, I mean you were invited but .?.?.’
She gazed at him in silence. There was so much to say, she simply couldn’t fathom where to start.
‘You look great, by the way. Your hair’s .?.?. fancy.’
‘Yeah. Thanks. Finn, why are you here?’
‘I-I .?.?. I needed to see you.’
‘OK .?.?. Well, now you have.’
The pain in her heart was so bad that she had to rub between her breasts with the heel of her hand.
‘Sorry, wedding nerves. And it’s not even my stupid wedding.’
She was conscious he was eyeing her body.
‘Shouldn’t you be .?.?. sipping champagne or something?’
She looked pointedly at him from under her fringe.
‘Sorry, that was a dick thing to say.’ He seemed to be in one of his acutely awkward states.
But before she could reply, Miri appeared behind her. ‘Sorry, Auntie Cassie, Grandma says if you don’t come back up and finish getting ready, she’s going to develop a migraine and we’ll have to cancel the wedding.’
‘You have to go, Finn. You can’t be here today. I’m going to have to finish getting ready.’
‘Look, before you go, I know I’m a total arse turning up, but I’ve been thinking .?.?. a lot, in fact. I’ve been doing nothing else.’
Finn reached out his hand to touch her face, his expression unreadable.
‘ Cassie! ’ Mam’s voice reverberated from upstairs, jolting them out of their trance. They both stepped back.
‘I have to go.’
‘Yeah, me too.’ He nodded.
She was aware of him backing away, his gaze full of unspoken feelings, before she turned away and closed the door.
‘So .?.?. is that the chap?’ muttered Eric, who had been hovering just out of sight.
‘He was .?.?. Oh, Eric, I don’t know, what am I going to do?’
He reached out and squeezed her arm then vanished into the other room. Upstairs, Ramona met her on the landing.
‘Hello, girlfriend, was that who I think it was? Yummy. Will he be joining us later?’
Cassie suddenly found herself overtaken by that awful feeling when you realise you’re going to cry, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop the tears. A sob came out, unbidden. ‘No. He won’t.’
Ramona, a good head taller than her in her gold platform boots, flung her arms around Cassie.
‘Honey, it’ll work out. Look up, quick, look up! Whatever you do, don’t smudge the mascara,’ she soothed, whipping a tissue out from her cleavage and expertly soaking up the tears. ‘Let him go for now, it’ll all work out.’
At that precise moment, that felt painfully unlikely. Still, this was Mam’s big day and there was nothing for it but to push down her feelings and slap on a smile.
*?*?*
The wedding went off better than anyone could have hoped. Nobody sank in the mud, Maxine and Cassie didn’t look too comical, and Mam looked radiant in her classic satin sheath dress and floral headdress. She’d decided to walk herself up the aisle, on the grounds that at this stage in her life she was her own woman.
Philip was the best man; standing beside Eric, he looked perfectly at home in a silver morning coat, and Cassie realised there was something unmistakably old-fashioned about Phil.
For a moment, standing to one side with her sister, as Mam and Eric made their vows, Cassie felt Da’s absence like a hole in her heart. He was the one person whose down-to-earth sense could make any crisis manageable.
A brisk westerly wind picked up during the ceremony, causing the wedding arch to list perilously to one side, while Auntie Patricia was overheard commenting, ‘Isn’t it wonderful how much you can fit into these gardens in their original size?’
During the drinks reception, Ramona sidled past Philip, who was getting drinks for everyone at the bar. Observing this, Maxine hissed to Cassie, ‘Who’s the best man who keeps staring at you like you’re his winning lottery ticket?’
‘Shut up, he’s called Philip and he’s a lovely guy.’
‘I don’t know,’ Ramona drawled, as she joined them. ‘I think he’s a hottie. Like if Fred Astaire had a love child with Harry Potter. I would do him, definitely.’
Cassie wasn’t sure whether this was terrific news for Philip or if it meant he was in mortal danger.
Just then a gong rang somewhere, calling them to dinner. She’d been put sitting beside Philip at the top table, which was customary for a wedding party, and Mam kept looking over and winking at her.
Thankfully, the meal included poached salmon and asparagus on creamed potato, which Cassie found exactly the kind of plain, wholesome food that soothed her all-day morning sickness. She was starving but forced herself to at least preserve a bit of decorum and not make a show of herself by shovelling the food in too hungrily. This was the first time she’d been with Phil in a social situation and she was feeling unexpectedly self-conscious at such close quarters.
‘I love your dress, by the way,’ he said in a tone that made it clear he meant it.
‘So, Phil, how come you know Eric?’
He laughed. ‘If I told you, you wouldn’t believe it.’
She smiled warmly, feeling slightly less ill after some food.
‘Try me.’
‘We were aid workers in Rwanda in 1994, during the genocide. I mean, we were just young fellas, or at least I was.’
‘My God, sounds terrifying. For a moment I thought you were going to say you were priests.’
‘No, but I thought about it. Still do .?.?. sometimes.’
She was getting the distinct impression that now was not one of those times.
He paused for a moment and seemed to be searching for words. Oh dear, was he planning to declare himself? Just then there was a wave from Eric.
‘Oh, I’ve just got the nod,’ Phil muttered and stood up, tapping a glass with his fork and causing a wave of shushing.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here today to talk about my good friend Eric, and Iris, who I now count as a good friend also. I’m afraid I don’t know enough embarrassing stories about Eric’s youth to entertain you, and we didn’t have a stag do, so I don’t even have that to draw on. But I will say one thing about Eric: he taught me to be the man I am and for that I owe him everything. Eric has the quality of common decency in a world where it is anything but common. At a very difficult time in my life, Eric was there for me, although he’d never remind me of it. He doesn’t push himself forward, but anyone who knows him recognises that he can’t be pushed back either. He’s a man who knows his mind and stands his ground.’
Mam was glowing with pride at Eric, who was fiddling with the tablecloth sheepishly.
‘In a world where we’ve so many superheroes in the movies, but so few in real life, I’m proud to say that I have one true hero, and it’s my friend Eric Morton.’
Everyone was delighted with the speech, particularly as it was so short, and clapped warmly, beaming at each other.
‘Well done.’ Cassie smiled at Philip. ‘That was just perfect.’
As he sat back down, she was surprised to see tears in his eyes. ‘Thank you,’ he said, grasping her hand and raising it to his lips. ‘You’ve no idea what that means to me.’
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Mam elbowing Eric frantically. The whole event was taking on a surreal air. Cassie felt for him, but there was a knot in her stomach. Phil was polishing his glasses and seemed to be trying to compose himself. He placed them back on and turned the full gaze of his large, pale blue eyes on her.
‘Cassie .?.?. I don’t want to miss this opportunity to say just how much I’ve enjoyed our .?.?. connection over these past few months.’
‘Thank you, Phil, I’ve really enjoyed it too. There’s no way I’d have made it this far without you.’
‘You’re an exceptional woman, you know .?.?. It’s a long time since I’ve met anyone like you.’
Cassie found herself secretly glancing around, hoping somebody would cut in, but everyone seemed to be keeping their distance.
‘Without wishing to bring the mood down, you may have heard that my wife—’
‘I did, Phil, Mam told me. I hope you don’t mind, and I am so, so sorry. I can’t imagine what that must have been like.’
He nodded gravely. ‘Who knows through what rocky terrain our paths may take us .?.?.’
‘Well, that’s certainly true. Is that a quote or did you just .?.?. make that up?’
‘Essentially .?.?. yes.’ They laughed. ‘See, that’s what I love about you, Cassie, your .?.?. lightness.’
‘Thank you.’ Oh gosh, he’d just said the L-word.
Thankfully, by now the tables were cleared away and the disco was beginning. The neighbours crowded in – even some, Cassie suspected, who hadn’t exactly been invited – and the party took off. Her ambition had been to somehow make it through the wedding without looking too much like a washed-out pair of weekday knickers, but things were starting to veer off-track. She’d completely forgotten about the dancing. Oh Lord, she couldn’t be seen to be a complete killjoy, but jigging around was pretty much guaranteed to bring on a wave of nausea. She would’ve given anything to creep home and close the door on her nice, cool, quiet bedroom. There was a glow from Eric and Mam – not euphoria, exactly, but gentle happiness, and some of it definitely pointed in their direction.
‘Excuse me, Cassie, would you like to dance?’ Philip broke in on her reverie.
It was a slow song: ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’ by Elvis. They couldn’t have picked a smoochier song if they’d tried. Mam was winking madly across the floor and Eric was unsubtly giving his speciality thumbs up.
‘Of course.’ She smiled. She could feel Phil’s arms tentatively reaching around her, and the scent of some sort of pleasant woody aftershave rising from under his collar.
‘This is a great favourite of mine. By the way, you’re looking very beautiful this evening,’ he murmured.
‘Thank you.’
‘I’ve been waiting for a chance to .?.?. talk to you.’
Her heart sank. Oh God, she just didn’t have the energy for this.
‘I wonder if maybe we could go out some time .?.?. doesn’t have to be formal .?.?. just spend some time together, away from work.’
She could feel him struggling to sound casual. ‘Aaaah .?.?.’
There was no faking it. What was wrong with her? Stupid, stupid girl who was only ever able to choose the path that would lead to unhappiness. Phil was a wonderful man, in every way. And attractive. Ramona could see that, so why couldn’t she?
But all she could feel was absence, the desperate yearning for Finn’s arms, his voice, the fact that it was his child she was carrying inside her body. She couldn’t lie to herself. Her head might try but her body insisted on telling the truth.
And if that meant going it alone, then so be it. Glancing around at the joyful, heaving dance floor, she realised she’d never felt so utterly alone. Philip could feel her reticence, but no amount of guilt or wishing things otherwise could change that. She tried to concentrate on swaying to the music but somehow it felt tense and clunky. As the song ended, she stepped back, trying to avoid the look of disappointment on his face.
‘Phil, I would love to spend time with you, but, er .?.?. as a friend. And I’m not sure that’s what you want .?.?.’ she petered out.
‘No, Cassie, it isn’t. I have to be honest.’
Her heart broke for him.
‘I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.’
‘No, you didn’t, it’s me. I’m sorry, Phil, but I’m going to have to go, I’m just not feeling too well.’
At least that was true. Suddenly terrified the dinner was going to make a second appearance, she put her head down and made for the loo, ignoring Mam’s devastated looks.
Ramona, despite not quite having her arm back to full strength, was ripping up the dance floor with her moves. She caught Cassie’s eye on the way past.
‘Hey, what’s up? You look kinda peaky. I thought you were getting cosy with the best man.’
‘Ramona, please, don’t slow me down.’ She groaned. ‘He’s all yours.’
‘Are you crazy?’ Ramona’s parting shot echoed in her head as she wound her way through the crowd.
Mercifully, there was no queue for the loo, and she sank down onto the floor and leaned her cheek against the cool tiled wall, allowing her heaving stomach and spinning head to settle. All she could think of was her quiet bed, and leaving all the noise and expectations behind. She felt sorry for Phil, sorry for herself, sorry for Mam’s hopes.
On her way back to the table, she realised just how sober she was and everyone else decidedly wasn’t. Auntie Patricia, who’d a few gin and tonics on board, trapped her against a large speaker which was blasting out ‘Dancing Queen’ by Abba.
‘God, but aren’t you all very brave, in your little frocks. I’m only saying .?.?. And Iris in white, isn’t she gas? But look, she’s happy and he’s still got his health, for the moment, God love him, and that’s the main thing.’
There was no sign of Phil.
It was midnight by this stage, which was just about a respectable time to slip away. Trekking up the stairs to her old bedroom, she could hear the disco sounds fading into the background. She closed the door and leaned against it in relief. Alone was OK. If this was to be her fate, she could go it alone.
Just then her phone buzzed. There was only one person it could be.
Have to talk.
Where are you?
Outside.
Her heart was pounding out of her chest.
There was a knock on the door. It was Ramona.
‘Chick, you OK? You looked kinda green. You’re not gonna barf?’
‘If I haven’t by now, I’m probably over the worst.’
If there was one person Cassie could actually face right now, who would be non-judgemental as hell, it was her. She poured out the whole story, about the baby who, despite its microscopic size, was dominating every moment of her life.
‘Plus, this dress is about to explode at the seams. Help me, please, Ramona, what am I going to do? I keep telling myself I can go it alone, but the truth is I want him but I don’t know if he’s up for any of this.’
‘So, where is he now?’
‘Outside, in his car.’
‘Are you shitting me? Honey, the only person you need to have this conversation with is him.’
Not for the first time Ramona had deftly sliced through her confusion.
‘Would you sneak down and let him in? Please. And try not to let anyone see you.’
‘I’ll be tact personified,’ she hissed, although that would definitely be a first, Cassie thought.
A couple of minutes later there was a tentative knock.
She opened the door slowly to see Finn standing there in the half-light, wearing the same clothes as earlier. His eyes met hers with such intensity that her heart jolted as though an electric current had shot through her.
They gazed at each other in silence for a moment. He seemed unsure.
‘Cassie, I—’
‘Finn, I’m pregnant.’
He took a breath. ‘I know.’
‘Before you say anything, I get it. I get the whole thing with Samantha, I get how crazy your life is, and I don’t expect anything from you. I can do this on my own. I just needed you to know about it, that’s all.’
Finn gazed at her incredulously.
‘Is that what you think? You think I’m going to just walk away and leave you?’
‘I don’t want you feeling sorry for me. I can handle this.’
She could feel the tears rising.
He reached out and caught her face between his hands.
‘Cassie, I’m crazy about you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, ever. I’m scared of how much I feel for you.’
‘Me too.’
‘Being with you is like finding my way home. I’m not letting you go again.’
Tears were pouring down her cheeks. ‘Really?’
She felt his mouth searching for hers, felt the taste of him, his familiar smell that felt so right.
There was one thing, though. ‘Finn, how did you know I was pregnant?’
He smiled. ‘I’ve been here before.’
Course he had.
‘You’re not drinking and your breasts are .?.?. noticeably bigger, which is gorgeous, by the way.’
He slid his hand into the bodice of her dress and cupped her breast, making her gasp.
‘Careful, they’re really tender.’
‘Sorry, but your being pregnant with my baby just feels .?.?. really hot.’
‘Really?’
‘Oh yeah.’
‘I know it’s complicated .?.?.’ she began, but his lips silenced her words.